Growing apart from best friend

[summerhillgang]

Just looking for a bit of advice.

I've been friends with a woman for 20 years since uni. A year ago I moved out of the city and now live in the country. We speak everyday on WhatsApp and share a lot with each other, she's the person I turn to and she is supportive most of the time. We have had our ups and downs as friends, mainly they stem from her behaviours when drunk and frankly how irritating she is in that state. Loud, overbearing, self-righteous, needy. But I try to just accept this is how she is.

I am pregnant with my first child and am engaged. It took a lot to get pregnant, a long journey for me. That included really cutting back on alcohol so I've had a fairly sober few years and feel great for it. Obviously now I am pregnant so am not drinking at all.

I recently had an engagement party and as she is the maid of honour, she agreed to help out. Unfortunately her boyf and her sister (they always come in threes) had to work so she could only come up an hour before the party started. She did help put up some balloons then demanded she get some praise for helping me with that.

During the party she got really drunk and was just very messy, we hardly even spoke apart from to have a go at me because I had said i didn't want visitors straight away when the baby is born.

I mean there was a lot to do so I was distracted by that.

The day after she is hitting the wine in the morning.

Today I am just thinking what am doing making her my maid of honour. There will be a lot to do on the day (I will have a 9 month old) of the wedding and I just feel like I can't rely on her. That if she does help me she will demand praise and tbh that's not me, I say thanks and show appreciation in other ways rather than being a sycophant. And I am just so concerned she will get too drunk to do her speech. And just generally will ruin my wedding day.

I also worry that we don't really have a real relationship anymore. I think obv lockdown has not helped at all as we've all been apart for so long and are naturally more socially anxious / introverted than we were before.

Or am I just worrying over nothing? My engagement party was the first time people saw each other for a long time. It's normal to let loose a bit.

I am thinking as baby is coming in a couple of months of just trying to spend more time with her on a very chilled level, just me and her, her boyf and my fiancée, see if she acts differently.

If you have some thoughts on this would love to hear.

Bump

It doesn’t sound like her being MOH will go smoothly. Do you have someone else who you would like to ask?

Why do they always ‘come as three’? Is that part of the problem?

God
Why on earth would you want her as your maid of honour she could ruin your wedding
Scrap that plan for starters

Tell her she's let you and herself down and you don't think the friendship is working and don't wish to see her again.

Will there be other bridesmaids who pick up the slack if she’s not reliable? Being a maid of honour involves a lot of work, money and organising before and during the wedding.

I mean we've been best friends for 20 years and she's part of my friendship group. It's not really as simple as severing ties. I don't think being an annoying drunk is reason enough.

I do think rescinding the Maid of Honour offer would be very hurtful to her and there's no one else I feel like asking. So I am trying to find ways to set some boundaries for the day and within our friendship.

@thefourgp yes there are three other bridesmaids who can hopefully keep her in check, they are actually all much more grown up, have their own children etc

I have talked about alcohol consumption briefly but am thinking of asking her not to drink until after the speeches. But does feel a bit militant

Tbh I’m not sure how you can set boundaries on her drinking or behaviour on the wedding day, short of having dinrknf throw her out if she goes too far.

• someone

Asking her not to drink will only cause tension between you both and it’s highly unlikely she’ll stick to it - especially if she’s feeling tension between her, you and the other three bridesmaids. She’ll want to drink to relax and enjoy herself.

I know someone who told a bridesmaid they were no longer to be a bridesmaid because they’re not reliable and the bride knew her behaviour would taint the wedding. It pretty much ended the friendship but if she’d gone ahead with having her as a bridesmaid the friendship would still be doomed and she’d have an ex friend in her main party wedding photos forever more. People change and even long lasting/strong friendships end/wain when your lives go in different directions. You have different priorities now.

@Elisandra there's no one else I feel comfortable asking, I mean she's my best friend, we speak everyday. I like her sober, I just want her to look after herself on my big day, have something to eat and not hit the white wine before the ceremony and not be hungover on the day.

Her sister is single and they spend a lot of time together. She never goes anywhere without her boyf. It's not really a problem for me. But I do think they are enabling eg she never drives and lets her sister drive, I think cause she prefers to drink.

I appreciate that’s what you want on your wedding day, I just highly doubt that you’ll get it. Her behaviour at celebrations sounds very engrained. You can ask, and she might aim to comply but... This is who she is. Just not ideal in a MOH, if you want a calmer wedding.

I wouldn't care if I'd been friends since birth or 20-30 years
There's no way I'd let a selfish woman like that spoil my special day and have to "hope" that my other bridesmaids would act as bouncers to keep her sober so as not to only ruin your day but also look like a total twat in front of your friends and family

Why on earth would this ever be acceptable?

Does she need to do a MOH speech? Just say you’re not doing one of those.

Thank you for your thoughts guys. I guess it's hard to come to the realisation that I can't rely on her or trust her. She does really nice things like at the weekend she gave me a gift of stuff for my hospital bag for the birth. So I am quite torn.

It's just so sad that everything bad that happens between us stems from her issues with alcohol. But then she's also quite difficult and needy in other ways. Often creates drama and is poorly organised.

I have told her today that she ruined the party for me because of her behaviour and have said I need a bit of space. I am moving house and about to do my driving test and am 6 months pregnant and planning a wedding, so I could do without it!

X

I don't think you can or should rescind your offer. That would be the end of your friendship. Have you asked her if there is anything wrong and is she sure she wants to do the task? In a nice supportive way. She may be jealous about the baby, afraid, all sorts of stuff. You could also, in a tactful way, say to her that it's important she keeps sober (ish) on the day - so that everything goes to plan. Give her a chance.

Also chatting every day? really - are you 12?!

My cousin's best mate was like this and as MOH threw a complete wobbler the night before the wedding and got very drunk. She then flounced out on the bride. You don't need that sort of stress on your wedding day 👰

@rosabug no I am not planning on rescinding the offer unless she decides she doesn't want to do it anymore but I want to give her a chance as you say. And yes I will defo be putting up some boundaries. It's not just the drunken behaviour, it's the neediness. The tiny little things she does that are good, she needs praise. Like putting up some balloons at the party. She'll remind me about it hours later. It's just annoying! Imagine that scaled up at a wedding where you just expect your friends to come through for you on all the little details.

And yes maybe not speaking every day, but very regularly. Others have commented it's a bit much. I think it's prob been amplified a bit during lockdown.

@halfhope she doesn't really throw wobblers as such - she tends to not eat dinner and just get v drunk, talk about shit very loudly, not listen to people, talk over them, go on off one about certain subjects, be a danger to herself eg falling over / refusing to put extra clothes on if it's cold/wet, be very sexual/overly loving with people including other girls/our friends but sometimes other men/people's boyfriends, lose things, pass out. Obv all this creates drama at events and the next day she acts as if nothing happened. It's weird!

OP my cousin's MOH got very drunk and was coming on to other guests - she was asked to stop by the bride and at that point had a tantrum which no-one saw coming. I hope your MOH doesn't do that to you.

[quote summerhillgang]@rosabug no I am not planning on rescinding the offer unless she decides she doesn't want to do it anymore but I want to give her a chance as you say. And yes I will defo be putting up some boundaries. It's not just the drunken behaviour, it's the neediness. The tiny little things she does that are good, she needs praise. Like putting up some balloons at the party. She'll remind me about it hours later. It's just annoying! Imagine that scaled up at a wedding where you just expect your friends to come through for you on all the little details.

And yes maybe not speaking every day, but very regularly. Others have commented it's a bit much. I think it's prob been amplified a bit during lockdown.

[/quote]
What about arranging tasks for the maid of honour then when or if she fails at those tasks then suggest if she still wants to be the maid of honour ? Which is better , having your wedding pickled, or at least try to avert, a potential abdication of your main of honours duties , due to her being unable to hold her booze, so to speak.

It was also complicated by the fact that the bride and groom were renting a property from the MOH and she threw them out. Very sad - a friendship lost.

If this were my best friend, I'd be worrying about her fairly evident drinking problem and how to persuade her to get some proper help with it, and leaving the Maid of Honour concerns to one side for the moment.

It may be then that she's struggling a bit due to lockdown as well. The previous poster had good suggestions about splitting up the responsibilities.

@HerculesMulligan trust me, I have tried. Unfortunately her boyf is a massive enabler, two piss heads together. Nice enough guy just loves a drink.

@halfhope yes defo struggling with her own stuff and prob also wanted to let loose a bit after the year we have had.

I do think splitting up responsibilities is a good idea. It's a year away so have time to come up with a plan @Hawkins001