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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Desperately need help please

29 replies

paperbiscuit · 20/06/2021 07:03

I don't know what to do. My life is painful and hard and I have no-one else to turn to.

I hope it's right to post in Relationships as my problems are to do with family, husband etc.

I just want to say that I'm not going to do anything to myself but every day is torture and I'm not getting better. I've referred myself for NHS counselling this morning but tried before and didn't get any help so fingers crossed this time.

I feel there's no point to life. You suffer and struggle and then you die. I can't see the benefits of that.

My family are disgusting and my husband evidently has a condition or mental health issue. He's text book narcissistic (I know that's used widely now) which stems from issues in his childhood but means I'm alone in life and ultimately dealing with an extra selfish insular child.

I have one adult child and am too old to have more and am torturing myself, really painfully torturing myself that because of my issues, I've let my child down by not providing him with an ally and a future support network.

I'm also torturing myself with how hard the past years have been and that my child has been exposed to negativity and things I never wanted him to be.

I'm also physically unwell but could probably deal with that better if the people around me weren't so cruel.

I want to turn back time and have another child and stop all the bad things and atmosphere happening. I got to a point where I just couldn't cope and put on a brave face in the face of my family and husband anymore though. The people who are meant to care for me, broke me. I know I've become obsessional about things too.

Sorry if this is rambling but I need to 'reach out' somewhere, I'm in so much turmoil.
(I phoned Samaritans this morning)

OP posts:
ChristMyArse · 20/06/2021 07:45

Bumping for you OP, hope somebody comes along who can help 💐

RaelImperialAerosolKid · 20/06/2021 07:46

No advice but be kind to yourself.
Make a plan of what you want and is possible- there is always hope.
The last years have been tough.

DinosaurDiana · 20/06/2021 07:49

Do you want to divorce ?
Do you own your house/have equity in it ?
Do you have a job and a personal bank account ?

Timetochange11 · 20/06/2021 07:50

I have suffered from depression in the past, I think you need more help than just counselling. Please call 111, an out of hours gp can prescribe anti depressants if they think you would benefit from them.I

Sorry you're feeling like this op Flowers

Original poster
paperbiscuit · 20/06/2021 07:55

Thank you I can't take antidepressants for health reasons but I do need help.

Also I can't leave him for complicated reasons. Sorry to be vague.

OP posts:
Original poster
paperbiscuit · 20/06/2021 07:57

Where do you turn when there's nowhere to turn? I don't know what to do.

The Samaritans weren't very helpful. I phoned twice. (They have been in the past but not this time)

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 20/06/2021 07:59

Of course it’s fine to post in relationships.
You poor thing, it sounds like you are overwhelmed right now.

I would break down the issues.

  1. Your family. Can you go low contact or no contact? It sounds like this would vastly improve your mental health.
2 your physical health. Is it an ongoing issue or something that is short term. I would focus hard on trying to improve that because it will make everything else easier to deal with. Try and disengage from the unhelpful people around you, don’t share what is going on with your health, follow all doctors instructions 3 your. DH. Can you start getting your ducks in a row? You don’t have to make any decisions or moves right away but little things like working out your finances if you were on your own, putting away an escape fund of cash might help you. 4 your DS. Counselling is a great idea. Everyone wants the world for their kids and everyone feels guilt and wishes they had done things differently. All you can do is focus on trying to have a good relationship moving forward. Do they still live at home? I’d just try to keep the lines of communication open there and chat about stuff that interests you both. There will be time for more meaningful chats when you have resolved some of the other issues. Good luck OP, keep plugging away at making the changes you want in your life, you can get there
Rainbowqueeen · 20/06/2021 08:00

You could try women’s aid for more help.

Original poster
paperbiscuit · 20/06/2021 08:10

I can't come to terms with not having a second child and feel overwhelming painful guilt to my child.

I want to turn the clock back and I can't do that.

OP posts:
vdbfamily · 20/06/2021 08:12

It sounds like you are surrounded by negativity and you need some nice positive things to be happening. Are you independently mobile? Can you get out and about on your own? Do you do anything you enjoy regularly? You cannot change the past at all so it is pointless expending time and energy thinking about that. You are saying you cannot leave your partner so some of that negativity will continue but you need to counter it with positivity. Is there a hobby you could do? Do you have friends? Could you study something of interest to you on Zoom? Could you volunteer to help with something? Do you have any religious belief? You could maybe do Alpha. Make new friends locally. Really the best thing would be to get away from negative influence and think about what you would like to achieve for yourself.

Original poster
paperbiscuit · 20/06/2021 08:17

Thank you vdb. That all helps. Thank you.

I am mobile thankfully. I think I'm probably suffering from intense depression and recently being diagnosed with my illness has made everything so much harder in my head.

I'm obsessional about not having a second child and letting my child down by not giving them the experience of a sibling relationship and a wider support network/blood relatives.

It's very hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
paperbiscuit · 20/06/2021 08:19

I keep thinking that when my husband and I die, he could have no family and it's breaking my heart.

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 20/06/2021 08:23

I’m an only child, my DH has siblings. When I see the stress they cause, particularly with their different ways of treating their elderly parent, I’m glad I don’t have any.
I have 4 kids, two of them don’t speak, and the rest make no effort to contact each other. They are closer to their friends than their siblings.
Get a will written leaving everything to your child. A whole inheritance is better than having to share !

DinosaurDiana · 20/06/2021 08:25

How old is your child ?
Are they likely to get married or have their own family ?
Do they have a career ?
Do they have friends and socialise ?

Original poster
paperbiscuit · 20/06/2021 08:30

Thank you sharing that Dinosaur. My child is early twenties and has friends and a career.

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 20/06/2021 08:41

Then you need to let them make their own life, that’s not your job 💐
And you need to make a life of your own within the life you are living. Make time to do what you want and what makes you happy.
My dog , my job and going for walks makes me happy. As does getting in my bed at night.
Find your happy.

Original poster
paperbiscuit · 20/06/2021 09:02

Thank you. Everyone around us has bigger and extended families. It's hard to know that I didn't provide a bigger network for my child. Really hard.

I know there are no guarantees but life feels so lonely and we are so isolated.

OP posts:
Guavafish · 20/06/2021 09:08

I’m sure your child is happy with his life. What you don’t know you can’t miss. Its not guaranteed sibling will be on friendly times in adult life or after their parents pass away.

Be kind to your self

Orgasmagorical · 20/06/2021 09:20

my husband evidently has a condition or mental health issue. He's text book narcissistic (I know that's used widely now) which stems from issues in his childhood but means I'm alone in life

It doesn't mean you're alone in life, it means you're more than likely being abused as narcissists don't just live their lives and let you get on with yours, they have to try and break you.

My ex has NPD and his abuse left me with physical problems, some of which are improving with the right help. The first thing I had to do was to separate from him, only then could I see (with help from Women's Aid) how abusive he was being. It was my norm, I thought I was strong enough to carry on.

I know you say you can't leave your husband but Women's Aid would still be able to help you, to listen to you Flowers, and to help you build up your confidence a bit. They don't make you leave.

espressomartiniftw · 20/06/2021 09:24

I get the second child thing. I was over 40 when I had DS and didn't manage another. It's entirely my fault too, I didn't try hard enough. Now he's an only child of aging parents.
The only thing I can console myself with is that he has a lot of cousins that he is close to, and hopefully they will provide a support network.

litterbird · 20/06/2021 09:35

Big, big hug here and I totally understand how you feel. I only have one child and raised her as a single parent. I am familiar with your feelings of guilt and fear of leaving your only child behind alone. My daughter is 23 now and is living the fullest life she could ever live. She has a full network of friends, a boyfriend, work, fun and happiness. I couldn't be happier for her and just seeing this has made me feel so much calmer knowing she has people around her to take care of her when both myself and her dad goes. Your son will make his way in life with many people who care for him around him. Please take a breath and realise this obsessional thinking can be turned around by seeing the great life your son is moving forward to, perhaps marriage and a family for himself in years to come. He will be fine....and so will you.

Original poster
paperbiscuit · 20/06/2021 10:03

Thanks litterbird. I can't come to terms with it. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 20/06/2021 10:05

Op, I’m in same position as you, luckily by being an only one I’ve been able to help him out in various ways. You haven’t let them down at all— my H doesn’t speak to his brother, my oldest son doesn’t speak to me because I dared to split with his dad (and that’s 25 years ago) bigger families are no guarantee of big cozy families. If your H is the issue— get saving and make mental plans to move on in the future — build up some interests . You have a big advantage there, it’s a lot easier to do this if you aren’t factoring in kids. Find your happy as someone else said because it sure isn’t what you have at the moment

DotBall · 20/06/2021 11:25

Being an only child is your DS’s reality and he doesn’t know any different and won’t miss what he never had - I have one DS, I’m an only child, my mum was an only child, DH was to all intents and purposes an only child as his brother was 15 years older and moved out when he was 4.

I think only children are sometimes in a great position in that they can have the ‘alone’ moments at the same time as having a network of good friends that they are not beholden to in the same way as siblings might be. Please don’t think you’ve given him a life that is missing something - it sounds like he’s doing well ❤️

me4real · 20/06/2021 11:35

I can't take antidepressants for health reasons

There are loads of different meds they can try, it doesn't even have to be what's ordinarily considered an antidepressants.

Go back to your GP/consultant ASAP and explain to them how you're feeling suicidal etc.

If you see your GP he might refer you to a consultant who can consider a wider range of meds.

Impress on the GP how severe it is and you will probably also get counselling more quickly. A consultant can also consider other therapies which he might be able to send you for more quickly. Help is given partly on the basis of perceived risk, so if you make it clear to them your level of risk of self harm etc they will refer you for one thing or another more quickly.

(I've spent decades in the mental health system so I do know what I'm talking about.)

Best wishes. Flowers