Partner has shot my confidence

[Makhiaman]

My partner has always been just focused on weight and bodies etc. I put on a lot of weight when I had my first and have been a size 12 for the last 5 years since then (as opposed to the size 8 I was before that).

During lockdown I decided to try and lose the weight so I worked really hard and managed to shed 2 stone and felt great. Everyone is complimenting me, My confidence had massively improved and I was just an all round happier person. It was all going amazingly until I fell quite badly ill around a month ago and stopped dieting as much and working out (zero energy) I’ve managed to only gain 1lb back in that time though luckily.

Last night I got out of the shower (naked) and went around Dp’s side of the bed to get my creams etc and he was sat in bed staring at my body, I thought he was going to say something nice but instead he came out with ‘your legs are getting fat again’ I was shocked he said it and he paused and said ‘you really should be keeping an eye on your weight, have you weighed yourself lately? What do you weigh now? You’re definitely getting fat again’

I haven’t spoken to him since and I’m really, deeply hurt.

I know I sound pathetic being so down about this but I can’t look at him the same way since. I can’t imagine ever being comfortable enough to be naked infront of him again. I felt like I was finally gaining my confidence back and felt good in myself and now I just feel so worthless and shit.

We’ve been together 10 years, 2 children.. he’s said some hurtful things before but this has really hit deep. I felt despised by him, to look at my naked body and just have that to say just really hurts.

Do I need to get a grip?

The only possible reason he could have made that comment was to hurt you and / or bring your confidence down. He's obviously not happy that people are complimenting you and would rather you fel grateful to have him. Is that how you would treat another person? Let alone someone you're meant to love. I'd suggest you make clear to him that you aren't hurt because you believe his comment - you know that he was talking rubbish - but you're hurt that he's capable of being so unkind and ridiculous.

Well done on your weight loss OP, 2 stone from a size 12 is no mean feat, you must have worked bloody hard at that.

As others have said, your DP was acting like a total dick. What he said was completely unacceptable. Only you can really tell if you think he was trying to be helpful (and TOTALLY fucking it up) or not. I think not I'm afraid, because you've said he's said other hurtful things, and because of his non-apology when you called him on it. If I'd tried the tough love tactic, and fucked it up, I would be so apologetic, and I would be trying hard to fix it. I see none of that from him in your posts.

I don't have an answer but I just wanted to say I know how you feel my DP is like this. My body shape has changed through menopause and I know he is not happy about it.

I just feel so worthless and shit why? You have worth whatever your size and shape and don’t let him decide your worth for you. To be honest he sounds like a boring fucker “working out to an obsessive level” and I suspect he knows his shortcomings which is why he needs to destabilise you (as others have said). All these compliments, your emerging confidence - no, he can’t have that. It’s got to be contained, nipped in the bud. This was not said to help you, it was said to keep you in place.

You don’t need to get a grip but you do need to bite back and if this isn’t an isolated incident, decide whether this is the kind of behaviour you should continue to put up with. I also agree with @AgentJohnson - I suspect you can never quite win and never quite get his wholehearted support and endorsement can you? You deserve better

I would think it’s more a case of you looking really good and him trying to ruin it for you by keeping you small and with crap self esteem. It’s so you don’t realise what a shit he is and bugger off.

Horrible

Is this the man you think is going to support you all the way through menopause and old age? I think not. Looking out for you? My great big wobbly beautiful arse! He is 'negging' you.

(Congratulations on your achievement, don't let him take that away from you).

No you don't need to get a grip op.

What he said was cruel. I'm sure he does look good and fit, but he's not had 2 kids and an illness. He should be looking out for your health and mental health, not your weight. Horrid individual

How fucking dare he!!

You must be devastated op I'm so sorry.
Huge well done on your weight loss. You should feel fantastic. It's really sad you can't enjoy the body you've worked so hard for

I hope your illness mends sooner than you think and you find the strength to leave him

Hand hold

Well he's a nasty piece of shit and no mistake. I wouldn't put up with that, its so horrible and unkind! I dream of being a size twelve, let alone two stone lighter, your partner should be proud of you, not insulting you. Fucking arsehole, men like this really piss me off!

@StormBaby

I would think it’s more a case of you looking really good and him trying to ruin it for you by keeping you small and with crap self esteem. It’s so you don’t realise what a shit he is and bugger off.

This. OP, if you've lost two stone off a size 12 body, you must be remarkably super-svelte. Now he's negging you to destabilise you and make sure you never feel good enough.

How soon can you ditch this deadweight?

Curious about how much time he spends looking after the children in comparison to in the gym

You don't need to get a grip. You need to get a good divorce lawyer

And he needs to get some fucking manners the nasty little shit

He sounds like an absolute bastard OP. You say you've spent 10 years together.. Imagine 10 more years of this shit.. Then another 10 and so on.. You deserve better

I'm surprised no one has pulled you up on giving him the silent treatment. If a partner does that to an OP its immediately labelled abusive.

Hes so far out of line though. He must think rather a lot of himself to believe that his opinion on your size is relevant. He's shot himself in the foot really because as you say you can't imagine getting naked in front of him again, so no sex for him. Idiot.

Hes a controlling nasty bully and you deserve better.

I'm sorry if I upset you.

If? No, you did and you know it.

Tosser.

@Makhiaman brilliant news on your weight loss. Well done you!

And with regard to your partner's comment, know that when you make someone else responsible for how you feel, you're giving your power away. When you own your responsibility for how you feel you step into your power.

Do you want to believe his comment? Does it serve you?
Or do you want to believe that you are looking after yourself and that you are beautiful exactly as you are right now?

@Makhiaman

I'm with @Umberellatheweatha !!

He's a shallow, nasty little man, who is trying to take you 'down a peg or two' simply because he's jealous of the positive attention you've been getting IMO !

What he said was designed to 'undo' your newfound confidence and zest for life ! Do NOT let him succeed in undermining you !

Unless he is some bloody Bronzed Adonis who has firstly squeezed a basketball into his stomach until his skin stretched till it feels like bursting, then pushed a fucking Canteloupe melon out of his penis, then made to work 20hr days for months while blindly 'supporting' his partner (who, no doubt, would be sleeping 8hrs a night and still having a bloody social life !) and then been told ''Your getting fat you know ! And have you seen your arse ? Your arse is getting saggy, it's really horrible ! Ewww''

Why the hell do men think it's somehow OK to try to body shame their partners ?? Do they really think that by some magic trick they have been spared the effects of ageing and bloody gravity ??

Tell him that the mere sight of his now dangly, low hanging testicles puts you off your food,, so will he please give you a quick flash to help you maintain your diet ??

I really, really hate these kinds of men.

What are they going to be like when menopause hits (when lots of women put on weight), or when the 'crows feet' are round your eyes, or when your bunions show through your shoes, or when the liver spots appear on your hands and face ?? etc etc

It's these 'image obsessed' types who then chuck the missus out, without any trace of guilt, and get new, younger replacements.

Then they get all ''woe is me'' when the younger replacements dump them because they've passed that 'sweet spot' of older but 'ruggedly handsome', and try to 'reconcile' with the dumped Ex wife (because no-one else wants them anymore, now that they are 'too old' !!)

Well done on the weight loss ditch him as well as the weight x

I'd just ask when he turned into such a bimbo. So shallow, so undeserving of your respect. Wear your curves with pride, remind him that there are plenty of men out there that would treat you with love and respect and he had better up his game.

I hate to do the Mumsnet LTB so instead I'll say BHO. Bin him off, he sounds like a shitbag.

I'm trying to lose weight at the moment and every time the scale goes down by even a pound DP acts like I've just run a marathon.

What a pathetic man.

How much does he weigh op? Cos that's how much I recon you need to lose.

He is a cunty cunt from No. 1 Cunt Street, Cunt Town, Cunt.