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Relationships

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Original poster

Am I right to end this or would it be throwing toys out of the pram?

45 replies

Florhalsf · 17/06/2021 19:07

I know this will sound silly compared so many things that happen to much longer term relationships. But I met someone a few months ago and fell hard for him. After dating for years and years, I finally thought I had found the right person. The first date was great. We can talk for hours and hours. We laugh so much at the same things. We have the same outlook on life. I was just so so happy with him. I couldn’t believe I had met someone like him.

He’s never had much time, he’s a researcher and spends long days and often weekends in labs. I’ve always been ok with this but all these months later I feel shit that he only can just about manage two nights a week together. Recently because of his workload it’s been meeting late Sunday, 6pm and staying until Tuesday but he doesn’t get back from work until 8pm ish Monday. I don’t see him much.

He will be in contact daily but I don’t feel like he’s desperate to get in touch. I can’t explain it he just feels distant sometimes.

He says he can’t go on a mini break with me or even organise it because he needs to finish this project before thinking of anything else. He’s said that could take him until autumn.

Aside from this we fit really well. I don’t know if I’m right to end it or if I’m being unreasonable.

OP posts:

HaplotypeK · 18/06/2021 07:39

Yeah, no.

Fuck that.

Why would you want a relationship where you almost never see each other and neither of you is bothered about sex?

ballsdeep · 18/06/2021 07:42

It sounds like he's in another relationship and is fitting you around her

Dozer · 18/06/2021 07:44

Your OP sets out some things that early on you assumed/hoped, eg ‘we have the same outlook on life’ that don’t seem to have been borne out by the real experience of dating him.

Seeing him a couple of times a week isn’t as much as you would like, and he presumably won’t increase it. So the relationship will either go at a slow pace, or you’ll decide to end it.

Shelddd · 18/06/2021 07:44

I don't know. I've been with my partner for like 10 years now. The first year we lived about an hour and a half away from each other so saw each other probably only like 2-3 weekends a month. Moved in after a year and haven't spent anytime apart since then.

It's just been a couple months and a couple day a week is perfectly normal to see each other at this point in time.

Mmmcheese89 · 18/06/2021 08:06

When this project is done, he'll be into the next phase of his research.

I'm a scientist, not in research anymore but I can guarantee, 2 nights a week, consecutively, is as good as it gets unless you live together. And even then it's not much better.

You'll always come second because people don't go into research on a whim. It's because they're driven and can see a very important end goal. It's also why he's such a good guy, because he's trying to make a difference in the shitty world we live in.

TheSunShinesBright · 18/06/2021 08:11

Does OP say what he is ‘researching’?
Not sure we can automatically assume his scientific activities are for the good of all mankind. 😬

Paq · 18/06/2021 08:37

@TheSunShinesBright

Does OP say what he is ‘researching’?
Not sure we can automatically assume his scientific activities are for the good of all mankind. 😬

Indeed. He could be testing nail polish on beagles...

Mmmcheese89 · 18/06/2021 09:00

Not in the UK (of course assume the ops location). Cosmetic testing has been illegal here for a long time. One hopes he's researching something beneficial, if not I'd sack him off for that alone.

Paq · 18/06/2021 09:20

@Mmmcheese89

Not in the UK (of course assume the ops location). Cosmetic testing has been illegal here for a long time. One hopes he's researching something beneficial, if not I'd sack him off for that alone.

Harsh 😀 my sister went from oncology research to working for Big Pharma. I still send her the odd Christmas card.

berrylands · 18/06/2021 09:33

Researcher here. That's how things are. If he wants a career in Academia he'll never have a 40 hours a week job.
If it doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for you.

MMmomDD · 18/06/2021 10:07

A few nights a week is normal in the early relationship.
But - in general - you seem to want someone with a lot more time and attention dedicated to you, so maybe he isn’t right for you.

Of course you did mention that you dated for years and haven’t found what you are looking for.
So - in your place - I’d also do some introspection and see what’s what. Which parts of relationship is actually important and what comes from insecurities. It’s not always possible to meet the ‘ideal’ partner. So - see what you are willing to prioritise.
(The reason I mention insecurities is the way you mentioned ‘I love yous’…… as in - we said it and he hasn’t said it again, etc. You seem to need a lot of confirmation and it sounds needy. People are different and not everybody is constantly saying it - as for some people saying it all the time diminishes it’s meaning. Being in a relationship requires working with how both people are and finding a balance that works. If possible

Mmmcheese89 · 18/06/2021 10:25

No problem with big pharma, they have an important role in improving healthcare. I meant more along the lines of researching and developing weapons or agricultural equipment that improves production at the cost of animal welfare. Nice to know your sister is still worthy of the Christmas card list. Lol

Naunet · 18/06/2021 10:26

People who don’t have time for a relationship, shouldn’t be trying to date, it’s selfish and not fair on the other person.

If I was you, I’d tell him to get back in touch once he actually has time to peruse things, and start seeing other people in the meantime.

HaplotypeK · 18/06/2021 10:33

I always wondered how people end up in those sexless marriages, but if you're not even bothered about having sex with each other after a few months, that's how.

Wallywobbles · 18/06/2021 10:34

My knowledge of researchers is it is all consuming. My DH works as an engineer for nuclear researchers. During an experiment they are in the lab 72h straight. And the build up and after experiment are really intense too.

Depending on the discipline experiments might last up to 3 weeks. DH is on call every night for weeks so no quality sleep. The stress means he gets seriously grumpy. And he's not even the researcher.

Callisto1 · 18/06/2021 10:49

I also think there are no sinister reasons why you see him so little. He is busy with work and has a lot of responsibility with the PhD students he tutors. If you are the kind of person who likes a lot of attention and company then you are probably incompatible long term.

Even if you live together the situation would not change much. He would probably spend most evening working. I know I am married to someone like that

You could look at the positives. This sort of set up gives you a lot of time and freedom to do your own thing!

Hsurbbrb · 18/06/2021 10:56

I’ve been with me oh for 16 years, we have 3 children together and he works away. At most he’s home for 1 week out of 4, right now we see him 2 days a month. If you can’t handle his working hours then this relationship isn’t for you.

Hsurbbrb · 18/06/2021 11:10

@Naunet

People who don’t have time for a relationship, shouldn’t be trying to date, it’s selfish and not fair on the other person.

If I was you, I’d tell him to get back in touch once he actually has time to peruse things, and start seeing other people in the meantime.

Your opinion of how much time people should spend together in a relationship is not going to be the same an everyone else’s.They’ve not known each other long. He contacts her every single day, spends two nights a week with her and even arranges his weekend workload around whether she’d rather have dinner with him on Saturday or a sleepover on Sunday. He’s not lied about his dedication to his job, and it sounds like he’s arranging all of his free time around the op. I can’t blame him for not wanting to dedicate an extra night or take time off when it’s inconvenient to book a holiday to suit a new girlfriend.

category12 · 18/06/2021 12:29

It's not sinister but what is the mistake is to go along with something not meeting your needs/expectations, fooling yourself it'll get better when "this project" is over or whatever.

It's early days in a relationship to be turning up late in the evenings for some pseudo-domesticity for a couple of nights a week, and not making effort or planning anything nice together.

ChristmasFluff · 18/06/2021 14:50

I'd love a horse, and to ride whenever I want.

But I don't have time to muck out, or feed, or groom one. It would be really selfish of me to get a horse in that situation - all about what I wanted, and no care for the horse. So I don't have a horse.

This man cannot have a relationship whilst he has this job. What you have at the moment isn't a relationship, you are having him for a weekly sleep-over.

You aren't throwing anything away

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