What to do. Stuck.

[bigjbigj]

I'm with this guy. It's only been just over a month but we definitely rushed things, he's been staying with me and seeing eachother a lot. He lives a few hours away so it's easier to stay. He's amazing, patient, kind, caring everything you want. And amazing with my little girl. I just feel "off". No other way to describe it. I just can't get it out my head. I've never rlly left much space between relationships( obviously kept my little girl out of them before). I don't know if it's coz I'm not ready or just have a lot going on rn.. trying to focus on my health- and a lot going on with my little girl. The point of this was to just find out if anyone has been in a relationship like this and what they did.

Omg! He shouldnt be staying in your house when you have a little girl and dont even know him! And something feels off!

He could be a paedophole for all you know op!

Stop letting him into your home when your wee girl is there.

Absolutely nuts.

Sorry op but you are going to get roasted on here for this.

He sounds like he is love bombing you. And you sound like you might have codependency issues. Do you have a history of abuse from family or partners?

OP you need to put a stop to these stay overs immediately. And seriously give your head a wobble about why you let a man so close so fast.

You’re not stuck. You’ve only just met him. You barely know him.

If you want to end it, end it. If you want to back off and take it slower, tell him.

I don’t think he should be ‘staying’ with you with your child there, especially as you already say it feels ‘off.’ That’s alarm bells ringing.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

This is far too much and far too soon. You have indeed rushed into this and you barely know each other as people. You have let this man into your child's life too at such an early stage; how can you state he is amazing with her?. This would also be highly confusing for your child to see.

What is the longest period of time you have been single?. Be on your own and learn an awful lot more about love bombing and other possible red flags here.

You have a total stranger living in your home with your daughter? Wow.

For her sake get him out asap.

For context, I didn't even introduce my dc to my then dp, until I'd been with dh for a year and even then he was very gradually introduced.
I work with young children, I've seen the damage doing the opposite to my approach does.

Should have explained. I've known him for ages, that's just how long the relationship has been going on for! @Umberellatheweatha @Domoresteps @AttilaTheMeerkat @Littlefluffyclouds13

If it feels ‘off’, tell him that you need some space.

You'll get flamed on here for introducing him to your child before you've known him for 25 years...good luck!!

You can still tell him you need some space. If he was, and remains, a decent friend to you he would understand that. You have to put your child and you first here.

I am wondering if you actually know him as well as you think you do.

@amylou8

You'll get flamed on here for introducing him to your child before you've known him for 25 years...good luck!!

Hilarious Presumably you have never had a child in your class who's utterly confused about who is living in their home? One little boy didn't even know what the total stranger in his home was called!

But yeh, keep cracking your 'jokes' nothing funnier than children being treated appalling....

@Littlefluffyclouds13 I don't agree with the jokes. But I also don't agree I'm treating my daughter appallingly. I know him. It's just the relationship side I needed advice on.

[quote bigjbigj]@Littlefluffyclouds13 I don't agree with the jokes. But I also don't agree I'm treating my daughter appallingly. I know him. It's just the relationship side I needed advice on. [/quote]
I'm not suggesting you are op.
I was obviously talking about dc in your dds situation generally and you have explained that your dp is someone you have known for a long time.

Please listen to your gut though, something is telling you the relationship isn't right.

@Littlefluffyclouds13 I will do, it's hard when everything is seemingly perfect, I just assume the connection is not there.

Has your child known him for years also?

@Howshouldibehave
What will space accomplish? Once you've rushed it very difficult to slow it down that's the problem. Space is well and good until you go back to it, if I feel the same or maybe I don't and after time I do. It's difficult

Do you mean you feel 'off' as in uncomfortable or 'off' as in not sure it's there for you romantically/ sexually? If the former, I would just listen to your gut and tell him it's not working, blame the distance if you want. If the latter, and you want to try, maybe you haven't really given yourself chance to get to know him this way, if it's gone straight from friends to domesticity. Could you try a few dates instead of him just coming round?

I know logistically it's not easy with distance and childcare but unfortunately sometimes it is circumstances that work against us and stop a relationship from developing rather than the people involved necessarily being all wrong for each other. Just the way it is sometimes.

So much to say
But what’s the point
He might move on
And then another will move in

I agree with @Sometimesfraught82. I know you say you have know him for a long time... I hope you know him very well. I cannot imagine moving someone in with my children that I wasn't 100% positive about, feeling 'off ' after you've moved the guy in is a little short sighted on your part.
Your poor girl has had to put up with the guy moving in only for you to change your mind and potentially move him back out within the space of a month....
Please think long and hard before moving the next one in.

I think you need to think why it feels ‘off’ . Is it the person that doesn’t feel right ? Or it is it that you feel you would like more personal space at the moment— if it’s the latter there is nothing wrong with saying you would like to carry on seeing them- but you don’t want them living with you this quickly

@JustGiveMeGin
He hasn't moved it. He has been staying for a week.

@bigjbigj when is he due to go home? Once he's gone it won't be such a problem. Obviously if he's going home soon you aren't stuck?

I think I'd feel off about some guy hanging around my house for a week!You sure he actually has a place of his own? Or that its not the case that he suddenly started to pursue you romantically because his last gf has just kicked him out?

Either way, trust you instincts if something feels off. He is being far too full on if he has genuinely been at your house for a week.

[quote bigjbigj]@Howshouldibehave
What will space accomplish? Once you've rushed it very difficult to slow it down that's the problem. Space is well and good until you go back to it, if I feel the same or maybe I don't and after time I do. It's difficult [/quote]
If you dont know what space will accomplish, then there is no answer anyone can give.

You write a post saying you have rushed things, then say space isnt the answer.

What do you propose to do? Stick him up in the loft until you have decided?

I'd be saying 'I feel we are rushing this a bit. I think you should go home for now and maybe in a week or so we can hang out again. Perhaps go on a proper date'.

See how he reacts to that. If he gets huffy or some shit then you know he is a weirdo and you can pan him off. Same thing if he agrees to it but then tries to push you boundaries. Eg: by asking to stay a few days next week too.

That's if you dont straight up just want to end it now btw. Which you are well within your rights to do. If something feels off then theres arguably no point waiting about to find out why.

Chances are you dont actually like him that much and like you said, just have a habit of jumping into things.

Maybe you feel off about the kind of guy who would spend so much time including frequent overnights, with a woman and her young daughter just a month after starting a romantic relationship.

You and he have both either ignored healthy relationship boundaries or do not have healthy relationship boundaries. On some level, as evidenced by you saying 'we definitely rushed things', you already know you're right to have an 'off' feeling. Because the relationship has started from an 'off' and poor boundaries place.

The reason we are always advised to get to know one another at a sensible pace is so you can do just that - get to know one another. You say you've known him years. That isn't anywhere close enough to a good reason for having him spend frequent overnights in your home or be spending with your daughter just one month into a romantic relationship.

You know him already you say - presumably a family friend / colleague? But you haven't known him as a boyfriend until 60 days or so ago. So you don't know what he'll be like in that role. And you have a child. Yet you're moving this quickly.

You both moved way too fast and are probably just noticing all the things that would have put you off each other in the long term anyway. Creating an 'off' feeling.

Letting him be around the home, meet your daughter including him staying over night, after 60 days, isn't just silly... it's irresponsible and quite selfish tbh.

@Umberellatheweatha

I'd be saying 'I feel we are rushing this a bit. I think you should go home for now and maybe in a week or so we can hang out again. Perhaps go on a proper date'.

See how he reacts to that. If he gets huffy or some shit then you know he is a weirdo and you can pan him off. Same thing if he agrees to it but then tries to push you boundaries. Eg: by asking to stay a few days next week too.

That's if you dont straight up just want to end it now btw. Which you are well within your rights to do. If something feels off then theres arguably no point waiting about to find out why.

Chances are you dont actually like him that much and like you said, just have a habit of jumping into things.

This is great advice.