Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Keep me away from the phone....

30 replies

bathsh3ba · 22/06/2021 14:01

So the guy I was seeing and I have hit 'pause' for a week or so while we work out if we are going to continue dating or not.

We had a full and frank discussion by phone call this morning; I was certainly honest and it feels like he was too. He originally asked to take a break a week ago but we had continued talking daily and basically cyber-dating until I said 'look, this almost-dating thing isn't right, we need to either date or not, but friends won't work'. He agreed and we talked on the phone about the reasons why we are both cautious about dating and the upshot was we are going to meet to discuss next week.

So I now have to find a way to sit on my hands till then and not mess it up by texting him. I said I'd give him time to think so I need to show him the respect of doing that. But I will be worrying that he will make up his mind not to date me before next week. Arrgh. Help! Keep me sane!

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 22/06/2021 14:04

So, if he thinks the situation isn't viable, you aren't going to persuade him otherwise by texting. It will just come across as annoying and a bit needy. Have you got something to distract you? Can you arrange to meet up with friends as much as poss between now and then?

OldEvilOwl · 22/06/2021 14:06

He's wasting your time, don't wait for him to decide

Kottontail · 22/06/2021 14:06

He will not miss you or think what life might be like without you if you message. Sit tight, do not contact him at all. Show your strength & resilience.

Original poster
bathsh3ba · 22/06/2021 14:07

I've got work, and I've arranged to meet a friend tomorrow. But I suspect it will be the evenings when I miss texting him the most and as a single mum, I've not got a lot of options.

I'm telling myself that thus far he has shown himself to be a decent guy so I just need to trust that he will do what he said and arrange to meet me next week, and show him the respect of waiting to hear and not messaging him first. But I think I might have to keep my phone hidden....

OP posts:
Umberellatheweatha · 22/06/2021 14:10

You have met him though?

Honestly op it sounds like he isn't looking for a relationship. Just an ego stroke/pen pal.

If someone wants to be with you they make the time to see you. It shouldnt be this hard. And you shouldn't have to 'chase' anyone.

Original poster
bathsh3ba · 22/06/2021 14:11

Yes, we have met. And I honestly don't think he's just looking for a pen pal or messing me around. We've both got divorce baggage is all....

OP posts:
Original poster
bathsh3ba · 22/06/2021 14:11

Anyway, it's a week of my life. If he doesn't set up that meeting, it's not as if I've lost a long time. I'd rather try and trust for the week and cross that bridge if I come to it.

OP posts:
OrchestraOfWankery · 22/06/2021 14:13

Is he having a go with someone else for a while, do you think?

Original poster
bathsh3ba · 22/06/2021 14:16

It's possible but I doubt it given we've been messaging every waking minute for the past week until this morning when we talked and I said we had to stop that until we met and talked things through properly.

OP posts:
Umberellatheweatha · 22/06/2021 14:19

I couldn't be arsed with someone who demanded that much attention via phone yet couldn't make the time to meet me op. Good on you for setting a boundary on things now though. Either he dates you, properly, or call it a day.

Weirdfan · 22/06/2021 14:22

If you're genuinely invested and want it to work out you will definitely blow it if you text when he's asked you not to so just keep telling yourself that when you get the urge?

Sakurami · 22/06/2021 14:25

My friend's boyfriend decided to finish it quite suddenly. She was devastated but picked herself up, went out with friends and made plans for the summer. She stopped talking to him and blocked him on social media. 10 days later, he said he needed to fix things as he really missed her.

Your guy needs to feel what it's like not to have you in his life. And realise that he can't take you for granted either.

Original poster
bathsh3ba · 22/06/2021 14:30

To be fair, he hasn't asked me not to specifically.

We were dating (in person) and things were going fine.
He then got into a panic about something that triggered him because of his divorce experience and said he needed to take a break.
I said fine, we'll just be friends for a while, but then he continued to basically still cyber-date me, messaging me all the time.
I said this isn't right and friends won't work. Either date or let's just end it here. I said I was willing to meet up and talk about it if he wanted to but that if he was sure this was it, he should just go.
He said he does need time to think but he definitely wants to meet up, can't do this week though, will contact me to arrange a time next week.
I said ok, but let's keep texts just friendly from now on and not send so many.

So now I have to keep to what I said, but I'll find it hard.

OP posts:
cookiecreampie · 22/06/2021 14:31

I've been through similar. The guy ended things abruptly after he had made out he was in love with me, which he was entitled to do but I felt he had used me as an emotional and sexual outlet. I let him string me along until I realised it wasn't worth the stress and I deserved better. If he really liked you and wanted to date you, he would be. It sounds like it's all on his terms and you're just expected to go along with his wishes. I'd be ending this and walking away because he's wasting your time and will continue to do so while you let him.

Original poster
bathsh3ba · 22/06/2021 14:33

He can have a week.... If he hasn't set up that meeting by this time next week, I move on.

We haven't slept together and no-one's said they love each other. We had been deliberately taking it slowly.

OP posts:
seensome · 22/06/2021 14:37

I would bin him off now quite honestly, he's not that keen or he would be eager to meet you soon as possible not stringing you along like he is, telling you he's thinking about it and can't do this week but next etc
Where did you meet him, dating app? Is he still on there not ready to meet anyone?

Original poster
bathsh3ba · 22/06/2021 14:40

Yes, a dating app and no, he deleted his profile. Of course he could have set up a new one but trust has to start somewhere.... He has got other stuff going on too with family/work. I can understand the advice but it is so rare for me to meet someone I actually like that I'm minded to give it the week, but I have a clear boundary in my mind to move on after that.

OP posts:
Umberellatheweatha · 22/06/2021 14:45

Are you absolutely sure he is divorced? Have you had a good old social media nosey?

Original poster
bathsh3ba · 22/06/2021 14:48

Yes he is definitely divorced. I can see from social media photos of his ex-wife with the kids at Christmas years back saying 'Merry Christmas from X, Y and Z' with no mention of them, and pics of her with a new man. So yes, I'm sure he's divorced and everything I've seen on social media checks out with what he has told me.

OP posts:
Mermaidwaves · 22/06/2021 15:14

This guy is already giving you the run around, I suspect he will continue to do this as time goes on. It's hard to meet decent guys OLD, I know, but this one doesn't sound as if he's over his divorce, it doesn't look like a great start.

ChristmasFluff · 22/06/2021 16:27

Aaaah, we have a timid forest animal! So easily triggered! So prone to scampering back into the undergrowth!

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. If it's fragile, let it break.

Block and delete. Or waste your time tip-toeing around this delicate creature, for fear of scaring him off again; and to-ing and fro-ing between friends and lovers for .... oooh, basically as long as you put up with his shenanigans.

You'll end up dumping him anyway, so best to do it early doors and save time.

momtoboys · 22/06/2021 16:35

Don't call him. It sounds as though this relationship is dying a natural death. When you are able to move on you will realize that it was a good thing. Hold your head up high and look to the future.

HelenHywater · 22/06/2021 16:36

So he's pulled back due to his panic? But asked you to wait while he decides what HE wants? You need to take back control - YOU decide and stop messaging him and move on! He's got you on a string waiting for him to summon you back.

No doubt he'll be back, but he'll do the same again. You are worth more than this

Glitterb · 22/06/2021 16:44

Take this time to consider if this relationship is for you, if he is having second thoughts this early on then it is likely he will do it again leaving you sitting around waiting. It’s early days without too many intense feelings so it shouldn’t be too difficult to walk away.

seensome · 22/06/2021 16:49

Keep yourself on the dating site, I have a feeling after a week he'll be saying sorry but I'm not ready for seeing anyone right now.