Update from Emotional Affair post

[ChiChi16]

I thought I would post an update just in case anyone was / is interested in knowing what is going on.
DH has stopped talking to me completely, he works in the spare room and sleeps there too, occasionally he will go out to watch football at his friends house.
OW called him to say she made up her 'suicide' attempt and that she did it because she wanted to get out of this mess - I don't know if her 'suicide' attempt was real or not, i suspect it was not because she was in work the following day. OW called me to tell me she has told him she no longer wants to speak to him and that they keep any contact they have at work as professional.
A few days later, while attempting to talk to DH (he does not even look at me when i speak to him, he carrys on working on his laptop) I told him OW said her suicide attempt was fake and she had told him, he said he didn't recall her saying this and told me to stop talking to her. I asked him how he could not recall a conversation like this and then he said he did recall it but didn't want to talk about it. This was about a week ago and he's not really spoken to me since - other than to say he is going out etc.
I don't know what to do now, I seem to be stuck in some kind of limbo where the days are rolling on and nothing is happening.
I've asked him to leave but he just tells me he will when he finds somewhere to live - i dont think he is even looking.
He knows I still love him (I am a big idiot). I think he wants to live a life where we both live in the same house but are separated...can this work when one person is still in love and wants to give the marriage another chance?
I feel i am weak and can't function properly, one day i am OK and the next - like today, I am a wreck.
How do i move on? I really am confused with what to do...follow my heart and hope we can get back to how we were before his EA or follow my head and tell him to leave. Any advice please?

Speak to a divorce solicitor.

He had an affair and now he's abusing you with the silent treatment. I think it's over.
What's your housing situation? Do you have children ?
If not just go, he is clearly not going to leave.

@JSL52 We have a DD17 and we both live and work from home. He has not said a word to me today and yesterday the only conversation we had was me asking him if he wanted dinner and he said no

Your poor DD with such an arsehole father making an already awful situation even more awful for everyone. Ugh. Is she doing OK?

Also why are you asking him if he wants dinner?! I know it feels so hard but you're still extending courtesy to him by doing things like that when he is treating you with not even indifference but contempt.

@youvegottenminuteslynn DD will be having counselling soon as a result of his emotional affair. I asked him if he wanted dinner because he was in the living room watching TV but he soon went upstairs to have a shower, If i come downstairs, he goes up.

I know I need to tell him to leave, but the pain and heartache I've had to suffer the last 7 months has been dreadful and I dont think i am strong enough to go through all this again when he leaves. I see my friends and family enjoying family time and the hot weather, while we are sitting at home feeling sad.

I’m afraid some men go extremely childish/nasty when caught out being arseholes. Instead of actually acting like an adult, although it doesn’t make for nice conversations they think it’s easier not to talk at all - I would be seeing the solicitor pronto however much you care because his behaviour shows that he can’t actually act like a grown up and won’t own his shit

This is awful, please make him leave! My sister is living in similar circumstances and it’s heartbreaking to watch. The affair is bad enough but his behaviour towards you is… I don’t know if I have a strong enough word for it… you won’t be able to start to heal until you get him out of your house and your life.

You poor thing, he sounds awful. Poor DD too. Do any of your friends / family know what's happened? I think you need to tell someone and have a proper chat with them about it to make it real. It bursts the bubble a bit and sort of forces you to have to make a decision as to how to progress. You'll also be surprised how supportive people can be AND inevitably how many will say god he was always a bit of a twat.

What's the situation with the house and finances?

If you are sometimes faltering and considering staying together (which it sounds like would involve you persuading him to give you a chance, which is all kinds of fucked up!) then please consider the impact on DD and what this will teach her about relationships.

She would see a man who has brought his partner close to a breakdown, treated her with utter contempt afterwards, ignored her and still be an apparent prize worth fighting for / sticking around for. I can't express how damaging that is especially at such a pivotal age for her when it comes to relationships. I've been her. I'm in my first genuinely healthy and calm relationship at the age of 34.

When it comes to reconciliation with men like this, he thinks so little of you that he will think even LESS of you were you to remain together. Utter contempt, annoyance, like you're a bothersome fly who won't go away no matter how hard he swats you. That's how he'll treat you.

I went back and found your original thread.

Why for the love of Joesph, Mary, Jesus and the wee donkey are you putting up with this?

He's checked out.....he doesn't care about you or your daughter.

Who do you care about??? Seriously.

What the hell do you think this situation is doing to your child?

The pair of you need a kick up the backside.

You need to find your backbone, kick him out and see a solicitor ASAP. Stop contacting the OW and behaving like a teenager from gossip girl.

He also needs to stop behaving like a love sick stroppy teen.

What role models are either of you to your child (that's now in therapy from your previous thread as a result of all this)?

And FFS don't say "but I love him".

So what? He doesn't love you or respect you.

There's no happy ever after here apart from in your "teenage dreams".

Time to grow up.

[quote ChiChi16]@JSL52 We have a DD17 and we both live and work from home. He has not said a word to me today and yesterday the only conversation we had was me asking him if he wanted dinner and he said no[/quote]
It's horrible with him there. I know you want to save it but is that realistic?
If it's at the point where your daughter needs counselling I would try and find your anger and get him out.

OP,
Honestly you need to get a grip.
A real grip.

You have a daughter who must be so damaged by her nasty, abusive father who doesn't give a damn and a mother who is insisting that the fact that she loves this asshole trumps everything.

Your poor daughter, stuck between the two of you, both of you not considering her at all.

She needs counselling?

What are you doing to support her?

You need to grow up and stop thinking that because you love some asshole it trumps everything.

It doesn't.

You need to get him out of the house and start thinking about the trauma your daughter is going through.

She is the real victim here.

God help her.
Start thinking about the damage that this marriage, environment and home has done to that poor girl.
Think of the consequences it will have in her life, you allowing yourself to be treated like shit and asking that pig what he wants for dinner.

Suggest you read this OP:

www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

Someone very wise once said to me "If your DD were in the same position as you. What would you do/ how would you advise her?"

You deserve better OP. Silent treatment!? Is he a toddler? What a coward!
Please do not give him any attention, anything Whatsoever.

Sending you peace and strength

Time to get angry OP, you should be raging at his behaviour, look at what he's done to you and DD! Then you use that anger to propel you through getting your ducks in a row and separating. There's time to be sad later on but for now you need to protect yourself and DD, he is no longer on your side and you need to treat him as such.

Tell him to leave 🌸

Thank you for all your replies.
I had a complete breakdown last week and sat on the stairs crying uncontrollably for half an hour after DH ignored me while having an argument with DD over something petty. He was shouting at her standing in the doorway of her bedroom, i stood behind him and he asked me to leave while he spoke to her and then shut tge door in my face.
I was at the end of my teather and asked him to leave and then sat sobbing.
He stood there and watched as my DD comforted me and then he left the house, thankfully he moved out to a local hotel.
I have accepted now that our marriage is over and we've not spoken at all for a 3 days.
I read on here that people say sort out your finances before you file for a divorce. What does this mean? We dont have any joint accounts. The house is in both our names, he pays the mortgage and i pay the bills, shopping and most of DD's expenses (phone, gym membership, toiletries etc) he gives her miney as and when she asks for it.
I have a small savings account which he does mot know about, i have a direct debit where £10 goes in each month and theres no more than £2k in this account. I dont know how much he has in his savings account. But what do i need to get in order before i start to ask him for a divorce?
My head is all over the place, im not sleeping and am very upset that the marriage is over - he has already checked out and im not sure why he still wants to live in the house when he cant talk or look at me.
I've hoped he would 'come to his senses' over the last 7 months but he's pushed me further and further away. In a few week we have our 23rd wedding anniversary and i want to have this over before then.
Im 52, will i ever be happy again? I cant see it. I cant see a future without me being alone and unhappy.

I'm so sorry for you but him moving out is a step in the right direction. Please change the locks ASAP so he doesn't boomerang back when he can't afford the hotel any more - you know that your marriage is over and you and your DD need to make sense of it all without his brooding presence. Start thinking about how you're going to manage financially if/when he stops paying the mortgage and get some preliminary legal advice regarding a divorce to give you something to work on. Please stay strong as he has already walked out on the marriage so don't think you can 'win him back'. Good luck 💐

You poor thing OP. What a bastard he is. You do need to speak to a solicitor ASAP. I don't think you can change the locks if the house is in joint names, best check before doing this. You will be happy again, I promise.

@billy1966

OP, Honestly you need to get a grip. A real grip.

You have a daughter who must be so damaged by her nasty, abusive father who doesn't give a damn and a mother who is insisting that the fact that she loves this asshole trumps everything.

Your poor daughter, stuck between the two of you, both of you not considering her at all.

She needs counselling?

What are you doing to support her?

You need to grow up and stop thinking that because you love some asshole it trumps everything.

It doesn't.

You need to get him out of the house and start thinking about the trauma your daughter is going through.

She is the real victim here.

God help her.
Start thinking about the damage that this marriage, environment and home has done to that poor girl.
Think of the consequences it will have in her life, you allowing yourself to be treated like shit and asking that pig what he wants for dinner.

I totally agree with this More so after reading your update about having breakdown on the stairswhile he is verbally abusing and bullying her.

Totally inappropriate. Your poor DD.

I am delighted he moved out but you have to find your anger and get your act together.
Phone and email at least 3 divorce solicitors NOW. Today.

And expect to fight for assets. He will be aiming to draw this out until she's 18 so he can offer you a lower settlement. If you dont fight you will get shafted.

You need to wake up and get moving.
This is your new reality. And it will be a better one if you lean in to the change and fight for yourself and your daughter.

I think she could change the locks to keep out an emotionally abusive husband, surely? Or perhaps always make sure it's double locked with the key on the inside?

So, if he is the higher earner you could get spousal maintenance, then there would be a share of his pension, half of all savings ( together, his too) and half of all assets, plus support for your DD. Don't just accept keeping what you each have, because that is BS after such a long marriage.
You seem quite particular to say EA all the time, but really, would OW claim a suicide attempt over an EA? Sounds too extreme to me.

@ChiChi16 today is the first day of your new life your DD and you.

Get divorced you can start the divorce bit on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour because of the sulking, silent treatment, door slamming. Finances come a bit later it will involve house, all bank accounts, pensions etc. For now he should be paying child maintenance - I am guessing 17 year old DD does not wish to stay with her Dad.
You will be happy again and probably quite soon. Build your relationship with your daughter, go away for a few nights together in the summer holidays. If down the track you feel like you would like to meet someone else there are ways, but first discover yourself again.
I will say this again today is the first day of your new life and treat it as such the beginning of a happier life. There will be tough times, but it has got to be better than the last 7 months.

I had a relationship with someone who wronged me and then refused to accept blame and was vile to me in a way that made it obvious that he was never going to end it directly himself - he was going to push and push until I jumped. He also refused to take responsibility, blanked me (I remember feeling invisible), called me a shrew and a nag when I asked him why it had happened (so we could work on making sure it didnt happen again), tried to make me feel sorry for the OW (poor thing, she loved him). In the end, I left. I am still angry at myself years later for not leaving earlier. I can’t believe I put up with this shit. It is damaging being treated like this. The first bf I had after this man told me I was kind and I started crying because it was the first time anyone had said anything nice about me for so long.
Yoi need to get out. This isn’t love any more and if it is it isn’t the kind of love worth fighting for. It is a terrible model for your daughter. I can’t guarantee you will ever meet anyone else (I didn’t, long term) but the likelihood of you being happier is extremely high. There are pleasure to be had in life, pleasures at the very least from not being diminished, and emotionally battered, ignored and rejected.
I still remember that feeling of waking up every day drained by battle, braced against further indignities. Exhausting. Demoralising. Crippling. It is a dark place and you need to get out.
Also: this 24 year old sounds completely unhinged. And you definitely shouldn’t be drawn into the drama by calling her up and giving her power. She’s really irrelevant. She’s not cheating on you. He is.
Really really good luck. Life will definitely get better.

He stood there and watched as my DD comforted

So he was vile to your dd, which ended with YOU sobbing uncontrollably having to be comforted by your dd. .

Look I totally get how distressing the end of a marriage can be for the one who wants to stay together

You are heart broken, but your are still a parent. I can not imagine behaving like this in front of my 17 year old.

She shouldn't be having to comfort you while you have a breakdown because your dick of a husband was mean to you. If he was screaming at her, she needed your support.

Her father sounds like a dick. She needs at least one parent to be her parent. Kids deal with this sort of thing better if the adults deal with it in a way that always makes sure the kids are supported, secure and loved.

Both of you are failing her. And for what? Because you want to keep a man who is awful, doesn't love you and is awful to your dd?

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I get so fed up of family breakdowns, not prioritising the kids at all and the kids mental health ends up being collateral damage.