Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Those in a sexless relationship due to partners health condition

42 replies

Dogsandbiscuits · 18/06/2021 17:21

I have read a lot of posts on here about sexless relationships due to other reasons but none about my situation.

I am in a sexless relationship due to my DHs health conditions and am looking for advice from others in a similar situation.
He is a wonderful husband in all other ways and we have an affectionate relationship. He would do anything for me and i often wonder if he is over compensating.
He has diabetes which has given him ED. He also takes antidepressants which lowered his libido to begin with.
He has never taken his diabetes seriously. When he first started suffering with ED I begged him to look after himself to try to prevent it getting worse.. He also smokes and drinks and hasn't stopped.
Consequently his ED progressed to complete non function.
Hes been to the doctor a few times, has been prescribed viagra but even this stopped working after a few times.
I just wondered if anyone else is in the same position.

It doesn't seem to bother him. He has said that we are best friends (which we are) but I just cant imagine my life never having sex again! I'm 43, hes slightly older.
I dont want to leave him, it would seem a pretty shallow reason to do so. I also just dont see him in a sexual way anymore and it has affected my self esteem.
I wondered how others have coped with this. I would say I have accepted it about 90% of the time, but at other times it's very frustrating!!

OP posts:

Holothane · 18/06/2021 17:28

To be honest I have my crushes and masterbate, otherwise I’d go nuts. It’s been this way for years now, it’s hard but what else can I do, to be honest sex was never high on the agenda even in the early days, so I make do. Sounds daft but I have movie nights were I curl up and glow all night. But this doesn’t work for everyone, try and find what works for you. I wish I could offer more support.

undertheblue · 18/06/2021 17:38

I've often wondered about posting as I'm in the same position but I'm the person who can't have intercourse anymore. Extensive medical treatment and operations means I don't have the equipment anymore.

Based on the threads I read I feel like I'm supposed to cast my lovely wonderful husband off and destroy our family so he can have sex with someone else as I physically can't anymore. But our marriage vows were 'in sickness and in health'. I'd love to have sex just like a paraplegic would love to walk but I physically can't now. Does that mean I have to live alone as my punishment?

I often wonder what others do eg spinal injuries, neuro disorders etc. Do all marriages fall apart? Would everyone on here recommend splitting up?

Holothane · 18/06/2021 17:47

No we’re still together, I won’t be leaving marriage in our case is for life.

Lex634412 · 18/06/2021 17:59

@Dogsandbiscuits

I have read a lot of posts on here about sexless relationships due to other reasons but none about my situation. I am in a sexless relationship due to my DHs health conditions and am looking for advice from others in a similar situation. He is a wonderful husband in all other ways and we have an affectionate relationship. He would do anything for me and i often wonder if he is over compensating. He has diabetes which has given him ED. He also takes antidepressants which lowered his libido to begin with. He has never taken his diabetes seriously. When he first started suffering with ED I begged him to look after himself to try to prevent it getting worse.. He also smokes and drinks and hasn't stopped. Consequently his ED progressed to complete non function. Hes been to the doctor a few times, has been prescribed viagra but even this stopped working after a few times. I just wondered if anyone else is in the same position. It doesn't seem to bother him. He has said that we are best friends (which we are) but I just cant imagine my life never having sex again! I'm 43, hes slightly older. I dont want to leave him, it would seem a pretty shallow reason to do so. I also just dont see him in a sexual way anymore and it has affected my self esteem. I wondered how others have coped with this. I would say I have accepted it about 90% of the time, but at other times it's very frustrating!!

I am on the other side of it where I am the one who has a life long illness and depression. My fiancé is so understanding but it definitely gets to him. And it really gets to me too. But I'm in agony 24/7 and my sex drive is super low. I have given him an out so many times as I understand how hard it must be. But I still want to even when we don't. So it may be similar for your partner? My DP and I talk about the issue regularly and try different things to help. I wouldn't say it's sexless but definitely not anywhere near what 2 30 year olds should be. I have bought some toys to see if that helps us. Good luck and don't feel bad for feeling the way you do

MirandaMarple · 18/06/2021 18:02

It's terribly sad that you'd begged him to help himself to avoid it getting worse and he did nothing. Knowing a sex life was important to you?

It's not shallow to think about leaving because there is no sex, it's usually a very big part of a relationship.

Colourmeclear · 18/06/2021 18:04

That must be really difficult, especially if he doesn't take his health seriously. Do you have any sexual contact at all?

Original poster

Dogsandbiscuits · 18/06/2021 19:08

@colourmeclear I think that's my issue. If he had done all he could to prevent it happening, maybe I would be more understanding. He does pleasure me in other ways a couple of times a week, it would just be nice to be able to reciprocate.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dogsandbiscuits · 18/06/2021 19:11

Holothane
undertheblue
59Lex634412
Thank you for sharing your story

OP posts:

Anothernick · 18/06/2021 19:25

He's only in his 40s and his health has already got so poor he's incapable of sex? Leaving aside the effect on your relationship, he's heading for an early grave, does he understand that? Tell him to ask his doctor about his heart risk - for an unfit, drinking and smoking diabetic it would be off the scale. Maybe that will have an impact and if he looks after his health his libido should come back.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 18/06/2021 19:33

OP, not to put too fine a point on it, would he consider a strap-on? I know it's not the same, but if he is willing and able to penetrate and pleasure you in other ways, that's a different situation to having no sexual interaction at all, and may be liveable.

Original poster

Dogsandbiscuits · 18/06/2021 19:38

Yes he does understand that and I'm tired of telling him. I definitely worry about it more than he does.
I know people are probably picturing someone overweight and in bad shape but hes not. If anything hes underweight, and has a physical job so keeps fairly fit. He drinks moderately now, maybe 3 nights a week a couple of beers or 2 glasses of wine.but used to drink a lot more. He smokes only in the evenings maybe 5.

OP posts:

Holothane · 18/06/2021 19:56

If I can help anyone here I will,

randomkey123 · 18/06/2021 20:02

DH has got ED. And with an ongoing serious cardiac issue he can't use viagra or equivalent.

I'm 50 and feel like my sex life is over.

At times, I feel really angry that he's still sat eating junk and doesn't prioritise his health.

newtolineofduty · 18/06/2021 22:06

Such a tough situation OP. It feels that the main issue here is that he maybe doesn't understand how much this is bothering you and isn't quite putting in the same effort to try and 'fix' it eg looking after his health/trying to please you in other ways. That would bother me more that the ED x

Holothane · 18/06/2021 22:26

I do feel for you OP I think my dh was never that interested I’ve never had the honeymoon period ever, with my ex I hated it he was crap anyway, but I used to enjoy with dh, now we’re very good friends love each other but I no longer think of him sexually. The meds and I think him liking anal, I never did it, he just lost interest, my own health hasn’t helped inverted womb, so would need loads of time to warm up and then arthritis. It’s a difficult one isn’t it. Group hug for all of us i this situation.

NiceTwin · 18/06/2021 22:36

Another one here, early 50's, not had a sexual relationship for the best part of 15 years due to ED.
If I think about it too much, it upsets me that my sex life is over, so I don't think about it.
I thank my lucky stars I had great sex and lots of it when I was younger
If I still lived near an ex, I would be sorely tempted to have him as a fwb but thankfully it isn't the case because essentially I wouldn't want to chest on my dh.

DixonD · 18/06/2021 22:42

@undertheblue

I often wonder what others do eg spinal injuries, neuro disorders etc. Do all marriages fall apart? Would everyone on here recommend splitting up?

Not split up, no. But I think if the one who can still have sex would be unhappy without it, they should be permitted to explore an open relationship. I personally think it’s very unfair to expect someone who wants a sex life to go without it for the rest of their lives because their current partner is unable or unwilling.

Sex is really important to some people. If you’re both happy without it, that’s fine. But there other ways to tolerate this situation without separating.

GurlwiththeCurl · 18/06/2021 22:43

I’m in the same situation. Now 64 and we haven’t had a sex life since I was 48! I still miss it so much as DH was a wonderful lover, but he became very ill with a mixture of conditions.

Ironically, I am now really ill too and so I don’t think I could have sex any more. I’m just so sad that we couldn’t take advantage of the menopause - no more contraception!

StarlightLady · 19/06/2021 06:54

I think there is too much emphasis on penetration here. All partners have a tongue in their heads and should be able to learn to use it effectively.

StarlightLady · 19/06/2021 07:02

I hit send too soon, this may not go down well on here, but if a partner was not prepared to try, I would have no hesitation in coming to separate arrangements with a couple of friends (2 would work better) or looking to have my needs met elsewhere.

OverTheRubicon · 19/06/2021 07:15

Before both having to go with a sexless relationship, there are loads of alternatives ways to get pleasure that might work for both parties, or as others have said an open relationship works for some.

It's really selfish for someone to decide unilaterally that if they can't have their preferred type of sex, or they might not reach fulfillment themselves sex now needs to be off the table forever. There should at least be discussions and explorations as a couple first.

WeDontLikeCricket · 19/06/2021 07:31

For me it was the lack of effort to get it sorted on DHs part that changed our relationship. He has never made an effort in any other ways either with our sex life. I just left it as it was soul destroying if I ever instigated and nothing happened, I was early 30s. We are quite a few years on from when the problems started and I am 41 now. I masterbate a fair bit but that doesn't replace that feeling of having someone else want you etc of course.

I know we need to talk but struggling with some other stuff at the moment, it is a killer for your self esteem however I won't be ending the marriage. This is it for me.

WeDontLikeCricket · 19/06/2021 07:39

@starlightlady personally for me PIV is really important a lot of the time, as much as I may enjoy other stuff its just not the same for me. I ended up meeting up with someone else as a one off but its just opened a can of worms rather than helped so we now have another issue to add to the mix off fixing our marriage.

I always thought that if I ever had interest in anyone else then I wouldn't want to be married however my life is with DH and that will be with or without sex I guess. Either way we will stay together as he is the person I want to be married to.

omgthepain · 19/06/2021 07:47

My best friends husband has crohns and had a stoma operation 6 months ago and their daughter is 9;
They haven't been intimate for 5 years but they have a perfectly happy relationship

There is more to life than sex and if you really love them it shouldn't matter

trappedsincesundaymorn · 19/06/2021 07:58

DP was put on new medication several years ago as his old tablets had stopped working and he was having seizures more often. The meds he is on now has killed his libido and he told me that he would understand if I wanted to end our (then) 14 year relationship. Several years on and I am still with him. Not because of any obligation or pity, but because he is a beautiful, kind, gentle man who leaves me in no doubt that he loves me. If going without sex means that he gets to stay alive longer then so be it. The thought of losing him is worse than the thought of never having sex with him again.

Flip

1 2