Please help me phrase this text to my mother, i'm heading towards v low contact

[StayCalmX]

The background is that she and my Dad really hurt me growing up but the past is the past, what actually wounded me (recently) in an unbearable way was to hear her gloss over it with irritation, mocking me for not letting it go.

I told her that minimising it and glossing over it hurt me and she has given me the silent treatment, she has cast herself as the martyr. I was manipulated in to forgetting it but as it turned out, I realised I made peace with her too soon because when I saw her and my father so content in their denial of how they hurt me, and worse, feeling like the victims of me graciously forgiving me for my ''immature antics'', I felt so angry and started telling them what they'd done to hurt me and of course they immediately walked off and called me angry, difficult, blah blah blah. Had a text a few weeks ago saying I was cold and cruel.

I need to send a text that conveys that she/they can go to hell telling me I'm cold and cruel, she has chosen not to acknowledge that she hurt me, chosen to draft dad in berate me for ''hurting mum'', she has glossed over 35+ years of scapegoating, stonewalling, evasion, deflection, minimisong my hurt, mocking my hurt! labelling my hurt a ''grudge'' while ordering me to care about her and my father and then telling me from up high on the cross that I am cold hearted and cruel.

Please can you help me mumsnetters? I need to construct a text that spells out that I will not be manipulated anymore. That she had the choice to fix things between us but chose not to.

As few FEW words as possible to maximise the impact and minimise her response.

One of the joys of VLC or NC is never having to compose a message ever again. Simply ignore. Bliss!

I think it's the perfect opportunity for a 'fuck off to the far end of fuck and fuck off so more 'text...
And block.. Been nc with my dps for (df) 20 years and 9 years for dm.
Greatly recommend it where necessary op.

@DENNYCRANE love the user name.

Lock & load!

Yes, if it werent for my brother I am ready to just say to myself "fuck them", all we ever did was talk about thevweather, the garden or the neigbours. But my brother, I'm sad that he sees everything through their eyes. I've come to terms with no relationship with my parents but i had an ok relationship with my brother. He sees me through their lens which is a very hurtful betrayal. My mother is telling me "i cant cope with this" in a threatening way like she is going to cut me off. I wish she would.

She cannot cope with her daughter pretending 🤔 she is hurt. She cant cope with my "grudge". She has spent over a year up on the cross avoiding any conversation. Her position seems to be "im the victim and you're bad to hurt me".
But i cant make my brother get it either so i guess i have no family (of origin)

@30degreesandmeltinghere did you have siblings? If so, have they ever contacted you with a clearer perspective. If you have no siblings, it',s simplee

Don't do it in a text. So naff, even in the modern era.

Send a letter in the post. Draft something starting with "Mum & Dad, I am writing this letter to set out my feelings about my childhood and how those feelings impact on my life now and our current relationship."

Then write down what you want to say and get MN to put it into good, readable English.

Don't bother OP. You're trying to get them to see it from your side. It won't happen. They either won't or can't. I also wondered if they were narcissistic.

What do they bring to your life? I'm guessing nothing good. Take a huge step back and take your time to decide what you want to do.

There is a chance that if you go total NC with them, your DBro might talk to you and get your perspective and see it from your POV. While it is the way it is it's a feud and he won't get involved. Full NC of over a year and he might turn to listening mode.

@Chicchicchicchiclana no point in sending a letter. @StayCalmX write a letter by all means. Say all the things you want to say and then burn it/delete it

As most PPs have said you cannot make them see your view. They have invested too much in their version.

Start to build up your life without them. It's brutally hard but there are flashes if relief and it gets better and easier with time.

I am 2 years on and although I can still be so sad, I also get massive waves of relief that I no longer have to put up with my father and stepmother's shit.

I had a very tough childhood riddled with abuse and contempt. Was groomed by a former headmaster who lived above us. Mum knew but turned a blind eye due to his grand reputation. When I had my own daughter I confronted my mum. That was a mistake. I am now in my 50s and I still get treated with contempt. But I choose to stay away from her. So much so that I moved 2000 miles away from her. I am much happier although my parents remain in my life. I have had counselling and understanding the behaviour she portrays does help me, but I no longer live under her dictatorship. Needless to say my partners have all had her traits hence me having counselling to stay true to me and untangle myself from my family’s beliefs. It’s a sad process because I love her. As I am sure you love your mum, but our mums will never be the mums we crave them to be. Your mum will never see your side and that’s something she chooses to do.

Silence can be one of the biggest and loudest statements to make

Any text will be met with more abuse towards you. Do you think they'll read the text and apologise, realise their mistakes and try to make it up to you. Or do you think they will take every word you say and turn you into the abuser and them the victim? I'm presuming the latter.

As someone else said, drop the rope

Yes i know you are all right about the pointlessness of it because i already constructed a very clear, non-confrontation but factual timeline of what had happened and why it upset me

It was very clear. But with out any labelling or name-calling
Just "when you said xxxxx i felt yyyyy" and it did no good. It made them angry that i seemed to think i had the right to feelings.

I have to drop the rope.

In a letter i mean. I sent it, and it made the angrier 🙄

I've spent 30 plus years trying to get my mother to explain why her and my father made such obviously poor decisions during my childhood that basically wrecked it. I'm talking about decisions that anyone with a higher IQ than a pot plant would have known in advance that they were very wrong, stupid, etc...

I'm nearly 53, my mother is 80 this year and it's finally getting through to me that it just isn't going to happen. My mother is a narcissist, therefore perfect and everything that happened is my father's fault, not hers...and I should feel sorry for her. She's been a martyr all my life, it got zapped up by 100% after my father left her 30 years ago.

I can understand the anger, there's a barely a day that goes by when I don't feel it. But all I'm doing is torturing myself, and it's such a waste of precious time and energy.

We deserve peace and contentment @noirchatsdeux
We have chatted before (im a frequent name changer)
You have learned the lesson that im still staring at on the blackboard. It's like everbody else has a calculator and i dont!

Silence would be so much more eloquent, though, don't you think @StayCalmX?

As others have said, anything you write and send, in whatever medium, would just be twisted and used to fan the flames to others (those "flying monkeys") like your brother, to your detriment.

You really do need to go NC with anyone who tries to keep you in the narrow box your parents have made for you - and block them on all platforms. It won't be easy, but the situation you are in now isn't easy either. At least with being NC you are likely, eventually, to get some peace and more control in your life. Strength to you OP. 🌹

Oh believe me @StayCalmX it's only very recently that I've stopped trying! And I'm doing it for myself, my mother has upset me enough, everytime I try and get answers from her, I'm just giving her the opportunity to do so again.

It's really bloody hard to stop.

I am VLC with DP, DM died last year and although there is sadness that it couldn't be different I know it was still the best thing for me and my MH

No siblings. Haven't seen my df for over 20 years.. They divorced when I was a year old.
My dgm was my go- to person. Dm went nc with her for apparently favouring her dsis...
I never got involved and saw them both.