Feeling a bit low about never having had a dad

[Chickpeasorchips]

Most the time I don't think about it, but this year Father's Day seems to be hitting me hard. My dad left when I was a baby and I saw him a handful of times growing up. He went on to have a new family and made it clear he doesn't wish to see me.

I can't imagine what it's like to have a dad. It's like a whole big part of my life is missing if I'm honest. I try not to think about it but sometimes it's hard. Like I have a friend who's dad died last year and I'm doing my best to sympathise but I also find it a bit hard because I've never had the opportunity to even have a dad. Can others relate to this?

I can identify. But I never met my father at all unlike yourself. My mother removed me swiftly from him when I was 2.

I had a step father from age 10. I didn't like him, he was not right for my mother, ever. He made my life a misery and he was an idiot.

So I've gone on through life to hear about some dad's friends had, and not all pleasant stories either. I look at my situation philosophically: no father put pressure on me or tried to control me or criticised or stifled me. I grew up not being dependant on a male figure and can do so much DIY you wouldn't believe.

So I think it's better to not dwell on romanticising an absent parent but being realistic. A bad parent, one who doesn't care, isn't interested, has deep seated problems [drink/violence/drugs/control issues/narcissism etc .etc.] can cause enormous damage to children/teens/adults. Easy for me to say i know and I'm sorry you aren't happy with your situation, I know it's hard. I used to feel like you but found out in later years something about my father which made me feel so relieved he was as far away from me as possible...and the rose tinted glasses fell off swiftly.

I try not to think of good things I've missed, but turn it around and think of what I could have been spared. Hope this helps, sorry if it doesn't.

I can totally relate to this. Mine left when I was 4 ish for another life. I saw him but infrequently and he was always totally distant. I might as well have been a business acquaintance. I choose not to mark Father's Day for him. He's got his second family for that.

The gap left by him is almost a case of I don't know what I don't know. But, I know there is a hole. I truly don't understand when people talk about being 'incredibly close' to their fathers. I cannot imagine this. I've not had that with anyone tbh so I mightn't be the best person to comment.

I can’t relate to this for me but I can for my children, their father is absent and Father’s Day is a very very sore subject, my oldest has autism and loves celebrations of any kind, when she heard it was Father’s Day she was desperate to celebrate it and kept asking why she can’t, I think Father’s Day does make it very difficult. My son lost his toy earlier and said “it’s more lost than my dad” 😕 I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry!

My daughter use to ask me to meet someone so she could “have a dad” it is like something is missing, so it always surprises me when people say their kids are totally fine not having a dad and it doesn’t effect them. Not been my experience!

My "dad" left for a new family when I was about 4. Saw him infrequently, he did everything he could to get out of paying maintenance for me and my 3 brothers. My mum struggled financially for 20 years whilst my dad and his new family lived very very comfortably.

I don't yearn for him though, the main reason is because I think how different the dynamic would have been in my family had he been there. I quite liked it as it was, I wouldn't have wanted a different dynamic.
Plus my mother is an angel so if my mind ever does go to "what if's" I just think of how much he did her over and that's enough for me to think good riddance to bad rubbish.

My grandad died when my dad was 18 months. I've never asked my dad how he feels yet he's been the most amazing dad and he spends that day with his children.

I can't relate and I can't even imagine how painful this is for you. You have every right to be resentful and sad. No one should have to experience this.

Please be careful what you wish for. He made it clear that he didn't want a relationship with you. He was a sperm donor, that's all. My father was the biggest abusive prick you ever laid eyes on. Selfish, violent, compulsive gambler, physical, uncaring. He died 42 years ago thank goodness. I just really don't care. So many fathers are not good role models or parents.

My life would have probably been worse if my father had stuck around. He wasn’t a terrible human, just a terrible parent and like far too many men, never saw fatherhood as a responsibility. I last saw him at my mother’s funeral 12 years ago and he enquired about my daughter, we were in the company of others so I smile and nodded but knowing that would probably be the last time I saw of him.

Everybody’s different but for me, I didn’t miss what I never had. You miss an ideal, the reality probably would never have lived up to it.

I can't relate for me but for my son . His dad has been absent since I was pregnant and chose to raise another man's child than his own . I feel so sorry for my son and I can see it is affecting him . I am more angry with myself for making such a poor choice for my son .

If I could go back, I would choose not to have him to save him from the emotional damage he's suffering because of my poor choice

Mine died when I was very young. The man my mother married a few years later wasn't very nice and never any kind of father to me. I'm almost 50 now and still marvel at all the FD posts on social media from people I know with lovely dads / stepdads they adore, it just feels totally alien to me. Not even that upsetting but it's like I struggle to comprehend what having that would even be like.

I don’t know who my biological dad was. I had a stepdad who was not really close to me and very controlling. My friend had an amazing funny and interested dad but was not close to her mother. When I got divorced I would have loved a strong man totally on my side who would not judge and who I could ask for practical support . I know my dad might be awful but I would have liked to try or at least know who he is .

I get it. My dad died when I was 2, and was rarely mentioned ever again until I got old enough to look for photos and ask questions ( which were rarely answered) I didn't think I'd missed him until I started intensive counselling and worked out my alcoholism and erratic behaviour possibly had something to do with it all!

It's still hard 55 years later but I like to believe he would have been proud of me and a good dad

I didn't know my dad and my step father was awful but I think you have to realise that those who have a lovely, unproblematic relationship with their dad are lucky and it's more common to have some issues between father and daughter. So I don't worry about it that much. A lovely dad would be nice but I am grateful not to have a difficult, complicated person I am in some ways beholden to in my life.

Thank you so much to everyone who's replied on here.It has helped me process it a bit. It's true of course that I'm imagining it would be a good thing to have a dad while a lot of peoples experiences are far from it.

For those whose dcs don't have a dad, what stands out is that you sound like lovely mums, and at least your dcs have that.

People say you can't miss what you didn't have but I do think you can be aware of some kind of gap and occasionally wonder what that might be like. My dad must be getting old now and I wonder if he thinks of me on father's day or on my birthday but maybe he doesn't. Just hard to imagine that as a parent isn't it. Most the time I don't think about it.

Exactly the same here OP, I put a similar thread up earlier. I feel pretty awful today, trying to keep busy but basically there is no father figure who does or has ever cared about me.

I can but not in the way you think. I had a mum and dad but never felt close to either of them. I remember being really shocked when I first saw an adult crying because her parents had died. It had literally never occurred to me that an adult would cry when their parents die. I thought maybe she was odd, but as life went on I realised it is common to be really upset when your parents die. Like you, I try to show sympathy to people grieving but the truth is I have no empathy with it, I just can't understand what that feels like.

I really wish I had had a normal relationship with my parents.
I can't even begin to imagine what difference that would have made to me and the choices I made in life, especially in terms of my (shit) relationship choices.

Sorry I missed your thread Shehasadiamondinthesky I just had a wee look but couldn't find it. I'm trying to stay off social media and agree about keeping busy. That's the trouble with mothers day/fathers day I think, it can be a sad time for many for all sorts of reasons.

That's sad secondspringing

I can't even begin to imagine what difference that would have made to me and the choices I made in life, especially in terms of my (shit) relationship choices.
I can totally relate to this!

Sending to others on this thread. I physically have a father, and he likes the comfort of daughterly stuff now he's in his old age. But he was too messed up to be much of a father to me. He made it clear how much he disliked and resented me. There was a window of opportunity as a young adult when I wanted to proper reconciliation - I tried everything I could think of to get through to him, and talk through what had happened. But that's passed now, and going through the motions is all it will ever be. It hurts less than it used to - but Xmas and Father's Day are always a bit difficult.

So you do have a dad, he’s just not been in your life a lot.
Have you thought about contacting him, just throwing out an olive branch ?

Both my grandads died before I was born, I often wonder what it’s like to have one. But saying that, my FIL turned into such a tosser that my kids haven’t seen him for over 5 years and have no intention of seeing him.

I've been really emotional today, my dad was always in and out of my life he had 6 children scattered across the country and never really saw any of us, but my grandad took over the role and was a father to me, he sadly passed 12 years ago and I miss him terribly moreso than my dad who I now speak to although not very often.

I'm also feeling a bit gutted for my own dc, who's dad is pretty much the same as mine.
He now has another child and my dc have called him twice today and his phone is off, so I'm assuming he won't be seeing our dc who are now sitting here with their cards, faces filled with anxiety wondering where he is.
Honestly my heart hurts for them and everyone who never had both parents in their lives.

So you do have a dad, he’s just not been in your life a lot.
Have you thought about contacting him, just throwing out an olive branch

I did try that DinasourDiana when I had my own dcs. He didnt want to know. He said he's been a good dad to his new family so he's made up for not being around for me in that way Since then, he told me he was moving and then didn't tell me his new address.

Sorry for your dc Nutmegsballgirl that's shitty of their dad

I had absolutely zero contact with my 'father' for my whole life until age 23 (and I mean zero & I'd never seen a photo or knew his name). When I was 23 a found out a few details and decided to trace him. He abused me for just under a year and now thankfully is dead. Lots of people don't have fathers, you are definitely not alone