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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Woke up to partner touching me

49 replies

solde · 21/06/2021 09:01

First post here but could do with some thoughts.

I woke up to my partner touching my chest and himself. I moved his hand but a few minutes later he started touching me again, he only stopped when baby started crying. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was asleep and doesn't remember doing anything. We went back to sleep and he didn't do anything again.

I know he did do it though bur I'm not sure if he was actually asleep or not, if he was asleep i would just ignore it but I'm not 100% sure especially as he stopped when baby started crying.

OP posts:
PassionfruitOrangeGuava · 21/06/2021 09:08

These threads occur weekly on here!

If he says he was asleep and you trust and love him, why wouldn’t you believe him? The baby starting to cry might have jolted him awake or if he remained asleep after the crying started it might have just brought him out of it enough to stop but not woken him fully.

In relationships it’s always come up at some point whether you’re okay with your partner waking you up like that or not, have you never discussed that?

But yeah, honestly you’ll get replies saying ‘you’ve been assaulted’ but for real, this is the man you love and share your life with (barring any backstory), why wouldn’t you believe him?

DH has done it to me before, I’ve done it to him, both fast asleep. It happens to some people. Not a big deal unless you don’t trust him.

MaybeCrazy2 · 21/06/2021 09:29

So I assume by your post you don’t normally touch each other sexually when cuddled up in bed so this was out of character?

If he says he was a sleep then why do you not believe him?

I wouldn’t have a problem with it at all, but if you don’t like it maybe ask him to sleep in a differnt bed?

Ginmonkey84 · 21/06/2021 09:29

^^ what @PassionfruitOrangeGuava said. My husband has done this on more than one occasion, as have I and usually when we are both so tired and have had little intimacy due to lack of sleep from having our baby. I can tell he’s not even with it when it happens. Subconsciously wanting that contact must drive him in his sleep. I trust him implicitly and know he wouldn’t do it consciously without me certainly consenting.

EarthSight · 21/06/2021 09:31

This reply has been deleted

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MaybeCrazy2 · 21/06/2021 09:36

Third thread is already nuts! Hmm

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 21/06/2021 09:41

You say to him today that what happened last night mustn't happen again, you don't like it and don't give consent to be working up like that in the future. His reaction should tell you what you need to know.

Spanglecrabs · 21/06/2021 09:47

amp.theguardian.com/society/2021/jun/15/the-sexual-assault-of-sleeping-women-the-hidden-horrifying-crisis-in-britains-bedrooms

This might explain the frequency of this type of post?

Spanglecrabs · 21/06/2021 09:48

According the the study mentioned in this article the same thing has happened to 51% of women.

Naunet · 21/06/2021 09:53

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Shoxfordian · 21/06/2021 09:54

It doesn’t sound like he was asleep

Don’t minimise this or ignore it

Shoxfordian · 21/06/2021 09:55

I don’t even know what to say about the guardian article, if you can’t feel safe in your own bed then where can you? Awful

Mumoblue · 21/06/2021 09:59

Seriously doubt he was asleep, personally. There does seem to be a concerning trend of men doing things like this.

FTEngineerM · 21/06/2021 10:05

So, have you not had a conversation about enjoying being cuddled in bed or not? Since you have a baby I’m assuming this isn’t your first night together. If not, have one now and keep an eye on it moving forward.

Worriesome · 21/06/2021 10:05

Before this thread gets out of control can we just bring it back to the original situation and help OP.

It depends on what your relationship is like, are you both normally touchy feely in bed or was this you feeling like he was taking advantage of you whilst you were fast asleep and getting his little kicks out of it x

Naunet · 21/06/2021 10:15

@FTEngineerM

So, have you not had a conversation about enjoying being cuddled in bed or not? Since you have a baby I’m assuming this isn’t your first night together. If not, have one now and keep an eye on it moving forward.
Since when was groping someone’s tits, considered cuddling?!
Franklyfrost · 21/06/2021 10:20

Tell him clearly and calmly you don’t like it and not to do it again. I don’t buy he was asleep. He was wrong to assume you’d consent but I wouldn’t be upset by it. If he does it again having been told you don’t like it then it’s a major problem.

Topseyt · 21/06/2021 10:29

I'd say that he wasn't asleep. He knew exactly what he was doing. Therefore I would be telling him that I didn't believe him and that it mustn't happen again.

If you tell him that then his reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

RosieLemonade · 21/06/2021 10:36

I can see this two ways. When I was raped at uni it started like this. However DH can be handsy at night and always says I started it so I do believe he is asleep. This is about how YOU feel OP. So if you feel he overstepped the mark you need to tell him.

LizzieW1969 · 21/06/2021 11:09

**I'd say that he wasn't asleep. He knew exactly what he was doing. Therefore I would be telling him that I didn't believe him and that it mustn't happen again.

If you tell him that then his reaction will tell you everything you need to know.*

That’s the way I see it too. It’s a very convenient excuse after all.

Spanglecrabs · 21/06/2021 11:17

@Worriesome “getting his little kicks” = sexually assaulting his wife.

Worriesome · 21/06/2021 11:55

@Spanglecrabs - I’ll let OP decide that. I don’t know what their relationship is like generally so can’t comment x

Spanglecrabs · 21/06/2021 12:12

@Worriesome I’m not criticising the op’s husband when replying to you.

You described the possibility of a sexual assault as someone getting little kicks!

Either he was asleep or he sexually assaulted her.
It is for her to decide what occurred but not for you to use language which minimises something this serious.

EarthSight · 21/06/2021 12:31

Careful @Naunet . My comment was censored because it was fairly similar to yours, although I did go one step further in mine!

EarthSight · 21/06/2021 12:32

Actually I've just read it to the end and it's very similar to what I said in my post!

BaronessOfTheNorth · 21/06/2021 12:35

It really depends on the circumstances and what your relationship is like.

My husband wakes me up at least once a week like this and if I'm into it I'll go with it and if not I would just grunt and tell him I'm too tired.

I wouldn't question him about it because this is what our relationship is like. I do it to him too.