Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you raise moving in?

28 replies

Username2750 · 19/06/2021 10:17

Just wondering what you’d do here... bit of background, I’m 35, he’s 39. I was VERY clear I wanted to settle down and was looking for something serious, from date one or two from memory. He expressed a similar sentiment...he wanted to settle down and was looking for the right person.

Fast forward 10 months later, having seen each other every week for a couple of nights a week, a couple of trips away, lots of days out, sharing career goals etc...and he loses his job. He’s currently looking for another, it’s in a niche area so there’s not that many to go for! He is highly paid for what he does so it’s not a case of just taking any job in the area, it needs to be this one. We have talked about the fact we want to stay together regardless. All fine.

But the thing is, I want to live together. There’s a chance his new job might be in the same area, but even if it is I think I want us to move in. If it’s further away from where we are then I want to move in even more as I can’t be arsed with the travel to see each other!

But it’s 10 months in isn’t it? Is it crazy to suggest it? I know people do this within weeks and get married and it’s all fine for the next 40 years, but I’m talking generally speaking. Would it be reasonable to raise it? Even now I feel it is a faff driving back and forth (he drives to me too) and it’s only half an hour! I also kind of feel like we are stagnant...I kind of want to know if we work as a living together couple.

Would you raise this and if so, how? What would you do if he’s not keen?

OP posts:
Original poster
Username2750 · 19/06/2021 10:19

And yes I’d like a family etc and that’s been mentioned. The next step though is moving in.

Maybe it’s old fashioned but I feel like the man should ask? Is that silly?

OP posts:
Clickbait · 19/06/2021 10:40

Totally reasonable to have a conversation about it and see what he thinks. I didn't move in with DH until we'd been together for 5 years but we got together young. In your 30s it's natural for things to move quicker.

If he's not keen, at least you've planted the seed. No need to rush or pressure him, just a calm chat about hopes and expectations.

Original poster
Username2750 · 19/06/2021 11:16

@Clickbait if he’s not keen should I walk away? I kind of feel like if we don’t do it now then we are just treading water, it’s great but we don’t know how we are at the next stage...I don’t want to wait another year to find out we don’t gel in the same house.

OP posts:
Clickbait · 19/06/2021 11:54

Well obviously it's your decision, but personally no, I wouldn't walk away as 10 months is still quite early. However, I'd want to hear some encouraging noises from him about possible timing. Maybe six months would be a good plan to aim for?

category12 · 19/06/2021 11:56

I wouldn't move him in while he's jobless.

firstimemamma · 19/06/2021 12:00

We moved in after a year together and I was the first one to bring it up! It doesn't have to be the man! He was the first to say I love you so I like that he was the first with some things and me with others. Together 6 years now and just got married Smilewe lived in rental flats for a few years first before buying and I believe this is sensible but each to their own.

Rainbowqueeen · 19/06/2021 12:02

I wouldn’t do it until he has a new job and if he’s a decent guy he wouldn’t suggest it until he has another job.
I don’t think 10 months is too early but I think the circumstances are not right. It almost feels like you are worried he will take a job and move and you are trying to prevent that.

DinosaurDiana · 19/06/2021 12:02

Just ask him !

firstimemamma · 19/06/2021 12:02

I'd be a bit hesitant around the job thing though.

Bluntness100 · 19/06/2021 12:06

Honestly I’d wait until he’s his job sorted.

category12 · 19/06/2021 12:08

@Rainbowqueeen

I wouldn’t do it until he has a new job and if he’s a decent guy he wouldn’t suggest it until he has another job. I don’t think 10 months is too early but I think the circumstances are not right. It almost feels like you are worried he will take a job and move and you are trying to prevent that.
Yes, that. ^

Doing it at this stage smells like fear and you'd never know if he was just doing it for the convenience.

If he is serious about the relationship, he will have a plan for you as a couple whatever happens with his work.

Original poster
Username2750 · 19/06/2021 12:10

This is obviously relevant information though I didn’t think it was when I posted, but money is not an issue at all for him or for me.

I’m just concerned about asking so soon but also don’t want to carry on driving back and forth, potentially further if his job moves further. But it’s definitely not a situation where he would end up sponging off me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Username2750 · 19/06/2021 12:14

@firstimemamma

We moved in after a year together and I was the first one to bring it up! It doesn't have to be the man! He was the first to say I love you so I like that he was the first with some things and me with others. Together 6 years now and just got married Smilewe lived in rental flats for a few years first before buying and I believe this is sensible but each to their own.
@firstimemamma thanks for sharing your experience! We each down our own place (he rents his out) so we would be moving into a new rental together. Definitely wouldn’t buy with him yet and have no need to either.
OP posts:
Hughbert · 19/06/2021 12:15

You dont know that. And it gives little incentive to find a job, which means you have purpose and structure and he could be potentially doing fuck all all day and frittering his savings.

Original poster
Username2750 · 19/06/2021 12:18

@Hughbert without going into detail, I do know this. I have zero concerns here.

OP posts:
Cinni23 · 19/06/2021 12:19

It's not too soon at all, we decided to move in after about 6 months and we were early 20s. May as well broach it.

Blossomandbee · 19/06/2021 12:21

Nothing wrong in talking about it, but he might be hesitant due to the job situation so the timing might not be great. You could bring it up as 'when you've got a job sorted how do you feel about looking at moving in together.'
Just sound it out and see what he says, then at least you'll know where you stand and whether you've got a future or it's run it's course. I do feel 10 months isn't long to feel the relationship is stagnant though, it should still be new and exciting at this stage. Just make sure you're not looking at it as a band aid for something that's not working.

category12 · 19/06/2021 12:33

Maybe it’s old fashioned but I feel like the man should ask? Is that silly?

Yes, it's silly.

It's daft to leave the fate of the person with the shrinking fertility window at the whim of the person with no equivalent biological pressure.

Given you have no worries about finances, housing or him sponging, I would go with something like "while you're at this bit of a crossroads with work and things, what do you think us moving things on a bit & moving in together?"

Original poster
Username2750 · 19/06/2021 12:44

@category12 that’s my worry really. If he says no then I will really feel like the relationship has no future.

OP posts:
category12 · 19/06/2021 12:46

But isn't it better to find that out sooner rather than later? If it's going nowhere, you don't want to waste more of your fertile years on him.

Original poster
Username2750 · 19/06/2021 12:47

@category12 yes, but is it too soon to reach that ultimatum I guess is my question. I am ready to move in and can’t see the relationship developing further than it has without that.

OP posts:
category12 · 19/06/2021 13:00

I don't know - I think 10 months is probably long enough to know how you feel about each other, and as neither of you have children already(?) it's not complicated to move in.

I mean, you could wait to see what he does work-wise - if he takes a job miles away without a care for your your relationship then that would be an answer.

Or you could hold off until around your anniversary?

I wouldn't wait around for much longer than a couple of months though.

Veronika13 · 19/06/2021 13:38

We moved in after 5 month, age definitely played a factor (I was 33, he was 40). We didn't see the attraction of 'going on dates one/twice a week'.
We did spend 5-6 nights a week together by the time we moved in though. Furniture he bought all himself so if it didn't work out I'd just have moved out.

Not too soon, 10 months is a long time to think about relationship. You're giving it a go at renting together, it's not like you're going into a 30 year mortgage. At 35 I'd want to have clear understanding of where you both see this going.

Cinni23 · 19/06/2021 16:07

[quote Username2750]@category12 that’s my worry really. If he says no then I will really feel like the relationship has no future.[/quote]
All the more reason to ask, better to know? X

Bksjshsbbev2737 · 19/06/2021 16:11

DH and I moved in together quite quickly as we lived about an hour away from each other and it was a bit of a pain to be driving back and forth and I worked near his so it made sense. I’d want him to have a job before moving in though in case you become responsible for paying for everything.
I’d be casual in asking if he’s thought about it and if he’s not enthusiastic then back off as it is early days so it’d be understandable if he wanted to wait a bit

Swipe left for the next trending thread