Can't talk to DH

[NebulaStorm]

We talk but about general things. We're isolating at the moment and I'd like to discuss it, about the potential for getting Covid and how it might aftect our week away in the UK but he just tells me he isn't interested.

I've told him I'm not able to talk to him about anything, and he just says he's bored of the pessimism. All I want to do is discuss practicalities and book insurance and that I'm worried about only having 1 vaccine. Can't say I've been over anxious about the whole Covid situation. We had a disagreement over Christmas as I said no to his adult children staying over night and he spent ages trying to think of ways to circumvent the rules.

He just likes to talk about You Tube videos. I can't talk about anything of importance as he shuts me down. I dread to think what would happen if I ended up with depression or similar.

In fact, we are isolating because I felt I couldn't talk to him. We met up with his adult children, but they had been in contact with someone and informed by T&T they needed to isolate. After many phone calls they were removed, something to do with an hour somewhere although I'm not sure of the full details. They had many negative tests, and I felt I couldn't challenge going as I'd be shot down. So we went for the day, and now they have tested positive on what would have been day 10 .I can't talk to him about this either and feel shit I didn't stand up for whtat I thought we should do.

Sounds to me, he doesn't want to listen to your point of view at all. Is he like this when you talk about other things?

I can't talk about any issues. This morning after we had the conversation and he shut me down, he came up to me to show me something all chirpy while I feel like crap. If I don't respond all happy he'll say 'arnt you talking to me'.

He'll talk about world issues, education for DD etc, you tube videos, how to design the garden.

I also think he is just invalidating your opinions and emotions. If he claims you are negative or pessimistic then he doesn't have to listen to you. Very effective way to silence you.

Is there an age difference in your relationship such that there is a power inbalance? How long have you been together?

Been together for 16 years, married for 10. Use to have 50/50 step children but adults now. DD primary. 11 years difference. I'm not dependant on him and have a good career.

He may already feel internally anxious about this himself and is trying to not think about it, I feel that way sometimes. Are you not able to arrange insurance yourself and other practicalities and leave it there… it’s about splitting responsibilities, he could be doing the garden and seeing to the kids’ learning etc.., whilst you’re handling this.

Unless you’re worried there are too many other things he doesn’t care about that bother you? Is he supportive in other ways?

Well yes I could arrange the insurance, but that isn't the point. I want to be able to have a discussion with my husband without being cut off the conversation doesn't suit him.

I actually want to talk about how I can't talk to him about anything of importance, but I cant.

Our household chores are generally split. We both earn a reasonable wage. I do more of the planning and thinking which can be frustrating but that's down to personality types.

Is he generally like this or just about Covid? If so there is generally fatigue and many people feel less keen to adhere to the rules. I can see how couples will fall out if they have different views on covid risks

However it could be that he only wants to discuss subjects that interest him or have a direct impact on him. Why not keep a journal and see how often this happens.

I don’t want to be unkind, but I’ll swap your partner for my ex! That’s actually not a bad description at all!

Frankly, who wanted to talk about Covid all the time! I’d rather go clean the toilets, or change the cat litter.

Sometimes when we feel anxious or stressed out about other things, we can tend to project this on our partners. Are you feeling quite stressed apart from your issues with him?

OP - it’s hard to tell from a short post what is happening in your relationship.
But for me - the two main things that I noticed in your posts are that you are quite covid-anxious. And that you don’t seem particularly close/or like his kids.

After a year+ of pandemic - I don’t blame him for not wanting to talk to you about your anxiety of only having one jab. He can’t do anything to change that anyway. And if you want to get insurance if you get covid - just do it 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Your title is misleading - as he clearly talks to you about world issues, your child, life practicalities. Which is what people in relationship used to talk to.
What he seems to not want to talk about is covid. And he isn’t the only one by now.

No, it's been this way for a while really. As an example, he'll ask me to clean my hair out of the shower plug. Fair enough. If I ask him to wipe the work surface down after use, he'll start listing things im not doing. It will then escalate into him saying something like 'yep I'm just rubbish.'

I'm certain other couples would discuss things like this without it turning into a whole drama? It means I feel I can't say anything like this.

I'm rather close to his kids! And I'm not overly Covid anxious, but I do have vulnerable parents I need to think about.

Yes we talk, but I may as well be talking to my brother.

He sounds a bit immature to me, as though he wants to avoid responsibility - maybe in case he gets things wrong?

OP - you do sound hyper anxious about covid. And clearly are still having arguments and anxieties about it.
Vulnerable population, including your parents, have long been double vaccinated. And are protected and safe. Just look at numbers - they aren’t in hospitals or having severe diseases.
Single shot provides lots of protection already - that’s about you.
So your worry about getting covid while on a trip within the U.K. and need to discuss insurance - is quite irrational for most people.

As to his kids. They have been in your life for 16 years, since they were children, I presume. And you still refer to them ‘his children’ rather than ‘my/our stepkids’. And you clearly argue about seeing them, using your covid fears as an excuse to not.

Has communication between you and your H got worse in the past year? Many couples have struggled with enforced relentless togetherness. And bickering increased. And it sounds a bit like what you are describing.

I'm not worried about getting Covid on holiday. I'm worried about our holiday being cancelled due to burst bubbles at school and loosing our money. We go in 3 weeks and currently isolating. If we end up with symptoms on day 10 it really cuts it close.

We rarely argue about them. They live in their own houses. We argued at Christmas because I felt we should follow the guidance and not create a chain involving what would have been 7 house holds over 2 days if you include their mother, and then their partners families. I also prioritised my unvaccinated father this Christmas as he lived alone. Nealy 16 years years of happily doing step kid family Christmas, I thought this was fine. I don't think that is being anxious.

And I don't think we should have met up with them Satuedayas they were in contact with someone who was positive 9 days ago, although T&T took them off the system, I would rather not risk DD missing 10 days of school, and risk being ill. But now we are isolating and DD is missing school.

I try not to use 'step kids', because it gives the impression they are young and it results in muddying discussions, although I guess this will happen as soon as you mention stepchildren, regardless. They are great, I'm very proud of them, they are amazing with their sister, I'm looking forward to gaining two daughter in laws.

Not sure why were discussing my step family. There is no issue there.

It's not Covid fears, it's Covid rules over the past 15 months! We've seen the step kids outside of the two scenarios discussed above. Not use how it's turned into me using Covid 'anxiety' not to see them! It's no different to decided not to see other family members of friends.

Regarding the holiday and insurance can you not just get the insurance (if possible) and then try to stop worrying. I don't know the nature of the conversations that you're experiencing but I would also find it hard to dwell on or worry about things that are not in my control. If something happens and you can't go well that's what happens...all the talking in the world won't prevent that. If it's more productive conversation about managing problems effectively that is being shut down well that's a different matter.

It isn't really about the insurance. It isn't about Covid, it just happens to be the recent example.

It's about me not being able to say let's not go, let's rearrange for next weekend because I don't want DD to potentially miss school and for us to potentially catch it when they were in close contact with a confirmed case, for fear of being dismissed and told to stop being pessimistic and for the conversation to be shut down. And now DD is missing school and again I can't discuss that I felt I couldn't dicuss it with him before because he shuts the conversation down.

I'm in a position where I can't address or dicuss anything that I feel needs sorting out. This is leading to an issue in the relationship and I can't talk about it because he won't let me.

If I ask him to wipe the work surface down after use, he'll start listing things im not doing. It will then escalate into him saying something like 'yep I'm just rubbish.

I guess he is highly defensive and becomes the victim and blames you if you try to ask him to do something. This hyper sensitivity is extremely difficult to live with as you end up walking on eggshells. Has he always been like this?

I think I'll just keep a note, like you suggest.

I logged onto my home laptop earlier so DD and I could work out a routine, and it had his account and WhatsApp open as he sometimes borrows it. It had him discussing the exchange of words with a friend and they were joking about getting me to watch porn. I know it's just an exchange between mates, but feel a bit gutted. Shut the WhatsApp down as didn't want to go digging.

Urgh that's horrible. In combination with him constantly shutting you down, it doesn't suggest he respects you at all.

And no, I don't think you're being unreasonable about Covid etc. I think you're pissed off because you are carrying the work of managing things for everyone againt a strong headwind of his resistance to being inconvenienced in any way at all, eg by having to consider other people.

Thanks candy. Feel flat today, and feel rather detached from my relationship tbh. I guess trying to work and home school, while stuck in the house is doing no good.

I'd like to discuss having time to my self after this with DH as I get zero while he has much more due to the way activities are split e.g I am out with DD 5 hours a week, two hours spent doing a joint activity so I get exercise in, but it is still panreting, so he has that time, and also his activity time of 3-4 hours a week. Feel like I need some time out! I tried to talk about it before. I say 'can we look at the schedule so I could get some time to my self', he hears 'you get too much time.'