How to have a fulfilled life / relationship after failed IVF and MC

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After failed ivf (3 embryos) and a MC I spent a year working hard to overcome depression after the last MC. I decided I will now stop chasing pregnancy as I'm now in my 40s.
My longterm partner was happy to try and now is also happy to not have children.

I want to stop to focus on the downsides of not having children - please help me to find the positives.

A poster here on MN mentioned retiring early due to her childfree lifestyle - something I never thought about. It gave me back a glimpse of excitement for life, something I find hard to feel after going through this depression - treated by Cognitive Therapy and medication over a year - but to be honest I still think I haven't managed to completely shake it. I find it hard to feel any excitement for previous passions and hobbies.

If you live or imagine a childfree life, what is great about it? Please help me to see the upsides.

I have one ds but had multiple mmc late first trimester and several ivfs. While I’m lucky to have one dc, there’s still the guilt he’s an only child, societal pressure ( lost track of number of people who ask me when I’m having another). It’s been a draining few years which have impacted my mh and life.
My ds is wonderful but it is hard work, I had them late and was extremely independent before and found the routine and tantrums and all of this quite stifling !
My sibling had multiple rounds of ivf and no dc and she’s very at peace with it now. It took her several years though. She is a very caring person and looked after me like a mum when we were younger. I felt sad for her that she didn’t get the opportunity, however, she has a much more dynamic life that me always out and travelling with her dh ( pre covid) they love life. She’s glad to give my ds back to me when she babysits!

I think what's really important to think about is what gives you meaning/fulfilment in life and also how well developed your social/family/community networks are.

It is also a question of whether someone is childless through social infertility/circumstance (not having/meeting a suitable partner to have a family with)/medical reasons/unexplained, and those who are child free by choice.

I've posted earlier about having success with IVF treatment, however before this decision/outcome, I often debated with myself if having a child/family is something that I wanted. I have no family nearby, I'm single, I have a couple of good friends (one lives abroad though) and no 'community' to speak of. For me, trying to forge a family was extremely important as I literally have nobody else, and I wanted long-lasting kinship. If the treatment had failed, I think I would have gone back on the dating apps (begrudgingly) and tried to expand my friendship circle via some shared interests/activities.

Life as a single and childless person can be extremely fulfilling provided you identify where else meaning and fulfilment comes from.

*Life as a single person/or a couple who is childless

Sorry to hear about your MCs and IVF

I don't have children. Something I find quite helpful is to remember that the idealised idea I have of what life might have been like is just that - an idealised idea.

I actually have no idea what my life would be like with children - it could have gone either way to be honest, so I try to make the best of the life I have instead.

We did think about it a year or so ago as it seemed fairly likely we'd have to consider it.
I'd quit my job and retrain in something i would really love as don't have to worry about affording houses in good school districts or having a job with good maternity or family benefits.
I'd adopt some older dogs in need of love and attention who can't be rehomed with children.
I'd book some amazing trips round the world (before i got the dogs obv).
Take up something like pottery throwing or even glass blowing as always wanted to do them but we need to save for kids.
So much to enjoy in life other than kids!

I am in the same position as doingthehoovering and totally agree with what she said.

I had three ICSI/3 mc and it was an incredibly difficult time, compounded by the fact that everyone around us was starting families. In hindsight, as much as we love our adopted child, I wish we had just stopped for breath a bit. You can so caught up with not getting the results and news you want, and life is full of heartbreak and disappointment, that you just plough on. Adoption is wonderful, but not an easy path. As much as we would never be without our ds, people really don't really get what it's like being an adoptive parent.

I have just as many friends now who are childfree, both by choice and circumstance, living fulfilled lives as I do friends with children. Whatever you do, make sure it's what you want to do at this point, not what you feel is expected of you.

@narniaswardrobe what do you mean? what is it like?

karcheer i think what I’m trying to say, is that adoption shouldn’t be rushed into. It is wonderful, joyous, complicated, tough and over-whelming. As I expect having biological to be. It just feels a bit ‘extra’ at times. Our child is a pre-teen at the moment with all that usually entails, and at the moment things are not easy. I spend a lot of time trying to work out whether it’s normal pre-teen stuff or adoption related.

What I would say is that we love our ds fiercely, fight his corner and are his strongest advocates and loudest cheerleaders. We were extremely lucky to adopt him as a baby and we have only ever seen him as ‘ours’.

If you have any specific questions then I’m happy to respond by message.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I don't have children and I'm mostly very grateful for that although it took a lot of grieving to get here

Lots of great points on this thread. Take your time to figure out what are the important things for you in life - not having kids means you have more time and money to spend on them

A couple of people mentioned health, and that's a hugely important point. I'm 41, and I look and feel better than I did at 21, because I have time, energy and money to spend on a healthy diet, gym membership, yoga classes and generally taking care of myself. I usually get enough sleep and am able to prioritize my own health and wellbeing. That's something I'm grateful for every day

DP and I have time and energy for each other. That could be big stuff like holidays, or just chilling and watching Netflix together
I'm not exhausted, or overwhelmed, or resentful, or angry on a daily basis.

If you feel like you need some more support to come to terms with not being a parent, there is an excellent online community called Gateway Women - it's for women who don't have children for a whole range of reasons and who have complicated feelings about that. They are an extremely supportive bunch