Does love that has gone away ever come back?

[Yessiricanboogie50]

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, I am 28.

In 2017/2018 he really hurt me. He cheated on me and paid for sex, he paid for webcam sex and he also paid for a subscription to receive dirty Snapchat’s (not only fans).

At the time of me finding out (late 2017) we had a newborn baby (our second child) and I didn’t feel like I could physically leave as I was struggling with our children whenever I was on my own.

Since then I feel like my love for him, quite understandably is basically gone. Don’t get me wrong there is a part of me that does love him, but maybe only 10% still there?

Does love ever come back? Am I wasting my time?

In my experience, no. I stayed for a year but it just kept getting worse and I found the longer I stayed, the less I wanted to. Leaving still felt tough but it was the right thing for me.

I feel the same, it’s been 3 years since anything has really happened and I have felt less and less love for him as time goes on.

We have a young family so there’s also the guilt of splitting up our family, however I know this isn’t my doing and I can’t help feeling this way.

I don’t think it does. I think resentment can really kill a relationship dead. Even if you forgive him for what he’s put you through, resentment absolutely creeps in and once it’s there I don’t believe there’s any coming back from it.

“We have a young family so there’s also the guilt of splitting up our family, however I know this isn’t my doing and I can’t help feeling this way.”

It’s not your doing at all 💞 it’s better for a child to come from a broken home than to live in one 💐

It depends on what's caused the love to fade, but IME betrayal isn't a great place to come back from.

Don't stay because you want your child to grow up with two parents. They will feel that there's no love between you and your partner, and it will affect them in the future. Much better to have two parents living separately but happily.

The resentment has started already which isn’t helping matters, I hate what he done to me. He said he will never do anything again, but I didn’t think he would do it in the first place.

I think I’m finding it difficult as basically everyone in our family are still together, my parents are still together, his parents are still together, siblings etc, I would feel like I’ve failed or haven’t tried enough but I feel like I have.

I had the same experience and stayed with exH for 5 years after I found out.
It totally destroyed my trust in him and that never came back. After we split up I found out he'd been using cams all along and spent 1000s
I have no advice but

The resentment has started already which isn’t helping matters, I hate what he done to me. He said he will never do anything again, but I didn’t think he would do it in the first place

That's the rub isn't it? You now know he'll willingly betray you and the doubt festers, and that's without all the rest about him feeling entitled to buy a woman's body, etc. Naturally he'll promise never to do it again - until he does and thinks of a reason why it's actually all your fault

Like a fool I forgave mine for the "just once" it happened, then found out later that he'd used hookers right from the age of 17 and all through our 30 plus years of marriage. As you'll gather from the timescale I'm much older than you though, and difficult though it is, at 28 and with most of your life ahead of you I wouldn't even consider staying

You've tried.

Call it a day.

No

I have felt so rubbish today, I know my marriage is over. He is at work and won’t be home until July so I have some time to think about what I have to say.

I don’t even know if a marriage counsellor could help because I don’t think the issue is our actual marriage, we get along fine.

A counsellor can't make you love him again.

Sometimes you just reach the end of the road.

@Yessiricanboogie50. I’ve been in the position of staying for what is now4 years . In my case I stayed because I found out about a historical emotional affair — it may have been more, I can’t prove it. I have since found other stuff that I don’t like such as a daily porn habit the minute I’m out the door. I do care about him— he was incredibly sorry at the time but the fact remains actions have consequences, and the consequences are I no longer feel the same romantically/sexually about him— it’s like someone sniffed a candle out. That’s the problem OP, you can have good times and good days still but I know many women on here have said you can kind of ‘get over it’ and even kind of ‘forgive’. But any future live with them comes with conditions and wariness— it’s no longer unconditional — it’s a hard road to go down

@Crikeyalmighty so what is making you stay with him?

My husband is the only boyfriend I ever had, well my only serious one.

I’m not interested in anyone else honestly, but I do sit and wonder wow how great would it be to have someone that you completely trust 100% and you know would never hurt you.

Circumstances mainly— 2nd marriage— I’m late 50’s— don’t have equity etc , work together so if relationship goes , so does my role. I have to be aware if I leave it’s likely I will be on my own as I have lost faith in most men— even the ones on paper who are intelligent, hard working etc— I have to be 100% sure I’m ok with that and to be pretty hard up

I do sit and wonder wow how great would it be to have someone that you completely trust 100% and you know would never hurt you

Given my history I guess it's predictable that I'd say this, but trusting some 100% can be unwise. Maybe like yourself (?) I always believed mine would "never do something like that" - until he did

Now I'll settle for 99%, but more than that? No chance

I feel like I have also lost faith in people I haven’t even met yet because I’ve been so let down by him. I feel like I would be a complete nightmare to be with aswell if I feel this way.

@Puzzledandpissedoff - true, even 99% would be a dream.

I think I’m going to meet with a therapist, I arranged one towards the end of last year which had to be cancelled because of lockdown at the start of this year. I need to speak to someone about my thoughts etc, I don’t feel I can speak to friends and family yet as they don’t even know what my husband has done in the past.

No, for all you know he's using prostitutes while he's away with work as he is clearly good at hiding things. Mine also apparently was cheating on me for most of our almost 20 years together. I'm still coming to terms with half my total life and entire adult life being a lie.

However, I'm 35, met someone new last year (left husband in Jan, met partner in September) I can't put into words how happy he makes me. The relationship is incomparable.

You're younger than me, you'll be fine. I also have two small children, both not yet at school, that isn't an issue.

That’s lovely to hear @InkieNecro

I feel like whatever kind of relationship I have next I will know what red flags to look for and what I do and don’t want.

I stayed for six years after learning about STBXH’s betrayal. That feeling never went away. I found I didn’t trust him with anything. We finally split about 18 months ago and I’m honestly happier than I’ve ever been. DC are fine. Dating is fun. I have my self respect back.

One thing though: do not feel guilty. This is his doing; not yours.

@AttaGirrrrl thank you, I like hearing other people’s stories and how long they stayed and how they are feeling now.

I’m at the stage now where I struggle to trust him with just about anything, even if he tells me what he was up to that day, I don’t believe what he’s telling me

Hi OP, I was in a similar situation & I asked him to leave as I knew I wouldn’t get the trust & intimacy back. It’s really tough at times but ultimately I know it was the right thing to do. I couldn’t live my life in limbo anymore. Good advice from friends was that they wished their mums had left when they were kids, instead of staying in a miserable relationship for their sakes. As adults they felt the guilt.
I think the younger the dc are in many ways it’s easier on them. Good luck 💐

@Magicstars, I feel like I know it’s the right thing to do now. That’s interesting about the children saying they felt the guilt as adults. My children are 7 and 4 but I wish they were abit younger, I think it would be easier.

What's hard about leaving is the secrecy and shame. I didn't tell my children about exH camming at first because I felt it was an adult thing. They both found out and strangely its been much easier since then, I think because they both could see that's not acceptable in a relationship. They are older though - teenagers

I found after 5 years I was emotionally shut down and very anxious - if exH came to bed late I'd wake up having a panic attack which I think is because I was worrying he was camming (which he was).
It's no way to live.