Growing apart from best friend

[summerhillgang]

Just looking for a bit of advice.

I've been friends with a woman for 20 years since uni. A year ago I moved out of the city and now live in the country. We speak everyday on WhatsApp and share a lot with each other, she's the person I turn to and she is supportive most of the time. We have had our ups and downs as friends, mainly they stem from her behaviours when drunk and frankly how irritating she is in that state. Loud, overbearing, self-righteous, needy. But I try to just accept this is how she is.

I am pregnant with my first child and am engaged. It took a lot to get pregnant, a long journey for me. That included really cutting back on alcohol so I've had a fairly sober few years and feel great for it. Obviously now I am pregnant so am not drinking at all.

I recently had an engagement party and as she is the maid of honour, she agreed to help out. Unfortunately her boyf and her sister (they always come in threes) had to work so she could only come up an hour before the party started. She did help put up some balloons then demanded she get some praise for helping me with that.

During the party she got really drunk and was just very messy, we hardly even spoke apart from to have a go at me because I had said i didn't want visitors straight away when the baby is born.

I mean there was a lot to do so I was distracted by that.

The day after she is hitting the wine in the morning.

Today I am just thinking what am doing making her my maid of honour. There will be a lot to do on the day (I will have a 9 month old) of the wedding and I just feel like I can't rely on her. That if she does help me she will demand praise and tbh that's not me, I say thanks and show appreciation in other ways rather than being a sycophant. And I am just so concerned she will get too drunk to do her speech. And just generally will ruin my wedding day.

I also worry that we don't really have a real relationship anymore. I think obv lockdown has not helped at all as we've all been apart for so long and are naturally more socially anxious / introverted than we were before.

Or am I just worrying over nothing? My engagement party was the first time people saw each other for a long time. It's normal to let loose a bit.

I am thinking as baby is coming in a couple of months of just trying to spend more time with her on a very chilled level, just me and her, her boyf and my fiancée, see if she acts differently.

If you have some thoughts on this would love to hear.

@halfhope

It was also complicated by the fact that the bride and groom were renting a property from the MOH and she threw them out. Very sad - a friendship lost.

That's so sad 😞 what a terrible conclusion

I know but somehow the bride was able to put it behind her on the day. They were all abroad too and I think MOH just flew home.

Anyway, as you say, there is a year to go so you have time to sort things out. If giving a speech would put her on edge perhaps someone else might give it? She probably means well but is struggling a bit and alcohol may have become more of a crutch. As for you at the moment, concentrate on the move and enjoying your pregnancy. Congratulations on the pregnancy and your upcoming wedding and new home 💐

There’s no reason why there has to be a MOH speech, it would make sense to say you won’t be having one.

Other than that, I’m afraid that there’s no way to avoid her getting drunk on the day, as there will be too much alcohol available. It doesn’t sound as if she’s able or willing to control that.

Thanks @halfhope - that's all good advice and yes better for me to focus on other things right now, thank you x

@LizzieW1969 tbh I saw it as a way for her step up and have a bit of responsibility. But I think it's a mistake.

I have offered to do a speech at her wedding as her sister won't want to do one. So I was looking forward to doing it for her and it being reciprocated.

Oh, a year away? It might resolve itself in the next year, especially if you set boundaries in your friendship in that time. The thing about setting boundaries is that you need to take action if they are breached. Eg you could say to her: I don’t want you to be drunk at my home again, especially as I am not drinking now as pregnant. Then if she gets drunk at your home again, you don’t invite her over again. That is the enforcing of the boundary. But you only get one wedding day, so I don’t see how you can set boundaries, apart from having someone take her out if she gets disruptive.

@Elisandra yes I think it's a good approach set a boundary to say it's unacceptable to be that drunk at my home. I basically went to bed pretty early cause I just was just sitting there cringing at her behaviour and she kept half having a go at me about stuff. I just wanted to have normal chats being stone cold sober.

That's all I can do for now. And maybe revisit after baby is born.

And yes she I guess I could ask her to be removed from the wedding if she is badly behaved but where's the line and I'm always going to the controlling bitch who makes that so

Those are normal boundaries OP. You are not controlling, it's that for whatever reason your friend's not respecting boundaries and is overstepping.

@halfhope thanks i needed to hear that 😊

If you want to remain friends and avoid drama then could you keep her as maid of honour in terms of title, based on your long and lasting friendship, but lower your expectations as to what practical things she will actually do? And maybe ask other more reliable friends and family if they can help with tasks x y and z?

Just thinking you kind of have to play to people's strengths. If she's a long-term friend who you're close too, that's a good basis for having her as maid of honour. However if she is disorganised and a bit of a drinker, she's never going to be good at practical organising of wedding tasks, and that won't change whether she has the title or not!

I think a frank discussion is needed here. Along the lines of "listen, I'm so happy u are my moh,esp as baby is going to be so small and my family will be mingling with other relatives so there is no one I trust more than u with my baby, so would u do me a favour and don't get too drunk in case I need a hand settling the baby at any time.I'll have to do the same also, which was not what I imagined my celebration to be but life has a funny habit of getting in the way."

Hello, I can guarantee you that when you have you baby a lot will change and even when you get married. If she is drinking and acting how she is now you can only imagine what she will be doing at your wedding. I’d cut ties now before you have to look at your wedding photos with her in it haha. I’ve been there, I’ve tried to hold of to friendships that I had outgrown because they was familiar but when you step back you will realise how different you are to what you was 20 years ago. However Congratulations on the wedding and the new baby x

Sounds like you're at different life stages and her drinking is also potentially out of control.

I think you were right to tell her what you said. See what happens over the next few months and try not to stress in the meantime. Sounds like you've got a lot on!!

I agree with the pp who suggested you reduce your expectations of her as MOH and get other people to do stuff. I wouldn’t do anything hasty about the friendship itself- I think you’re right that lockdown etc may have skewed social dynamics a bit, and I wouldn’t discard a friend because they were overbearing when drunk either. Give things a chance but be realistic (and honest with her if possible) about your wedding arrangements.

I don’t even know what the responsibilities of the MOH are. They can’t be that crucial surely? Certainly giving a speech isn’t necessary if that’s an issue. I would set the wedding aside and ask yourself whether she adds value to your life? Would you miss her if she was gone? Just because you’ve known her a long time doesn’t mean you need to remain in each other’s lives forever but I suspect there are characteristics about her that you’d miss… she bought you items for your hospital bag and that’s kind for a start.

Aren't you worried about her? Drinking wine in the morning is scary stuff! I think it's time for you to have the serious chat with her about her drinking and you can use the opportunity to say something like "and infact I'm so concerned about your lack of control with alcohol that I can't risk having you as my MOH. Sorry."

It won't make her stop drinking but you will have done the decent thing and told her of your concern.

Your comment about the balloons makes it sound like she gets on your nerves anyway. Are you sure you actually like her?

Hi OP, I've been 'best friends' with some one I met at primary school and its getting on over 40 years now

When our lives were at different stages our relationship ebbed and flowed but we were always each other go to. However if you are that close you should be able to have a frank conversation with her about how you feel. My friend and I have always been honest with each other and if one of us caused each other offence it was talked through as we genuinely love each other and I class her like a sister.

You have to decide what level is your friendship on. It is worth noting that long standing, good friends are hard to come by. I have lots of fair weather friends and some that are closer but my best friend despite both of our faults is my main go to.

If you are genuinely connected you should be able to say 'xxxxx I'm worried you are going to get too pissed at my wedding' (with out sugar coating it) and see how the conversation goes. You should be able to talk it through.

If she can't be honest with herself and objects then maybe the relationship has changed and you have your way out. Giving you small gifts doesn't excuse toxic behaviour either.

However if she does something for you - thank her there and then. I dont know if ive read it wrong but it seems that you dont actually thank her at the time if she has done something for you (you said you show her in different ways later on) Maybe she prefers acknowledgment straight away - I would. And yes I'd remind my friend if she hasn't thanked me for something I'd done for her as it would bug me. It takes two seconds to say "thank you' and genuinely mean it.

The MOH is the go-to person for bouncing ideas off in run up to wedding (she's been pretty good with that), organises the hen do, attend the bridal fittings and does a speech.

I am going to suggest that one bridesmaid helps her with the hen do (as I know she is v organised) and that the speech is shared between her another bridesmaid, another girl I was at school with @redcarbluecar

The bridal fitting I will prob just go with her as I don't want to be crowded and she is good with stuff like that.

As I said she does have good qualities. It's just everything gets clouded by her drinking habits. A big help would be her just simple eating dinner before she hits the wine. This has been going on for years and years and is only getting worse I think so I need say something. She's pissing her life away literally. I have said stuff in the past but it's time to be frank with her, that this behaviour isn't acceptance when you come over my house and you'll be removed from the wedding if it happens.

I think it's a good idea @douliket to remind her I will have a small baby at the wedding so I am going to need her help. She's very excited about the baby and is good with kids in a mad aunty way, so maybe this will be motivation.

I am conscious of cutting people out generally as you say @Scrambledcustard @Divebar2021 - you just never know when you're going to need someone who loves your bones, as she does. She's also possibly an alcoholic and maybe one day she'll get some help for this. There's other things at play, very sensitive about money and has been trying for a baby for a long time with no joy. So I don't think it would be good to disappear completely although things are obviously going to change a lot when the baby comes, I'll be a mummy doing mummy things and hopefully making a few new friends in the new area i am moving to, rather than partying (not that I've done this for years either lol).

I take your point about saying thank you @Scrambledcustard - but this weekend I was catering for 30 people (with help from fiancée) and putting about 10 people who for the night (including her, her boyf and her sister), I'd been running around like a blue arse fly about 3 days, she turned up 1 hour before the party was going to start (despite saying she'd be there the day before to help with her boyf and sister) and put up a few balloons and was reminding me about it hours later, I am pretty sure I said they look great at the time. I was just exhausted as 6.5 months pregnant and I found it annoying yes @Chicchicchicchiclana and made me think all the stuff that I am going to need bridesmaids to do at the wedding and how much on the spot praise I am going to have to serve up to keep the peace. I'll have a 9 month year old and it concerns me acts like a child in this regard. Beyond that she was just being really drunk and annoying, actually had a go at me for some of the choices I have around parenting like not seeing friends and family for two weeks when the baby is born etc. I can see it's just the alcohol slurring her judgement.

I have told her I need a bit of space and come of WhatsApp so she can't message me there. I have said she ruined my night through her behaviour and that I feel she causes a lot of unnecessary drama that I don't need right now. I just need a bit of peace and quiet right now. In a few weeks I'll address everything properly when the dust has settled. She knows how I feel about her drinking and must feel a bit embarrassed. Maybe we both just need time to think.

Do my t let her do a speech! That should at least minimise the disruption somewhat

Traditionally OP only three people speak at a wedding. Father of the Bride, The Groom and the Best man. So its unnecessary to have a MOH and now a bridesmaid speaking for you.- plus your dad. To be honest id find it a bit odd . Just keep it simple and avoid creating drama for yourself.

I think coming of watsap iso she can't contact you a bit OTT - maybe this relationship has took a turn for the worst. Be careful not to create more drama yourself

@Scrambledcustard I am estranged from my Dad as he was pretty horrible to me and my mum when I was growing up so he won't be at the wedding and hasn't been part of my life for a long time. She is also estranged from her Dad and he did some terrible things as well. So we just thought it would be a nice thing to do for each other and we're not having a traditional wedding. But yes I can easily just take this out and prob no one will notice.

Yes I am trying to limit more drama happening especially around my house move and driving test. I'm just pissed off and need some space.

Ah I see why you are both doing it now. Have space then fix it. Hope your day turns out lovely

@Scrambledcustard thanks for your all your advice 😊