Strength to leave a porn hound

[MihaelaCW]

Hi all. I'm looking for tips about ending my marriage. I've been married for five years. My husband is a fetishist with a very specific turn on. Long story short, he used porn pretty much very day throughout our marriageable. He used it compulsively in my family home at Christmas. He used it on our honey money (should have left him then...). He lied about it again and a gain and again. After telling him our marriage is almost over, he had a few therapy sessions. He says he's alla different but guess what. He still wanks to fetishist porn every bloody day, i saw him do it just yesterday. He can perform sexually but anything that isn't fetish isn't exciting so we've been having little sex (1-2 a month) and it's been mediocre. He's otherwise an OK husband and a kind person, but I know I won't ever be enough for him him and I don't want want to spend the next 40 years seeing him masturbate to 20 year old rolling in food and mud (that's the fetish). I've had enough. Unfortunately the other men I dated before him also had fetishes, they just didn't hide them that well, so I'm preparing mentally to spend the rest of my life alone (I'm turning 30 this year). Any advice on preparing for for divorce masturbate having the strength to go through with it? It'll entail a lot of emotions and we own a house together (which I furbished singles handedly) .

Haha apologies about the embarrassing typos. My phone loves autocorrect and I still haven't had my morning coffee! Honey money is obviously meant to read 'honeymoon'.

LTB

He spent Christmas wanking at your parents' house? And it doesn't sound like you've got kids?

This should be relatively easy.

Urgh.

I split up with someone who had a fetish a couple years ago. It absolutely dominated our relatiosnship and ruined my self esteem. I've taken some time out and dated casually and realised that it isn't all men, we've just been unlucky. I'm also turning 30 this year. We have plenty of time ahead of us, don't waste your life!

We had a mortgage etc together too, it was hard leaving but best decision I made. I am miles happier now without the constant anxiety of wondering if he will change and we could have a normal sex life

Why would you think you will be alone for the rest of your life? Your not even 30! So young!

Anyway, life is too short to put up with this shit and okish sex. Ltb

Oh my, that sounds bad OP, I’m really sorry.

You are asking for steps to end your marriage, contacting a solicitor would be first step. do your research, spend some time going over finances, different scenario planning. If there is assets to be divided etc. The hard part for me was the conversation, the telling someone I want to split, but it sounds like you’ve broached this subject before. You have a good reason to leave. And even if you didn’t, it is your right to leave any marriage that you do not want to be in. But be prepared for any reaction, and plan well.
X

That is unbearable. Don't put yourself through another minute.

If you want to be alone, be alone, but it does not have to be that way at all. You're still young and I would wager you have your best years ahead of you.

I've never been with a man with a fetish to be honest! Preferences/fantasies is one thing but your husband is off the scale. It's affecting his daily life and therefore yours.

Seriously, start packing, so you can start living (pack his stuff obvs, not yours)

I was married to someone with a fetish, a real, all consuming fetish. I think people don’t always understand what a fetish is because it’s an over used word, but it’s an obsession, they don’t get turned on by anything but the fetish, and they don’t care who is involved in it. My husbands was for latex. He couldn’t climax unless latex was involved, and I had to basically lie there like I was dead, so I didn’t put him off 🙄 It’s completely unhealthy, selfish and incomparable in a relationship unless you happen to meet someone else with the same fetish.

I would leave, he’s not relationship material.

Thank you. We don't have children (I don't think I want any). We do have a mortgage together. If you met him, you'd never suspect this. He's otherwise a friendly and well liked guy.

What is keeping you with this man?

@HollowTalk well, we've been together for many years, in other areas of life he's actually ok. He's really not a bad person. If he was a total dick, that would make things easier. We've built a life, bought a house. It's all going to waste because he just can't help his urges

Having a fetish isn’t a choice but how you act on it most certainly is.

He can be a friendly and well-liked guy and also absolutely not the right husband for you.

It's telling that his fetish makes your marriage all about him and what gets him off. There's nothing about what you want and pleasing you.

So this is basically an addiction issue although the fact that it is porn adds an extra dimension of exploitation that I wouldn't be able to ignore. Does he see it as a problem? Does he want to change?

But you said 'he's an ok husband'.

OK? Don't you think you deserve better than just ok?

Fundamentally you're not sexually compatible. That is an excellent reason to end a relationship.

He can be a nice person, and also have sexual tastes that don't include you, that you don't enjoy, or you don't want to be around.

Why bother wasting the energy on feeling distaste, when you could spend it on making your life what you want it to be.

He doesn't have to be a bad person for you to justify leaving him. He just has to not be right for you which it sounds like he isn't.

At the moment you're unhappy and unfulfilled. (He probably is as well.) Why not split up, and you can then put both you and him in a position where you could both find happiness elsewhere? Focusing on the benefits of the future can be a good way to navigate the painful short-term tasks of the present.

As the previous poster said, he can be in nice person in all other ways but that still doesn't make him the right person for you spend the rest of your life with. It's a big part of who he is and it hurts you. You are incompatible. Leaving doesn't undo the good times you did have. Leaving will fee terribly sad but not as sad as staying.

OP, I will leave my H at some point when I have saved enough to put 6 months down on a rental through porn use— in his case it’s lesbian stuff and amateur stuff daily- sometimes twice a day- he doesn’t know that I know - I have found I simply don’t like even undressing with someone who is busy getting off to other woman’s tits and fannies every day. Like you, he’s not a bad bloke, but I can’t live with anyone whose interest is this minging sleazy shit is anything more than ‘occasional’

He does know my opinion on it though

@Crikeyalmighty we should start a sad club. I'm also saving up and putting my ducks in a row. He does know I mind. We've had a few big showdowns. The most recent was a couple of months ago when I caught him again. He cried, said he can't face losing me, hates the pain in my eyes and he'd have therapy. He has now finished therapy, and nothing has changed. He can wank twice a day to women on the Internet and his fetish, but is reluctant to have sex more than once a month. It's such an insult. I'm not a super model, but I work out, I'm size 10 and he keeps saying he does find me attractive (... Obviously not enough tho!). I've had a hard childhood and I thought I finally found someone to be happy with, someone who wouldn't constantly hurt me. He clearly treats this as a game. He thinks he's winning but he doesn't know I know its still going on. There are a few things I need to get done before I can make a move and apply for a divorce.

Mind finds me attractive too - problem is I don’t him (even though he is) because to me attraction is both physical and mental. In our case he has created a viscious circle- by constantly watching this shit I don’t feel romantically/sexually attracted. I know full well if I ‘come iut’ And tell him he will say he will stop- but he won’t- he will just hide it better, so I would rather know what I’m dealing with and leave on my terms.

You're so right. They won't stop. No amount of counselling will remove a fetish. The fact that he's weak isn't helping. It's like trying to "pray to gay awsy"-pure denial. I wish I had been brave enough to leave him years ago when this habit first came to light. I married him under false pretences.

He's doing it right now. Wow. I feel sick and so so stupid. There's no pause.

I couldn't live with that, his behaviour is hideous. Xx