Workaholic DH

[PippaPots]

I'm reaching the end with dh. He has always been absent and more interested in work than homelife. But I did think if we actually needed him here he would be.

Yesterday dd1 had surgery, it was booked 2 months ago and dh booked the day off. Because the accompanying parent can't drive there/back the plan was he drops us off, drops 2 DC to school, keeps the dog company, then picks DS and us when she's discharged.

First of all he made dd late to the hospital by sending emails.
He then went to the office instead of taking DS to school and palmed the job off on his mum.

He left us waiting 2 hrs after we had been discharged because he was still at work and wanted to finish what he was doing before leaving. The nurses kept asking why we were still there.

We got DS from after school club on the way home, as I walked in the door dd throws up from the anaesthetic, diabetic DS has a bad hypo (low blood sugar) and because he didn't pop home all day the poor puppy had pissed all over the kitchen.

DH then got a drink and went back to work. I phoned to ask if he was coming home any time soon at 8pm and the fucker put me on hold.

I'm so angry I can't even get upset. I'm planning my exit plan but am stuck. Which is why he knows he can act like a cunt.

I'd let him read this ... put so clearly and eloquently
Then ask him ... shall we go our own ways then I can just be an organised single parent or is something going to change ?
Sending you 🤗 and 💐

What keeps you stuck?

He’s a selfish prick isn’t he.

I'm afraid I can't advise as I'd probably be under arrest for premeditated murder of the bastard

Yes, this would probably be the end of the line for me too. Why are you stuck?

That is a massive example of not fulfilling his parental & husband duties. With that attitude, the future doesn't look good. Get packed and get gone. (Or get him to go). Butvwhy are you stuck? Good luck and I hope you can get 'un stuck'.

That's so cruel to have left a puppy all day.

There are no excuses OP for staying with a man that can do that.

Why are you stuck?

I couldn’t live like this. You don’t have to.

It’s time to shit or get off the pot, as they say.

He's not a husband or father worth having, get rid.

He's reached a level of careless that is actually cruel and utterly selfish.

I couldn't continue the relationship at this point either.

My husband was the same, you just feel like a single parent and then when they have all grown up, these very same workaholic men re write history and believe they were there and present.

Soul destroying.

He's made it very clear today by his actions how he feels about you and your (his) children and where you all come in his list of priorities.

Even complete strangers off the street would give you and your kids more care and support than your husband did today - I am appalled at his behaviour, you must feel very hurt.

What do you plan on going about it?

I'm so sorry for you OP. He has treated you all appallingly. Just go OP. Nothing will be worse than this.

You deserve so much better.

My ex-H was like this. I got so used to it that I rarely noticed how much I did alone, and didn’t really realise what was normal in a relationship.

I had a suspected pulmonary embolism when pregnant. We already had a 14 month DD.

When I was asked to go to the hospital for a CT scan and to wait for results, I needed childcare for DD. He suggested I take her to the hospital with me and arranged for his DM to come and sit with her just while I was in the actual scan. (He also palmed as much as possible on to his DM, and still does, despite her age!). I ended up being there for 7 hours in all. With DD in a buggy, with me walking her up and down the corridors to try and get her to sleep. The results were positive and it was a stressful day.

The weird bit was though that I didn’t even ask him to come as I had just got used to him saying he couldn’t take time off work (self employed, could easily take it really)

Things started to click a bit when I took DD for an operation when she was 2. I actually
asked him to come, even though I normally did things alone, as I was worried. He said he couldn’t. She had a bad reaction to the anaesthetic and I ended up sitting crying on the ward and being comforted by a random patient

There were many incidents like this, both big and small, he had opted out of family life completely.

Later, after I’d left him, I was at work when I heard a male colleague talking to his wife on the phone. He sounded really concerned and I heard him saying “No, I’m coming with you, I’m booking the day off work”. It turned out she had a cyst on her ovary and he was insisting on being with her for a scan. It wasn’t life threatening but he WANTED to be with her. I thought he was the best husband ever! Now I know that it is normal to support your partner.

I am happily married now and have a DH who actually takes time off to be there for us as a family, even though the DC are not his own. He even shares time off work for DC sickness and holidays! (Ex DH obviously doesn’t do this as he “has to work”)

Ex still treats me like the hired help, but I don’t have to put up with it anymore.

A favourite recently was when he messaged me to tell me he has booked DS in for football training on a weeknight (my contact time as he only does every other weekend) at 4.45. I work full time, and don’t get home until after 5pm.

When I reminded him of this he asked if I can finish early. No. Then if my DH could do it (also running a business full time) and then eventually asked his 73 yr old DM to pick up and do it.

Because... “I can’t finish early” 😂 (still self employed)

So OP, the reason is I am sidetracking into my own story is to try and show you that you can do it and will be happy again. Maybe even meet someone else one day if you want to. A normal loving partner who wants to support you.

But, be prepared for your DH to get worse if you divorce him. I didn’t realise my ex was emotionally abusive and controlling until after I left - I thought he was just a selfish workaholic, but there was a lot more under it that I couldn’t see at the time (probably because I was so bloody busy and exhausted! )

There are some very wise, experienced posters on here OP. but your thread title doesn't necessarily get their attention. Your problem isn't simply a workaholic husband it's a husband who is completely neglectful, does not prioritise you or your family at all and that you think you are trapped. You really aren't. But if I was you to get the best advice on how to leave id start another thread or see if you can get the title of this one changed to "how to leave workaholic, neglectful DH".

@PippaPots

I think @Frazzledazzles has nailed it exactly, not really surprising as she had lived it.

Things won't 'improve', no matter what you say or do.

When someone shows you who they are (and how little they think you and your DC matter to them), believe them.

Make a start on your preparations to leave this selfish, horrifically abusive H.

He really doesn’t give a damn about any of you. I think he likes having a family on paper, being a family man can look good for men at work. I would start plotting.

There are many wise people on MN - if you feel able to give a few more details on what makes you stuck, you never know, people might have solutions or work arounds.

Because it really sounds like you have to get out.

We don't own any property, we live in one of his parents homes. They're here 1/2 the time and split their time across the country.

MIL is nice, I get the impression fil would rather not have us here sometimes. DC adore their GPs. All my family are abroad.

We live in London, rent prices are ridiculous. Dds are doing gcses and DS is in a special school. That would make relocating difficult if we had to change schools.

I don't have any savings, dh keeps most of the money in a safe as he doesn't trust the banks. (he is prone to conspiracy theories.)

I've changed the DLA DS gets and tax credits from the joint account to my own.

I've also applied for the housing register but realistically DC would have all grown and left home by the time were near getting a place.

I got so used to it that I rarely noticed how much I did alone
I had the same experience - learning that it was better not to involve him at all as it just meant you'd be left sitting waiting for him / be late as described in the OP.

It was better when we broke up as there was no longer that disappointing moment when you thought about involving him and remembered it was pointless. I now have a "casual boyfriend" whom I spend more time with during waking hours, despite not living together. He is reliable, helpful and hardly ever late - and apologises if he is.

I don't have any savings, dh keeps most of the money in a safe as he doesn't trust the banks. (he is prone to conspiracy theories.)
This is concerning. Would he refuse access to money?
Sounds like you need to speak to Women's Aid and seek other advice on how to get out of there safely.

Get rid of him.
I would help a neighbour more than he helps you.

Have you addressed it with him? He's using work as an addiction as such. For him its his need for recognition that currently trumps everything. Do you discuss his behaviour?
Do you put your needs across or do you tend to say nothing but fume politely behind the scenes and hope he notices? My DH was like this, he's been in therapy a good while and is learning to see things differently. For my part, I kept my needs quiet and made it about the kids stuff. Which is a way to defend myself I guess. The reality is/was I wasn't getting attention frim my DH because his precious work was getting all his attention, love and affection and seemed to be the only thing that 'interested' him. All our conversations used to be him moaning about work things. Again I was allowing that to happen because I didn't feel my stuff was as important as his stuff...

Oh dear, he sounds a rather shrewed man.

Has no wealth officially on paper, will probably inherit his parent's homes, no money in bank accounts yet on paper he has nothing.
He is a user.

You are being neglected and I should imagine he is the type for you to drop everthing when it concerns him, he also has the support of his family behind him and your's live abroad.

This must be very hard, does he give you money if you ask for it? is there any way for you to save anything to one side ?
Women's Aid as pp's have stated seems a good idea, this situation will not change it will only become worse and you will become so resentful towards him and rightly so.

Neglect is extremely abusing I only hope you can end this way of living as the future with these sorts of men is bleak, the self entitlement and selfishness is there and it goes without saying there are usually other abusive traits that go hand in hand with someone so self centered.

You recognise your lonliness, now recognise your worth and start making plans discretely. I doubt whether he'll notice.
x

If I need to make a big purchase he will hand over money for it. He genuinely thinks its safer in the office safe than in our account. Tbh I spend too much money in garden centres and on pets and he doesn't complain.

I was really clear I expected him to be here and helping. There was no misunderstanding. DS is also having surgery next month, I've called DHs secretary and told her to cancel DHs day booked off, I'll book an uber and a dog walker and just cope on my own.

He knows I'm pissed off. I had an hour phone call with him just complaining about how much work he has to do, how all his employees are crap, all the complaints he gets, all the invoices that don't get paid. His dad owns the company and doesn't always make the best decisions, leaving dh to deal with the aftermath.

I honestly can't tell if I'm being an arsehole because he's trying to keep the company afloat or if he's gaslighing.

"I had an hour phone call with him just complaining about how much work he has to do, how all his employees are crap, all the complaints he gets, all the invoices that don't get paid. His dad owns the company and doesn't always make the best decisions, leaving dh to deal with the aftermath".

Your H is using you as his unpaid therapist to boot. And what was the outcome of this phone call; he's basically using you also as some sort of emotional dumping ground.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Be honest with yourself here.

Honestly what is the point of you and he being together now?.. I presume you are only with him now because of your children but they cannot and should not be used as the glue here to bind you and he together. Staying for them would be a huge error and they won't say "thanks mum" either for staying with him if you were to choose to. He does not care a jot that you're pissed off at him. He has furthermore done nothing else to further facilitate an easier time for you all when your DC has surgery next month. You've arranged it all.

You have a choice re this man, they do not.

Are you communicating the impact of his behaviour on you. He complains about work and you just listen. Tell him that's ranting its not relating.
You went behind his back and cancelled his day off. Now you can play the martyr instead of sitting down when you are both calm and telling him how it impacts you.
Is that not a bit of a trap you've set for him, is it acting out and a bit controlling maybe. If your DH did that you'd be furious and rightly so.
You say he knows you are pissed off, but how does he know? You need to spell out clearly what you need from him. No point hoping he'll just notice.