Worried about being awkward DIL

[Dinodeen]

I’m posting as I’m so wracked with anxiety about this and want to be reasonable!

I am pregnant- first grandchild for both sides. Both sides over the moon.

My MIL has put a lot of pressure on us for years to ‘give’ her a grandchild and FIL also said ‘get on with it’. They have made ‘jokes’ before about giving them the baby half the week. They live 20 miles away and have form for being upset if we don’t see them often enough, call etc.

I’m extremely anxious about how intrusive they will be once baby is here. My BIL made jokes about how my MIL will refuse to leave our house, MIL is talking about getting a car seat for their car and cot for their house, it all feels too much and like plans are being made for my baby without me. Well my MIL said ‘oh I’ve got it all planned out’ about how it will be once baby is here but she’s not shared those plans with DH or I!

I don’t know if this is too prescriptive:

I am envisioning one grandparents visit once baby born, then no one for two weeks whilst DH is on leave. Then grandparents can come visit 1-2 times a week, probably won’t be visiting theirs much as too much effort to lug everything in the car.
Probably wider family visit and have a ‘sip and see’ around the 4-6 week point if I know which way is up again. Then hopefully slip down to seeing grandparents 1 times a fortnight.

Then once baby is 9 months and back in work we will visit in laws probably once a month.
My parents live nearby and have promised a one day a week childcare commitment.
Would take same off PIL but this would mean FIL knocking down a day at work as MIL doesn’t drive. It would also mean 80 miles driving for baby for them to collect baby, go back to theirs, and then bring them back- is this too much for a baby under 1?! We can afford nursery no problem so it’s not really for our benefit as much as bonding with grandparents.

I feel like the problem is if my parents are too much I can tell them to bugger off and they won’t be offended, and they are so close I can basically give them a buzz once baby is settled so they can nip around for a cuddle. They are also very practical people and would 100% whizz the hoover around and stock my freezer. PIL are very well meaning but they also have form for promising help that never appears- I can see right now that their idea of ‘help’ will be holding baby and sending me for a nap after I’ve already served them tea and biscuits. They have also held resentments for months before over arrangements that they didn’t like- instead of just saying so! (Sorry example is Christmas- weren’t happy with the plans we offered but said nothing until the new year when it had all been and Gone!) PIL will see their arse and then ring crying asking why we are withholding grandchild from them if we say it’s not a good day. Due to distance they will also be hard - pressed to ‘Bob’ at a good time.

I’m honestly a bit of a mess worrying. DH has my back and says he will tell his parents we are knackered, no visits today etc but I think it’s easy to say now- when I’m a bleeding milky mess it’s going to be harder to field all this.
He is going to try speak to them and do some expectation setting.

His mum gives the impression that she is going to be a super involved grandma like her own mum was- but own mum lived around the corner from her! I think the reality that once things have settled they will only see the baby once a month or so is going to be devastating for them.

I suppose I’m wondering- am I unreasonable?! It’s hard to tell with them what’s normal grandparent excitement and what’s too much.
Any tips from people who’ve had very enthusiastic MILS?

Ok so your husbands solution to his parents seeing the baby as much as they want is for him to drive their once a month, presumably on a weekend. And for them to drive to yours, also presumably on another weekend.

So if you then do the same with your parents, you will spend all your time you are not at work visiting or hosting one or other set of GP.

Is that what you want? When are you going to do housework, the garden, DIY, do your hobbies or see your friends ? You will both be exhausted.

Or do you plan for each of you to do only your own parents and the other to have the weekend off? That way you’d get 4 days off a month each but never see each other. And that will only work when baby isnt being BF and is happy to be away from you ( as the main carer ) for two nights.

Personally I think that’s a disaster of a plan, for your child and your marriage. Your baby will be in childcare all week then spend weekends at one of three different houses with two sets of people.

Your PIL chose to move away. Your MIL chooses not to drive. It’s not your or your husbands job to rescue them from the consequences of their own decisions.

I think you're way overthinking it, just try to enjoy your pregnancy.
Let your husband deal with his demanding parents, and any sulking etc, don't feel pressured into anything.
Anyway when baby comes I'm sure all intentions on all sides will go out the window, it's a bit like a bomb going off in the middle of your life. A good type of bomb! Enjoy!

Your DP sounds like he has his head screwed on, that’s the main thing.

I had to see a therapist to cope with the damage my ILs did and the bottom line I got to was to just do what works for your family unit. Sometimes you’ll see them. Sometimes you won’t. You’re not obligated to do anything that makes you stressed or uncomfortable, especially at a difficult time when you are vulnerable. They should respect that. Things may change down the line but don’t wear yourself out trying to meet someone else’s needs, your family unit comes first.

I get it OP. I dont have a great relationship with my inlaws (their problems) and I worried and planned while pregnant about the visits etc after baby was born even though they live 200 miles away in the end MIl and FIL didnt visit until week 7 because MIL didn't want to leave her cats alone... but SIL did visit twice in the 2 weeks while DH was on paternity leave and honestly I wish I'd said no. I said yes to keep the peace etc but with her various comments, waking me up from naps and other domestic related things that caused us more work, id just rather she hasn't come. but yeah I tried to plan it all out too and it just never really happened how I expected, so I'd have some boundaries rather than a visit plan if that makes sense. eg them calling before a visit, or not waking baby up, that kind of thing. but it all works out OK in the end, but probably not how you expected also I'd just put baby in nursery at 9 months, not worth the hassle of family childcare. my inlaws keep asking to have DS alone, but I dont trust them at all, particularly MIL, so we don't even let them out of eye or ear shot with him, we just keep evading that question when it inevitably comes up. Good luck, it'll all be fine