Desperately need help please

[paperbiscuit]

I don't know what to do. My life is painful and hard and I have no-one else to turn to.

I hope it's right to post in Relationships as my problems are to do with family, husband etc.

I just want to say that I'm not going to do anything to myself but every day is torture and I'm not getting better. I've referred myself for NHS counselling this morning but tried before and didn't get any help so fingers crossed this time.

I feel there's no point to life. You suffer and struggle and then you die. I can't see the benefits of that.

My family are disgusting and my husband evidently has a condition or mental health issue. He's text book narcissistic (I know that's used widely now) which stems from issues in his childhood but means I'm alone in life and ultimately dealing with an extra selfish insular child.

I have one adult child and am too old to have more and am torturing myself, really painfully torturing myself that because of my issues, I've let my child down by not providing him with an ally and a future support network.

I'm also torturing myself with how hard the past years have been and that my child has been exposed to negativity and things I never wanted him to be.

I'm also physically unwell but could probably deal with that better if the people around me weren't so cruel.

I want to turn back time and have another child and stop all the bad things and atmosphere happening. I got to a point where I just couldn't cope and put on a brave face in the face of my family and husband anymore though. The people who are meant to care for me, broke me. I know I've become obsessional about things too.

Sorry if this is rambling but I need to 'reach out' somewhere, I'm in so much turmoil.
(I phoned Samaritans this morning)

My neighbour`s husband died last month. He had one nephew who lives far away. She is aged 90 and has no siblings alive, no nieces or nephews and they had no children. She has though this lovely acquired family of friends and neighbours who look out for her and keep her company so she is surrounded and never alone. Try keeping a little diary and write down every night three things that went well that day. It can be very simple things such as tried a new coffee flavour and it was great. went for a walk and saw some gorgeous butterflies. It helps to re-set into a more positive frame of mind. Try walking or some other daily activity to get the positive hormones that come with exercise too. xx

I think it’s easy to look at other families and imagine they are all getting on marvellously and giving each other support. That’s not been my experience as others have said already.
My OH comes from a family of four kids. None of them are close or supportive to one another. There was a lot of jealous and one upmanship. OH hasn’t spoken to his sister for five or six years as he can’t stand her for bullying him as a child.
I do not get on with my sister at all. My other sibling I haven’t seen in over two years despite living 20 miles away. We love each other, but have nothing to say.
Your son sounds functional and happy. He will have good friends and he will also be your sole beneficiary.
It sound like you need to really find a way to leave your husband and find a new and more rewarding life. Your son is an adult. You are not responsible for his happiness.

I think OP from re reading your post that you are projecting your own feelings of loneliness and lack of support into your son. These are your feelings, not his. Can you afford counselling? You sound like you need to get away alone for a while and think things through. Is that a possibility?

Thank you everyone. I'm reading all your comments.