Boyfriend caught twice on dating apps, but can't seem to dump him

[Sadgirlsummer]

TW: mention of sexual assault

NC because I'm embarrassed and ashamed at even thinking about staying.

Caught my boyfriend on dating apps right before he was due to leave the UK for 6 months for work. He was the very model of remorse and wanting to move heaven and earth to prove he was worthy of another chance but would fully accept if I ended it. Naively, I believed his crying promises (he doesn't cry) and thought we could move on and he'd uphold the steps we put in place to build back the trust.

Two / three months later, I caught him on there again. I thought we were happy, healing, being honest and open about feelings, making plans for his return, usual rubbish etc. But on Saturday morning my spidey senses tingled and I was compelled to check. He's apologised again and knows I have to leave him. He spun out the same script as before saying his insecurities got the better of him and he used the apps an ego stroke, he's never been any good with girls, was the fat weird kid at school, just needed to feel good about himself with the attention swipes and matches got him. Which is frustrating (blowing my own trumpet here) as he's massively punching way above his weight by being with me. Why couldn't our loving and unconditionally supportive relationship be enough to bolster his confidence. I know I'm a great partner and he wasn't lacking in being adored and cared for, not that it would be excusable if I wasn't doing all those things.

He's the type of man who's extremely clever, always chasing prestigious job titles, academic achievements, and is determined to be on track in bagging that six-figure salary at a Big 5 consulting firm. Unlike a normal secure person, he seems to hide behind the illusion of these 'impressive' things to make himself feel greater than he actually is (which when he's not being a wanker, was pretty great). He also attributes his actions to being crushed by an ex-gf a few years ago with who he thought he'd marry and settle down. She cheated on him for the entirety of their relationship and turned around one day saying she met someone else and didn't want him anymore. Can't get my head to rationalise how he can basically do the same thing to another person.

He's my first relationship after being sexually assaulted twice in my sleep by another (now ex) boyfriend in 2018. I was celibate and cosseted myself away from properly dating for two years before I met my current partner. This relationship also awakened something in me to want marriage and kids in my near future. We were both on the same path to wanting that at a certain point down the line but happy to keep having fun, enjoying our life together. But, I know there's no way back from this. The bucket of love I have for him is overflowing but the trust pot right next to it is bone dry. Everything feels so surreal.

My mum and all my friends are begging me to dump him, I would be screaming at someone in my situation to leave him too, but I can't seem to let go. How do I move forward?

I know he needs serious therapy to break whatever self-destructive cycle he's in and I need to cut contact. It's just too soon in a relationship for things to be this hard. We've only been together 10 months, I've just turned 30, he's 32.

I'm heartbroken.

I can't imagine falling in love and being happy with someone else again and I'm devastated it won't be with him :(

Leave him before he wrecks your life.

If you don't dump him, the problem remains, you'll always be checking on him and finding the same shit a different day.
Have more self worth and find a man that values you enough to not keep looking.

I think it's also the fear of the Unknown, not knowing if you can find love again in the future and holding on to him that you have feelings for, he doesn't love you the way he should so that should not be good enough for you. You will find someone better but not until you let go of him.

Well as soon as he finds someone on the dating app he deems hot who takes an interest in him, he will dump you.
There will be no marriage and kids if you stay with him.

Write that down and look at it. Let it sink in that that is what you would be doing to yourself if you stay with him.
You clearly have a great support network. Leave now before they get sick of you sabotaging your life and leave you to it. Find a counsellor for extra support.
You cannot rescue this man but you can save yourself . I know it’s tough but you only get one life.

I think some people get hooked on these sites as ‘entertainment’ OP- men as well as women— they are often perfectly happy in their relationships but simply love the buzz of the pings, the matches etc— I know a single mum like this— she doesn’t actually Want a relationship, what she likes is the thought that people are attracted to her and she uses it to fill time. Sadly I would leave if I was you— clearly this guy has a bit of a void in his head that even a decent relationship can’t fill

I'm sorry OP, you must be heartbroken. The thing is, you can know all this stuff, know that he needs help, know that he is troubled and needs therapy etc. etc. But you can't make these changes for him. He needs to sort his sh!t out himself.

Whatever his ex girlfriend did is not your fault. It is not your job to fix him. I understand the feeling of 'if only he didn't do x, y, z he would be perfect'. But the reality is that he does these things because he wants to, knowing that they are hurtful and disrespectful to you.

From what you describe of him, this guy will alway always need the ego boost of thinking other women fancy him.

Words are cheap, words are easy...crying and saying sorry.. but actions are what show you whether a person really cares for and respects you. His actions show that he is selfish.

It's easy for us to say walk away. Much harder to take action in real life. But if you do stay, you must stay in the knowledge that he probably wont change, no matter what he cries and promises.

Whether you want to waste your time on that is up to you.

You can't trust him.

What happens when just looking at the photos isn't a big enough ego boost?
Talking to girls? Meeting up with girls?

He's been caught 3 times in a 10 month relationship.

Don't waste any more time on him.

Just re-read the OP and you're only with him 10 months! Ah here, get rid.

Imagine a few years down the line with a few kids in tow, how much harder it would be to leave. If you think he needs the ego boost now, at the beginning of a relationship in the honeymoon phase, do you think he wont turn to this later on, when things get a little tougher, when you've had a few kids and he's not getting all the attention he wants?

This is all him. You can't make him change. Cut your losses and move on.

Be careful, you only have his say-so on how it went with his ex. Based on his actions, it looks more likely that he could of been the one who was being unfaithful throughout their relationship, and be twisting it around as an excuse.
It's not your job to be, oh so understanding, about why his past makes him do things? What matters at this point are what he does, not why he does them. Better to find someone who doesn't have past reasons to excuse behaviour. You are not responsible for his past, don't let him make it your problem.

He’s not going to stop, love

Accept he will always be looking for an easy shag (“ego boost”) and stay if you wish but you will never have peace of mind

Peace of mind is the most precious gift we can give ourselves

He’s a narcissist - what you say about him needing to create an illusion of being better etc. I would run a million miles from him.

Whatever his issues are and the reasons for them you want a partner not a project. You can’t mend him so stop wasting time trying and dump him

The longer you stay with him, the less likely you are to ever get what you want - stable relationship, marriage, kids.

You could waste years on this guy. Years. And if you feel bad now, wait until you wake up 6 / 7 / 8 years down the line, self esteem on the floor, him cheating, you hypervigalent for the cheating.

I speak from experience, sadly. If you leave now you have time to find what you want with someone else.

He will do this time and time again

There will be no happy ending

You will not get marriage and children with this man

He is returning your love and trust with lies and deceit

Write all of the above down, stick it all around your house and read it every time you are tempted to call him or text him. For maximum effect, block his number and delete.

You are worth more than this. You will meet someone better who makes you happier.

Life is hard enough when you are in a happy relationship with someone you trust - don’t make it harder by trying to make silk out of a sows ear or whatever.

Have you read the Chump Lady blog or Baggage Reclaim? I think you’d find them really helpful (if people haven’t mentioned them already).

Once you get past this guy you won’t look back - you’ll meet someone decent and think wtf was I up to, but also you won’t really care.

He's a prime bullshiter. I would say never had any intention to be straight. None.

Don't fall for the tangle he will try and pull you into. You need to put yourself at the centre of your life. This will end in utter disaster for you if you don't SAVE yourself.

I would suggest getting some therapy to help strengthen your sense of self and boundaries.

I'm 60 - I've learned many lessons. No 1 - take the situation at face value. Face it, however painful and act.

How many times do you have to catch him before you dump him?

You sound genuinely lovely and frankly you deserve better.

Thank you all for your lovely words and encouragement.

He's fully accepted I'm ending it. We're talking this evening but it is over. It's not like we're ideal candidates for couples counselling with 10 years rather than months under our belt.

You're right in that he doesn't love me the way he's supposed to and even if he only used the apps to feed his insecurities (although I can't believe anything he's telling me), that's not what I want in a partner.

I asked him last when I found out where does the line get drawn where he won't feel the need to do it anymore? When we move in together? When we get married? When we have kids? This compulsion to seek validation from other women won't go away by saying a few vows, swapping rings, and signing a bit of paper. His response was he'd like to think he'd feel his life would be much steadier when the time came to settle down with a wife and kids, and would feel content and at peace with himself. I said if a healthy, loving, stable and endlessly supportive relationship didn't stop you nothing but professional help will.

I said as your friend, you're going throw away great person after great person, drinking yourself into oblivion to try and fill this self-esteem void / numb the pain and will end up bitterly alone. Or you'll marry a mouse-woman who brushes everything under the carpet and you're both miserable.

This is terrible to say, but I almost wish he had found someone in real life who had a genuine connection with and knew instantly they were 100% compatible and right for each other. That feels like it would be easier (but still painful mind) to swallow than him ruining what could've been amazing for swiping on randoms he'd never see again.

Thanks for the website suggestions, will check them out.

xx

I hope you are able to end things OP, don't be like me.

These type of men never change, they always need an ego boost even when their lives are happy and they have everything.

In our first year of marriage I caught my husband texting other women, all flirty stuff,no plans to meet but overstepping a line.
He cried and threatened to kill himself, denied it and like a twat I brushed it under the carpet but never forgave or forgot.

A few months later he was at it again, this time he admitted the previous chat but denied this one, he cried again, I got angry, he threatened to kill himself, I brushed it under the carpet.

This cycle continued for 17 years, at least 2 or 3 times a year I would find messages to other women, over the years they became emotional affairs but I believe he never met them.
Can you believe that for 17yrs I put up with it?
Each time he promised not to do it again, he had counselling about 10 times over those years for his depression which drove him to it.

Eventually I stopped caring and knew I would leave when our daughter was 18 but when she was 15 I looked at his work phone and realised he was still up to no good and something inside me snapped.
I ended our marriage that night and he was so shocked.
He moved out and he told me that he only did it for an ego boost and would never leave me for any of them - he wanted me to put up and shut up.
I told him he didn't respect me or he wouldn't have done it.

I'm 3 years out and the feeling of not having to worry about what your husband is up to is the greatest feeling, a sense of freedom.

I wish i hadn't married him I wish I'd ended things at the first time instesd of wasting years but I was young and naive.

My ex is 41 and I honestly don't know if he will ever grow up, he's not had a relationship since and in a way I'm pleased as I would hate him to hurt someone else.

I know it's difficult when you're in the middle of it @Sadgirlsummer but you don't need that one final discussion tonight, or any time.

He's feeding off the attention you're giving him, even in these final moments. That's another clue to the kind of person he is. He's not your friend.

No conversation required. It's over, pull the plaster off and block and delete.

I imagine when you broke up with your ex you felt you’d never trust and fall in love again, but you did. And chances are you will again. Getting rid of this guy does leave the future uncertain but staying with him guarantees your future will be miserable because you’re now aware that he’s untrustworthy. That’s not personal to you - he’s just someone who thinks his need for validation is reason enough to sneak around and lie to his girlfriend.

@SortingItOut sorry it happened to you and thank you for sharing what my future could look like. I'm happy for you that you're out.

@BraxtonChic you're right. It's done. I've messaged I don't want any contact once we've sorted out stuff logistics (he's still abroad but his parents don't live far from me so want to arrange to drop everything there). I've removed him from every social platform and deleted all the photos and videos.

@QueenJulian I was a little sad breaking up with that boyfriend. However, the switch had pretty much flipped so I wasn't too upset. The issue was trusting (ha-bloody-ha), emotionally and physically, another man again for a couple of years after.

I've never felt this heartbreak pain for someone who's still alive though.

I'm glad you've made the decision to end it. Just don't get too caught up in trying to figure out all the whys.
He does it because he can, because he wants to. And he won't stop until he wants to either. It is not your job to figure him out, spend your energy on yourself. He doesn't deserve it.

You are quite right OP where do you draw the line— at what point does he think it might stop!!! As another poster said very poignantly , you want a partner, not a project

Trust is everything an he’s betrayed yours

Even in your posts you're giving way top much headspace and airtime to him - his needs, wants, goals, foibles, etc.

What if you were to put all that effort into you, your hopes and dreams? If you had a daughter what would you tell her? Say you kick him to the kerb and block him today, what's the best thing that could happen to you in 6, 12 months? 5 years?

You know what the right answer is but you seem to be holding on to what you had hoped he would be. You already know he's not going to give you what you want. Move him out and create space for all the awesomeness.