After a betrayal did you leave? If so how long did it take you to leave?

[Jellybelly882]

I’m interested to hear other people’s stories, good or bad

I was betrayed by my husband 3/4 years ago (he cheated on me and the rest..) and it’s killing me to be with him and I feel I have no option but to leave him

He should have left when you caught him. Pig that he is.

Get yourself a good solicitor and what's owed you via divorce.

Leaving him is a bloody good thing btw. Even if its hard. Its miles better than staying with someone who betrayed you and has just hung about since like a bad smell.

I stayed, husband has worked tirelessly to prove himself to me. I was very careful to know exactly what true remorse looks like, I read extensively into the psychology of affairs, I refuse to accept any blame for his affair and any shame for staying! I’m very happy and very glad I gave a previously wonderful husband and father for several years prior to the affair, a second chance, and he’s proved himself. It’s not everyone’s path, but every time we share wonderful times as a family or couple I’m so glad I did.

I agree he should have left however at that time he was telling me he was suffering with depression etc which was obviously an excuse but I stupidly believed him

@Ladybug123 my friend has done the same, stayed and she’s so glad she has and trusts he won’t do the same again. Do you deep down believe he will never have another affair? I have lost most of the trust in my husband and feel like he would do it again, even after telling me how sorry he is and regrets it

So sorry @Jellybelly882
I think we can all make mistakes and then learn and move on from them
However I'd never be able to trust him again so would did as fast as I could leave and restart my life again
If you feel safe secure and happy in your soul and truly believe he regrets everything then stay and grow together
If not - get out ASAP

I stayed and he was fine for a bit - a year or two then he spiralled downhill with depression and left me. He did however do me the biggest favour ever . I should have left at discovery . He kept on asking to be forgiven but I couldn't . We were not intimate again . It's the lying and the reflecting back on when they lied which did me in .

Whilst he betrayed your trust years ago, you must remember you are free to change your mind at any time.

I stayed, waited for his 2nd affair (which was 2 years later) then ended the marriage. I just wished I had left after the 1st affair - it was just a waste of my time and his.

I've noticed that a lot of people seem to last about two years before they finally give up and realise the trust is beyond repair. You've lasted a bit longer than that. Unless they're thrill seekers or have awful self esteem issues, people don't have affairs unless they are deeply unhappy and a good opportunity presents itself. Unless what they were unhappy about is fixed, it's a liability and they're likely to do it again when another good opportunity comes their way.

One that marriage (or relationship) boundary has been crossed ie they chose to have sex or an emotional affair with another adult I don’t believe you can go back to normal. In a strong safe relationship people don’t go looking for bother adult. They know not to cross that boundary. They don’t put themselves in situations where they could cross the boundary ie late night excessive drinking with a colleague. Once trust has been broken I could never trust them again. They lied once. They have shown they can lie.

I stayed with my now ex. He cheated twice when our DS was young (discovered both affairs in one go). We had counselling, rebuilt, had DD. He said he cheated as he felt pushed out after our son... Our son was sick a lot as a baby and in and out of hospital, my DH worked abroad most of his infant years... So yeah I probably did prioritise our child and trying to hold down my job.
Anyway, when our DD was 2 he had another affair which I discovered when she was 4. Turns out it was him all along - thrill seeker, didn't like family life, found it boring etc.
Anyway, needless to say we're getting divorced and nearly 2 years later I've met the most amazing man and i (and my children) are learning so much about what a happy and respectful relationship looks like. Not going to lie, it was so so hard to finally say we're done and the divorce is still in progress and stressful, but I am at peace and calm, and happy. I remember the days of crying in the shower because I was worried he'd doing it again. I was terrified if I gained weight, was boring, didn't make loads of effort that he'd cheat again.

An affair takes you so far from your moral core that I believe it takes huge work to get back. Depression, addiction, all of these things often sit alongside an affair. It’s NOTHING to do with the marriage or how they feel about you. It’s entirely about themselves and entitlement and selfishness.

I reconciled my marriage because my husband understands all this and has worked so hard to show that he can be the man he wants to be. He talks about the affair and will support me if I’m triggered or hurting. He accepts full responsibility and hates himself for what he put everyone through.

Do I trust him? As much as I would trust anyone now. I do believe that he believes he would never go down this path again.

But tbh I trust myself most of all. I trust myself to walk if I even got the slightest whiff of poor behaviour.

Dark moments happen to most of us, the key to what kind of person you are is how you respond to it all, and how you find yourself again.

Believe you and me I know that most cheaters are too selfish to actually work on their holes but to say that no one deserves a chance is a sweeping generalisation.

Personally Jellybean I’d be focused on two things to enable yourself to feel safe

1. his efforts to show remorse and help you feel safe

2. you working on yourself to feel strong enough to leave if he does this again (this gives you a huge peace of mind)

Please try not to hear the voices from those who tell you you should feel shame for staying etc.

I know what makes me happiest, what makes my family happiest, and that is the most important thing.

Just to add remorse never sits alongside an excuse… I cheated because you did/didn’t do x,y,z is not a remorseful cheater and they’ll probably do it again!

There was definitely a lot of excuses for him doing what he did

I keep thinking I’m ok and il stay until he does it the next time and then il leave. There have been two times that I should have left, and I never.

I feel like I can’t leave because it was so long ago and I should have left at that time.

Family time is also extremely important for me too, however last night when I was needing to cook dinner for myself and kids I found myself ignoring the kids for an hour while I hounded every dating/cam site to try and find a username similar to his that I could link it to.

I’ve also found a Twitter page of a false name he has used in the past with the same 8 numbers of his DOB and our childs DOB, could be a complete coincidence but I don’t feel it is, this is what this has done to me, it’s draining

You are a fair way down the road and if he is still blaming depression for his poor behaviour rather than taking the sole blame for his own damaging life choices and your pain then you are better off out of there.

Doesn't sound like he's exactly filled with remorse and trying to make it up to you.

This is going beyond the affair now. His digression has caused you to act in a way that isn't healthy for you. I would personally get you to take stock and leave. Not everyone can recover from affairs and they have to move on to save themselves. You are one of those who needs to move on and away to be healthy and happy. Some women can stay some cant. No one wins in an affair situation at all. It buggers up everything for everybody. You must choose how you want to live and go and live it.

You are struggling with hyper-vigilance, that’s a nasty side effect of trauma. It sounds as though he’s not doing enough to make you feel safe and you actually have current concerns this Twitter account being one.

This isn’t a case of you reconciling with a remorseful spouse. You may have felt totally different if your husband was putting his all into showing you, he can be a safe partner.

If you’re still choosing to fight for this relationship I’d suggest you both read ‘how to help your spouse heal from your affair’ and ‘not just friends’ both are great books at helping you see you’re not just crazy, or holding onto stuff, the damage his behaviour can still have on you and what he needs to do to make you feel safe.

If you choose to leave then that is absolutely your right. He broke the vows not you, you have a right to walk away whenever you feel like it!

I left 3 months after I found out about the affair. He kept seeing her during those 3 months and made pathetically small attempts to cover it up! He also didn't really show any remorse or think anything should change (eg to limit their contact by him not going out or consider us moving a small distance) other than I "should" trust him. I don't think there's any time limit on when you're allowed to leave. YOu've given him and the relationship every chance to move on and it's OK to say it isn't going to work.

I stayed two years. It was utterly exhausting. By the time I left, it had killed any love I felt for him and it was really easy for me to walk away because I was so looking forward to not caring whether he was talking to anyone else when he nipped to the shop.

keep thinking I’m ok and il stay until he does it the next time and then il leave. There have been two times that I should have left, and I never.
I feel like I can’t leave because it was so long ago and I should have left at that time. You can leave at any time, for any reason, or for no reason at all. If you want to, you can just leave because you’ve had enough of wondering whether he’s still hiding things from you. You’ve tried to get the trust back for a long time and it’s ok to simply not want to try anymore. He doesn’t need to betray you again for you to leave. It’s ok to just say ‘Enough. I don’t want to be married to you anymore’.

I am going to speak to a counsellor I think, just to get my head into a better place than it is at the moment.

I’m grateful for the advice on here but will also be nice to get advice from someone face to face who is a complete stranger

Thanks everyone

I don't think there's any set period and very much depends on the person and how they acted since the betrayal.

I left my ex 3 years after I found out he was cheating. But he never gave me the full story, wanted it all swept under the carpet and after a time he stopped wanting to discuss it. Due to this I couldn't ever really get over it. Eventually something else happened (not cheating) and I used that as an excuse to leave. Best thing I ever did, it was such a sense of relief after I finally left.

I stayed/let him stay. He was remorseful, we went to marriage counselling, said she was a mistake & he was over her. Four months later I found a message on his phone & it was clear they had met up the day before and that he ‘loved’ her.

I kicked him out & it’s been very hard & sad at times but as soon as he left & I didn’t have to be a detective, a weight lifted and healing began.

I kicked him out after 9 months. All the lying and deceit turned me into a paranoid mess and I didn’t want to live like that. If we hadn’t have had children I would have kicked him out immediately but for their sakes I decided to give things a try. By the end I didn’t even want to be in the same room as him so I knew it was game over. We’re divorced now and I have absolutely no regrets.

A year I stayed. Made myself ill and very bitter and twisted. Found out after a year he's deleting messages from same woman again. And boosh he was gone. The little rat.

4 years later my life's great. His is spiralling down the pan.

There are a lot of people who comment and say you should leave right now, why are you with him etc etc so I’m glad in a way I’m hearing how it has taken people time to leave, months/years, but they have managed and they are OK.

One of his other issues was camming which he spent a lot of money on back in 2017. Last March I found an email for a free subscription he had signed up to on pornhub premium. Any normal man who watches porn can click on a lot of websites and watch whatever video they want but the fact that he created an actual account is that hurt, again that’s another reason I should have said bye to him but I never.

4 years . I had 3 tiny kids Then I binned him. Everyone does what works for them. Best of luck op. And anyone that's been in this rubbish position.

@Jellybelly882

There are a lot of people who comment and say you should leave right now, why are you with him etc etc so I’m glad in a way I’m hearing how it has taken people time to leave, months/years, but they have managed and they are OK.

One of his other issues was camming which he spent a lot of money on back in 2017. Last March I found an email for a free subscription he had signed up to on pornhub premium. Any normal man who watches porn can click on a lot of websites and watch whatever video they want but the fact that he created an actual account is that hurt, again that’s another reason I should have said bye to him but I never.

I think in a way that initially many people hope that this is something that they can get over for various reasons but the reality is that they don't but it just takes a while to kick in .