Advice needed

[opmamatrist]

So I happened to come across something by accident (toddler was messing around on hubby's laptop). I found an email draft which was a list of times me and my husband have disagreed on something or I have said something that he got annoyed at, basically a list of our arguments, and what they were about and how I was in the wrong. This has made me feel very uncomfortable and confused. Everyone has arguments and we makeup and usually resolve the issue so to me that argument is history and dealt with, so why would you need to make a list? I've been with him for 7.5 years, married for almost 3, hes my best friend and I love him dearly. I do feel things have changed but that's just life and the responsibilities that come with it, we don't have the time like we used to but we do still make an effort to have date nights etc and I thought everything was fine.....just feel so hurt and confused. What do I do?

That is so creepy op! It's like something a psychopath would do. I'd be questioning if I knew him at all.

It's possible he is having an affair and intends to throw all this stuff back in your face if you catch him out? Or that he is planning on leaving you and intends to use this stuff to make you the bad guy?

Either way, I cant think of a healthy reason someone would store up this stuff on you.
Has he past form for throwing old arguments in your face?

Does he send you angry emails?
Is the email addressed too as if he was going to send to you or do you think he was just using it as a note for himself?

I dont know if I'd mention it just yet. But I'd start taking steps like making sure I had my own separate money. And I'd tell someone you can trust not to blah about it and to have your back.

Also, what sort of things was he annoyed at?
Are they things like times where you have stood up him in some way/said 'no' ect?

My exh did this, kept a list of the arguments and things I'd done wrong in his eyes, he left and divorced me on rounds of unreasonable behaviour. I think he was planning it for a while.

@Umberellatheweatha

Also, what sort of things was he annoyed at? Are they things like times where you have stood up him in some way/said 'no' ect?

I don't think he's having an affair tbh, he doesn't have the time for it, he's working most of the week albeit he's working away but I know his routine. The arguments he's wrote about are things I don't even find significant but he's written that I've been ungrateful, or I prioritise my own family over his. I don't prioritise his family but neither does he with mine, I try be as fair as possible.

@Umberellatheweatha

That is so creepy op! It's like something a psychopath would do. I'd be questioning if I knew him at all.

It's possible he is having an affair and intends to throw all this stuff back in your face if you catch him out? Or that he is planning on leaving you and intends to use this stuff to make you the bad guy?

Either way, I cant think of a healthy reason someone would store up this stuff on you.
Has he past form for throwing old arguments in your face?

Does he send you angry emails?
Is the email addressed too as if he was going to send to you or do you think he was just using it as a note for himself?

I dont know if I'd mention it just yet. But I'd start taking steps like making sure I had my own separate money. And I'd tell someone you can trust not to blah about it and to have your back.

I mentioned it to him already and he said we will discuss in person tonight. Money isn't an issue, I have a well paying job, savings and a lot of family support but that thought hasn't even crossed my mind, I thought we were doing fine

@pinkb

My exh did this, kept a list of the arguments and things I'd done wrong in his eyes, he left and divorced me on rounds of unreasonable behaviour. I think he was planning it for a while.

Sorry to hear this :( that's worried me, I hope that's not his plan. He's my best friend and I love him beyond words, just shocked atm

This doesn't sound good OP. Be prepared to have an unpleasant conversation later.

Eee...ways you've been 'ungrateful'. That doesn't sound good. I mean what does that even mean?

And even if you did prioritise your own family over his, they're your family so i suppose you're perfectly entitled to. As he is to prioritise his own.

Very odd op. Good luck tonight. I think you should screenshot that email and perhaps even record tonight conversation incase he say some things that he later denies saying. Maybe that's overkill but I'd be tempted.

I'm sorry op, but this doesn't bode well. Keeping a list like this just isn't normal.

Yeah I don't get it, there are times he's upset me or I've gotten angry with him over something but I don't make a list, I forgive and forget! I couldn't even think of you asked me cause I literally forget about it quickly!

I cannot think of anything other than he is collecting evidence, a bit like people are told to if they are having trouble at work in case they need to make a future case / claim.

Really hope there's a good reason for it all

So sorry but it doesn’t look good. The examples you have given are exactly the kind of “flaky” thing you have to state to go for a divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour if there is nothing big. You have to give a few “little” things like not participating to family life. I really really hope I’m wrong and sorry if it upsets you to hear that

I used to make lists of the arguments me and exdh had - it helped me stop thinking I was going crazy and to remember how I felt during those times. The problem was we had horrible arguments then my dh would never want to bring them up ever again as they were in the past - from my side they hurt and I wanted a record for myself to stay sane. It wasn't meant for him to see ever.

In the end it was a build up of all the arguments and the cyclical nature that I couldn't stand any more
I'm just saying this because it isn't necessarily sinister but may be because he feels like I do

Ps I never brought them up again and I'm not a psychopath (I don't think)

Perhaps it equates to something like a personal diary of his private thoughts but listed on a computer rather than in a book. Hopefully there are more entries somewhere listing all the positive things about you and your relationship together. I bet he is crapping himself now though trying to think of a viable reason for his behaviour.

Yes I would think planning for divorce too.

My friend is doing exactly this with her stbxh just now. She's planning on leaving him and is logging all his "unreasonable" behaviour.

Not sure what she thinks it will achieve but she seems to think it will help with the divorce/settlement if she can show how unreasonable he is 🤷🏻‍♀️

Just seen you said he said you would discuss it tonight. Really hope it’s not what we think. Thinking of you

Thank you for all your replies guys, I will let you know how the evening goes :(

@opmamatrist

Thank you for all your replies guys, I will let you know how the evening goes :(

Good luck

I really hope you screenshot that and backed that up. That's creepy and sounds like he's keeping tally to demonstrate how unreasonable you've been. I'd be confronting him about this.

Hand hold

Good luck x

Oh god that's fucking weird. He's saving it up for something, but he has the afternoon to come up with a more reasonable reason than whatever the real one is.