We’re not even talking - the atmosphere is unbearable :(

[Lasciachiopianga]

So, late last year I didnt want to dtd with dh for 3 and a bit weeks. He responded by breaking things (then mending them 🤔) and full on passive aggressive silent treatment for days. Something In me just broke, as this wasn’t a one off. All of his previous pa silent treatments suddenly made me realise I wasn’t in a healthy relationship.

The previous silent treatments weren’t due to not dtd, as I dtd regularly to avoid this. I knew if I didn’t, I’d get this pa silent treatment. Other pa silent treatments were usually due to tidiness (or lack of), kids behaviour (or lack of....) or behaviour issues with sen child.

But late last year I really couldn’t hold it together any more to dtd. I went to bed later and later to avoid it and he got so cross that he broke things, and didnt talk to me or the children for days. There was more to it, but I posted under another name at the time and was a bit freaked out by the responses, so I’m leaving that bit out.

This time, something in my brain broke, I just stopped being able to cope with supporting him through his silent treatments any more.

The fact that I’ve minimised all of this for the last decade suddenly came into focus and I realised that my reaction (minimising it, till he calmed down, then just pretending all was back to normal) wasn’t healthy for me or our now teenage children.

I realised all of this late last year and have been taking beta blockers and serotonin ever since, just to cope.

He took down all the wedding photos. He moved into the spare room. He said he was suicidal. He is self harming. He’s. It talking to me at all. But, on the flip side, this last week, he’s been taking ds to school, driving dd to visit her friend, mowing the lawn, tidying the kitchen, loading the dishwasher, cleaning the shower......? Up till a couple of weeks ago, he’s never done any of that at all.. I wonder if his own counselling that he is having has prompted that?

He’s currently wfh all the time. I’ve wfh for over 13 years, building a business around their school hours (tough with a sen child) But he hates wfh. I don’t like him wfh either - he ‘checks in’ on what I’m doing constantly.

We’re not talking, the atmosphere is simply awful. We’re just in the same house for the kids really.

I want out, but I can’t work out how? Our finances, our house, our ‘stuff’ is entertained from over 2 decades of being together.

We’ve got about 500k equity in our home which sounds like a lot but terraced 3 beds in this town are 400k+ I need to stay local as I can’t change ds (sen) school as there is no way I’d get a better one for him. Moving home will be enough upheaval as it is, and will have a big impact on him :(

What do I do? It’s all well and good to give the standard mumsnet response of ‘ltb’ but how on earth does one do that when you’re decades into a marriage, have given up a career to be a sahm so have minimal earning potential, ...and do it with minimal impact on the children?

At the moment I have enough energy to keep me and the kid# afloat.,I don’t have the mental capacity to support dh, or to work out where our marriage should go. My brain will literally turn on for work and for the kids. It won’t support me, let alone dh, any more :(

It's sounds like you really don't want to hear the truth that you are being abused but you 100% are and you need to get out. Having a temper tantrum because someone won't have sex with you is basically forcing you to have sex. That is not right.

Couples counsellors are often shockingly unaware of abusive tactics and try to balance both parties. They are not specialists in abuse and can do more harm as they validate the abuser. They start with the assumption both parties are emotionally healthy which isn't the case as silent treatment and breaking things is toxic. Any counsellor hearing about silent treatment should be aware it's abuse 101.

If you need your feelings validated read Why does he do that or The emotionally abusive relationship.

Breaking up a marriage due to intertwined lives feels impossible but I assure you it's possible. Do you know the financial position, such as savings, pensions? There will be a solution even if you can't see it now.

You may think his reaction is due to lack of sex but an abuser reacts, by punishing, due to be told No. I don't believe he didn't know you were not a willing parcipant, that's just his way of denying any responsibility. When you have been abused for so long your feelings stop being validated. It's why you feel confused.

First step is to believe you and your children deserve better and living with your H is more damaging than separating.

He sounds awful
You can't live with someone who uses 'the silent treatment' and breaks things to get what they want. That is abuse.
I would talk to a solicitor and start making plans. Do you have parents/siblings/friends who can help you?

Good luck OP you can do this - and life will be so much better once you are free of his awful behaviour

He’s manipulative and abusive, love. You’re on medication just to cope with this horrible situation. Don’t let on to him, but seek legal
advice about your position especially with the house. It can be done.

Sounds like you’ve already tried everything and you are scared to try leaving.
Be careful as he’s likely to escalate his abusive behavior when he realizes you are done.
Plan it carefully and don’t discuss it with him or the couples counselor.

I reckon couples counseling is a joke for women in most situations. They get talked into accepting abusive and cheating behaviors, etc.
It works in the man’s favor and any information shared by the woman gets used against them.

@romdowa

It's sounds like you really don't want to hear the truth that you are being abused but you 100% are and you need to get out. Having a temper tantrum because someone won't have sex with you is basically forcing you to have sex. That is not right.

Yup.

And theres no need to 'support him' through silent treatment. He is giving you silent treatment to make you feel like shit (not because he feels like shit).

Throwing stuff and breaking it too...he's a nasty bastard. Manipulative and abusive. Sell up, get your share, go and never look back.

Counselling doesn't work where there's coercive control or other abusive behaviours going on and it never ceases to amaze me that Relate etc don't have a way of signposting this to people. Instead you sit through hour after hour of painful sessions and wonder why nothing's changing, because the abuser is getting validated for their behaviour.

This is coercive control. Someone not speaking to you and breaking your stuff because you won't have sex with them is coercive control. It's abusive.

I know it's hard to unpick everything, believe me I do, but until you pull the thread nothing will happen. Continuing 'as is' is damaging you and your children.

Start by seeing a shit hot lawyer. Take it from there. Get individual counselling to give you strength and support. Post on relationships here. You can do this, but you have to do it - it won't solve itself.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of an example did your parents show you?.

You've already tried everything and now you're on beta blockers. What you've tried to date short of leaving him altogether has not worked.

Is this counsellor actually registered with a counselling body?. This person certainly does not recognise abuse and is likely being manipulated also by your current H. Couple’s therapy or counseling is not recommended because the facilitator may not know about the abuse, which would make the entire process ineffective. The abuser may make their partner seem responsible for the problems, and if the therapist does not realize that abuse is present, her or she may believe the abuser.

Abuse is not a relationship problem; abuse is about power and control and this man wants absolute here over you all.

Please cease the couples counselling as its never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Couples often enter couple’s therapy to fix their relationship. Deciding whether or not the relationship is better is extremely hard for a couple if one is being abused. The abuser has all of the power and can no longer gauge if a relationship is getting better because he/she does not see what their partner sees. The abused partner often cannot even rate how bad or good the relationship is because the abuse has affected him/her.

Abuse is not solely physical in nature and you (and in turn your kids) are being coercively controlled by this man. His silent treatment towards you is an example of emotional abuse designed to "punish" you for some transgression by you in his head.

Have you told anyone close to you what is going on? Have you parents who would support you? It might become more manageable to split if you know that other people are behind you.

Good luck. It sounds awful

You are in a tough phase on your journey - you know your relationship is horrible and has to end, but you are struggling to come to terms with the upheaval and financial toll that’s going to take on you. And probably guilt too if you are anything like me. But all his ‘changing’ is actually his prep for a split - he probably wants to be able to say “but I changed/I can look after the children 50/50” when you tell him you are separating so it looks like you are the bad guy. (By the way, you are the good guy here - this is all the result of his years of abuse).

Take a deep breath and imagine the decision has been made and for your survival you have to work out how.

In your ideal world who would the children be with and when? What marital assets are there overall including savings, both your pensions, car values etc? What are your relative incomes? Would you received maintenance and if so how much? Where does that leave you, roughly?

That’s enough of a start for now.

My ex agreed I and DC should stay in house until they finished education, one has SEN. Ex rents a flat. I work but also get extra tax credits / DLA for SEN child and financially manage. I dont claim CM as dont need to and ex isnt a big earner anyway and I keep the benefits. That way he can afford his own housing. He will get his share of the family home equity when I downsize when DC are older. It will be a smaller share than mine as I am main parent and will be a long term carer for one DC. As he isnt on the deeds or mortgage anymore it wouldnt stop him buying if he wanted to. It might not be a nightmare if your DH chooses to put the DC needs first. Courts can order a delayed sale until kids are older - there are pros and cons to do this -but it works in some situations esp where a disabled child and if you would have enough to buy somewhere down the line. The courts would put the needs of the child first.

@Lasciachiopianga

I want out, but I can’t work out how? Our finances, our house, our ‘stuff’ is entertained from over 2 decades of being together.

To start off with you need to be as well informed as possible about what your options are. So, the first step - gather together all relevant info re house, school, earnings etc and go to a lawyer. I think until you actually have realistic idea of how things could work, you are understandably in a total panic that it won't be possible. So find out the facts.

It may be that you and the dcs will be allowed to stay in the house until youngest is 18.

His recent nice behaviour indicates he has taken legal advice.

Start making the plan. Starting quietly investigating doesn't mean you have kicked off the whole process, doesn't mean its unstoppable, so no need to panic. You just need to break this down into bite-sized chunks.

Just take first step

This is really disturbing. Breaking things because you didn’t want to have sex after having 2 kids in quick succession?

Agree with pp that this is, at worst, abusive. He is giving you the silent treatment to essentially make you feel bad and force you into having sex with him.

Even if it weren’t abuse I’d still be inclined to leave him - both myself and my DP have had to go without sex for way longer over the years. Neither have been childish enough to kick up a fuss and go full woe is me.

You deserve better

He is an abuser

But to answer your question, speak to a solicitor, they will tell you everything you need to know about splitting up, how it can work and what to expect. You can often get the first half hour free

OP,

You poor, poor woman.
This is a truly shocking read.

You have allowed him to have sex with your body to prevent him smashing things and emotionally abusing you and the children.

You allowed it to happen because of trying to protect your children and yourself.

Horrific IMO.

He is no better than a rapist.

He is lying he didn't know.
He knew.
He just didn't give a damn.

Please stop trying to make this work.

Please reach out for a recommendation for a solicitor.

Please tell the solicitor of the sexual abuse and coercion that you have endured.

He is a very bad, dangerous man.

Please tell a solicitor the truth so he can fight your corner.

I am so sorry.

It’s so damaging to kids to force them to survive in this toxic environment. I speak from experience. Re-read the replies on your other threads. See a solicitor. Before even more of your kids childhoods are ruined.