Feeling a bit low about never having had a dad

[Chickpeasorchips]

Most the time I don't think about it, but this year Father's Day seems to be hitting me hard. My dad left when I was a baby and I saw him a handful of times growing up. He went on to have a new family and made it clear he doesn't wish to see me.

I can't imagine what it's like to have a dad. It's like a whole big part of my life is missing if I'm honest. I try not to think about it but sometimes it's hard. Like I have a friend who's dad died last year and I'm doing my best to sympathise but I also find it a bit hard because I've never had the opportunity to even have a dad. Can others relate to this?

Oh I feel for you. It's terribly sad and wrong. Sometimes the hardest thing is recognising that another person's actions reflect on them only. His failings. His mistake. His lack of character. It's not you. Xxx In fact, you're remarkable and heroic for getting past this. And oh...a few bad choices in men we all do. Once again...it's their failings.

Thanks for your kind words Mountaingoatling really means a lot

I was in the same situation as you, but I had a strong mum who put her heart and soul into raising my brother and I. The older I got and the more I learned about the kind of man my dad was, the more I realised we were better off without him.
Like mine, your dad cast you off for a new shiny family, what kind of a bastard can do that? He doesn't deserve you.

Thinking similar today, OP. Don't know why. Don't even have a photo of him. He died alone a few years ago. It really didn't have to be that way for him. I still wonder what I could have done, but ultimately he was the parent.

I do think the lack of a strong male role/relationship model led to my poor choices in men. My friend once asked me if I was looking for a father figure but only one of them was older than me . The other one just looked older!

Ah OP and everyone else in this sad situation . I'm exactly the same this year. In my case, my father jumped ship when my mother was pregnant.

I think a trauma that happens before you're conscious (or even born) is really deep and hard to process. I'm 38 now and I've only started to be able to feel the grief this year. Until now I thought it hadn't affected me, but now I can see what a hard start I had in life, and all the difficulty it brought me.

Thank you sincerely to all the kind posters, I've never had much understanding about this issue from anyone IRL, and I was crying reading this thread. For some reason, this kind of grief seems to be really disenfranchised by society.

I think you're right AllmadeUp about early trauma. to you and to the posters on here. I agree that society dismisses not having a dad in a way, as if people shouldn't be that upset about it.

I wonder if the pandemic is highlighting the grief of the situation somehow.

For me it's affected my self esteem - I felt lesser than people with a dad, and I think that's maybe what led to bad men, I didn't feel I deserved more.

My biological dad left when I was a baby. He spent his life living it up and travelling the world so I have recently found out. Meanwhile we barely could afford second hand clothes that fitted. We weren't allowed to mention him growing up. I had an abusive step father for a number of years as a child. That wasn't much fun either. It used to just be my normal but the older I get the more the saying 'you can't miss what you have never had' feels so untrue. I have came to realise everything I have missed out on. I have had people telling me the hardest time of their life was when their dad died and I just couldn't relate to it at all. I could walk past my biological dad in the street and I wouldn't even recognise him.

It really is such a privilege for families to have two parents who are kind and respectful. A privilege so many take for granted that they have had. Unfortunately, so many with that privilege also go on to judge those who haven't had the same advantages in life.

My father died when I was 6 and I was then sent away from my mother as she couldn't cope, and I had some pretty awful experinces after that, so I can relate to your sense of loss in relation to not having a father after 6, though I have very happy memories from before then so I am lucky about that.

There probably is something subconscious there as I married someone I thought would be an amazing father but who is in fact a terrible, selfcentred father, who has broken my dc's hearts. I feel guilt but I also know from my experiences that they will get through it, I am doing my best to make sure that they can deal with it and know it isn't their fault, so that they don't subconsciously choose unhealthy relationships.

stupidisasstupidduz You sound like a very caring mum. Don't blame yourself for your ex.

It really is such a privilege for families to have two parents who are kind and respectful
So true.

I've found this thread very helpful and am grateful to everyone who has posted. Was thinking how one of the things about this kind of loss is that it's never acknowledged, at the time and then for the rest of your life. It can feel like people don't see it as a loss because you never had a dad. There's never a time to grieve for it and acknowledge the loss.

I totally agree OP. People don’t understand why it should matter if you have a good life . It’s like a missing piece of the jigsaw. I think my father would be dead now but just to know something about him would help. My brother had a different dad and always said he wasn’t bothered about finding out. When he retired he changed his mind and through DNA testing and the little bit of information we had he found out who his dad was. He was deceased but there were half siblings who didn’t want to meet but sent photos. The change in my brother was amazing . He had never got over the stigma of being called a bastard at school but finding out his father had been a successful and respected man changed him.

Your poor brother sandgrown being called names You're right about that missing piece - I'd like to know about my paternal side of the family as well. I hope you get to find out something if you are seeking information about your own dad. For me I've got to just put it behind me and accept I'll never know a lot of things.

I don’t have a dad. And it’s only now in my thirties I realise what a huge negative impact this has had on my life. Growing up my mother refused to speak to me about him. We’ve never had a conversation about it. Basically he got her pregnant at 16 and that was it. I only know his name from my birth certificate.

At school I was so ashamed. No one seems to get that there is a HUGE difference between being the child of divorced or unmarried parents and just not having a dad. I had friends whose parents split up but they still had a dad. Even if your dad was dead you still had a dad if you’d met him/grown up with him.
Even now as an adult I dread people asking about my dad, what his job is etc etc I now just say he’s dead.
I’m furious that my mother didn’t at least prepare me for how to deal with all the questions at school when people brought up their dads and asked me about my dad. She should have given me some sort of line to say even if it wasn’t true. Instead I’d sit in class in a state of anxiety dreading any talk of fathers especially on Father’s Day. One of my most stressful memories is having to do a family history project in school and me sitting there with a blank sheet under “father”,As an adult I would have just made something up but as a little girl I just felt shame

Sorry to hear about how your feeling OP and others on this thread. I'm in the same situation I've never met my dad and when I was younger I imagined I would see him one day, that he'd come and rescue me, particularly as I had an abusive step father for a large chunk of my childhood. Not only do I really feel the loss but it's not just him, I missed out on his side of the family, grandparents, aunts and uncles, a half brother, and now I have children I feel for their loss of relatives too. I took my child to a hospital appointment and was asked that familiar question, does anything run in the family? Well I don't know, I will never know half of my genetic history or ancestry, we might be at risk of a preventable illness that runs in his family and I'll never know. I do feel a huge sense of loss, and that there is something deeply wrong with me, how could someone reject their own baby otherwise, so I can really relate to what you're saying. Something that helped me was after the relationship to my abusive step dad my mum married another abusive man and ended up needing to move a long way and take out a restraining order to escape. Suddenly I saw it as a pattern she was in and the chances are my dad was also abusive and I had a lucky escape, it certainly put me off trying to find him now.

Mysocalledmom

Just reading your post and I can relate through my own children but I’ve never lied to them and pretended their dad worked away or was sick, I didn’t want to excuse his behaviour or lie. Probably why your mum didn’t make up a lie either.

A lie is better than letting your young child go all through primary school not knowing how to respond to people’s innocent questions like “why don’t you see your dad” and “where does your dad work”. She needed to give me something to say back. She must have known I’d have got asked questions. If it was my child I’d tell them to say something like “My parents are separated and I don’t see my dad” as it was I had no idea what to say! I needed some ammunition. For example my son has a birthmark on his neck. Lots of people ask him about it and I’ve helped him work out what to say back, something like “I was born with it Ive had it since I was a baby” rather than just let him stand there open mouthed not knowing what to say!

Ah I see, so it was more about having something to say to explain? my children have never been asked where their dad is as I think absent fathers are more common these days , lots of children at their school don’t see their dads or even their mum and live with grandparents etc, they know their dad isn’t around and They know not everyone has a dad in their lives (or mum) just that all families are different.

Loop yes I think you’re right, unfortunately or fortunately? more common these days for kids not to have a dad in the picture. My children’s primary don’t make Father’s Day cards which I think is really good, stops any issues for children without a dad. I often ask my older DS in secondary if people ask about his mum or sad and what jobs we have and he says no one talks about that stuff which I think is great! Shouldn’t matter about your parents.
It sounds like you’re doing a great job with your children 🙂

I resonate with many of these posts. The idea that a parent chose not to be in your life is hard to accept.

That not feeling good enough seems to follow me through life. Never being told I was beautiful/a princess/special by another man throughout childhood caused major damage. It meant as a young adult I went for the unattainable, slept with anything that moved, needed constant reassurance about myself and still I doubted. I have major trust issues and became unhealthily detached at a young age believing I could not rely on others.

I seriously believe I am damaged. My mindset, thought patterns, distrust of others. How do you undo so many years of trauma?

I recall

Thanks to you all for posting on here.
Mysocalledmom I can relate, remembering the deep shame when we had to do family trees at school. I think (hope) there is more awareness now, eg no Fathers day cards made at school.

IndanthroneBlue Agree re the lack of even medical information, I dread it when the GP asks about things because I don't know half of my history.

NotPersephone that's heartbreaking. So cruel of him.

Faith50 I do think it can leave a legacy of not feeling good enough or not feeling worthy of a normal decent man, which is sad.