How to have a fulfilled life / relationship after failed IVF and MC

[newplanneeded]

After failed ivf (3 embryos) and a MC I spent a year working hard to overcome depression after the last MC. I decided I will now stop chasing pregnancy as I'm now in my 40s.
My longterm partner was happy to try and now is also happy to not have children.

I want to stop to focus on the downsides of not having children - please help me to find the positives.

A poster here on MN mentioned retiring early due to her childfree lifestyle - something I never thought about. It gave me back a glimpse of excitement for life, something I find hard to feel after going through this depression - treated by Cognitive Therapy and medication over a year - but to be honest I still think I haven't managed to completely shake it. I find it hard to feel any excitement for previous passions and hobbies.

If you live or imagine a childfree life, what is great about it? Please help me to see the upsides.

I didn't want to read and run, OP. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job of starting to rebuild your life after the loss of the dream of how you expected/wanted things to be Not the same situation, but I remember the first time I felt happy for a moment following my sister's traumatic death, which your "glimpse of excitement for life" reminded me of

So I have no specific advice to offer, but I can confirm it is possible to get from that place where everything seems pointless to "living life" again

There are so many positives to not having children - off the top off my head:

1. Being spontaneous. Going away at a moment's notice.
2. Having the time and energy to have quiet time with your partner.
3. Not being restricted to term time when taking holidays; the freedom to take holidays when YOU want.
4. having rooms/space in your home that will be the same as when you return.

Not sure if my story will help you. Like you l got to mid 40s with lots of failed IVF and miscarriages behind me. Was utterly heartbroken and refused to accept it. As a result we adopted 2 children. It's been an incredibly tough ride and l now wish that instead of getting fixated about having a family l had put my energies into a child free future. We are older, knackered and trapped and l look with envy at my child free friends. I think if you can get beyond the years when everyone is having children then you might suddenly find you are enjoying life aged 50plus whilst many others are still in the hard slog of bringing up children.
We are so conditioned (especially as women) to think that having a child is the ultimate fulfillment but l am not so sure l would agree with that now. Life is what you make it, children or not x

I am so sorry you have had such a difficult road.

"I haven't managed to completely shake it."

Without sounding too kooky, you won't be the same person you were, just like if you had had children, you wouldn't have been the same person. I think grief lives with us and becomes part of who were are and you are free when you learn to live with it and accept it as part of your story.

Sorry that's quite deep, but I have been through similar, and my understanding now is that you don't eventually shake a circumstantial depression, you make peace with it and accept it. Trick not to be impatient AT ALL. The minute you are you are just setting yourself back.

If you don't wanna do the same stuff as before right now, don't, that's okay. Give yourself time, you have been on an almighty rollercoaster, let time just pass and eventually you will start to feel like a bit yourself again.

Best of luck - it takes such resilience to go through what you have x

Just see it as another path in life. Having kids is not the be all and end all. I have two little midgets and I can see now how special life is without kids too (even though I wouldn't give them back).

I have various pets & no pet are, so we don't get to go off. However, going through menopause without kids is, for me, helpful. 😁

Moneywise, we're both retired... it makes a difference not having to fund kids.

@ilovemydogandmrobama2
thank you those are great - I decided to start the ultimate list for myself and will add your points.

i especially need to make more use of the flexibility of travel

@doingthehoovering

We are so conditioned (especially as women) to think that having a child is the ultimate fulfillment

i agree - and not knowing if i truly want to have children or if i've simply been socialised to wish for them has definitely delayed us to start trying.
I cannot ignore my partner's attitude towards it all - he genuinely is happy either way. I am convinced it has to do with gender stereotype conditioning.

Your experience regarding adoption is incredible helpful to hear as I thought about it. Thanks for your honesty.

I am 51, have been with DH since I was 34 but children never happened for us. We never tried IVF, we decided to accept whatever happened naturally which was nothing. I sometimes feel sad and wonder but don’t dwell.

So good things. We have lived and worked on three continents, acquired a second citizenship, mortgage free in SE in early 40s, travelled to interesting places, business or first class flights only, have a house that suits just us, planning early retirement and probably to a warmer climate. Also not a good thing as such, but freedom from the worries and challenges that parenthood can bring.

@HelpWendy

you won't be the same person you were, just like if you had had children, you wouldn't have been the same person. I think grief lives with us and becomes part of who were are and you are free when you learn to live with it and accept it as part of your story.

This really resonates with me. I think i needed a reminder that it is ok to change according to what life throws at us. My instinct is to reverse back to the "ideal state" I imagined the "before" was.

Without doubt, socialising seems to be the main difference.

My sibling is child free and they are constantly talking about "popping around" to this friend or that, or having friends around for a boozy dinner (and sometimes the friend dosses in the spare room) and going to barbecues at neighbours houses and "oooh we were there until 1.30am!"

They are always planning holidays and these are holidays where no particular need to consider terrain or time of year or time of flight.

As a result they have many more friends than us. We have lost a lot as we our nights out are few and far between and we can never really stay that late etc etc. We can't just go for a spontaneous city break to see an old pal from that old job. Friendships fade away.

They also have a lot more hobbies as they can do them in the evening at hours that clash with bedtimes etc.

I was over at theirs last Saturday for a visit with the kids. I left at 4pm. I asked what they were going to do for the evening? Dinner, bit of telly? "Oh no, we're gonna drive 40 miles away and back this evening on a hobby related jaunt". I was like .

God I've become so boring I had forgotten people have the ability to do that.

@Aprilx

your life sounds adventurous and fulfilled. This thread is already making it very clear to myself I want to travel more

I’m so sorry you couldn’t get what you wanted.

For me it’s a different situation - childless by circumstance as I didn’t meet anyone in time, and didn’t want to settle. I met someone at 47 and he was 51, but by then it was too late.

Things that helped for me:
Biological clock got extremely loud in my early 40s, and then the symptoms of perimenopause kicked in which was an acute reminder that no, I am not going to have children. Weirdly, that helped me make my peace with it, as the menopause WAS going to happen, I didn’t have any control over it, and it was going to draw a line under my aspirations. It was as if my body made my mind up for me.

Travel, flexibility, a bit more financial stability, a possible early retirement have also helped - as has planning things for a life without kids - actually having different aspirations, goals and dreams that don’t involve me having a baby. Invest in your relationship with your partner - it’s important and something many parents stop doing when kids come along.

Finally, other people’s kids have helped. In one way it’s seeing how hard it is, and how I don’t have to do the hard bits. I get to do the fun stuff. And I can still make a difference to a child’s life - friends and cousins kids are in my will as my investment into their future. Someone left me money once, not much, but enough to take a trip out of my comfort zone and change my world view. You can be a mentor, listen to kids read, volunteer at Brownies, Guides or Scouts, respite fostering, all kinds of things. As a previous poster said, there is more than one path to take in life, and although I found accepting I wasn’t going to have kids hard at first, I’m now 49 and in a good place. I like me, and I like the life that I have.

IVF failures and MCs can knock your confidence even when you do have a child. I still struggle and found CBT really helped me understand and believe that it wasn’t a personal failure and I was more than a vessel to have kids. So I would definitely start there - your clinic will be able to offer the service for free. I also think it’s fine if you’re not fine for a while; don’t feel like there’s a rush to overcome your grief. A little time to grieve the life you wanted is essential to help you move on.

I'm childfree by choice. Plus points are:
Cheaper house
Cheaper bills
More disposable income
More scope for travel
Can have sex anytime and in any room we want
Body remains a - your own and b - unspoilt

In short, you can do what you want because you've no responsibilities and more money.

Of course, you might prefer to spend less time at work and live on a reduced income if it will be sufficient.

I have children (this was after a few losses) and have two very good friends who are child free slightly different to you because they have chosen to have no children.
One works part time and then spends the rest of their time doing hobbies.
They both enjoy their homes ie decorate, buy new furniture, have clean and tidy homes.
They both have pets which they both love.
One has an allotment and goes as and when.
They both go away with their partners or independently.
They are stretching their careers by studying and doing courses.
Their money is their own.
I find the draw backs of having children are the weight of being responsible for them for the rest of my life overwhelming.
The worry of getting them into adulthood.
What will happen to them when I’m no longer around.
The worry of getting them through education and into work fairly unscathed.
You never know what children you are going to get, I have children with additional needs.
They are loud, noisy, messy and you always have to think about and consider them.
Maybe have a period of adjustment and feel upset and grieve your loss how ever long it takes and then make plans for a different future.
Best wishes and go easy on yourself.

Oh, one other thing I've remembered. Acquire child-free people as friends. I didn't do this intentionally, but we must gravitate towards each other when we find a kindred spirit. I am still very much friends with my mates who have kids, but it's hard when everything you do revolves around the children, and is an acute reminder that you wanted what they have. Childfree/childless woman are awesome and usually very interesting, because they just live a different way and have a different approach to life.

@doingthehoovering wow i found your post really interesting. We are late 40s and currently at the end of Stage1.
I retired from my real job 9 years ago and we got dogs, I've had a few part time jobs but right now i'm jobless.
I have no direction and feel like i'm waiting to have children, but if i'm honest... im not even sure I want children.
I don't know how to be childless, but I don't know how to have children either.
I don't know how to get on with my life, which way to go or what to do.

@newplanneeded good luck with your list/life... I just wanted to say you are very much not alone.

I'm sorry that you've walked down this difficult road.
What I'd probably add is that you are free of the anxiety and the responsibility of children. Something that I don't think ever really diminishes. The constant state of parenting doesn't leave you no matter how old they are. You can't keep them safe all their life, you can't guarantee they will be happy or even turn out to be nice people themselves.

Without children you have so much more freedom.

Once you have finished work, you can come home and relax.

No routines

No childcare issues

No children related dramas

You have the freedom to go away for a weekend on a whim.

You can go to any restaurant of your choice without having to check menus or if they allowed children in a certain times.

Freedom

1. Having more money, children cost an absolute fortune even before they are born.
2. Plenty of free time for hobbies or travel
3. Plenty of uninterrupted sleep
4. Less responsibility, a child is a life time commitment, doesn't stop when they come to 18 either.
5. You can have a beautiful home with little risk of your carpets being ruined or your walls being drawn on.

I'm sorry to hear of your misscarraiges and I hope that you go on to have a fabulous life ❤

I'm not in the same situation as you OP as my IVF treatment was successful, however a website I found very informative and useful was Gateway Women during my fertility journey and in between. The website provides support to involuntarily childless women.

I'm sorry for your miscarriages and the difficult journey you've endured, it's so tough.

I chose not to have children and married somebody with a child. Child now 21 and away (I love him) but we travel, spend time with good friends and family, have loads of outdoor hobbies, an adored pet, bit of charity work, planning on buying a camper - trust me a lot of fun and interests to be had child free

No one had mentioned health yet. Childbirth can cause irreversible damage. Many women suffer from urinary incontinence (even some of the ones who have caesarians). Many women are stitched up badly and are in pain for years afterwards with healthcare professionals who dismiss or ignore them. I was shocked when I read that faecal incontinence wasn't as rare as I thought it was. These aren't just appearance based things (which can really affect women's feelings too) - these are longterm health problems like nerve damage because of carrying a baby.

Holidays, city breaks, sight seeing, travelling, doing what you want, when you want.
A tidy car and home.
More money, more socialising, no routine, no screaming, yelling, frustration, resentment, arguing, exhaustion and child related stresses.
Time- having a child means you lose it.
There are things I want to do that I’ll never do now, places I want to go, but I’ll be too old by the time I’m able to.
We are tied to the area because of family, school and work. Tied to the same career because it’s safe and flexible and we are both pretty tired!
I was a size 8, healthy, fit…. not any more! 🤣😒