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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abusive mother wants access to my son

57 replies

MaryB90 · 18/06/2021 19:11

Hi all,

Hoping someone can help. My mother who I have no contact with as she is abusive, has heard that I am pregnant, just reached out to me to say if I don't make contact with her she will sue me for visitations with my child.

Is this possible? I'm so upset right now, I don't want to keep in touch with her for many reasons and I do not want her in my child's life. Been NC for 6 years now.

Please can someone advise 😢

OP posts:
TotorosCatBus · 18/06/2021 19:49

She has no legal rights

You don't need to prove why you're NC so please don't worry about that
Thanks

If her husband is encouraging her, it's so that he's not in the firing line rather than because she has a chance.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/06/2021 19:49

Indeed do not be afraid of her threats even if she does have a solicitor husband in tow. She has no automatic rights of access to your children. Keep yourself and your children well away from her going forward. Do not respond in any way.

TotorosCatBus · 18/06/2021 19:51

Can you move away ? Change your contact details and block her current numbers? It must have been a horrible shock to hear from her.

You don't need to have a reason for NC.

Castlepeak · 18/06/2021 19:54

Those very occasional, sensational stories about grandparents and court always involve cases where the grandparents have been raising or significantly helping to raise the child. If it will ease your anxiety, see a solicitor who has an expertise in child custody law, but I don’t think you really need to do anything unless she presents you with court papers.

That is the catch, while a case might have absolutely no chance of winning, if someone is willing to pay a solicitor and pay the legal fees, they can still get that case before a judge at least once. That is when the opposing side gets to present their case that the whole thing is ridiculous and should be thrown out and it probably will be, but if it comes to that, I would find the money for legal representation.

IdblowJonSnow · 18/06/2021 19:59

Block her. She must be an awful person to have you frightened like this.
Keep the message though in case you ever want to show that she has threatened you.
Who told her about your pregnancy? Do they not have your back?
Would it be worth reporting the abuse?
Flowers

RainyDay2020 · 18/06/2021 20:09

She’s talking bollocks! There is no way she would get access.
My mother (who I was also NC with) threatened the same with my children.
I blocked her on everything and ignored her. Letters were ripped up and chucked in the bin, don’t even be tempted to open them.
I know it’s so so difficult but ignore her, people like that feed off the drama.
Hugs for you and congratulations on your pregnancy.

knittingaddict · 18/06/2021 20:12

Grandparents only have a hope of contact if they have an established, close and regular contact already with their grandchildren. They need to have either lived with the child or to have been an extra "parent" to the child. She hasn't a hope.

Mintjulia · 18/06/2021 20:13

@Topseyt is correct. Your DM has no legal right to your child, she has no established relationship, and it doesn't matter who her husband is,

Starlightstarbright1 · 18/06/2021 20:16

@category12

Nope. Doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Don't allow contact at all from the very beginning, otherwise she'll try to establish it's to maintain a relationship, but if she never has one at all, you're golden.

This exactly.
Starlightstarbright1 · 18/06/2021 20:18

To add i would also block whoever is giving her the information

Gingernaut · 18/06/2021 20:26

Grandparents have no automatic rights to contact or access to a child.

www.gransnet.com/grandparenting/contact-rights

Something exceptional would have had to occur before grandparents can contact a child without the parents' consent.

Aprilx · 18/06/2021 20:33

@MaryB90

Thank you for all your replies, yes we are both in the UK. Her husband is a solicitor, just to make things worse. I am scared 😢 i don't have any evidence of the abuse as it was mainly psychological, should I seek legal advice just in case
No don’t waste your money on legal advice, grandparents do not have rights, there is nothing she can do, she is just trying to frighten you. The quickest way to make her go away is to totally ignore the message, if you answer you are starting a dialogue that might be hard to shut down. Ignore ignore ignore.
PanamaPattie · 18/06/2021 20:36

Block her and block anyone that is likely to tell her anything. Someone in your circle has blabbed.

Aussiebean · 18/06/2021 20:36

When baby is here, and you are doing wills and appointing guardians you should make it clear that she is to have no contact and zero say on what happens to them.

championthewonderhorse70 · 18/06/2021 20:43

Don't be intimidated by a solicitor husband. He clearly doesn't specialise in family law or he'd have told her straight she's being ridiculous l.
In the UK grandparents have no rights unless in special circumstances already mentioned.
Take absolutely no notice

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 18/06/2021 20:46

The paternal grandparents of my friend's oldest child were awarded some visitation rights. They're situation was quite unique though in that not only were they very involved but the child's father had passed away so their grandson was their only remaining "link" to him in a sense. Even then the court only agreed to an hour ever few months, with my friend present. As others have said, your mother doesnt stand even a whisper of a ghost of a chance. Don't open any more of her letters and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

Griefmonster · 18/06/2021 20:54

How did she contact you? As others have said - lock down everything and do not respond.

Original poster
MaryB90 · 18/06/2021 20:58

Thank you all, thats very reassuring Flowers
I will try not to worry, she doesn't know where I live. I have her blocked on SM and she doesn't have my contact number, she reached out through my uncle, who said he was asked to pass this message on and was doing so to warn me. I've told him to not pass on any messages from her anymore and he understood.
I don't post anything on SM, I certainly won't be posting any photos of my son once his born.

Just wondering, if she does decide to take me to court, how will she send me court papers if she doesn't know where I live, is there any way her husband can find my address through his work? 🤔

OP posts:
Kitchendilemmas · 18/06/2021 21:03

@MaryB90

Thank you all, thats very reassuring Flowers I will try not to worry, she doesn't know where I live. I have her blocked on SM and she doesn't have my contact number, she reached out through my uncle, who said he was asked to pass this message on and was doing so to warn me. I've told him to not pass on any messages from her anymore and he understood. I don't post anything on SM, I certainly won't be posting any photos of my son once his born.

Just wondering, if she does decide to take me to court, how will she send me court papers if she doesn't know where I live, is there any way her husband can find my address through his work? 🤔

If her husband does abuse his position to get your address for her then you can report him for a GDPR breach, I think.
Graphista · 18/06/2021 21:09

Haha! Yea no she can fuck right off!

I was nc with my parents when I first had dd as dad abusive.

He threatened similar and even spent a fortune going to several lawyers who all told him - correctly - he had absolutely no rights whatsoever and further that if I reported the abuse I could even apply for an order preventing him from even trying to gain access!

Please don't worry

If her husband gained your contact information through his work he'd be in serious shit! Not only gdpr but code of ethics, membership of professional organisations etc - not worth him risking his career.

Does your uncle know your address? How does he contact you?

I reinstated contact for complex reasons but always kept dad (literally) at double arms length from dd and I. It was mum I couldn't stay out from. I was still very careful about contact info etc

I also had it written in my will (and when I was with ex he did too) that in the event of our deaths dad was NOT to have close contact with dd or EVER be left in his sole care and nor was my mum to have sole care of her EVER (she didn't still doesn't believe me) the reasons why were detailed.

Well done on getting away from her and reaching a happy outcome congrats on baby! Thanks

HelgaDownUnder · 18/06/2021 21:24

Even grandparents trying to intervene on behalf of abused gc struggle to get recognition.

She must be a piece of work to approach you like this. Most abusers go down the wheedling route first. Do you have a partner who can support you through this? Standing up to someone who abused you as a child is incredibly tough.

Peach01 · 18/06/2021 21:25

No she has absolutely no rights to your child. You've been NC for 6 years, don't let her meet your child. She will not gain any if you continue NC and don't allow her near your child. Don't engage with her at all.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 18/06/2021 21:29

As I understand how it works in the UK grandparents have to apply to the court for the right to apply for contact. So she couldn't take you to court. She would have to apply to the court first and convince them that she has a case before she can bring the case for contact. She would never get past that first court application, so you won't ever have to be pulled into court.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 18/06/2021 21:32

She may try to get you into mediation regarding contact. She may even strongly imply that you have to engage in mediation. There is no obligation to engage in mediation, just ignore the request if it comes up.

Babygotblueyes · 18/06/2021 21:33

@MaryB90

Thank you all, thats very reassuring Flowers I will try not to worry, she doesn't know where I live. I have her blocked on SM and she doesn't have my contact number, she reached out through my uncle, who said he was asked to pass this message on and was doing so to warn me. I've told him to not pass on any messages from her anymore and he understood. I don't post anything on SM, I certainly won't be posting any photos of my son once his born.

Just wondering, if she does decide to take me to court, how will she send me court papers if she doesn't know where I live, is there any way her husband can find my address through his work? 🤔

Thank goodness you have support within the family. People are very trackable online but she has no rights and is trying to frighten you. Just stick to your guns and ignore or block contact. congratulations for getting away from such a horrible person and on your new baby.
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