So, late last year I didnt want to dtd with dh for 3 and a bit weeks. He responded by breaking things (then mending them 🤔) and full on passive aggressive silent treatment for days. Something In me just broke, as this wasn’t a one off. All of his previous pa silent treatments suddenly made me realise I wasn’t in a healthy relationship.
The previous silent treatments weren’t due to not dtd, as I dtd regularly to avoid this. I knew if I didn’t, I’d get this pa silent treatment. Other pa silent treatments were usually due to tidiness (or lack of), kids behaviour (or lack of....) or behaviour issues with sen child.
But late last year I really couldn’t hold it together any more to dtd. I went to bed later and later to avoid it and he got so cross that he broke things, and didnt talk to me or the children for days. There was more to it, but I posted under another name at the time and was a bit freaked out by the responses, so I’m leaving that bit out.
This time, something in my brain broke, I just stopped being able to cope with supporting him through his silent treatments any more.
The fact that I’ve minimised all of this for the last decade suddenly came into focus and I realised that my reaction (minimising it, till he calmed down, then just pretending all was back to normal) wasn’t healthy for me or our now teenage children.
I realised all of this late last year and have been taking beta blockers and serotonin ever since, just to cope.
He took down all the wedding photos. He moved into the spare room. He said he was suicidal. He is self harming. He’s. It talking to me at all. But, on the flip side, this last week, he’s been taking ds to school, driving dd to visit her friend, mowing the lawn, tidying the kitchen, loading the dishwasher, cleaning the shower......? Up till a couple of weeks ago, he’s never done any of that at all.. I wonder if his own counselling that he is having has prompted that?
He’s currently wfh all the time. I’ve wfh for over 13 years, building a business around their school hours (tough with a sen child) But he hates wfh. I don’t like him wfh either - he ‘checks in’ on what I’m doing constantly.
We’re not talking, the atmosphere is simply awful. We’re just in the same house for the kids really.
I want out, but I can’t work out how? Our finances, our house, our ‘stuff’ is entertained from over 2 decades of being together.
We’ve got about 500k equity in our home which sounds like a lot but terraced 3 beds in this town are 400k+ I need to stay local as I can’t change ds (sen) school as there is no way I’d get a better one for him. Moving home will be enough upheaval as it is, and will have a big impact on him :(
What do I do? It’s all well and good to give the standard mumsnet response of ‘ltb’ but how on earth does one do that when you’re decades into a marriage, have given up a career to be a sahm so have minimal earning potential, ...and do it with minimal impact on the children?
At the moment I have enough energy to keep me and the kid# afloat.,I don’t have the mental capacity to support dh, or to work out where our marriage should go. My brain will literally turn on for work and for the kids. It won’t support me, let alone dh, any more :(