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Original poster

I’ve ghosted him, am I right to do so?

77 replies

Bananasforhammocks · 23/06/2021 15:34

Have been seeing a guy at work for six months. He’s separated and has been for a while, his wife had an affair with an ex.
He was saying all the right things, I’ve fancied him for ages and really really fancy him. We get along amazingly and I was so happy with him.
I asked him to do something nice at the weekend, he told me he had his kids and will have his kids most weekends now. Fine, not a problem.
My friend seen him with his wife at a restaurant on Saturday night. He lied to me. For the first few days I didn’t let on that I knew, wanted to see if he would tell me. He brazingly carried on as normal, chatting with me at work and looking at me all lustfully.

I started to avoid him at work, just so I wouldn’t have to see his face. He’s picked up on these hints and hasn’t asked me what’s wrong. I was stood right next to him today and I completely ignored him. I’ve blocked his number and social media. I assume he knows why.
I just feel terrible because if I was a guy that done that to a woman it would be emotionally abusive. Should I tell him why or just carry on moving forward?

OP posts:
Yesyoucantell · 23/06/2021 19:47

Grow up and tell him ffs

MadMadMadamMim · 23/06/2021 19:52

I dislike ghosting. And if I've read this correctly you work with him, which makes things awkward.

I'd simply say I understand you had dinner with your wife on Saturday so I won't be seeing you again. I'm not interested in drama.

Simple, factual and he's not left thinking he dodged a bullet with you - which is what most people would think if someone ghosted them.

AnxiousAndUnraveling · 23/06/2021 19:58

I hate ghosting, I’m not sure it’s an emotionally healthy way to be even though he is clearly a knob and you owe him nothing. It also lets him get away with his behaviour too. I think you should just send him one final message saying you know he was with his wife on Saturday, you don’t like being lied to and so the relationship isn’t going to work for you. Then it’s fair enough to never speak to him again.

Original poster
Bananasforhammocks · 23/06/2021 21:24

I don’t know. I’m still in two minds about it.

I’m sure he knows what he’s done so doesn’t need an explanation. He hasn’t asked me what’s wrong, so quite happy to let me go clearly.
But then I don’t want to be immature and pathetic.
I feel so low tonight, just heart broken and stupid.

OP posts:
Peach01 · 23/06/2021 21:40

What's immature and pathetic about it? He's lied to you, you found out through a friend not by him being honest. You've ended the means of contact. I wouldn't consider this ghosting. You also work with him so you can't really disappear from each other.
You don't need to justify your actions to him. It should be him justifying his actions to you. He owes you an explanation, you owe nothing.
It sounds like he's got both feet out of the door anyway. He's conducted himself poorly and you've blocked him.

RolyPolyBatFace · 23/06/2021 22:33

If you were a couple of dates in, then fair enough. A boyfriend of 6 months though? And you have to work alongside him?

Just finish with him. Ghosting is really for people you won't be seeing again day to day. This one you need to see. So just finish with him and tell him why

Chattycatty · 23/06/2021 23:28

I'd be tempted to send a text like " I've been a bit quiet this week because I didn't know quite how to tell you but I had a weekend fling with someone and I can't get him out of my head, I dont want to see you anymore it wouldn't be fair of me to be with you when I'm wishing you were him take care xx"

YeokensYegg · 24/06/2021 04:03

I don't think you need to say anything to him.
Minimal interaction at work is all he deserves.

TheStoic · 24/06/2021 04:19

It's not ghosting if the other person doesn't care. Which he clearly doesn't. If he asks, you can tell him the truth. Otherwise, leave him to it and move on.

wombat1a · 24/06/2021 05:47

Sorry I'm lost here as to your reaction, lots of people I know still see and are civil with their ex's to the extent if they have things they need to discuss/deal with they do go to a restaurant because it means neither had to go to the others and it's a neutral ground.

He said he had the kids - well I can understand that too, the oh I can't see you cos I'm having dinner with my ex is not going to get a great reaction from you so I can the sense in lying instead.

Tell him you know, you have no idea but you could be throwing away something really good because of a minor thing.

Mintyt · 24/06/2021 07:09

You should tell him. - you say you had your children and maybe you did, but you was seen out with your wife without your children, I think you have deceived me and I no longer want to see you.

FuckyouCovid21 · 24/06/2021 07:15

Not sure how she can ghost someone who clearly has been trying to do the same, sounds like he couldn't care less anyway otherwise he'd have asked by now. I wouldn't bother doing anyway, just ignore

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 24/06/2021 07:17

You have every right to ghost . However I hate to think he's now thinking phew ! I got away with that one .
In a week or 2 I'd say something like you're happy to hear he's making a go of it with his wife, and don't worry , you won't drop him in it , if his wife called work or dropped in you'd love to meet her as she sounds lovely 😉
Let him stew on that, the scoundrel !

Lampan · 24/06/2021 07:25

@MarshmallowsOnToast is right I think. He’s not bothered enough to see what’s wrong and salvage things with you.
But I really like what @MadMadMadamMim suggests telling him. Factual and to the point, and I think stronger than just keeping quiet.

SarahBellam · 24/06/2021 07:26

Why wouldn’t you just ask him? It could be completely innocent. Instead of this drama llama nonsense you could have just said, ‘My friend saw you and your wife together in Pizza Express last night. Can you tell me what’s going on?’ That would have taken less time than getting your knickers in a twist and writing this post.

MaMaD1990 · 24/06/2021 07:43

What are you hoping to gain by saying something to him? His response so far should tell you everything you need to know - he doesn't care. You'd be far better off ignoring him and moving on with your life.

AliceLivesHere · 24/06/2021 07:59

I don't like ghosting. I'd just say I don't want to see you anymore but it sounds like he was about to dump you anyway and your ghosting did him a favour. Forget him now he isn't worth the thoughts and obviously not interested.

AliceLivesHere · 24/06/2021 08:01

@SarahBellam

Why wouldn’t you just ask him? It could be completely innocent. Instead of this drama llama nonsense you could have just said, ‘My friend saw you and your wife together in Pizza Express last night. Can you tell me what’s going on?’ That would have taken less time than getting your knickers in a twist and writing this post.
This is the thing with ghosting.

I prefer the direct post of this post. Straight forward question and done and move on. Why the drama? I imagine the @Bananasforhammocks wanted him to ask why she wasn't talking/etc etc and chase her. The fact he didn't and that he doesn't appear to care probably bothers her more.

Instead the OP has ghosted and is now full of angsts attempting to work out did he cheat/didn't he/why doesn't he speak etc.

AliceLivesHere · 24/06/2021 08:05

@Bananasforhammocks

I don’t know. I’m still in two minds about it.

I’m sure he knows what he’s done so doesn’t need an explanation. He hasn’t asked me what’s wrong, so quite happy to let me go clearly.
But then I don’t want to be immature and pathetic.
I feel so low tonight, just heart broken and stupid.

This is because you ghosted and didn't just say it as it was. Left wondering now.

Some really good ways to end a relationship on here and find out the truth without drama and sulking. You obviously thought by ghosting he would come crawling back and explain - but he didn't. This then made you feel worthless to him which upsets you because you have been seeing him.

Being straight works best in the long run. Imagine it was a genuine meet up and not back together and you just stop speaking to him. You appear immature and pathetic for not just asking the question and ghosting. I'd never bother with a person who justs ghosts.

Mintyt · 24/06/2021 08:10

@SarahBellam here here.

BillMasen · 24/06/2021 08:24

@SarahBellam

Why wouldn’t you just ask him? It could be completely innocent. Instead of this drama llama nonsense you could have just said, ‘My friend saw you and your wife together in Pizza Express last night. Can you tell me what’s going on?’ That would have taken less time than getting your knickers in a twist and writing this post.
Absolutely this. Ffs this thread is mental.

You’ve been together 6 months, he’s separated and you’re presumably an adult capable of using words. Speak, ask.

I can’t believe the number of posters on here egging you on, saying well done for ghosting (which when a man does it is abusive) or even saying you should make up shit like you slept with someone else to get revenge!

Original poster
Bananasforhammocks · 24/06/2021 08:34

I think he’s too cowardly to say something because he was seen and he knows I know. He knows I know he lied.
I’m not interested now after lieing to me and putting me off seeing him anyway.
I think for my mental health I just need to move on and not talking to him will probably help. I’m in the same building if he decides he does want to explain.

OP posts:
BillMasen · 24/06/2021 08:41

@Bananasforhammocks

I think he’s too cowardly to say something because he was seen and he knows I know. He knows I know he lied. I’m not interested now after lieing to me and putting me off seeing him anyway. I think for my mental health I just need to move on and not talking to him will probably help. I’m in the same building if he decides he does want to explain.
But you don’t actually know why he was meeting his ex. If he even definitely was.

And he doesn’t know why you’ve suddenly ghosted him, refused to speak.

You’re behaving immaturely here, just talk then make your decision, and tell him what it is and why, but bloody speak first.

Butterfly44 · 24/06/2021 08:53

Does your friend for sure that was the wife she saw? And if so how do you know they weren't meeting up to discuss financials and other aspects over dinner? Straight away conclusion is formed without hearing from the other party. Say something to hear a response than just ghost. Then make your decision knowing you've made the right one.

Peach01 · 24/06/2021 08:56

@Bananasforhammocks

I think he’s too cowardly to say something because he was seen and he knows I know. He knows I know he lied. I’m not interested now after lieing to me and putting me off seeing him anyway. I think for my mental health I just need to move on and not talking to him will probably help. I’m in the same building if he decides he does want to explain.
I agree. He was on a date. He wasn't in with his kids like he said he was. He'll try and play it down when it goes tits up. I take it he knows your friend seen them together? You own him nothing and why would you ask him.

He's well aware that he's lied to you and if he knows your friend seen them he'll know why you're not speaking to him. If there was another explanation he would've offered it if he wanted to salvage anything. Him saying that he'll now have his kids at the weekend is in case you ask him again. It's probably a half truth. After 6 months he could at least have some decency and be honest with you off his own back. I wouldn't be chasing him to force him to do it.