What will happen to me next?

[youcancallmemiss]

I'm in the final stages of planning to leave my husband. It's been a long, unhappy marriage. I signed a lease on a new house last week. Nobody knows, not even my close friends. He's currently upstairs sulking and not speaking to me (again) In about one months time I'm taking my belongings and going for good. Financially it's possible but tight.

I must admit I'm scared but I have nothing to loose. What I want to know is what will happen to me next? I'm 55. I want some time to myself for a while to recover but I would eventually like a new relationship, but on my terms. I'd like intimacy and love in my life again, I didn't plan giving up sex at this age but I read so many horror stories about dating and I don't trust men any more. Has anyone found themselves single at this age and what happened to you, good or bad?

I was about 50 when my husband left. It was the best day of my life. I have a new and better life and do not regret it for one minute. I say he left, but I wanted him gone.

I was on my own from 30 to 35 after leaving a marriage. It gave me the opportunity to discover the real me - my tastes in music, clothes, food, you name it. I didn't have to consider anyone else's opinion and it was liberating. I was then ready to think about maybe finding someone and it happened quite quickly.

Best of luck.

I dont want any more men in my life. I'm done.

MustardRose I'm glad things worked out for you. But there's a big difference between the ages of 35 and 55. I don't think my chances of meeting someone new are very high tbh.
Shehasadiamond I can understand this. I'm partly thinking the same way.

You know, we don't need men to make life complete. If you meet someone nice then that's good but if not you will be fine.

In your position I wouldn't rush into a new love affair. Spend time on your own, getting to know how you want to live, what you enjoy doing etc. I wouldn't even look at OLD for a year. But I'd always rather be alone than in a bad relationship.

I'm not at all desperate for a new relationship and don't need a man to feel complete. I've been virtually single for a long time. But love and intimacy would be nice again one day. Just wondering what happened to other women who found themselves single in their 50's/60's.

I have two siblings whose marriages ended in their fifties. Both are in new relationships now. They met new friends and dp through Meet Up groups and walking groups rather than through OLD. Both have more friends now and happier lives I think. It's daunting but things do get better.

I'm 51, single, happy. No way would i make myself unhappy by looking for love, hoping to ''meet somebody''.
It 's not sad. It's just focusing on other things, men never made me happy, never added to my life or made me more creative, or valued, or secure or brave or supported. Just drama and pain.
I plan to enjoy the next 30 years.

Did you buy a house with your husband, OP? Will you remain in a rental? Do you have children together? A job?

You will feel as though you're on holiday. Take some time to make your home your own and don't rush into moving in with anyone else, will you?

Do you have friends and family for support?

Oh and does your husband know his fate?!

I left STBEX almost a year ago. It’s ok. Things get better, and I’ve met someone through OLD and I’m having a lot of fun. No idea if it’ll go anywhere, but just lovely to have someone admire you ,hold your hand and tell you how wonderful you are.
I’m 56 btw…

I’m 50 and have been separated eight years. I’ve had two short term relationships. One with someone unsuitable, one lovely but he ended it after four months. You don’t mention children; mine are pre-teens/teens and need me a lot more right now, so I’m not in a place to seek a relationship.

In eight years, all of my dates have been from online apps. I’ve never once been asked out or approached, and no friends have introduced me to anyone. I’ve no clue how to meet anyone, other than online (of course, social opportunities have been non-existent most of the last 1.5 years.)

I’ve a lot of female friends, and tend to hang out now with my single friends. I don’t get invited to couples gatherings or dinner parties. My sisters are going away together with their husbands next weekend and I haven’t been included (kids.) I have some separated/divorced female friends but hate that we become the first wives club on our nights out, everyone sharing their woes, so I limit that to a couple of times a year.

My dear old mum invites me to stay or to take weekend breaks with her.

I haven’t had sex in 19 months.

I’m so glad to be rid of my ex. No regrets.

I live on the outskirts of a city, so am not isolated. But I find myself quite paralysed and lacking confidence to say book tickets for a play or a concert because I don’t have a go-to buddy.

I get a lot of ‘we must go for a drink!’ from my circle, but I now reply ‘yes! You organise it and I’ll be there!’ but it rarely materialises; people mean well but they have other-halves and I’m not a priority.

I’ve thrown myself into work and have been very busy, but I do find, if the children are at their dad’s, that a few days might pass and l don’t hear from anyone non-work.

I’ve got a qualification in the last year, and set up a small business. I don’t have a lot of emotional support, another adult to look out for me on the day to day. It’d be nice if someone else made me dinner or folded laundry (the kids are good but it’s at my instigation rather then voluntary.)

I don’t really see a change on the horizon. It’s depressing to see men online my age (50s, gone to seed) who appeal to me not in the slightest.

I’ve very few male friends and am very boundaried, as ex had an affair and I don’t feel very at ease with other people’s husbands in case I cause an issue.

It’s been quite a lifestyle change, and I feel my 40s were spent in abeyance. My good post-breakdown relationship gave me great hope. We hit it off immediately and fell quickly into a lovely and loving intimacy. The sex was amazing and liberating. It took a long long time to get over the disbelief when he ended it. With hindsight I could see this lovely man had too many commitment issues from his past, and when my time came, he was off to rebuild his relationship with his young-adult daughters whom he had left years earlier.

Finding myself again has been tricky. My close friends have been extremely supportive, but those without children have different levels of obligation, different priorities, different experiences and wants. It took a good few years to find the optimum way to chime in with them. I have to be careful not to bore my friends with the latest of my family dramas.

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and think it would be a very lucky man who had me in his life. I’m driven, smart, loyal, kind, have good values, look good, highly regarded at work. I do feel under-appreciated, a bit invisible, and my light has gone out a bit. There’s only so much me-time I can enjoy.

I fully support anyone who exits an unhappy marriage to build a new life. Having children definitely puts limits on opportunities. I don’t really see things changing for several more years.

I hope your journey is filled with more opportunities than mine has been so far. My female circle is very strong, and I’m glad they bore with me in the few years it took for me to adjust. A strong network is invaluable; it’s an investment, and you get back what you give. I still feel beleaguered and intense. The part to independence has made me very focussed and somewhat humourless (and I used to be the funny one!)

Take your time, choose your circle, mind yourself, develop your interests, nourish your friends, be prepared to lose a chunk of your network, identify your weak spots, galvanise your strengths, buy a vibrator, take up a new physical activity (hiking/walking for me), create a calendar and fill it. Do it for yourself: don’t wait for others to do it for you

OP congratulations on breaking the cycle of abuse and planning your great exit quietly and safely.

Your life will be YOURS 💕🌸

Have you redirected your mail?

Can you ask to collect it from the sorting office?

Got all your personal papers together?

Does your husband have to know your address?

Thank you OliviaNewtAndJohn that's very honest and helpful. I wish you well.

I left at 53. Much the same as you, I prepared as much as I could, and he sulked and pouted about it in the weeks before I actually drove off .

I rented a basement flat belonging to a work colleague , she lived upstairs so I had someone nearby which felt good, ie I wasn't totally alone. But it was a weird experience at first ! The silence is what I remember most - he always used to have the radio on and our home was always full of sound .

It was great to be free and to finally make my own decisions ! And work was the best thing in my life at that time - the familiarity was like an anchor which kept life on track. My friends and colleagues were totally shocked when I told them - like you I'd not told anyone before I did it . One friend dropped me completely because I'd left her out of the loop - that was a bit awful since we'd been close.

My adult DC were both very supportive - in their own ways ! DS was like " whatever you do is fine with me Mum", but not very helpful in a practical sense. DD was more in tune, very loving and coming over to talk a few times a week.

I found it exhilarating once I'd had a few days to realize that I was actually free to make my own life. You'll be fine, make sure your finances are all sorted ( I talked to the bank and made sure I had the correct documentation and all the right accounts opened ). Make sure everything is in your own name, car, insurances , etc. Nothing should be joint.

I did find a partner again, but I was fortunate since I'd known him before and he contacted my sister, wondering about old friends since he was writing a memoir . So we got talking and after about 9 months we met and have been together ever since. I wouldn't have felt confident about OLD !

I'd recommend some kind of volunteering if you want to meet someone - I volunteer at our local museum and I meet heaps of men. Having a common interest is the way to go - you get chatting and then have coffee, and off you go. Well I don't, ha ha, but you could !

Very best wishes to you - you're on your way ! Happy travels !

@OliviaNewtAndJohn your response really struck a chord with me. I’m 51, been single for just over four years, with two young children (7 and 12). I haven’t had a single relationship/encounter since my ex left me, despite trying on OLD. I’ve had lots of dates but they have all left me cold. I don’t seem to fancy men my age - I think maybe I would if I had grown old with them, as I am still attracted to my ex despite everything. Unfortunately I have to see him regularly because our kids are so young (handovers/birthdays/school stuff etc).

My friends are all busy with their own families and other halves - I no longer get invited to ‘couple’ dinners or their bbqs/weekend activities with other families - I have to invite myself along, or initiate, or host myself, which can be exhausting without a partner and so I bother less and less.

I can meet female friends for dinner or drinks but there are never men in their groups - I crave adult male company but it is hard to find - I don’t cross boundaries with other people’s partners and my male friends don’t seem able to meet without their partners - or it is assumed I now only want to socialise with their female partners. I miss the mixed social groups of my twenties and thirties.

I also have a good job, believe I am attractive and interesting, good company with a lot to offer. But there don’t seem to be many opportunities to share this. My hours are complicated - I work on the Sundays that I don’t have the children - so it is hard to take up a regular activity such as a walking group in order to meet and socialise with other adults. This past year hasn’t helped with that either.

I am not sure what to do except accept my situation and enjoy the positives - good health, a secure job and home, while trying to manage the negatives - a yearning for company and intimacy that I can’t satisfy, a sense that me and my children are on the outside of society (a perception I know, but this is how I feel at weekends).

There is no Gingerbread group near me and I have no time or energy to start one.

My friends regularly tell me ‘you will meet someone when you least expect it’ which I find v irritating. I ask them to introduce me to someone, or to set me up on a blind date, but they don’t know anyone themselves.

It’s tough being in a couples world at our age, especially if you have young children so can’t enjoy so many of the positives of being single (travelling easily, spontaneity, pursuing a fulfilling passion or hobby).

However despite all this, I am ok. The sky has not fallen in. I love my home and my children, and am learning to love myself. There can be a bliss in being alone. Just society makes it hard to reach sometimes

I'm older than you, op and I've been divorced 4 years.
I'd just like to say despite what you read on here sometimes there are plenty of lovely, decent, single men out there of all ages.

I'd say join the dating sites and get chatting and finding out how to spot the lovely ones from those which ones which many have an agenda. You don't have to meet any of them till you're ready.

When I split from my ex, the last thing I wanted was a relationship

I wanted my freedom & my happiness !

I enjoyed time on my own
Spent time with family & friends
Worked, volunteered, hobbies, holidays
I was happy

After a few years I met my current partner

Take your time, there is no rush

I found myself alone again at 62, and I started doing online dating, I figured it wouldn't do any harm to get dressed up, meet new men and have some interesting chats. I'm not sure I would want to live with anyone again but it's mainly been nice to meet people from all walks of life and with lots of different kinds of experience.
I am now seeing a nice man who has also been on his own for a few years. There's nothing wrong with having a companion to share chats and interests with. And now the world is starting to open up again, we are planning some mini breaks and museum visits. I think if you want to meet a companion, OP, then there's no reason for it not to happen. Just be careful to keep your standards high and don't put up with any nonsense. I found that dodgy men revealed their true character pretty swiftly, and I finished any potential relationship straight away a couple of times when anyone said/did something that was 'off'.

I’m 54 and split up with DP around 7 years ago. Have no desire to share my life or home with another man, feel very happy and content with my life and the friendships I am lucky to have

I've been single on and off since my DS's father left when he was a baby. I always felt a typical though. I have very high standards and do not ever want to live with a man again.

I did OLD and met someone at work but nothing stuck.

I have a bf and it is good fun but I know I'll be ok. I've had to be. So will you!

OP I'm older than you and am single having had a similar experience over ten years ago. I'd be interested in having a man friend but I quite like the single life too so what will be will be.

No one here can tell you what will happen to you. As you've seen from the replies so far there are many different experiences.

What concerns me is why you ask this question. Are the answers going to have an effect on your decision? If all of us in a similar position said we were single would you then be staying with your husband? Because you really mustn't think like that. Whatever happens it will be better than living in unhappiness.