What happened to you post divorce? Does anyone regret leaving?

[girlwiththealiceband]

Hi,
I am at the stage of strongly considering asking my husband for a divorce. I have not been happy for some time, have tried to deal with various things that have upset and disappointed me but have recently realised that I just don't love him as a partner anymore. I'm pretty anxious about the stress of a divorce, how the children would cope, and how the practicalities would work.
It would really help me to hear some stories about life after divorce with children. How did you cope? What helped you at the time? What would you not recommend doing? Do you have any regrets? Did you meet someone else when you were ready? Did you want to meet someone but things didn't turn out as you hoped? Was your new relationship more successful because you had learned from your marriage? Negative stories are fine as well as positive!

Divorce is like childbirth - painful, messy and sometimes humiliating but it's over relatively quickly and well worth it for the long term benefits.

FWIW both XDH and I have remarried very happily, and the children have grown up to be relatively sane, independent and happy.

A wise friend said the first couple of years after splitting up are full of madness and nobody should be allowed to make long term decisions until they are over.

I was married for 12 years and thought I wouldn't cope without him but the end wasn't as bad as I'd thought it would be. Met someone 6 weeks later and still together 8 years on.
I imagined my self sitting in a chair as an old woman looking back over my life and imagining what my biggest regret was and it was staying with him. I just had to be brave.

I don’t regret it but 3.5 years later and I’m struggling to meet someone else because he barely sees them (his choice- a few hours during the day every second Saturday) so they’re with me nearly all the time.

Loving life. I remembered how he looked down on me and was was so unsupportive of EVERYTHING. I tried to frame everything as a change and an adventure. Zero regrets, l wasted too much time with him

I have only been divorced for a year. I have 2 kids.

When I was about to divorce, a friend told me that the first two years are hard, and then life settles and you start thriving.
So I set off with this advice in mind - I could totally put up with two shit years, providing life goes up after that.

It has just been a year for me. Keep in mind that it was a Covid year - so messed up anyway. And I was made redundant last summer - 3 weeks after I moved out of my marital home. And I had to spend 3 months in a homeless B&B with my kids. And I had a Covid. So a few added extras.

Even with all that - I am very happy now. I have a flat, a new job, the kids are fine and we are actually good friends with my ex. He has stepped up as a dad and spends quality time with kids and I have free weekends.

I found that things will go however you imagine they will go.
I imagined that I will stay in some dump at the beginning - and that exactly what happened. Then I thought - enough of this - I am ready for my lovely new home - before I knew it - I got a very nice flat. Then I felt ready to get a well-paid job that I could combine with being a single mum - boom! I have a very nice and flexible job that I can combine with school runs.
Now I am feeling I might be ready for a relationship. Watch this space :)

I’ve been divorced for about 5 years and I don’t regret it at all. We were both miserable and so were the kids.
It took me a long time to settle down but I am a happier parent now and my kids are happier.
However, I still miss them a lot on the weekends they spend with their dad, and they don’t always want to go. But mostly it is fine.

I have a lovely new partner but we have chosen to keep things very separate from the kids - best decision ever as it means we are in perpetual honeymoon phase and my kids know that I’m not going to move some random man into the house. I would recommend it :)

Hard to say. I agree with the “messy” two years - divorce took a lot of mental and emotional headspace, and it took a while to adapt. Was about to start to fly when COVID hit!! So feel my wings are still somewhat clipped. Ask me again in a couple of years…

I’m just so glad I said enough is enough! Looking back he didn’t truly care and respect me and I do feel I wasted the decade with him. The kids were ok as I had definitely been the main carer, they had grown up with a strained relationship with him and I hadn’t realised that until we were on our own and properly relaxed.
I met someone, we’ve been married donkeys and my children are adult with a minimal relationship with their biological father (he bought a boat when they were teens and sails the world). My husband does the fathering and grandfathering and we are, simply, happy.

No, I have never regretted it. Not for one day. I felt 10 years younger the moment I packed and went. I left after 31 years, the kids had left home, and I wanted a different future. I walked out in the lot, other than personal items, started again and have been married for 15 years to the love of my life.

My first marriage was a learning curve (as was my DH’s first marriage for him), and we deal with any issues without stress, aggravation or insults!

A second marriage can be a lot better - if you learn from the mistakes of the first.

Good luck.

I don't see a relationship as being the be all and end all so I was quite happy to stay single when I split up from my ex husband. I've dated a bit here amd there but, 10 years on, still haven't had a 'proper' relationship.

Never regretted leaving him though. Not once.

No regrets here. It seemed insurmountable before, exH wanted to keep the status quo as it suited him, he didn’t give a monkeys that my needs weren’t met.
Currently I am single, and so happy. Much better for the DC as well.

So much happier. Wish I had left a lot sooner. He moved out 4 years ago but marriage was dead 2+ years before that. Have met lovely new DP, kids are well adjusted, exH continues to repeat behaviours I hated so much and while we are amicable I just know I would be seething with resentment if we were still together.

I stayed in the marital home and eventually bought him out some years later. I had an OKish job during term time. Eventually sold the house for a huge profit once the kids had left home, paid off the mortgage and bought a little cottage outright. Sold that, made a profit and bought my now forever home outright which I'm slowing doing up room by room between work and looking after GS.
Splitting with the ex was the best thing I ever did. He was a gambler and I never knew, all I did know was that no matter how hard I worked we never had enough money to pay the bills. Once he was gone I had my salary, maintenance and, at that time, tax credits. I was even able to take the children on holiday once a year. The children still saw him regularly and maintained a good relationship. When we evnetually divorced ( some ten yeats later) all the money stuff had been sorted amicably, children were fine and we just did a quickie one with no solicitors and no pain, just signed a paper I think
I chose not to bring any other men into the childrens lives but dated, had sex etc though no serious relationship, I'm very happy and content

I’ve been separated 6 years, the divorce still isn’t done as he just avoided sorting it. But I have no regrets, parenting alone is hard but to be honest easier than with him as he never did anything anyway so I feel better not “expecting” help. I dated shortly after and was attacked so I would definitely say if you haven’t dated in eons then lose the naivety of youth and work on boundaries first.

As for the positives there are many, I focused on me, I’m about 4 stone lighter, exercise and am happier and healthier than when I was depressed and bored eating with him. My career has flown and I’m financially now very well off compared to being with him (despite no maintenance for the kids), I have solid friends and can do what I want when I want (with kids or alone with childcare).

I know who I am now and I like me. Dating now I’ve wised up is fun, haven’t had a relationship but had some great laughs and met some lovely men who are still in my life as friends. I’ve started my hobbies again and generally while a relationship isn’t on the cards really until I have more time I’m happy and have zero regrets.

I'm 5 years on. It was his decision to end the marriage so this might not be a relevant anecdote for you but...

I hate it.
I have a job, I don't have money worries. I am bone crushingly lonely and I haven't met anyone else. Online dating is hideous. I am so tired of doing everything by myself. I am just tired. I have a houseful of teens now who no longer want to do family things but when they were younger I hated the weekends without them when they went to their father.

If you are older than mid 40s it can be very difficult to meet a new partner and you might have to stay single. Are you ok with that?

I ended up technically not divorced because my husband died before the nisi was pronounced (12 days before), but as soon as he left the marital home, my DDs started singing in the shower again, playing and laughing like normal teenagers, actually being happy. There was a sense of light and peace in the house that had not been there for years. I did a parenting course with a view to being the best parent I could to them post separation and that really helped me support them - signed up voluntarily. Money was tight (until I inherited everything from him) but it was so much better than life with him.

I'm still single 3 years on, don't think I'll ever live with a man again.

Purplewithred

I don't think divorce is like childbirth. When you find out you're pregnant you know that you will have to give birth. When you get married you don't consider that it might end with divorce. That op is one of the hardest parts.

pointythings

Without wanting to sound crass that is one brilliant result.

Wish I’d have done it sooner.
After the initial mess, once the dust settles (took a few months here) it’s so incredibly freeing.
I’m only 25, we’d been together for over a decade so it almost felt like a betrayal leaving even though it was a very unequal partnership and he was a selfish narcissist. I didn’t want that to be the way my DC viewed a marriage.

It’s amazing what happens when you finally decide to consider your own needs. I’ve grown in confidence, I’ve lost 3 stone since last year and my relationships at work and within my social circle have flourished.
Unfortunately he completely abandoned our two DC and hasn’t seen them in nearly a year, we are just about to start mediation in a few weeks to resume contact but now I feel in a stable strong place to stand my ground and make him see the children’s needs come before his.
No regrets here OP x

I divorced about 7 years ago when I was early 40s and kids were early and late secondary school. Best decision ever. Meet my now DP 2 years later.

I knew two years prior that I’d had enough but die to his mental health and job situation I was stuck for a while. Plus I had to work thru in my own mind what it would mean for me financially, and how I’d go if he had the kids 50%. Work thru worse case scenarios before you do too much, it will be easier for you.

Think about the outcomes you want, and the best way to get them.

Plan, short term and long term.

When you’re ready go for it BUT try and make it become a “joint” decision, it will be easier and give him some sense of control that he wants a divorce too.

Remember if you stay and you’re unhappy, your kids will think that’s the kind of adult relationship that they can expect. Don’t make them have that same life.

Oh and don’t think about living together with someone else’s kids in a new relationship without reading and reading and reading the step parenting boards.

My only regret is I didn’t do it sooner.

@Missillusioned

I'm 5 years on. It was his decision to end the marriage so this might not be a relevant anecdote for you but...

I hate it.
I have a job, I don't have money worries. I am bone crushingly lonely and I haven't met anyone else. Online dating is hideous. I am so tired of doing everything by myself. I am just tired. I have a houseful of teens now who no longer want to do family things but when they were younger I hated the weekends without them when they went to their father.

If you are older than mid 40s it can be very difficult to meet a new partner and you might have to stay single. Are you ok with that?

It's so sad that you feel as you do. I decided that I was going to create a single life for me. When I hadn't got plans and I spent weekends alone I would be decorating, gardening, cooking and visiting friends and family. I created a great single life. Out of the blue, after ten years aged 47 I met my amazing partner and 4 years later I'm so in love with the most amazing relationship. It takes someone amazing to change an already happy life.

Please don't give up yet. Create your happy life and don't believe you're too old mid 40s

I separated and subsequently divorced over a decade ago, in my mid 30s. I regret as pps have said, not doing it sooner - the end of my marriage was hideous and protracted and I wish I had had the strength to be more organised. I also regret not taking the bastard for more financially- in my efforts to be amicable, I got financially screwed over. I have remained single though and happily so, there is nothing that I need from a partner and for the things I want... a Fwb is quite sufficient.

@forumdonkey I'm older than mid 40s now. I find ways to entertain myself at the weekends and I do have friends, although I don't have any family apart from my children. Obviously lockdown has made things difficult but I still feel very adrift. I think it probably does make a difference who decided to end the marriage. My ex and I also had a very acrimonious divorce. He left for OW and then proceeded to drag the divorce out trying to get every last penny he could out of the house.

@girlwiththealiceband, I think it depends on the reasons for leaving a marriage. Mine was emotionally abusive and was affecting my health so leaving was definitely the right thing to do. I have no regrets I left. No one should regret leaving a marriage where there is abuse, affairs or addictions.

Downsides are time away from dc, especially the significant dates such as Christmas or any family events that fall outside your agreed contact. There will be reduced money as it is cheaper to run 1 house. The children will be upset (unless the marriage means home life is awful) but they do recover.
Men tend to move on much quicker than woman, I've seen some men date within weeks so be prepared for another woman to be involved in your ex's life. If you have completely fallen out of love this won't impact you but another partner can impact your children's lives, negatively or positively.

I think 2 years post separation is a fair recovery period. There is usually a house move and financial upheaval so this time allows you to establish a firmer footing.

I don't think 2nd marriages are generally more successful as statistics show divorces in 2nd marriages are higher. Every marriage will have periods of stress but 2nd marriages often involve joining two families and step dynamics are extremely difficult to negotiate. It's why many women choose to never live with another man whilst children are at home. Also 2nd marriages risk further financial losses so people generally are much more cautious.

Dating when older IS more challenging for women. Men tend to select from a wider range of ages..a man in his 40s believes he has a choice of women between early 30s and early 50s. Women generally restrict to ages closer to themselves. Subsequently there are less good men around to date.

Falling out of love happens but equally some people will say that it is possible to stay in a marriage and rekindle affection if both parties committed. I have a family member who has been married over 15 years and had very difficult periods but now say their marriage is the happiest. They put it down to children getting older and pressures on finances reducing. As a result they have more time together and they have chosen to move on from past resentments (no abuse or affairs though just the usual upsets from living together).

The leap into the unknown was the best thing I ever did!
I ain’t tell you that it was easy the first two years, but I got through it with the support of family.

We had lived together for 6 years, now I look back and wonder why I didn’t end it sooner. I learned to be myself again and to enjoy my freedom and meeting new people and going to new places that would never have happened had I stayed.

It’s been 9 years now and I have had several satisfying shorter relationships, but had decided never to live with anyone again, or at least never to let my apartment go, it’s wonderful to have a place of refuge and independence and privacy for yourself if things are not working out within a relationship. Keep that in mind.

Don’t be afraid, if you’re unhappy, give yourself the relief and release you need.