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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feel like I'm being psychologically tortured!!

34 replies

Mehhhhhhhhh · 22/06/2021 08:41

Does anyone have any advice on what I can do because I cannot continue like this!! Me and DP broke up a month ago, ever since his mother has been taking control over contact and maintenance and it's come to light that she actually falsified the maintenance amount so I've had to go through CM however in the last month she has demanded items to be returned in the rudest ways/called me a bad mother when I pulled her up about smacking DS bum, and demanding money from me. I can't eat, I'm struggling to sleep and when I do sleep it's not restful, when i do eat I feel sick for the rest of the day, I'm constantly on edge and everytime my phone pings from messenger I'm full of dread In case it's her. I feel sick every single day, I'm an anxious mess, my brain feels like it's full of fog, I just don't know what to do. I've told my ex that it's up to us to sort out about DS bit whether he will is yet to be seen. I can't take anymore from exs mother. It feels like I'm under psychological warfare, I've called the GP and awaiting a call back from them.

Oh and to add Insult to injury she's nice as pie to my face. Everyone has said she's a master manipulator. I'm just feeling so low and I'm exhausted from being in a constant state of fight or flight, I can't even relax, i try but my thoughts just start to race and the anxiety starts worse if I'm not doing anything. Every morning I'm suffering digestive issues from the stress and anxiety.

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 22/06/2021 08:43

Why is she so involved? Block and delete her number. Refuse to speak to her. If she’s smacking your child you can refuse to let her have contact and if your ex won’t support you in this you can speak to social services about the pair of them and say you only want them to have contact through a contact centre.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/06/2021 08:47

FFS, block her. There is absolutely no reason you should have to communicate with her.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 22/06/2021 08:48

Just tell her not to contact you Confused

Geanna2 · 22/06/2021 08:50

Block her. It's none of her business. You deal with your ex, not his mother.

MondayYogurt · 22/06/2021 08:51

She smacked your child?

Fireflygal · 22/06/2021 08:53

Just inform your Ex that only him and you have parental responsibility and therefore can communicate about your child.

Was she like this before the separation?

jozipozi31 · 22/06/2021 08:55

Just send a text to him saying you will only deal with him. Tell him you won't allow his mum to smack your child and if it happens again, will talk to the GP. And say you are stopping all contact with her as she is upsetting you.

Then BLOCK her.

Mehhhhhhhhh · 22/06/2021 09:01

I've told him that I will no longer deal with his mum and she's ignored that request. Next stage is too block her. I know that seems like the most reasonable thing to do but she's put me into such a high state of stress and paranoia that I keep overthinking it all and scared it will be used against me or if il be seen as being uncooperative if that makes sense?

OP posts:
Dacquoise · 22/06/2021 09:01

She's bullying you which is why you are feeling so frightened. She needs to be blocked on all communication and only contact your DP. I would also not be allowing her to see your DS if she has assaulted him, he needs protecting from her.

Mountaingoatling · 22/06/2021 09:04

Just block her. You need to be civil with your ex. You don't legally or morally need to speak to her at all. Keep a record of any messages she sent you which you feel contributed to your decision.

beigebrownblue · 22/06/2021 09:25

Yes block.

When you do, after a time you should begin to grow more confident about owning your parental responsiblity. Extended 'family' of bullying ex's can do this.

It is really difficult. Doesn't sound like her actions are for the welfare of your child. And that comes first.

Bagelsandbrie · 22/06/2021 09:25

@Mehhhhhhhhh

I've told him that I will no longer deal with his mum and she's ignored that request. Next stage is too block her. I know that seems like the most reasonable thing to do but she's put me into such a high state of stress and paranoia that I keep overthinking it all and scared it will be used against me or if il be seen as being uncooperative if that makes sense?
You can’t be seen as uncooperative - you’re willing to speak to your ex just not to her!
Geanna2 · 22/06/2021 09:30

People only bully you if you allow them to. Stop allowing her. She's not the father of your children. You've already told him once you won't deal with her and she's ignored that, now back it up and block her. Don't speak to her on the phone full stop.

pinkyredrose · 22/06/2021 09:58

Please block her. She sounds unhinged.

Mehhhhhhhhh · 22/06/2021 10:00

I don't think I'm allowing her to bully me, I'm in a constant state of anxiousness, GP has called back and has swapped my antidepressants over. So I'm hoping they will work better than the ones im on currently.

OP posts:
MingeofDeath · 22/06/2021 10:11

You are allowing her to bully you though. Stop giving her power she doesn't have, block her and deal with your ex only. Are you frightened of her?

Flowers500 · 22/06/2021 10:15

Stop allowing her to bully you. Lay down firm lines, demand they are followed. It sounds like you are having an entirely seperate mental health crisis too, you shouldn’t be responding like this when it’s a case of “this has nothing to do with you, I will speak to my ex about this, thanks.”

Mehhhhhhhhh · 22/06/2021 10:16

Yes very but not because of anything physical it's the power she holds over her son and how she takes over with our DS. It's hard to put into words why etc

OP posts:
Mehhhhhhhhh · 22/06/2021 10:18

Mental health wise I've always had anxiety, however after my Ex walked out its been so much worse as yes I'm heartbroken but I know it's not a relationship I want to have back and his mum has decided that it's her in control or no one at all. My Ex is a mummy's boy, won't ever stand up to her. I've made the decision to no longer respond to her and only deal with my ex.

OP posts:
OpalBerry · 22/06/2021 10:24

Yes, say to your ex you will have no further contact with his mother due to her behaviour and she's lucky you haven't yet reported her to the police for assaulting your child.

Geanna2 · 22/06/2021 10:27

@Mehhhhhhhhh

Mental health wise I've always had anxiety, however after my Ex walked out its been so much worse as yes I'm heartbroken but I know it's not a relationship I want to have back and his mum has decided that it's her in control or no one at all. My Ex is a mummy's boy, won't ever stand up to her. I've made the decision to no longer respond to her and only deal with my ex.
She can decide whatever she likes, it's still none of her business.
Dacquoise · 22/06/2021 12:09

Not sure if this will be useful for you if you are suffering from anxiety about difficult communications from anybody not just your DP's mother.

A technique I found useful when dealing with my ex-husband who tried to bully me by email when he put me through court a second time was to not open any communication the moment it appeared. I would wait for at least an hour, sometimes a day and allow myself to calm down. If you feel you are being attacked, your body immediately reacts. Dealing with stuff when you coursing with adrenaline can make it worse as you are in flight mode. If I thought it was going to be something upsetting, I would get someone else to look at it and then report it back to me ie take the sting out it.

Do you have a friend, or family that can advocate for you in this way?

ChristmasFluff · 22/06/2021 12:12

I'd go one step further and only communicate with your ex through an email that can be accessed by professionals, such as Our Family Wizard.

Because you can be that when she cannot bully you directly, she will try to bully you through him. Knowing that courts can see every communication tends to cut down on nastiness - and if it doesn't, it is evidence, plain as day.

Onthedunes · 22/06/2021 12:33

It must have always been hard being in a relationship with this woman in the background.

I'm sorry he left and you are having such a hard time, this 'mother' should be understanding that you are heartbroken and trying to deal with that. You say you are not being bullied, but I think you are, you are giving this woman far too much head space, you need to detatch from her.

Take away her power and ONLY deal with your ex partner. She sounds manipulative and controlling whist owtwardly appearing a saint to others.
A wolf in sheep's clothing.

Have you any RL support who can help you? Please do not feel any guilt for extinguishing her from your life, it is not your problem that your ex has given up his parental responsibility to his mother.
Yep, he sounds like a mummy's boy, he is the one to grow up not you, take care of yourself and stop allowing this awful woman to steal your confidence.

Flowers
Mehhhhhhhhh · 22/06/2021 12:42

@Onthedunes I have family who are helping me and friends to vent to. Your right she has taken up alot of head space and its causing me so much stress.

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