Partner has shot my confidence

[Makhiaman]

My partner has always been just focused on weight and bodies etc. I put on a lot of weight when I had my first and have been a size 12 for the last 5 years since then (as opposed to the size 8 I was before that).

During lockdown I decided to try and lose the weight so I worked really hard and managed to shed 2 stone and felt great. Everyone is complimenting me, My confidence had massively improved and I was just an all round happier person. It was all going amazingly until I fell quite badly ill around a month ago and stopped dieting as much and working out (zero energy) I’ve managed to only gain 1lb back in that time though luckily.

Last night I got out of the shower (naked) and went around Dp’s side of the bed to get my creams etc and he was sat in bed staring at my body, I thought he was going to say something nice but instead he came out with ‘your legs are getting fat again’ I was shocked he said it and he paused and said ‘you really should be keeping an eye on your weight, have you weighed yourself lately? What do you weigh now? You’re definitely getting fat again’

I haven’t spoken to him since and I’m really, deeply hurt.

I know I sound pathetic being so down about this but I can’t look at him the same way since. I can’t imagine ever being comfortable enough to be naked infront of him again. I felt like I was finally gaining my confidence back and felt good in myself and now I just feel so worthless and shit.

We’ve been together 10 years, 2 children.. he’s said some hurtful things before but this has really hit deep. I felt despised by him, to look at my naked body and just have that to say just really hurts.

Do I need to get a grip?

Disgusting and totally unacceptable to say to you. Sounds like you deserve better x

Those comments were unhelpful, judgemental, and unsupportive. That's not being a caring partner, who is 'looking out for you'.

What's with apologising 'if' his comments upset you. He knows very bloody well they did. Own your words and their effect on the woman who bore your children, you weasel.

I would be so tempted to say You know, I think your penis is definitely shrinking. It's nowhere near as good as it used to be. Why do you think that is? Can you do anything about it? And then I'd tell him I was just looking out for him.

But it's probably easier to just end the relationship.

Your confidence would be massively improved if you didn't live with a shallow twat.

@Makhiaman

Yes I told him that I found his comments hurtful, he claimed he was looking out for me.

I’ve ignored him all day and he text me when I was out apologising if he’s upset me and saying he was an idiot but I haven’t replied and I won’t be speaking to him today.

He does have a good body, he works out to an almost obsessive level. I did too when we met but then life got in the way post children and I had other priorities.

Sadly not an illness Im unlikely to fully recover from illness anytime soon so I need him around a lot at the moment, that’s making it harder. I don’t want to look at him or sleep in the same bed as him but I have no other choice.

It hurts to think he might not like me, or even hate me. We’ve shared the last 10 years of our lives together.

Sounds like he may have some deep seated boy image problems.

It doesn't excuse what he said to you but at least he's apologised and realised he was an idiot.

I think it says a lot about his own insecurities and he probably needs to grow up but I don't think it means he hates you.

He deliberately said those things to make you feel shit about yourself.

I agree completely. This is totally deliberate, to knock you down a few pegs.

*body image

Freudian slip

He sounds painfully shallow

Wow you must be really slim? What are you a size eight now?

Even if you were a twelve he was trying to put you down and hurt you. It was not about yout legs, you know you’re not fat. He was trying to hurt you

The question is why?

Tell him he's an ugly prick what a tosser

Sorry Op, you are married to a narcissistic cunt who hasn't actually apologised at all. "Sorry if I upset you " is shifting the focus back on to you. That's not a proper apology? It wouldn't matter to me what he said now.
This is the type of bloke who will have an affair down the gym and blame his Missus for getting fat legs. Twat.

He's insecure because you've lost weight and people are commenting. He's putting you down because he's worried you're getting attention. He should be praising you instead. I would be getting more space from him.

@nolovelost

He's insecure because you've lost weight and people are commenting. He's putting you down because he's worried you're getting attention. He should be praising you instead. I would be getting more space from him.

I agree with this.

If my husband said that to me I would ask him to leave. That is just uncalled for.
Sorry you are in the position to have to stay with this person, he sounds vile.

I'm willing to bet this isn't the only way in which he's a prick to you.

Yes, you need to get a grip. A grip of his balls and squeeze til his eyes pop out and then guide him to the door and dropkick him to the kerb. I'm sorry but you've got a dick of a partner, you've been ill and he's criticising your figure?? Unfortunately I can't see him changing so please stand up for yourself, put yourself first and be prepared to dump him if his behaviour continues.

Nasty piece of work who is clearly invested in you having low self-esteem. That’s emotional abuse. It’s not love if conditional on you meeting some mythical standard.

Do not waste the next 10 years of your life with such a man. Do not get bogged down here on your sunk costs.

Ditch this deadweight around your neck, he basically does this because he can and he is not sorry. He will be thinking the same re his children, particularly if you have girls.

He sounds like my ex, OP - and believe me when I say this: you deserve so much better than someone who makes you feel like shite. Someone who does that to you, doesn't really love you. They love the idea of you, the image of you, the thought of you... but not you, the whole package you.

Fucking hell. I'd kill to be a size 12. I am a size 16 and my new fella is always telling me how great my body is.

he’s said some hurtful things before.

Like what? We call all scream that he’s a shallow bastard but you’ve known this for some time. I think you were hoping that your weight loss would impress him and now you realise that it hasn’t.

Where to go from here? Focus on how you feel about yourself and for that, you’re going to have to separate how you feel about yourself from what he says about you. For what it’s worth, I think he’s been incredibly clumsy in trying to motivate you to lose weight, all you can do is be very clear that you aren’t motivated by his statements. The only thing he’s succeeded in doing, is making you feel less than and making you question your relationship.

I've gone from a size 8/10 to a 14.., I feel hideous and my confidence is at rock bottom..

However my partner is so so supportive! He's an athlete and works out a lot! He still thinks I'm hot! He's supporting me losing weight etc but only because it matters to me!

This was just pure nastiness on your partners part IMO!

Hope you're ok OP!

You aren't pathetic at all. He sounds like a horrible spiteful prick

I would put a really good photo of yourself on fb and say my dh says I'm getting fat what does everyone think?
He'll be rightly shown up for the nasty, shallow man he is.

Im so sorry to read this..

OP you did amazingly well, you focus on your wellbeing then your fitness...

He is a horrid swine

I’ve found men who work out a lot to the point of obsession (unless they need to
Lose a ton of weight) are often very shallow individuals— I’m sorry but that’s utterly unacceptable- I would want him grovelling for weeks after saying that

I would have shot back with some derogatory comment about his knob being shrivelled/unimpressive/a massive let down etc - not the most mature response, but still!

He's basically an arsehole.