Am I right to end this or would it be throwing toys out of the pram?

[Florhalsf]

I know this will sound silly compared so many things that happen to much longer term relationships. But I met someone a few months ago and fell hard for him. After dating for years and years, I finally thought I had found the right person. The first date was great. We can talk for hours and hours. We laugh so much at the same things. We have the same outlook on life. I was just so so happy with him. I couldn’t believe I had met someone like him.

He’s never had much time, he’s a researcher and spends long days and often weekends in labs. I’ve always been ok with this but all these months later I feel shit that he only can just about manage two nights a week together. Recently because of his workload it’s been meeting late Sunday, 6pm and staying until Tuesday but he doesn’t get back from work until 8pm ish Monday. I don’t see him much.

He will be in contact daily but I don’t feel like he’s desperate to get in touch. I can’t explain it he just feels distant sometimes.

He says he can’t go on a mini break with me or even organise it because he needs to finish this project before thinking of anything else. He’s said that could take him until autumn.

Aside from this we fit really well. I don’t know if I’m right to end it or if I’m being unreasonable.

Maybe tell him to get in touch when he's got more time to see you? There doesn't seem much point at the moment - you could even say it was just a booty call, really, if you're hardly spending any time together.

Next time you see him have a conversation about what you both want and where you see it heading. Waiting a couple of months for someone you fell hard for doesn’t seem long.

What ideally would you want from the relationship? It does seem extreme that he can’t take any time off at all!

Does he have friends & family he sees? How does he manage that?

@LawnFever I guess doing something nice at the weekend, a walk or lunch or museum. Staying over together for a third night. Organising a mini break would make me happier, something to look forward to together.

To be fair he doesn’t see anyone else either. He’s quite tunnel vision with the work.

It wouldn't be throwing your toys out of the pram - that implies you overreacting about something petty. You would be making a decision that you want more than he can give you right now.

Having said that, personally I'd be ok with this if I really liked him. I'm happy with a slow start!

I'd back off from having two nights together, as it's basically just sleeping together, (fun as that might be ).

If he's not willing to make a bit of time for you, then you're right he's not really invested. He's getting his end away twice a week and making minimal effort.

The stuff you accept at the beginning of a relationship sets the stage for the rest of it.

The chances are "jam tomorrow" will never come - he'll have another project or whatever.

So I wouldn't necessarily chuck him, but I'd say "this doesn't feel right to me, I want more out of this than us sharing a bed, and we haven't been going out long enough for you to make so little effort."

He doesn't have time for a relationship. I'd end it and move on.

Why does he need to spend the weekend in labs? I would have thought a researcher would be more Monday to Friday (I am not in this field so could be totally wrong).

The Sunday evening and Monday evening only doesn’t sound great, but autumn is not too far away. I would either see what happens or have a chat about how time will work once he has finished this piece of work.

Are you sure he's single? It's just that being unavailable at the weekend and showing up Sunday night, staying Monday is a bit strange.

Does he ever stay any other night?

He sounds like someone with a vocation, rather than work. He's dedicated to his work & it's a no doubt high pressure environment with a lot to get done.

I was lucky to have a career I loved too, it took up a huge amount of my time & was always on my mind, but I loved it. I more lived to work, than worked to live & your man sounds to be very much the same. His distance likely has nothing to do with you at all, he just has other priorities atm & has his head buried in work.

I get that crumbs might not be enough for you & that's perfectly fine, but do talk to him & if you can accept his dedication & love of his work as part of who he is & the rest of it makes up for that, then there's no reason not to carry on once you've cleared the air with him. Do talk & decide from there. Your feelings are valid, but so is his love & pressure with his work.

People tend to do what they want to do.
Somehow he managed to find the time to date. Was the first time you met late Sunday or Monday?

I wouldn't waste anymore time on him. You don't go anywhere or do anything other than 2 overnights of sex per week.

Progressing a relationship with a possible workaholic may not be a good plan, frankly.

@Aprilx

Why does he need to spend the weekend in labs? I would have thought a researcher would be more Monday to Friday (I am not in this field so could be totally wrong).

The Sunday evening and Monday evening only doesn’t sound great, but autumn is not too far away. I would either see what happens or have a chat about how time will work once he has finished this piece of work.

He could be nursing micro beasties in Petrie dishes or some such. My sister did oncology research for a while and was always popping in at weekends to check on her cell cultures.

@category12

I'd back off from having two nights together, as it's basically just sleeping together, (fun as that might be ).

If he's not willing to make a bit of time for you, then you're right he's not really invested. He's getting his end away twice a week and making minimal effort.

The stuff you accept at the beginning of a relationship sets the stage for the rest of it.

The chances are "jam tomorrow" will never come - he'll have another project or whatever.

So I wouldn't necessarily chuck him, but I'd say "this doesn't feel right to me, I want more out of this than us sharing a bed, and we haven't been going out long enough for you to make so little effort."

@category12 he never ever pushes for sex at all, he’s very respectful and the last two weeks I haven’t felt like it and he’s still wanted to see me and there’s zero pressure in that way. So I don’t think it’s just about him getting sex, from his perspective

@RantyAnty

People tend to do what they want to do. Somehow he managed to find the time to date. Was the first time you met late Sunday or Monday?

I wouldn't waste anymore time on him. You don't go anywhere or do anything other than 2 overnights of sex per week.

@RantyAnty no we did used to do things over weekends, it’s just his work has now ramped up and he’s supervising students also for if phds and they come in at weekends etc. He does offer to have dinner and stay over at mine Saturday night but then we don’t see each other Sunday night as he has to work late to account for the Saturday afternoon/evening and Sunday morning having been taken up!

@HellonHeels

Are you sure he's single? It's just that being unavailable at the weekend and showing up Sunday night, staying Monday is a bit strange.

Does he ever stay any other night?

@HellonHeels definitely single yes

I’ve been him - when I was finishing my PhD, I worked all hours for six months. I barely saw my partner at the time, who lived 200 miles away. It was hard, and there’s always something with academia. If you want to see him more than this, it probably won’t happen easily. I still work weekends here abd there, and late nights and have to cancel plans at the last minute.

It’s not throwing toys out the pram if it’s not the relationship you want, no matter how lovely he is.

I wouldn't end it just yet, a couple of months in and seeing each other twice a week seems normal to me. See how it goes until autumn and if he wants to make plans for a mini break then.

I just feel like it’s mostly me trying to make sure we are ok. He does initiate contact but it’s hardly lots of phone calls and loving messages. We told each other we loved each other a few weeks back and he’s never said it since! Even when I’ve said it from time to time he just doesn’t respond

he never ever pushes for sex at all, he’s very respectful and the last two weeks I haven’t felt like it and he’s still wanted to see me and there’s zero pressure in that way. So I don’t think it’s just about him getting sex, from his perspective

Well OK, maybe it's not just sex but the rest still stands, doesn't it? He's not making an effort, your time together is short with minimal effort on his part and you don't feel great about the relationship.

And I do believe that how you start off your relationship sets the stage for the rest of it.

It's really difficult to reset expectations from come over for a kip when it suits and don't bother much in between, to what you actually want in a relationship. After all, you were happy enough to start with, why are you shifting the goalposts? I've always worked this much. I never said it would change when we had kids, you know how important my work is.

I think it’s fairly straightforward. He’s probably not a total arsehole, he’s just a massive workaholic and has already shown you what his priorities are. Now it’s up to you if you’re willing to accept a relationship of crumbs. It doesn’t sound like this is enough for you, which it wouldn’t be for most people.

I’d tell him it’s not enough and respectfully end things, unless he’s got a very clear plan of when and how things will change. The reality though - it’s likely he will have multiple projects just like this one ahead. It won’t be just this one project.

A lot of academics are like this. You need single minded focus to get on in academia. You live from grant to grant and you are only as good as your last paper. If he has PhD students then I guess he is quite senior eg a lecturer. He may never change. After this project there will be another one. If you want more than he is able to give then you should probably move on rather than futilely trying to change him.

@HellonHeels

Are you sure he's single? It's just that being unavailable at the weekend and showing up Sunday night, staying Monday is a bit strange.

Does he ever stay any other night?

I was thinking the same!

He arrives Sunday night, stays over, goes to work Monday, arrives back late on Monday night and stays over again.

So you see him two nights a week and no days?

Are you sure he isn’t just ‘working away from home’ twice a week? Sunday and Monday nights!
It would explain why he is unavailable at every other time!

You’re already unhappy with the situation and you’ve only been together a short while, can you imagine the resentment after years of it.
If I were you I’d move onto someone who can give you the time you want.