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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice needed

50 replies

opmamatrist · 19/06/2021 14:16

So I happened to come across something by accident (toddler was messing around on hubby's laptop). I found an email draft which was a list of times me and my husband have disagreed on something or I have said something that he got annoyed at, basically a list of our arguments, and what they were about and how I was in the wrong. This has made me feel very uncomfortable and confused. Everyone has arguments and we makeup and usually resolve the issue so to me that argument is history and dealt with, so why would you need to make a list? I've been with him for 7.5 years, married for almost 3, hes my best friend and I love him dearly. I do feel things have changed but that's just life and the responsibilities that come with it, we don't have the time like we used to but we do still make an effort to have date nights etc and I thought everything was fine.....just feel so hurt and confused. What do I do?

OP posts:

Original poster

opmamatrist · 19/06/2021 19:07

@osbertthesyrianhamster

I really hope you screenshot that and backed that up. That's creepy and sounds like he's keeping tally to demonstrate how unreasonable you've been. I'd be confronting him about this.

I never screen shot it, wish I had now! I was just in shock

OP posts:

Original poster

opmamatrist · 19/06/2021 19:14

@Anotheruser02

Oh god that's fucking weird. He's saving it up for something, but he has the afternoon to come up with a more reasonable reason than whatever the real one is.

That's very true, maybe I shouldn't have mentioned it until he was home

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JustAnotherOldMan · 19/06/2021 19:15

Sounds like the sort of thing ex did when we split, as there was no one ‘big’ thing like gambling / cheating etc.

But good luck, hopefully all works out okay

tct131416 · 19/06/2021 22:11

He could be building a case for a divorce petition BUT he could also just doing his own version of journalling... impossible to say from the outside. Either way, he's obviously not happy. Hope you manage to get to the bottom of it 💐

DoingItMyself · 19/06/2021 22:13

Hope you're safe. I don't like the sound of him at all.

Original poster

opmamatrist · 19/06/2021 22:23

So he said it was just his way of letting it out and it wasn't for anyone to see or to use for anything hence it was on his email drafts. He said he wouldn't mind if I did something similar as he doesn't see the issue with it and there is no deeper meaning to it.

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GinTonicIce · 19/06/2021 22:27

So it was basically a journal? Sounds reasonable enough but I can imagine hurtful to read. Maybe it’s good you saw it so he can start being more open with you.

Cockenspiel · 19/06/2021 22:27

Do you believe him?

kiddo5467 · 19/06/2021 22:36

So why did that need to wait til tonight for a big chat?

Original poster

opmamatrist · 19/06/2021 23:09

@GinTonicIce

So it was basically a journal? Sounds reasonable enough but I can imagine hurtful to read. Maybe it’s good you saw it so he can start being more open with you.

It was hurtful to read for sure, maybe it was just the shock of it as it was very unexpected

OP posts:

Original poster

opmamatrist · 19/06/2021 23:11

@Cockenspiel

Do you believe him?

I do believe him yes

OP posts:

Original poster

opmamatrist · 19/06/2021 23:11

@kiddo5467

So why did that need to wait til tonight for a big chat?

He always prefers to talk in person, he brought it up himself when he got in from work rather then wait for me to bring it up

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me4real · 19/06/2021 23:26

If I were doing that it would be me progressively weighing up whether or not to stay in a relationship.

You could ask him if he is doing that and if so whether he would consider couples counselling to work on things.

Jigglywobbly · 20/06/2021 11:22

Why write a journal but only put arguments? Surely a journal is like a daily thing with what’s happening in your life. Feels like he’s building evidence against you more than anything , something he can refer back to and use against you.
I can’t imagine writing arguments down bizarre

AGirlCalledJohnny · 20/06/2021 18:19

I've done this before, written out lists of what DH's been doing that have been pissing me off, unreasonable behaviour etc. It's just a way to let off steam and also, if I'm honest, a way of validating why I was right to be angry. They've never been used against him, and I feel better once it's 'out'. He doesn't like rehashing stuff that he feels has been resolved, but - again, being honest here - I do have a not very admirable tendency to bear a grudge/sulk lol. I absolutely hate that about myself so the lists/letters help me put it to bed so to speak.

Hopefully am not a psychopath

AGirlCalledJohnny · 20/06/2021 18:21

And sometimes when it's written down I can also see that I've also been a dick

me4real · 20/06/2021 23:05

I don't think it's psychopathic at all BTW. It's someone trying to work out how they feel about situations etc.

Which doesn't mean you've got nothing to worry about.

I wouldn't take his answer at face value TBH, I would see it as he has doubts about things.

But then @AGirlCalledJohnny says she's done it and it isn't really anything for her DH to worry about maybe, so everyone's different.

I think I would ask him a little more about his answer @opmamatrist . This would've made me feel insecure.

Why write a journal but only put arguments? Surely a journal is like a daily thing with what’s happening in your life.

@Jigglywobbly I have notebooks and use them mainly to process things if something's on my mind, or I suppose write down everyday things if I want to note them, Bridget Jones- style like calories or whatever. :)

Anordinarymum · 20/06/2021 23:10

@opmamatrist

I actually get this. It's akin to the letter you never send. Maybe you should talk more and then he won't feel the need to vent in this way

NotTooDistantFuture · 21/06/2021 08:01

The only time I’ve ever written a list was when I wanted to feel absolutely certain that leaving was the right thing.

I would say however, there are many different reasons why someone would write such a list.

You have every right to be shocked and upset, but you had no business being on his computer, your toddler didn’t make you look, you didn’t have to read. Try to avoid invasions of privacy next time, your life will be better for it.

Backthewaywecame · 21/06/2021 08:46

I wrote a list in preparation for divorce. It was so long the solicitor had to discard most of it.

I have also written things down to clarify them for myself but only when there have been issues that need to be resolved.

DoingItMyself · 21/06/2021 13:53

Please invade his computer, any of his devices, any of his notes, bank statements or any such, as often as you like.

People with secrets are the only ones who would object. There's a lot of 'cool girlfriend' nonsense on mumsnet.

BarbarianMum · 21/06/2021 17:57

A degree of privacy is normal in most relationships @DoingItMyself. Nothing "cool girl" about it.

GinTonicIce · 21/06/2021 18:11

I’ve made similar lists/journal entries.

Assuming the worst is no way to live.

GinTonicIce · 21/06/2021 18:12

And I would seriously object to someone going through my computer married or not. I’m a grown adult, not a child,

NotTooDistantFuture · 22/06/2021 07:24

I have nothing to hide actually, but would still consider snooping as a form of control and lack of respect. It’s called having basic manners and being a trustworthy person.

Have you ever heard the proverb “eavesdroppers never hear good of themselves”? A suspicious or paranoid mind is an unhealthy and destructive thing.

How have your partners reacted when you’ve done this to them? When did you first learn that this is a good way to deal with people?

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