Worried about being awkward DIL

[Dinodeen]

I’m posting as I’m so wracked with anxiety about this and want to be reasonable!

I am pregnant- first grandchild for both sides. Both sides over the moon.

My MIL has put a lot of pressure on us for years to ‘give’ her a grandchild and FIL also said ‘get on with it’. They have made ‘jokes’ before about giving them the baby half the week. They live 20 miles away and have form for being upset if we don’t see them often enough, call etc.

I’m extremely anxious about how intrusive they will be once baby is here. My BIL made jokes about how my MIL will refuse to leave our house, MIL is talking about getting a car seat for their car and cot for their house, it all feels too much and like plans are being made for my baby without me. Well my MIL said ‘oh I’ve got it all planned out’ about how it will be once baby is here but she’s not shared those plans with DH or I!

I don’t know if this is too prescriptive:

I am envisioning one grandparents visit once baby born, then no one for two weeks whilst DH is on leave. Then grandparents can come visit 1-2 times a week, probably won’t be visiting theirs much as too much effort to lug everything in the car.
Probably wider family visit and have a ‘sip and see’ around the 4-6 week point if I know which way is up again. Then hopefully slip down to seeing grandparents 1 times a fortnight.

Then once baby is 9 months and back in work we will visit in laws probably once a month.
My parents live nearby and have promised a one day a week childcare commitment.
Would take same off PIL but this would mean FIL knocking down a day at work as MIL doesn’t drive. It would also mean 80 miles driving for baby for them to collect baby, go back to theirs, and then bring them back- is this too much for a baby under 1?! We can afford nursery no problem so it’s not really for our benefit as much as bonding with grandparents.

I feel like the problem is if my parents are too much I can tell them to bugger off and they won’t be offended, and they are so close I can basically give them a buzz once baby is settled so they can nip around for a cuddle. They are also very practical people and would 100% whizz the hoover around and stock my freezer. PIL are very well meaning but they also have form for promising help that never appears- I can see right now that their idea of ‘help’ will be holding baby and sending me for a nap after I’ve already served them tea and biscuits. They have also held resentments for months before over arrangements that they didn’t like- instead of just saying so! (Sorry example is Christmas- weren’t happy with the plans we offered but said nothing until the new year when it had all been and Gone!) PIL will see their arse and then ring crying asking why we are withholding grandchild from them if we say it’s not a good day. Due to distance they will also be hard - pressed to ‘Bob’ at a good time.

I’m honestly a bit of a mess worrying. DH has my back and says he will tell his parents we are knackered, no visits today etc but I think it’s easy to say now- when I’m a bleeding milky mess it’s going to be harder to field all this.
He is going to try speak to them and do some expectation setting.

His mum gives the impression that she is going to be a super involved grandma like her own mum was- but own mum lived around the corner from her! I think the reality that once things have settled they will only see the baby once a month or so is going to be devastating for them.

I suppose I’m wondering- am I unreasonable?! It’s hard to tell with them what’s normal grandparent excitement and what’s too much.
Any tips from people who’ve had very enthusiastic MILS?

It sounds like you’re planning because you’re already feeling pressured and no wonder.

I have very overbearing in-laws and they made me feel incredible pressured and stressed. They insisted on coming to the hospital which I didn’t want and stayed for ages even though I was in the post section trying to go for a pee hell and it was stressing but me out them being there, they also wouldn’t fuck off for me to BF which I did NOT want to do in front of the dad (who totally eyeballed me creepily and I NEVER bf anywhere near them after that. Then they wanted to come and help constantly after the birth during our bonding time, wanted me to BF baby then whip her off me, did loads of taking her away into other rooms, around house, zooming off with her way ahead in the buggy when I could barely walk post c section. Really full on about having her overnight etc, always asking when I was going to stop BFing, would literally pass the baby between the two of them rather than back to me, even when she was crying and clearly wanted her mum. Loads of other weirdness and rudeness, they are just awful people really, but it triggered terrible post natal anxiety and I was sick with stress. I really hope you don’t go through any of this.

Boundaries are your friend. I would speak to your DP now about what you are comfortable with and what you want the schedule to be. Explain that you’re already overwhelmed and stressed. Have these set in stone (unless you want to change them) because you are the mum and your mental health is paramount. New mums are very vulnerable to this - my health visitor said it’s very common and a huge source of stress. They may change over time, but initially you will have lot going on in terms of hormones and stress and lack of sleep and it’s a very hard time to have to stick up for yourself, you need DP to Be onboard and present a united front.

No to overnights until you feel comfortable and I would honestly go with childcare personally but if not just get them to babysit at yours on that day rather than do a round trip? Or is it because you’ll both be working from home that day?

They may mean well or they may be totally self centred twats but either way it is your health and your family unit (you, DH and the baby) whose needs matter.

Think you're worrying too much, you can't plan too strict a schedule now.

I'd be grateful for the offers of help from both sets of grandparents!! Not many people are so lucky, so enjoy it!

How does your DH feel about you allowing your parents to look after his child every week but only planning on allowing his parents to see his child once a month?

Your in-laws sound quite similar to mine…

On the “every Sunday” point, we’ve tried to set expectations for that now - we’re not seeing them weekly anymore, and won’t when baby is here.

They’ll hopefully visit us in hospital after baby is born; then we’re going to have a couple of weeks to ourselves to sort feeding and settle and things.

After that; we’ll see how things go.

It’s a little easier for us because we’re not going to use any parental childcare - I think you might hit difficulties if you allow your parents to do childcare and visit lots; and set drastically different boundaries for your in-laws.

I do think setting expectations is a good idea, but I think you need to even them up a bit first. And you can’t, realistically, set visiting schedules yet for when baby is here - as tempting as it is, you just don’t know how you or baby will be.

But I’d really try and consider if you want visitors and how much outside contact you want - rather than setting boundaries for your parents and then for his separately. They will all be grandparents and that much disparity between them is going to cause bad feeling.

@Spied

How does your DH feel about you allowing your parents to look after his child every week but only planning on allowing his parents to see his child once a month?

Yup! Also, A) you seem to have lost the ability to take a joke B) favouritism towards your parents, feel a bit sorry for DH's set C) PFB

I think being clear about once a month is fine, I agreed with DH once every 6 weeks as it's always overnight with my PIL because of distance and more was too much for me. Then you can do extra if you're in the mood but if not the boundary is clear.

It's great DH has your back now but I thought that too and I tell you it's hard for them not to relent after constant 'we don't see DC enough', 'will DC remember us?', 'we hardly see DC' and on and on and on. After a load of this I outright asked FIL how much would be enough and he said 'oh, all the time' in a very matter of fact, not-a-cliche tone. No matter what you do, how much you give, they will never be satisfied.

Be firm, with yourself, DH and PIL. It is YOUR baby. Finding and keeping to the boundaries that are most important to you will make letting other stuff go much easier.

@Spied

How does your DH feel about you allowing your parents to look after his child every week but only planning on allowing his parents to see his child once a month?

Absolutely fine because that’s what what we have agreed together. He says his parents can do a day if they make a practical suggestion of how they are going to do it ie his dad drops a day at work. His mum can’t do a days childcare if he doesn’t as she can’t drive or get public transport to our house.

Why can’t they look after the baby at yours if they want to offer a day? Ok your husband wfh but surely he has a set place to do that and they work round it Then they only have to travel 40 miles

Also you are being a bit unfair if it’s once a month for you dh parents but your parents get to see the baby once a week as they provide childcare. You will just cause resentment, and I wouldn’t blame your in laws

I get that you are worried as your mil seems a bit full on at the moment, and that’s down to your dh to manage. But please don’t start something by saying they can only see their grandchild once a month when your parents see then far more. That’s just mean and nasty

@Chloemol

Because the mil can’t drive and the fil works
Full time.

I would just be non committal until baby arrives and then take it day by day or week by week. You may need more help or you may need more space than you're expecting. You're not obliged to schedule anyone in at any time so try not to worry too much about it.

🚨🚨PFB🚨🚨
PS: wtf is a sip and see??

DH and I have a similar feeling about the first two weeks. I have a friend who is a nanny and she said she's never known parents to regret having time on their own before having family decend. I have an overbearing mother who wants to move in after baby is born and my obstetrician warned me that too much "help" (help that essentially means other people holding your baby) can interfer with feeding cues. I agree with PP that planning up to 9 months is a bit much, but having an idea about the first couple of weeks can only be a good thing in my opinion. I think both knowing where your boundaries are and both being on board with them is important. When baby arrives you will be both be tired with hormones all over the place.

I strongly advise you NOT to spend your maternity leave hosting your in-laws. If you husband wants them to visit, then arrange it on his days off/ evenings / weekends.

Start the way you mean to go on, otherwise you will create a rod for your own back. That way you will never be able to be the awkward DIL - because you always let your husband handle it. Let him say it’s not convenient NOT You.

So if they call and and ask if they can visit , pass the phone to your husband. If they call when he’s out, suggest they call back later when he’s home or text him etc.

Just keep passing it back to him all the time. When they do visit, be charming and courteous but let him host. He can buy the food, cook the meals etc as you will have your hands full with baby.

Dont hesitate to go upstairs to your bedroom to BF or change baby, if that is more comfortable for you.

Don’t think that you need to spend your maternity leave seeing his family as much as yours. It’s YOUR leave for you and baby, it’s not equal opportunities. Of course when he takes his paternity leave, he can do the same - have his friends and family over to see baby as a much as he wants. Then you can have that time to yourself - same as he will do on your maternity leave.

I’d also advise you not to make any decision yet about family childcare. See how good your parents and in laws are at working in a team with you and then decide.

I think the real problem is that your ILs are trying to impose on you their view of what should happen. They aren't asking what you would find helpful or how you want it to be. At least your DH has your back. He needs to tell his parents to back off, see how things go and give you a chance to decide how things will work once the baby is here.

@Onceuponatime1818

I know, but the op is talking about fil dropping a day to accommodate

I have little to add, apart from do not be railroaded by other people. You might find that you don't want your baby to be away from you for several months. Your baby, you get to make the rules.

@Nsky

Best to invite your PIL over at set times, 160 miles is too much in 1 day for a baby. Any possibility they can stay at your parents or nearby

How on earth did you reach 160 miles? It's 40 for the baby to be taken there and brought back again.

[quote Chloemol]@Onceuponatime1818

I know, but the op is talking about fil dropping a day to accommodate[/quote]
He’s not offered to do that- it’s just the only possible way

You’re massively overthinking this with the strict schedule for visitors. Just relax and see what you feel like when the baby arrives. Don’t stress about it now, just focus on your pregnancy.

@HotPenguin

I think the real problem is that your ILs are trying to impose on you their view of what should happen. They aren't asking what you would find helpful or how you want it to be. At least your DH has your back. He needs to tell his parents to back off, see how things go and give you a chance to decide how things will work once the baby is here.

DH and I have had a chat- he has read the thread. He thinks maybe I didn’t make the issues clear in the OP as I’m so overwhelmed with it. The crux of it is that PIL have moved 20 miles away (45 mins in no traffic, who knows at commute time) but still want a very involved relationship. 20 miles would be nothing if they both didn’t work or if they both drove but essentially MIL will be marooned in her village Mon- Fri whilst FIL works- and the emphasis will be on us to bring baby to her and it’s why there’s so much emphasis from them on early overnights. And also why probably weekends may be taken up with visiting them. DH is on same page as he grew up with one set of grandparents around the corner and the others other side of the city- and he feels it’s natural to see the closer ones more. He says he is not agreeing to driving there more than once a month- if they want to see grandchild more often then they can come visit us. I think there is a bit of upset from him really that they made the move whillst expecting us to facilitate the same relationship as they would have had if they were closer. He is going to speak without me about how they envisage things and go from there. He will reach a compromise over the day a week childcare and they can come to ours if his dad can/will reduce his working hours to facilitate this- but he feels his parents need to offer this.

I totally disagree with all the PPs saying you're being mean etc. You know your in-laws, they sound full on, you're anticipating you'll want space once your baby is here. I think it's a really good idea to set your boundaries now, but perhaps don't be so specific as you may change your mind once the baby is here - you may want more visitors/help, you may want less.

It was a total blessing for us to be able to use covid for an excuse to have no visitors in the first few weeks after our LO was born - it was when lockdown was easing last summer, but we said we wanted two clear weeks after getting out of hospital before seeing anyone, and honestly it helped so much. I knew I would want to just hunker down and learn how to be a parent with just my DH, and it meant when our parents did come over we were ready and really looked forward to it.

My friend had her parents staying when her LO was born as she thought she'd want their help, but asked them to go home after a couple of days as it was just too much to have other people in the house.

Some people love to show off their babies, some people just want to hibernate. You know what's best for you and your family. Set boundaries in general terms ("we probably won't want visits in the first few weeks as we're getting to grips with everything") so you can flex as you want to, and for the later things like once you're back at work cross those bridges when you come to them. I agree with you about once a month though - if you do that for each set of grandparents then it's half your weekends used up with family visits. That's plenty IMO! But - you don't have to address it now.

Car seats and cots at grandparents house are actually really useful, but totally get what you're saying as it sounds like your MiL is expecting overnight visits all the time. Let them buy the stuff, it's their money, but it puts you under no obligation for it to be used!

Good luck, and hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well :)

Cross post! Your MiL is wanting to have her cake and eat it, and perhaps regretting their move away now... Glad your DH is fully on board :)

Just see how things pan out when the baby is here.
I was majorly concerned about my inlaws being overbearing towards the baby and all the "plans" they had. In reality it was just them showing their excitement, in time they will find how and where they fit into your life.
For ours they didn't get "their" way so ended up buggering right off and being completely useless as grandparents, which nobody saw coming, I though we would would stuck with awkwardness for years.

Be carefull putting your foot firmly down on the car seat and them wanting to have little one occasionally, not immediately but th help will come in handy and you don't want to burn that bridge unless you must.

Maybe a slower drip feed by both of you over the next few months might help. So if they say ‘oh we can’t wait to have baby overnight’ you reply ‘gosh, I can’t imagine letting baby go for a sleepover for ages’ or ‘DH and I really want to the most of his paternal leave with lots of bonding time- it’s such a short time’ ‘How DO people entertain others when they have a newborn, I’m so lucky that you guys would never do that - Jill’s mum was so demanding of tea and cake all the time’
I have to say though, I did quite like help from the family but you just don’t know how you’ll feel until they arrive.

I think you are mostly being completely reasonable. However, don’t underestimate the importance of someone holding baby so you can nap (or have a bath.) Both my mum and mil were not great for practical help, but would cuddle my babies and let them sleep on them I could wash or sleep. And it was much more rewarding for them than doing my chores!