Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My ex says he's 'given me a house

34 replies

user1476349587 · 20/06/2021 18:39

My ex and I split up when our son was three. Due to inheritance we were both fortunate enough to be able to own our own house outright. I agreed to have a house mortgage free, rather than claim maintenance off my ex. Around 70 per cent of this was paid for through his inheritance. This is fine but what bothers is me is the language he uses with me now. He regularly says he's 'given' me a house and that he's 'set me up for life.' This language feels wrong to me as to me as this was a financial agreement and is about putting a roof over our son's head. I feel like my ex is trying to make me feel like I owe him something and that this is wrong. What do other people think?

OP posts:
Brakebackcyclebot · 20/06/2021 18:42

Personally I'd just ignore it. You can't make hkm think differently, and you'll only expend energy trying that you could use better on something else!

Treacletoots · 20/06/2021 18:44

You can't change the way others behave, only how you respond to it.

I can see how he might feel that way, but in response you could counter that you're saving him from paying maintenance for his child.

Or, you could just ignore him. Block, block and ignore. Stop caring what he thinks, it's irrelevant now.

Original poster
user1476349587 · 20/06/2021 18:45

Thanks think you are both right to ignore him!

OP posts:
LawnFever · 20/06/2021 18:45

Yeah he’s not given you a house, it’s in lieu of maintenance which he’s obliged to pay and I’d be reminding him of that.

But, if you both owned the house it was half yours anyway so he’s not done you that much of a favour, it was already half yours

altiara · 20/06/2021 18:45

Ignore him! He could have chosen to split the money/house differently.
And if you’re worried about what other people think, then the majority will think he’s holding a grudge and is bitter and ignore him. His friends or family will believe whatever he says whether it’s true or not.

NewlyGranny · 20/06/2021 18:48

How is this sort of talk even reaching you? He's not paying rent on space in your head, is he?

Shut the channels down ruthlessly by whatever means necessary. Where you are communicating over shared parenting and handovers etc, can you restrict it to emails and only respond to respectful, relevant ones? Is there someone you could divert emails to for getting who would use a template reply every time he falls short, so you never even see them?

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 20/06/2021 19:07

I think it's something I would really appreciate but I come from having an ex that paid absolutely nothing for my kids and buggered off.

TillyTopper · 20/06/2021 19:09

You could constantly reply "We made a financial agreement whereby you pay no maintenance" but personally I'd just try and ignore it. there is nothing to be gained from it, because he won't shut up, just move on and ignore as far as possible.

DaisyFeather · 20/06/2021 19:10

Is he mortgage free too?

If that is the case, if I was him I’d just be thrilled neither of us were left precarious after the divorce.

Everyone’s right - ignore him.

Labradooodle · 20/06/2021 19:13

Annoying, he feels like your benefactor but just ignore him.

or tell him you you can accept his distorted thinking.

worktrip · 20/06/2021 19:17

ignore it. Hes the ex so you no longer have to put up with shit.

OneMamaAndHerGirl · 20/06/2021 19:21

Has he actually put it in your name

Blacktothepink · 20/06/2021 19:23

Twat Fil has been saying this to lovely mil even though they’ve been divorced for 35 years 🙄

BarbarianMum · 20/06/2021 19:25

If the house is in your name then the truth is he has given you a house. Lucky you! I'd get used to ignoring his moaning as you are likely to hear a lot more if it (if you move a partner in one day, if you have more children etc etc). Unfortunately he is unlikely to understand that it's reasonable recompense for the day to day care of his child (my father did the same with my step mum and is still going on about it 65 years later! Hes 89 and demented but boy can he hold a grudge).

saraclara · 20/06/2021 19:31

It depends how much the house is worth. When I hear how little maintenance some men pay towards their kids, I can see how half a house could be massively more than they'd pay in maintenance.

The fact that it was paid for by an inheritance has nothing to do with it. If anything, as someone who will hopefully be leaving an inheritance to my daughters, I really hope it won't end up going to their partners instead, as has happened here.

Sn0tnose · 20/06/2021 19:32

I’d ignore anything that doesn’t relate entirely to your child.

You could argue with him, or come up with a cutting reply, but if he’s so deluded that he truly believes he alone has provided you with an entire house and has secured your financial future for you, then you’d be wasting your energy.

ravenmum · 20/06/2021 19:38

If I left money to my son (admittedly unlikely) and it ended up paying for my grandchildren's home, and my son didn't have to worry about paying maintenance, I'd think that was a great outcome tbh.

fedup078 · 20/06/2021 19:41

My stbxh keeps saying 'he's letting me have the house ' errrrm no actually I'm buying him out and he's getting all the equity and then I'm taking the mortgage on myself so I'm paying for the house . Just ignore him

HelenHywater · 20/06/2021 19:42

yeah mine says that too. And also that I've got his retirement fund (the house). I ignore. I'm bringing up his children alone with very little support from him.

Sensateria · 20/06/2021 19:43

If you were feeling petty you could throw right back at him - “you don’t pay a penny towards your child” and start calling him a maintenance dodger.

ravenmum · 20/06/2021 19:43

If it wasn't the house he'd be going on at you about the maintenance OP - saying you didn't need it. Or claiming that the kids don't need a new school uniform or something. This way he just gets to moan about one thing. Easier to ignore in the long run.

NEVERENDINGST0RY · 20/06/2021 19:54

I would just counter with "so it was a gift? in that case i will be chasing you for X years of child money then. You cant have it both ways"

bigbaggyeyes · 20/06/2021 19:58

My ex says shit like this all the time. He gave me the house, he paid the mortgage for 12 years and walked away with nothing. He can't afford to buy, he can only rent, he pays me a wage.

Where in reality, he spent nearly all the equity, i paid for most of the mortgage and his hobbies, I bailed him out of debt 3 times, I paid him half the remaining equity, he pays the money cms monthly now after under paying me for years and he rents a 5 bed house, which is why he can't save for a deposit and wouldn't settle for anything less (I live in a house worth a fraction of the cost of the one he rents)

Just ignore him, there's a good reason he's an ex

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 20/06/2021 20:02

oh FFS just ignore him.

We had assets of £500,000 when I divorced 12 years ago and my ex is still going around saying "I gave her a quarter of a million, I did".

I reply no you didn't! That was my half of the assets. You gave me fuck all!

cptartapp · 20/06/2021 20:05

Unless the house is a mansion, it's still likely to be far less than the cost of rearing and paying for 24/7 'childcare' half of every week from 3-18 years of age would have cost him.