Help me understand 'nervous' laughter.

[Thistledew]

Before I blow my top (again) with my mother.

She acknowledges it is a nervous reaction to stress but it really presses my buttons and I'd like to be able to ignore it.

For example, I found 4 yr old DS balanced on top of a stool trying to reach a treat from the cupboard. Not a problem in itself but the shelves are not very stable and I'm worried about him pulling them down. I ask him to tell me what he wants so I can get it but he is trying to show me rather than tell me. Just then, DD aged 14 month, who has an absolute climbing fetish comes in and is determinedly climbing up onto the stool with her brother. I scoop her off the stool and reach up to get the treat for DS. As soon as I let go of DD she is back up on the stool. I can't reach the treats and prevent her climbing at the same time.

I'm sure it did look pretty funny but preventing either child falling off the stool, getting the treat for DS and dealing with the wobbly shelf is proving pretty stressful.

My DMum watches this and sits there laughing. She later says that she doesn't actually find it funny and doesn't know why she laughs. I try my best to stop it feeling like she is laughing at me struggling and struggle not to snap at her to shut up.

Another memorable incident was when DS was potty training and had a poo accident when we were out on a walk. I was trying to deal with a toddler with a shitty bottom, in the middle of a park about 20 mins from any sink or toilet. DS would not stand still and again DM was laughing her head off.

Anyone able to offer insight so I can stop her reaction adding to my stress in such situations?

I sometimes laugh when I’m stuck in an awkward situation, I guess it’s to diffuse the situation/ my Brian doesn’t understand what to do so laughs.

However in the situations you described that wouldn’t have made me have nervous laughter. Instead I would’ve tried to help. Did you ask your mum why she wasn’t helping?!

Unfortunately, she has limited mobility so couldn't do much to help.

Hmm. I have a relative who does something similar, I don't really believe that she isn't laughing at me, IYSWIM.

She's laughing at you for sure. It makes no sense otherwise! My mum does the same and denies it. She's a twat.

At first I thought she didn't really find it funny, it was just an involuntary reaction to danger/shock.

But I can see how that might apply to situation 1, but not to the poo situation. Unless her laughhing at that was a sort of 'you have to laugh or you'd cry' thing (plus I suppose it wouldn'tve been as big a deal to her because she's not the one having to deal with it- if she's the sort of person who thinks that way.)

Has she always been a bit odd/annoying? Or is it a relatively recent thing?

My sisters do this. I believe they don't know how to react to an awkward situation but it is also a huge sign of immaturity.
If I show them I'm upset by it they get worse.

I think it might be 'gaiting' laughter. Not sure about the spelling, but it's a thing, known in counselling.

Some people find it incredibly hard to gauge what the right way to behave is.
I know, I'm one of them.

Is she a bit uptight, generally?

It's an extreme of her other behaviours/attitudes. She likes to see the negative in everything. It's like a natural part of conversation for her to criticise or find fault, even in something she otherwise enjoys. And she laughs at that too, so I don't think it is specifically aimed at me.

"Oh I got cut off when speaking to the electricity company so I haven't been able to sort out the issue with the meter. Haha".

I don’t think it’s ‘nervous’ laughter. I think she’s heard the term somewhere and decided to use it as an excuse.

My DH sometimes has nervous laughter, as does a SIL. It happens during conversation, often small talk with people they don’t know so well, and at a time when they’re not feeling particularly socially confident.

A recent example was my DH bumping into a neighbour and who announced they had just come back from the hairdressers. My DH says “oh yes, I see”, whilst sort of chuckling, iykwim. There was nothing out of the ordinary with the haircut, DH just became a little socially awkward and laughed at the wrong time. That is nervous laughter.

I think your mum just thinks your struggles are funny. Why, I have no idea....

Sorry, forget to add that a PP suggested gaiting laughter. My MIL had this for a while after a stroke. It’s very obviously ‘not normal’ though, as the laughter is borderline hysterical and not about anything remotely funny. Has she been like this all her life?

I would find that sort of laughter belittling. It would make you feel very small. I wonder if she eg was in pain or couldn't do sonething, if you started laughing. I am sure she would be offended. Then you can remind her that she laughs at you. I find that these sorts if people are well able to give it but they can't take it. I do the same to people like this eg smirking. Then when they get offended I say 'you can give it but you can't take it'.

Honestly, in those overwhelming situations my go to reaction is laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of the situation. Kind of a 'if you don't laugh you'll cry' thing... I only laugh when I'm the one who is enduring the hardship though (as in I would only laugh if I were in your position, not at someone else who is living it - unless I can tell they're coping okay and in the same headspace).

It doesn't sound like 'nervous laughter' to me.

I struggle with nervous laughter - it would be in a situation where I feel socially awkward or uncomfortable. Like if I had to do a presentation and I said 'hi, I'm Faranth hahaha' literally almost say ha ha ha. Not 'laughing my head off' as in actual peals of laughter. Did your mum actually laugh like something was really funny? My nervous laughter would sound more like that awkward little short laugh you do when someone tells a joke that's not funny, but you feel obliged to do a little laugh for forms sake.

If she's actually properly laughing, then I'd say she does think it's funny, and you'd be entirely reasonable to tell her to stop laughing and piss off go somewhere else if she's can't control herself.

Gaiting laughter is reasonably common when people are having therapy. Apparently people can tell really traumatic stories, and that can be part of it. Maybe something to do with minimising it? A way of dealing with it when the severity of the situation would be overwhelming?

Oh I got cut off when speaking to the electricity company so I haven't been able to sort out the issue with the meter. Haha

IDK if I would laugh about that but maybe similar aggravating things. If something's irritating I'd sometimes make a joke of it etc- though not always of course, if it's really, really annoying.

It's an extreme of her other behaviours/attitudes. She likes to see the negative in everything

@Thistledew How do you feel about her/in her company?

Is it not just an anxiety thing? Like trying to lighten the moment or downplay the severity of the situation.

I wouldn't say it's nervous laughter but more helpless laughter. When my DP did his back in and couldn't even get to the toilet, he was crawling on the floor almost crying in pain and i started laughing, obviously i wasn't finding it funny that he was in excruciating pain but i couldn't help it!

You saying she has limited mobility so can't help you makes sense

If she laughs about herself,her mistakes,bad things happening to her etc then it's obviously not about you.

From your examples it seems to be in stressful situations when she can't do anything to fix it.

@me4real

Oh I got cut off when speaking to the electricity company so I haven't been able to sort out the issue with the meter. Haha

IDK if I would laugh about that but maybe similar aggravating things. If something's irritating I'd sometimes make a joke of it etc- though not always of course, if it's really, really annoying.

It's an extreme of her other behaviours/attitudes. She likes to see the negative in everything

@Thistledew How do you feel about her/in her company?

I'm quite adept now at shutting down her negativity and she is no longer critical of me in the way she was when I was younger. Maybe this is why it gets to me- when my attention is diverted elsewhere I find it difficult to deflect or diffuse there way she seems to revel in difficulty.

It is sad. I know she loves me dearly and she does try to do her best to help me out. She is also the product of a fractured and somewhat abusive childhood and has battled depression for most of her life so this is a reflection of well-ingrained learnt behaviours, but they are wearing to deal with in large doses.

I think she does quite often feel overwhelmed by difficulties but is intensely proud and stubborn and refuses to admit that she struggles to cope.

Argh! She did it again today. I've been spending quite a few hours making her a solid wood book case, but when I came to assemble it I hadn't allowed quite enough tolerance for less than square walls. This meant I had to slice a bit off the end of each shelf, which proved difficult and I made a few mistakes.

DMum comes into the room

"Oh, it didn't work. Hahaha."

The thing is I know she loves me and is proud of me and hates to see me upset, so why does it not occur to her that this was the last thing I wanted to hear?

I have to say it does sound very bizarre. Sounds like when we would say “nevermind”, she will instead laugh.

Have you seen her do it to others? Or is it just you?

If she does it to others too, I think you’re just going to have to accept it. I can’t imagine she’s going to be able to just stop such an ingrained response.

I have no idea OP. Some people distance themselves from trauma with laughter as a way of coping with it but this isn't trauma. She sounds sadistic, as though she finds you in difficulty and unable to cope, funny. Perhaps she's resentful of you in some way. Maybe you are so capable and calm (you sound very capable) and are doing things she can't so in order to feel better about herself (because she has a disability) she laughs at you.

I agree that this isn't nervous laughter. My sister is a nervous laugher and it comes from anxiety and trying to lessen the tension. She doesn't laugh at people, she kind of laughs when she feels awkward. Some people laugh in shock, it's just a knee jerk reaction. Your mum is laughing at you in certain situations - when you aren't in control of something or are messing something up.

I'd ask her to stop and tell her that you find it unkind. Take it from there.

Doesn’t sound like nervous laughter to me either. It actually sounds like this is her sense of humour.

What happens when you directly address it in the moment? And say ‘I notice you’re laughing mum, what do you find funny about this?’