Please help me phrase this text to my mother, i'm heading towards v low contact

[StayCalmX]

The background is that she and my Dad really hurt me growing up but the past is the past, what actually wounded me (recently) in an unbearable way was to hear her gloss over it with irritation, mocking me for not letting it go.

I told her that minimising it and glossing over it hurt me and she has given me the silent treatment, she has cast herself as the martyr. I was manipulated in to forgetting it but as it turned out, I realised I made peace with her too soon because when I saw her and my father so content in their denial of how they hurt me, and worse, feeling like the victims of me graciously forgiving me for my ''immature antics'', I felt so angry and started telling them what they'd done to hurt me and of course they immediately walked off and called me angry, difficult, blah blah blah. Had a text a few weeks ago saying I was cold and cruel.

I need to send a text that conveys that she/they can go to hell telling me I'm cold and cruel, she has chosen not to acknowledge that she hurt me, chosen to draft dad in berate me for ''hurting mum'', she has glossed over 35+ years of scapegoating, stonewalling, evasion, deflection, minimisong my hurt, mocking my hurt! labelling my hurt a ''grudge'' while ordering me to care about her and my father and then telling me from up high on the cross that I am cold hearted and cruel.

Please can you help me mumsnetters? I need to construct a text that spells out that I will not be manipulated anymore. That she had the choice to fix things between us but chose not to.

As few FEW words as possible to maximise the impact and minimise her response.

I'm sure someone will come along with better advice but having been in a very similar situation my advice would be save your breath. I couldn't get my parent to understand or acknowledge my perspective and every contact with them played out in exactly the same it always had: mocking, martying and turning it around to it being my fault for being too sensitive / ungrateful / not good enough / not 'daughter' enough. I've been fully NC for two years and I have never felt better. It's given me space to work on myself without their poison and i can genuinely say i'm happier and lighter.

I am not sure a text is going to help. It sounds like she is quite stuck in her ways, as is your father.

Perhaps it's better to work out a way forward. If you still want some contact, think about how that will look? You sadly need to assume you can't change her behaviour or the way she acts towards the past. Work out what boundaries you need and how you can move this relationship forward, in a new format which works. You can then be in control of pushing things into a pattern which works for you.

For example, I did similar with a sister who was tricky and caused a lot of misery. I had a period where we had space between us and I just withdrew a bit. Over time things healed and no more hurt was caused. I learnt to control what I share with her, what i say yes or no to and how I allow myself to think and talk about her- stopping myself dwelling or being over negative and realising moving on was empowering.

We now see her and her family a few times a year. We focus on the children when around them and have safe topics we know work. We don't push for anything meaningful and don't expect much anymore. Occasionally the only way is to have a little laugh at some of the ridiculousness but mainly I just keep it all at arms length. I recognise there's a tricky past but have done my best to move on and stop bringing it up. I have friends and other family I'm closer to who give me all the emotional support, closeness etc I need, I don't need this from my sister anymore.

I hope you can achieve something similar with your parents.

I need to send a text that conveys that she/they can go to hell

So just say 'go to hell ' then.

You can't 'win' this, you know.

You think you're right, they think they're right. The truth is normally somewhere in between.

You're not going to achieve self-reflection in her or stun her with your words.

They have a narrative about you that you will not shake or change. They're just going to use it as an opportunity for more scapegoating.

If you're kind of wanting to get the last word in, you'll need to go no contact really, not low contact.

Perhaps something like "You have your own narrative about me that I do not recognise and do not accept, and I'm tired of it. Our relationship has broken down to the extent that I no longer want you in my life" and block.

I agree with the other posters - please don't send a text. At best she'll ignore it. At worst she'll use it as 'evidence' against you.

I know it can help to write things down - and there's nothing wrong with that. Write the letter but don't send it.

Honestly I would just quietly withdraw - don't answer calls, texts etc. When the flying monkeys start (and they will), have a standard sentence or 2 that you repeat and repeat. For example - "I've said all I'm going to say. We're in different places now".

I would have to concur with bettybigballs here; any message no matter how carefully worded or short will be seen by them as a personal attack and they will respond in kind. Abusive parents like this like nothing more than a fight and or the last word and your message will provide them with ideal ammunition.

Drop the rope they hold out to you and do not send them any message; silence is powerful. Get therapy to deal with any and all fear, obligation and guilt they instilled in you.

Do consider posting on and or reading the current "Well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages, some of the resources listed at the start of that thread may prove useful to you as well.

@category12 - maybe not the "and I'm tired of it" otherwise I think that's perfect.

Further to DPotter's wise words re the flying monkeys (these are usually well meaning easily manipulated people sent in by the toxic parent to do their bidding for them) they have their own agenda re contact. They are also not interested in hearing your side of things so their opinion should be ignored too.

To be honest anything you say will be twisted and used against you. Is it really worth it?

IME any communication from me about my feelings or my perspective fell on deaf ears.
Why not write everything you feel but don't send it?

I am 'mean and vindictive' apparently. I went NC and let those last words of his hang in the air.

@StayCalmX I could have wrote that myself
I hear all the things you didn't say
I never got the chance to send that text but they know exactly how I feel and somehow I am the black sheep of the family
The final straw was one of them sending me a joke in a text message about Jimmy Saville
Despite knowing my history and my inability even now to live a normal life .. I replied ... that's not really a joke to me , that's my life
Got a half arsed apology but to me it spoke volumes that they care not one jot about me
I've written many messages but never ever send them
They usually say something eloquent like
Thanks for fuck all
Sending you a hug 🤗

This should just about cover it:
"Goodbye".

The best thing you can do is not respond. You may think it will make you feel better to send something setting the record straight but your sense of satisfaction won't last once the message is sent. It's much better to say nothing.

Don’t send anything at all, anything you send will be used against you, so don’t give them any ammunition.

Just drop the rope and don't respond at all. You've said your piece; let them reflect on that.

This is the time for pen and paper, write out what you want to say, all of it. Put it to one side and look at it tomorrow, then burn it. You will change nothing by sending a text. They will never understand or see your point of view.

Low Contact didn't work for me with my parents, as they just tried to get me back where they wanted me. They couldn't move on or treat me any differently. It was hopeless, so I went No Contact.

Op I spent years trying to tell my mum that I hadn’t enjoyed being hit or shouted at as a child and she either denied it or blamed me. There are no magical words that will make someone like that realise what they’ve done wrong and apologise - especially when in my case there is a favoured sibling who had support from the parent and confirms they were a good parent.

If you must send one I felt the statement from a pp would work telling them you are ending the relationship followed by blocking / ignoring them. No good will come of answering back because they will never see your point of view.

Read up on narcissistic parents, see if that fits. Nothing you say will make them understand or you feel better. You are best to just break the cycle of feeling you need to respond or say anything to them, once you do you will feel better and they lose a lot of their power over how you feel. Good luck.

I dont know if my mother is narcissistic but she is very defensive and completely in denial about the way they hurt me.

Thank you for the responses. I will leave it for now.

I do like @category12 's text though because that is the situation.

@tobedtoMNandfart

I am 'mean and vindictive' apparently. I went NC and let those last words of his hang in the air.

Unbelievable isnt it, when they dont listen to you but then fling character attacks at you. :-(

@66babe that is awful :-(

she is very defensive and completely in denial about the way they hurt me.

@StayCalmX My mum's the same. It'd be hard for her to cope if she acknowledged what actually happened. But then she was an 'accomplice' rather than the main one.

As Category12 says, if you want to say a definitive thing you'd probably be best to go NC.

I would get it clear in your own head how much you want to see them and why?

NC is probably best if they're this continuously awful.

I have a very similar issue, OP.
The female author Peg Streep is very good for mother issues.