TW: mention of sexual assault
NC because I'm embarrassed and ashamed at even thinking about staying.
Caught my boyfriend on dating apps right before he was due to leave the UK for 6 months for work. He was the very model of remorse and wanting to move heaven and earth to prove he was worthy of another chance but would fully accept if I ended it. Naively, I believed his crying promises (he doesn't cry) and thought we could move on and he'd uphold the steps we put in place to build back the trust.
Two / three months later, I caught him on there again. I thought we were happy, healing, being honest and open about feelings, making plans for his return, usual rubbish etc. But on Saturday morning my spidey senses tingled and I was compelled to check. He's apologised again and knows I have to leave him. He spun out the same script as before saying his insecurities got the better of him and he used the apps an ego stroke, he's never been any good with girls, was the fat weird kid at school, just needed to feel good about himself with the attention swipes and matches got him. Which is frustrating (blowing my own trumpet here) as he's massively punching way above his weight by being with me. Why couldn't our loving and unconditionally supportive relationship be enough to bolster his confidence. I know I'm a great partner and he wasn't lacking in being adored and cared for, not that it would be excusable if I wasn't doing all those things.
He's the type of man who's extremely clever, always chasing prestigious job titles, academic achievements, and is determined to be on track in bagging that six-figure salary at a Big 5 consulting firm. Unlike a normal secure person, he seems to hide behind the illusion of these 'impressive' things to make himself feel greater than he actually is (which when he's not being a wanker, was pretty great). He also attributes his actions to being crushed by an ex-gf a few years ago with who he thought he'd marry and settle down. She cheated on him for the entirety of their relationship and turned around one day saying she met someone else and didn't want him anymore. Can't get my head to rationalise how he can basically do the same thing to another person.
He's my first relationship after being sexually assaulted twice in my sleep by another (now ex) boyfriend in 2018. I was celibate and cosseted myself away from properly dating for two years before I met my current partner. This relationship also awakened something in me to want marriage and kids in my near future. We were both on the same path to wanting that at a certain point down the line but happy to keep having fun, enjoying our life together. But, I know there's no way back from this. The bucket of love I have for him is overflowing but the trust pot right next to it is bone dry. Everything feels so surreal.
My mum and all my friends are begging me to dump him, I would be screaming at someone in my situation to leave him too, but I can't seem to let go. How do I move forward?
I know he needs serious therapy to break whatever self-destructive cycle he's in and I need to cut contact. It's just too soon in a relationship for things to be this hard. We've only been together 10 months, I've just turned 30, he's 32.
I'm heartbroken.
I can't imagine falling in love and being happy with someone else again and I'm devastated it won't be with him :(