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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

19 weeks pregnant and I feel trapped in my relationship

61 replies

jesswilsx · 23/06/2021 14:53

So I’m 19+6 days pregnant with my current partner. I have twin boys from a previous relationship.

My current relationship isn’t great. We’ve been together 1 year and 1/2 but so much has happened during this time and then I fell pregnant so I felt obligated to stay. A few weeks ago he cheated on me (I was 15 weeks). He met a girl in a pub and brought her back, they didn’t sleep together but they did other things. They were both drunk. I decided to forgive and forget for the sake of my baby. Since then he’s broken his ankle and knee and is bed bound in my house.

Anyway, the last few days I’ve just been feeling so unhappy. He got upset with me yesterday because he asked me to go up the shop to get him fags and I told him id be going up in an hour or so. He started calling me childish etc. because I wouldn’t go immediately. I ended up crying down the phone to my mother, who told me I deserve better than this and I know I do. This isn’t the first time I’ve been called names when all I do is try to look after him. I’m constantly doing everything for him and it’s exhausting.

I just don’t want to do it anymore but since he’s on crutches I feel like I can’t really break up with him because it would be hard for him to leave right now. At the same time, I felt happier when he was in hospital for 2 weeks than I do with him here.

I’m not really concerned about being a single mother. I was a single mother to my boys before I met him, and I know I have enough support around me that I’ll be okay. Although, I am struggling to feel attached to this baby. I’ve experienced so much stress throughout the pregnancy that I haven’t had a chance to get excited yet.

Thank you for reading, I’m just looking for some advice on what to do next. I feel so trapped and unhappy

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/06/2021 16:47

"I just hate confrontation and I don’t want him swearing and shouting in front of my boys, or with them in the house, which I know he will do"

That is what he is relying on; your fear of confronting him. As AnxietyForever rightly states if he starts then call the police. He has no legal right to be in your home. Show your boys properly that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Love your own self for a change going forward and rebuild your life without this man in it. The Freedom Programme will be a step forward to rebuilding your life.

Misseasteregg · 23/06/2021 16:48

Get rid before the baby is here otherwise you’ll never get him out of the house. Then you’ll have 4 toddlers to put up with. Good luck Flowers

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/06/2021 16:49

I just hate confrontation and I don’t want him swearing and shouting in front of my boys, or with them in the house, which I know he will do

Well better you get it over with then to be honest, I would rather he shouted but fucked off than stayed and continued to make a mug of me.

Do you have a friend / relative who can come over and be there when you tell him he needs to leave? Ideally a male one as much as it pains me to say it but he's probably a cowardly prick and more likely to get out quicker and intimidate you less if you've got a male there.

A man who would cheat on you while you're pregnant, expect you to then wait on him hand and foot while looking after twin 2.5 year olds and carrying a baby is nothing but an utter cunt. Proper scum. Men like him, capable of acting like that, hate women.

Get him out. Dump him. Please god tell me you aren't planning on giving the baby his last name?!

Aquamarine1029 · 23/06/2021 16:54

I just hate confrontation and I don’t want him swearing and shouting in front of my boys, or with them in the house, which I know he will do

Stop making excuses, op. Even if he does kick off your children are so young they won't even remember it. You stay calm and let him make a fool of himself. Do what's best for your children and get him out.

nimbuscloud · 23/06/2021 17:02

I just hate confrontation and I don’t want him swearing and shouting in front of my boys, or with them in the house, which I know he will do

So what’s the alternative?

Lozzerbmc · 23/06/2021 17:38

Why do you love him this man who is a cheat and a user?! Send him packing to his nan! He sounds like a teenager!

SleepingStandingUp · 23/06/2021 17:43

@jesswilsx

Yeah, he’s in my house. He has a flat of his own but he makes me feel guilty whenever I ask him to go there. It’s in a valley completely out of the way, and he said he’s goes into a bad place whenever he goes there. He’s basically just using me at the moment so I’m running around after my twins and him!
Meh. You're not his mother, you need to be his ex. As his ex you have no responsibility for him. Phone him a taxi and tell him you'll call when you have baby
Original poster
jesswilsx · 23/06/2021 18:10

My mother and her partner are going to come over tomorrow so I can tell him to leave. There should hopefully be no confrontation or abuse when another man is there. Plus they can shit with dc and keep them entertained.

OP posts:
Original poster
jesswilsx · 23/06/2021 18:11

sit* oops😂

OP posts:
66babe · 23/06/2021 18:22

That's a really good idea @jesswilsx
Just have a peaceful evening and get some rest

headintheproverbial · 23/06/2021 18:28

Kick him out. You've got this.

Mumoftwo2021 · 23/06/2021 18:29

He’s a waste of space and not a good role model/relationship for your twins or your unborn child.
I’d tell him to be out by X time and if he can’t drive ring the skank that he had back at his last time.
Good riddance your mum is right you deserve better xx

Eviebeans · 23/06/2021 18:32

Pack him off to his flat -hecan do just what he likes when he likes there.

forumdonkey · 23/06/2021 18:36

His place wasn't such a horrible place when he took a random woman back..... I assume he took her there and not to your home.

I just hate confrontation and I don’t want him swearing and shouting in front of my boys, or with them in the house, which I know he will do

Remember ⬆️⬆️ this if you ever consider reconciling with him. All your DCs will witness this while ever you are with him.

Stay strong and hope he leaves peacefully.

Original poster
jesswilsx · 23/06/2021 18:40

@forumdonkey

His place wasn't such a horrible place when he took a random woman back..... I assume he took her there and not to your home.

I just hate confrontation and I don’t want him swearing and shouting in front of my boys, or with them in the house, which I know he will do

Remember ⬆️⬆️ this if you ever consider reconciling with him. All your DCs will witness this while ever you are with him.

Stay strong and hope he leaves peacefully.

You’re right, he did take her back there.

Thank you everyone, I’m only 22 so this has been a huge learning curve for me. I just want the best for my children and this is not what’s best for them.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/06/2021 18:50

@jesswilsx

My mother and her partner are going to come over tomorrow so I can tell him to leave. There should hopefully be no confrontation or abuse when another man is there. Plus they can shit with dc and keep them entertained.
Ah this is brilliant, well done OP.

Don't weaken on this tomorrow - you know your little boys don't deserve to live under the same roof as a toxic dynamic and entitled dickhead like this bloke.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/06/2021 18:52

You're so young, op. Please, please learn to avoid useless, abusive men now, before you end up in this situation again. Do the Freedom Programme as soon as humanly possible and do a lot of self-learning through books, video, etc, about abusive relationshipa and the red flags you need to look for. Do this for your kids.

MadeForThis · 23/06/2021 18:53

A previous failed relationship doesn't mean you have to accept all this shit from him.

Be strong. Be single.

cheeseislife8 · 23/06/2021 19:00

You're definitely doing the right thing OP. With him still having his own place, it makes it much simpler. Turf him out and make sure he stays out!

QueenBee52 · 23/06/2021 19:00

I put up with it because I love him and I’ve already had a failed relationship so wanted to try my best to make it work.

How much 'trying' is HE doing ? 🙄

QueenBee52 · 23/06/2021 19:01

@jesswilsx

My mother and her partner are going to come over tomorrow so I can tell him to leave. There should hopefully be no confrontation or abuse when another man is there. Plus they can shit with dc and keep them entertained.

Good on you lady...

you and your children will be okay.. better than okay 🌸

LadyJaye · 23/06/2021 19:17

What a prince among men he sounds.

Once you've got rid of him, you MUST spend some time alone (and when I say 'some time', I mean months/years, not weeks) and learn a little more resilience and self-reliance - three small children by two horrible men when you yourself are very young isn't great, you must know that.

You will shortly have three children and it is, above all else, your job to ensure you give them as safe, stable and secure an environment in which to grow and develop as you can.

Learn to know and love yourself and stop giving head / houseroom to dreadful people.

Strength to you!

DiaryofWimpyMumm · 23/06/2021 19:53

He sounds awful. You deserve so much better, my ex husband cheated on me when I was 13 weeks pregnant and it ruined the whole experience really.

I would get rid while you're still young enough to meet someone who deserved your love. This guy doesn't.

forumdonkey · 24/06/2021 00:00

@LadyJaye

What a prince among men he sounds.

Once you've got rid of him, you MUST spend some time alone (and when I say 'some time', I mean months/years, not weeks) and learn a little more resilience and self-reliance - three small children by two horrible men when you yourself are very young isn't great, you must know that.

You will shortly have three children and it is, above all else, your job to ensure you give them as safe, stable and secure an environment in which to grow and develop as you can.

Learn to know and love yourself and stop giving head / houseroom to dreadful people.

Strength to you!

@LadyJaye 100% agree.

I know you're only 22 but you're a mum and your DCs come first. In the future don't let anyone into your children's life without being 100% about them and your relationship. Keep your children away from your relationships for a long time. Raise your standards and don't let any man treat you with anything other than complete love, respect and equal

RandomMess · 24/06/2021 07:54

Do the online Freedom Programme ran by Woman's Aid. Will help you learn who to avoid in the future.