Update from Emotional Affair post

[ChiChi16]

I thought I would post an update just in case anyone was / is interested in knowing what is going on.
DH has stopped talking to me completely, he works in the spare room and sleeps there too, occasionally he will go out to watch football at his friends house.
OW called him to say she made up her 'suicide' attempt and that she did it because she wanted to get out of this mess - I don't know if her 'suicide' attempt was real or not, i suspect it was not because she was in work the following day. OW called me to tell me she has told him she no longer wants to speak to him and that they keep any contact they have at work as professional.
A few days later, while attempting to talk to DH (he does not even look at me when i speak to him, he carrys on working on his laptop) I told him OW said her suicide attempt was fake and she had told him, he said he didn't recall her saying this and told me to stop talking to her. I asked him how he could not recall a conversation like this and then he said he did recall it but didn't want to talk about it. This was about a week ago and he's not really spoken to me since - other than to say he is going out etc.
I don't know what to do now, I seem to be stuck in some kind of limbo where the days are rolling on and nothing is happening.
I've asked him to leave but he just tells me he will when he finds somewhere to live - i dont think he is even looking.
He knows I still love him (I am a big idiot). I think he wants to live a life where we both live in the same house but are separated...can this work when one person is still in love and wants to give the marriage another chance?
I feel i am weak and can't function properly, one day i am OK and the next - like today, I am a wreck.
How do i move on? I really am confused with what to do...follow my heart and hope we can get back to how we were before his EA or follow my head and tell him to leave. Any advice please?

He has physically gone.

He has been 'gone' mentally/emotionally for a long time.

Prolonging the final split was extremely damaging for your DD and you. And you will both benefit from therapy.

You say you cannot imagine a happy life alone..............but how long has it been since you could honestly imagine a 'happy life' with him?

You can now rise and greet each day without the stress of knowing he will 'ignore' you, 'diminish' you and 'abuse' you.

Your DD will know that she will not have to endure the mental anguish of being a spectator to the 'death throes of an abusive marriage'.

You will be happy again, and probably much sooner than you think, because it is only when you come out from under the long, dark shadow your H cast over you, that you will see the sunlight again.

Im 52, will i ever be happy again? I cant see it. I cant see a future without me being alone and unhappy
This I can answer. Yes.
When my Mum was about the same age, my stepdad ran off with a woman from the office. She was absolutely floored.
A couple of years later, she'd met a lovely man who she spent the rest of her life with - a much nicer person than the first two husbands!
So many more examples.
Divorce is hugely stressful but your worry about sitting alone for the next thirty-forty years of your life is ... putting it gently ... wildly unrealistic. You'll be fine.
Go see a solicitor. They'll walk you through the practicalities. Get all you can for the sake of your DD, oh, and redo your will sharpish!

Just another update and to get some understanding.
He is still at the hotel, this is his 3rd week. I called him during his first few days away as i was feeling very low, he was very angry his family know about his EA ( i sat down and told his mum who told his siblings) He said he does not like his private business told to everyone and he's not told anyone what's been going on. Anyway, i got upset and he calmed down but said he didnt care anymore.
After a week of no contact, i rang him to see what his plans were and he said he wanted to come home to live in the spare room so he can be around DD, I asked him if he wanted to try and see if we could possibly try and give our marriage another go and he said his feelings have changed and he cant see it working. I told him to find a house or flat because i couldn't live in the house as a separated couple so that he could be with DD17.
I spoke to DD later in the evening to see if she wanted him back home and she said no, the atmosphere would be awful and she does not want to talk or see him.
He now blames me for this, he thinks DD is a child and as her parent he should be at home even if she wont talk or be in the same room aa him. I rold him its not good for my mental health knowing you are living in the house but ignoring me..how do i move on?
He has turned cold towards me now, he responds to no messages and does not call to check if we are OK ( he used to do this the other 2 times he was asked to leave, he would call DD and then call ne to see how we both were)
The calls to me have stopped, if i call him he does not always answer..and then when he does he's always tired, or about to have a shower, or get some food. He says he does not hate me but i see he does not feel ANYTHING for me and will be happy to have no contact with me at all
Why does this hurt so much? Why do i not stop trying to talk to him? I know the marriage is over and it has been since December, so why can't i move even a little bit forward? The pain in my heart does not go away, i am tired from not sleeping properly. I cant focua on anything because i miss him so much and i am still in love with him. I hate myself for feeling like this. I was hoping he'd come back now that he is no longer talking to OW but i think its only made him realise that he does not love me anymore....why do i bot accept this?? I cant live this way anymore, the crying does not stop....how do i move on? Im struggling.

Have you seen a solicitor yet?

@faultymain no, but i will now

He needs a good, hard kick up the hole.
STOP doing stuff for him. He won't even speak to you, ffs.
Get a divorce.
He's a cunt.

Don't ask him to come back again. It's time to get rid.

DD will be having counselling soon as a result of his emotional affair
No. If your dd needs counselling over this it is because of the actions of both of you.
Yes, your DH is an arse but don't dismiss how your behaviour is also affecting her and, no doubt, still is.

He's ignoring you like you had the affair. Wtf

It's like all the roles are reversed here. Your DD is acting like an adult, you DH like the wronged partner and you're being treated like the silly teenager who had affair. Tbh that's how you're acting though.

I understand this is heart wrenching for you OP but you need to toughen up and get some self respect in this situation. Stop ringing everyone else up for an emotional feed and get your own shit in order.

Just to add - being on your own may feel like the last thing you want right now but it could be the lease of life you never knew you needed.

"Im 52, will i ever be happy again? I cant see it. I cant see a future without me being alone and unhappy."

OP "sometimes we look so long at the door that is closing that we fail to see all the doors that are opening."

You absolutely WILL be happy again, for starters you won't be spending the rest of your life terribly unhappy with a total arsehole. There are so many other doors opening for you now, when you feel ready to look past the hurt you will see all the new opportunities that are waiting for you. 💐

Make a deal with yourself to stop all contact with him. He is never coming back again. Everytime you contact him, you give him all your self esteem, confidence and power, he never responds, offers no hope , support or anything. He does not love you and is doing you a favour by cutting you off. If he answers your calls that gives you some hope that maybe he still loves you etc. He has made it very clear he is not interested, he is not getting back with you, fixing your marriage etc So what you need to do is LISTEN and..

1. Book some therapy, go and wail and wallow with someone who can guide and support you through this emotional time. After therapy, start to write all these feelings down and ask yourself why are you continuing to hurt yourself by contacting someone who is not interested.
2. Join a gym, class or group that is exercising or that is out in nature walking/hiking. This will help you mentally and maybe help you lose weight/get fit if this is required. Keep busy, make new friends etc.
3. Start to treat yourself like a the star of your own life, buy new underwear, get your nails and hair done, cuddle up in a nest on the couch and watch inspiring movies about women, get out in the garden and plant some flowers, go to the beach for a day.
4. Get a solicitor /legal advice and start the process rolling. Figure out your finances. Start saving more money.
5. Stop telling your daughter about your problems, she is young let her enjoy her life. Also stop telling his family tales about him.

Yes, he cheated and treated you badly but the marriage is over. He is not interested in saving it. You have a choice , it's your decision to stay in this mainframe and blame him, accuse him, pester and harass him. So you pick
A. Stay wallowing in self pity, loathing, blame and bitterness or
B. Start living a new life with hope, optimism and joy with new possibilities, chances and options.
You can get busy living or get busy dying

Your DH is right that your Dd is still a child and you need to think of her feelings in all this. Focus more on her needs, accept your marriage is over (you can't make your DH love you again) and focus on getting through this. I understand it's very painful and hard for you, but it will pass eventually and you'll make a new life for yourself. The relationship you once had is over. You need to grieve that, not try to claw it back.

Please stop calling him as it is demeaning and he's made his position very clear. You are still emotionally tied to this man and are setting a very bad example to your daughter and it's time to be a good mother to her - imagine what she might be posting on MN in 20 years' time about how BOTH her parents wrecked her life and how she's unable to hold down a relationship because of your behaviour. Get a backbone and plan your next chapter for her sake if not your own. You can do it.

Stop contacting him.
Your DD is old enough to contact him if she wants to.

He knows I still love him (I am a big idiot). I think he wants to live a life where we both live in the same house but are separated...can this work when one person is still in love and wants to give the marriage another chance?

No, it can't. This is not going to work. It might work for him, of course, becasue then he doesn't have to deal with the consequences of his actions. He wants it because it is convenient and works for him.

For you, it will be emotional agony.

Say no and get him to move out.

He said he does not like his private business told to everyone and he's not told anyone what's been going on

He appears to have forgotten that it is your business. You can tell who you like - take out out a full page ad in the Metro if you want.

I am fuming on your behalf - he is sulking like a toddler not allowed its favourite toy.

Do what you would do if your toddler was having a tantrum in the supermarket. Ignore and walk away. Live your life, do the things you enjoy when you want to do them.

Personally if it was me - I would get a divorce lawyer and start unpicking anything that ties me to such a cock end. every morning I would thank him for showing me his true colours before he had drained all my life away.

Of course he doesn’t like HIS private business told to everyone… Wonder how much if YOUR private business he confided in her about? Wonder how much was exaggerated/twisted to suit his narrative. Time to grow a spine and get angry!

@Justilou1

Of course he doesn’t like HIS private business told to everyone… Wonder how much if YOUR private business he confided in her about? Wonder how much was exaggerated/twisted to suit his narrative. Time to grow a spine and get angry!

exactly... what a brass necked hypocrite he is 🌸

He is extremely immature isn't he op?

I'm going to change tack, we all know what a bastard he is being and how he is refusing to discuss anything, yes he's being a cunt. There is another post at the moment with some great posts about guilt.

You are right, you are the injured party yet are being subjected to the silent treatment and vicious and hurtful comments of how he does not feel anything for you.

I think he feels a lot ..... guilt and shame when he looks at you and your daughter. I believe he is bullying your daughter into acceting his bad behaviour and for you he wishes for you to forget and not bring anything up so he can return.

The house, the home, the family, your daughter and you are a huge mirror for him to see what he has done wrong. He will not face up to his wrong doing.

I am stating this not to make you accept the situation but to understand it. He is frightening the shit out of you to take control of the situation, whether that is to return with no consequenses or move on with his pride in tact.

I personally do not think he wishes to move on, at the moment. You keep biting and falling into his trap, now imagine that he does still care and still wants you and your daughter, does that make you feel stronger? but he wants you at a cost to you, not him.
I believe he is scared, his biggest fear is you pulling yourself together and delivering him his just desserts.

It's a game to him and he wants to win, drop the rope, stop contacting him and when you are in pain just remember he will be frantic underneath as he is loosing control of both you and your daughter and the situation.

Start eating and looking after yourself and try to stop painfully trying to make sense of him pulling the rug away from your marriage.
Call his bluff, he is feeling shame, his daughter knows what he did, his family and this is causing him to lash out with tantrums and sulking.

Look at what he is, a cry baby who is not adult enough to admit his bad behaviour. Until you understand his weaknesses at the moment will you be able to gather your strength and anger to decide the consequenses and act on them.

Your fear is essential to him to control the situation and the status quo.

Know what he is... tell him you no longer love him and feel nothing more for him. Your strength will return when you stop allowing him to keep kicking you down.

I see more to this… The other woman doesn’t want him and he is blaming @ChiChi16. He is taking no responsibility for his part in how this played out. We don’t know what lies he told the OW along the way either. She’s probably mortally embarrassed, too. Can you imagine how this would look for her if she takes her job seriously? He has been an absolute loser and he is deeply ashamed and instead of admitting this to himself (or anyone else) he is projecting his negativity in the direction of someone he feels is “safe” (ie… submissive/malleable/trained to suck it up), who won’t make him look deep enough into himself to really, really see the what is causing his pain. He thinks that @ChiChi16 will “see sense” and take him back because he has crushed her self-confidence along the way to the point that she would never believe that she could possibly ever meet anyone better, let alone deserve this person. That’s bad enough, but he is also doing this to their DD. (I would equate his behaviour as being like a toddler biting someone because they took their toy.) This man is cruel and unreasonable. Once @ChiChi16 has him out of her life and out of her headspace, she will find the anxiety begin to seep from her pores.

And remember @ChiChi16

He is trying to bat some of that shame back to you, he wants you to repond bt sending crazy texts, weeping and wailing then acting agressively calling him all sorts of names.

This means he can portray you as the controller, the unreasonable partner the crazy one, look what I had to put up with for all these years, when in fact you could have been the accomodating, reasonable person on earth but when someone cuts you dead after so many years it would send anyone into a tailspin.

He knows what he is doing...

Tell him he has brought shame upon himself and his family but it is not your problem that he is a grubby little man and others now know the real him.

Let him feel the shame, he won't if you allow him to kick it back to you.

Thank you everyone, i needed to hear some of these comments!

He does not want me back but wants to come home and live in the spare room, even though I tell him this is the worst thing he can now do, he tells me that he is still paying the mortgage and he wants to see if daughter - even though she wont talk to him.

He is a horrible man and knows how much I am suffering (I used to suffer with anxiety and panic attacks in the past, I'd not had one for a couple of years but they seem to have come back now due to the stress and pain of all this crap?.

I wish I could take a pill which would allow me to forget him, everything reminds me of him. I also wish he would stop blaming me for everything every time we speak, he takes no accountability himself other than he messaged and talked to OW but hasn't met her as she lives abroad (Romania)

You do need to hear this shit.

He's terrified you will go viral with his dirty little secrets, I mean can you imagine how humiliated he must be feeling, he is a laughing stock.

The only thing he can do in his defence is attack you, and you are biting.

DO NOT BITE.

You hold all the cards, but first you need to recognise your worth, he has battered that out of you at the moment for good reason, to save face and his reputation.
The stronger you can appear, the weaker he will become, I mean he actually looks like a dirty old man stalking young women on the internet.

Yuk, what an embarassment, as I said don't mop up his shame, leave him to fester, don't let him back. It's going to be really hard coming to terms with the fact he's not perfect, no where near, but know that in the future even if he returned and calmed down, you are going to detest this man as you you have never detested anything before.

You are better than him, allow your confidence to grow, you have more morals, more kindness, more everything, he is just a weak, lacking individual.

x