Help me understand 'nervous' laughter.

[Thistledew]

Before I blow my top (again) with my mother.

She acknowledges it is a nervous reaction to stress but it really presses my buttons and I'd like to be able to ignore it.

For example, I found 4 yr old DS balanced on top of a stool trying to reach a treat from the cupboard. Not a problem in itself but the shelves are not very stable and I'm worried about him pulling them down. I ask him to tell me what he wants so I can get it but he is trying to show me rather than tell me. Just then, DD aged 14 month, who has an absolute climbing fetish comes in and is determinedly climbing up onto the stool with her brother. I scoop her off the stool and reach up to get the treat for DS. As soon as I let go of DD she is back up on the stool. I can't reach the treats and prevent her climbing at the same time.

I'm sure it did look pretty funny but preventing either child falling off the stool, getting the treat for DS and dealing with the wobbly shelf is proving pretty stressful.

My DMum watches this and sits there laughing. She later says that she doesn't actually find it funny and doesn't know why she laughs. I try my best to stop it feeling like she is laughing at me struggling and struggle not to snap at her to shut up.

Another memorable incident was when DS was potty training and had a poo accident when we were out on a walk. I was trying to deal with a toddler with a shitty bottom, in the middle of a park about 20 mins from any sink or toilet. DS would not stand still and again DM was laughing her head off.

Anyone able to offer insight so I can stop her reaction adding to my stress in such situations?

When I've pulled her up on it she says she doesn't find it funny, she isn't laughing at me and it's more of a 'you have to laugh or you would cry' reaction. Today she said that she didn't realise that she had laughed and thought that I was the one who had laughed (I didn't, I was too busy swearing at myself for making mistakes).

It sounds like some kind of odd tic.

I think you are going to have to learn to ignore it, especially if you are happy with the level of respect between the 2 of you in other areas in your relationship.

She might be a bit like me, something unfortunate happens - one half of my brain is thinking how awful, the other thinks OMG, how funny. I might clasp a hand to my mouth in shock but then laugh hysterically. I honestly can't help it - it's like an automatic reaction. I usually find myself apologising and then bending over backwards to help.

I'm sorry, I got distracted by the situation with the stools. You need to remove the stools to a place where they can't access them. Can you put the stools in a closet that is only accessible to you? I had a climber and they can be very resourceful. And fast. You might also see if you can get a baby gate big enough to cordon off a part of your house so you can put the younger child in there sometimes and get some respite from having to chase them down from every stackable object every five minutes for the next two years.

Sounds like she's had a hard time in life and with limited mobility as well now I think she's doing pretty well to find anything to laugh about tbh.

It's not personal clearly so remove yourself from thinking that way and just accept her and her coping strategies with an open heart ?

I'd never heard of 'Gaiting laughter' before and even when I google it I can't find an explanation or description.

It may be something she's developed to cover shame at not being able to do what an able bodied person would do. Better than watching in silence, from her perspective perhaps.

She's going to have to stop though, if you spend much time together, as it's very confusing for your children to do dangerous things and hear laughter. Could she have a rubber band on her wrist and flick it if she laughs when there is a potential safety hazard?

I'm a weird laugher. Strong emotions trigger it. Funerals are the worst. It's mortifying.

Being told off as a kid made me laugh. A really serious emotional conversation will set me off. Any situation where normally someone would cry, I'll laugh. Etc etc. It's absolutely horrible I assure you.

It's like a short circuit. That's the only way I can explain it. Strong emotion causes brain to go pffttzzz and out comes laughter.

It's something you feel like a totally shit person about but it's really not controllable.

If this is what is wrong with your mum then it's not something she can help and she likely absolutely hates it.

She's not being a twat, it can be a release mechanism related to anxiety and helplessness (you say she has restricted mobility), it can also be a symptom of hyperthyroidism.

Has she ever had her thyroid checked?
www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/nervous-laughter

I sometimes give a stupid little giggle in an awkward situation or if I'm not sure of the point I'm making I annoy myself

That's what I see as nervous laughter, not laughing raucously at someone struggling. Is you mother a decent person in other ways?

All 3 situations you've described here would absolutely make me laugh.

But then I've always been a "laugh instead of cry" person.

I remember once telling a group of colleagues/friends a story about the time I accidentally dropped a used tissue on my dad, he smacked me round the head, my head then banged off the kitchen cabinet, resulting in me falling backwards off the kitchen bench. I exclaimed "shit!" - my mum was on a swearing crackdown so I then got a kick in the bum for that!

Then I realised I was the only person laughing and all my colleagues were like 😧

It's absolutely a behaviour born out of surviving abuse, and it's absolutely not a mean spirited "haha that'll learn ya" laugh - it's laughing at the situation itself, and attempting to defuse it or to take the negative emotions out of it.

I’m not sure what it is OP but it does sound very difficult for you.

FWIW, my OH has a tendency to start a kind of inappropriate sniggering thing when I talk to him about something that might be quite serious, or upsetting to me. It’s something I too find very difficult to cope with. He could just keep calm and neutral until he’s heard what I’m actually saying but instead he goes straight into this kind of half-laughter. I then find myself snapping at him for being dismissive and not hearing me out.

I suspect he finds it hard to know how he should react and it’s a kind of defensive mechanism. But it’s tough to cope with and doesn’t feel very adult, iyswim.

@VettiyaIruken

I'm a weird laugher. Strong emotions trigger it. Funerals are the worst. It's mortifying.

Being told off as a kid made me laugh. A really serious emotional conversation will set me off. Any situation where normally someone would cry, I'll laugh. Etc etc. It's absolutely horrible I assure you.

It's like a short circuit. That's the only way I can explain it. Strong emotion causes brain to go pffttzzz and out comes laughter.

It's something you feel like a totally shit person about but it's really not controllable.

If this is what is wrong with your mum then it's not something she can help and she likely absolutely hates it.

I get this. And your explanation really chimes for me - all the strong emotions come out wrong. It is absolutely mortifying, and totally uncontrollable. Like weeping, but the wrong noise. I hate it.

Some of these responses are rather unkind to your mother.
It sounds to me more like a ‘laugh or you’ll cry’ ‘oh, my god could it get any worse’ kind of response.
I also tend to default to laughing in similar circumstances. I tend to use it as an attempt to deflect and diffuse tensions. At no point would I be actually laughing AT the person but AT the situation.

What is this 'laugh instead of cry' ridiculousness. Unless you're in the Sistine chapel and suffering from that documented syndrome, it would be equally as odd and unconstructive to cry in these very ordinary situations

What happens if you ask her for some quiet for a few minutes while you sort the situation out - as it helps you focus? If you manage to phrase it as something that will help you sort out whatever pickle you're in faster and smoother, and you know she doesn't mean anything by the laughing but you'd be so grateful if she could not do it out loud when you ask... That sort of thing?
I'm guessing she's not Mrs Evil and it's just an unfortunate clash where you have so much going on that her laughter just winds you up and you don't quite have the headspace to count to ten and deep breathe+ ignore...?

Ah, if she's unable to move to help then it could well just be a reaction to not knowing what to do. Feeling useless etc

@VettiyaIruken you're not an awful person. I also laugh at funerals, no idea why. We were very sad at my grandads funeral... then I couldn't stop laughing. And my sister couldn't either. We were horrified but were crying with laughter. Poor grandad.

@thatsnotgoingtowork2
It’s a common, hyperbolic saying. It’s not meant in a literal sense.
It’s about taking the stress out of a situation by seeing the humour in it.