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Relationships

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Normal in long term relationships..

27 replies

CoffeeCupz · 22/06/2021 18:46

Been together 9 years this October no kids or marriage just have this past year been kind of thinkng 'is this it' this will be the best it will get kind of/ grass could be greener. I did last year meet a man at work and we both liked each other messaged about but nothing ever came of it ( nearly did but stopped it going further) I just kind of feel like what if I'm wasting my life on this person I love but can't keep thinking what if it's better with someone else? Has anyone had these feelings? I don't want to leave partner but just keep having these thoughts, my sisters just recently got with a guy herself and she's talking about dating and were it's all new exciting and I feel sad I won't ever have that again?? Not sure what response I'm after thank you xxx

OP posts:
seensome · 22/06/2021 19:12

Is not having children and marriage out of choice or because he doesn't want to?
It's normal to feel bored at times and wonder if the grass is greener, you have to work at the relationship to keep it alive.

Being single can be great has its pros and cons, the feeling of being independent, the excitement of finding someone new but the cons, new relationships don't always work out, you forget how hard it is to find a decent man who wants to commit.

If you're generally happy but bored then stick with him and find a way to liven your relationship up, if daily he annoys you and arguing is common occurrence then maybe it's time to move on.

spotcheck · 22/06/2021 19:20

Nah-
Why should you be with someone you are bored with?
You've not even experienced the challenges of kids, and you've already nearly strayed
Let this relationship go- it isn't right for you.

category12 · 22/06/2021 19:27

Just because you've been together 9 years, doesn't mean you have to spend more years on it.

What do you want out of life?
How old are you?
You only get one life to lead and only you can make it what you want it to be.

OldChinaJug · 22/06/2021 19:29

If you're actively unhappy in your relationship, then it's reasonable to consider the alternatives.

If you're just craving the new then I really wouldn't bother! It's dire out there...

OldChinaJug · 22/06/2021 19:31

What I mean is, if you just want to be single - then great.

If you're thinking you might meet someone new and have an exciting new romance... I really wouldn't bother!

CoffeeCupz · 22/06/2021 20:04

Im 27 and not sure wanting children yet.. I quess I just thought my life would be different that it's gone so far, I'm not unhappy but just worrying I might regret staying were I am with him if I look back on my life or what if I have children in few years then regret it, just been feeling like this year or so comes in waves I'm happy for while then I kind of revaluate the relationship all the time. Me meeting this other man at work didn't help I sometimes think of the what ifs all the time of I had met up with him, have moved jobs away from him now. I know my partner is all iv known but I did still have few boyfriends before him just I keep questioning my relationship. I do look forward to being with him still and love him. I don't want to be single I just keep wondering I could be happier someone else, Not to sure what I want out of life I quess feel kinda lost :/ xx thank you for your replies means a lot XXX

OP posts:
category12 · 22/06/2021 20:09

God, you should try being single just for a while - you're so young to have settled down.

I don't really feel like teen relationships count, tbh.

category12 · 22/06/2021 20:11

I mean, do you even know who you are without him?

CoffeeCupz · 23/06/2021 06:12

I quess I don't know who I am without him but I can't say I'd be any happier, just a case of the grass could be greener, be more compatible with someoen else? I didn't think of the importance of a relationship at 18 I just knew I was falling for him

OP posts:
OzziePopPop · 23/06/2021 06:32

Sounds distinctly like you’ve outgrown him. Not unusual or bad/wrong at all. Maybe he even feels the same, who knows?

It would be wrong to settle though.

CoffeeCupz · 23/06/2021 06:37

He still loves me I still love him, hurts me to think of leaving I just need trying shake this grass is greener feeling like an anxiety of maybe I'm missing out on something else.. :/

OP posts:
Bksjshsbbev2737 · 23/06/2021 06:40

I think as a previous poster put it you need to work out whether you’re unhappy in your relationship or just craving the excitement of something new. I got together with DH at 24 but that gave me enough experience of what else is out there to know that DH is the one i want to be with; the exciting part doesn’t last forever and there’s lots of highs and lows of being single

CassandraTrotter · 23/06/2021 06:44

How do you both spend your free time? Do you have hobbies and interest apart and together? Do you have a fulfilling life apart and together? Do you usually travel together? How are Both your careers ?

ViaRia · 23/06/2021 07:05

Sorry that you’re feeling this way, it does sound very confusing and unsettling.

I would say - the grass is not always greener but it might be. You haven’t given any specifics so I’m assuming that’s because you haven’t figured out what aspects of your life seem to be unfulfilled.

If I were you I would work on that - what is it that you are actually missing. You can do this while with your partner (or single or with a different partner) so there’s no need rushing to break up before you actually know what you want. You might find that breaking up doesn’t magically fix the problem, as you never really knew what the problem was to begin with.

If your partner is supportive, you should be able to share your feelings with him. (I probably would leave out the part about other men or ‘is this relationship working’, and instead just focus on how you have been feeling down sometimes, perhaps want more from life but not sure what). He might jump at the chance to find new ways to explore life with you, or he might give you space and understanding to do what you need to do for yourself.

You might also find therapy a good place to start with all of this. I’ve tried private and nhs support in the past. 1-2-1, face to face sessions are worth the cost if you can afford it.

Once you have a clearer understanding of what you think is missing, you might decide to move on from your relationship. If that’s the case, I think you’d feel more empowered, more sure of your decision and happier to do so as you will have a clear understanding of why you’re doing it and what you’ll do next. I also think it may be less likely for you to get back together with him out of fear and/ or end up in a new long-term rebound relationship.

Good luck

shangelawasrobbed · 23/06/2021 07:07

I've been with my partner since I was 15. First "proper" boyfriend, never slept with anyone else. I'm now 32 years old and 10 weeks pregnant with our first baby.

I think it's normal to occasionally wonder "what if" when you've been with someone a few years, especially if you don't really have experience of much else. I think I probably did the same in my twenties. For me though, I honestly couldn't imagine being happier with someone else. Do you feel this, or is there part of you that feels you'd be happier without him?

It might also be helpful to think about what you want from a relationship (kindness, humour, great sex, whatever else). Do you have all of these in your current relationship? If not, could you work on them? If you already have them, what is it you're actually missing? If there's nothing missing, why would the grass be greener?

bigbaggyeyes · 23/06/2021 07:20

Trouble is, you've had the excitement of a 'nearly' emotional affair, that buzz can be addictive. But, it's not real life, you will get that with another partner, but it will also fade. Add that to a dull partner and it's just shine a spotlight on an already boring relationship.

Have you talked to your dp? Do you have shared hobbies? It's easy to get into a rut, especially with lockdown

DinosaurDiana · 23/06/2021 07:23

@CoffeeCupz

He still loves me I still love him, hurts me to think of leaving I just need trying shake this grass is greener feeling like an anxiety of maybe I'm missing out on something else.. :/
You’re too young to be thinking like this. Don’t stay, have kids etc and then regret it and feel trapped. If you stay it should be because you want to, not because you’re not sure what to do.
litterbird · 23/06/2021 07:33

Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side......especially if you have outgrown your partner. If you were my daughter I would encourage you do leave, live freely and single to figure out who you are and experience life. Be bold and date different people, build lots of friendships then if you really want to settle down then your 'what if' voice will be silenced a bit as you have discovered what and who you really want.

Whattodotho · 23/06/2021 07:45

I'm same age as you been with my partner nearly 6 years. But difference is we had kids and if anything I feel more trapped now and think I settled too young. I've also met a guy who I'm wondering if grass would be greener but think it's just the excitement of it. I think in your 20s it's hard to be like is this it? Not being desired but comfortable. Nothing to do that feels that new and fun with your partner and just sort of feel like you bumbling along through life.

The main worry is that sure you could break up meet new people but then what? I'm worried ill break up with my partner have fun being single but ultimately want thr comforts of a long term relationship and that's when you would know if you made the right decision. So hard when you have kids it's not just about you anymore so I think if you feel this way now get out before having kids or marriage.

ApplesandBananas21 · 23/06/2021 07:54

Did this person at work make you feel better about yourself that your DP does?
Is this maybe your feeling unsure at the moment

Fleetw00d · 23/06/2021 08:13

Is there something else you day dream about, like do you ever fantasise about a different life? Like living abroad, travelling, getting married etc. You're still young and you don't have any commitments such as kids to consider, if you're thinking you could be happier maybe it's time to see if that is the case otherwise you'll never know. It's better to do that now than in 10 years when you potentially have children and a marriage. I always think if you're meant to be with someone you'll find your way to them and maybe some space from your partner will make you realise that he is your person, or it make you feel much happier and lead you to someone else.

Umberellatheweatha · 23/06/2021 08:40

As pp said, you wont find better. Dating is awful.

You might find an exciting short term fling of course if that's what you feel is missing from your life. But if so it might be time to be single.

But finding someone you love that loves you that is compatable with you and theres chemistry with is nigh on impossible. I wouldn't give that up for the world if you have those three things.

lockef · 23/06/2021 09:57

You easily could find better, you have a whole lifetime in front of you
I think staying with your childhood sweetheart for your whole life is wonderful for some, utterly boring for others.

I'm up for adventure so I chose to leave my much loved long term childhood sweetheart, we are both happy and decades on we occasionally message each other (we live on different continents now) and everything is good between us.

I love the guy I'm with currently and having had several relationships it is exciting meeting new guys and going on dates and having sex and experiencing different things....living life to the max.

Yes there's heartache and sadness - but I feel alive.

Tal45 · 23/06/2021 10:07

How can you waste your life on someone you love? That makes no sense to me. Sounds like a bad case of FOMO and that you'll never be happy whoever you're with because you'll always be wondering if the grass is greener elsewhere. I'd do your OH a favour and leave tbh.

StarlingsDarlings · 23/06/2021 10:19

I think the situation with the other man that didn’t go anywhere is a warning sign to heed - if I was having thoughts about other men, then I’d know DP wasn’t the one for me.

18 is such a young age to settle down. I’m sure it works well for some, but leaves others wondering how else life could have panned out.

I disagree with a PP who said dating is awful and you won’t find better. I was in a relationship from age 16-26. I found dating exhilarating and great fun. I definitely ended up with someone far better than my childhood sweetheart, and met some lovely men along the way.

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