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Original poster

He doesn’t need me...

28 replies

Gal1211 · 17/06/2021 08:21

I have heard this from my husband a number of times now and this is really bothering me. He told me these exact words: “I’ve never needed you. This is never going to change. I’ve never needed anyone really”. He added he wants me and wants us to be together but he doesn’t need me. We have a son who is almost 2 years old. Hubby added he cares for the family and wants us to stay together but he doesn’t need me. I feel really confused...we all need other people in our lives....this feels very hurtful. I’m upset after hearing this from him again. Hope you can share your thoughts on this....

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 17/06/2021 08:25

It's not necessarily a bad thing.

Maybe he sees needing someone as negative. He says he doesn't need you, he wants you. That doesn't sound awful.

Have you asked him what he thinks needing someone is? How that presents itself?

bigbaggyeyes · 17/06/2021 08:30

I agree with the pp. better to be wanted than needed by a partner. I'd hate for my dh to be with me because he needed to, much rather he was with me because he 'wanted to'

scoobydoo1971 · 17/06/2021 08:31

It may sound hurtful, but I say similar things to my OH. It is not an insult in my case, and perhaps your husband means this in the same way. It just means I need my own space, I am not co-dependent and an introvert who likes spending time alone pursuing me-time stuff. It doesn't mean I don't love him, or adore this man or think I want to leave him. It just means that some people are independent souls who struggle with 'needing' others. You got married, you had a child...he made that commitment. He may not need nor want you, but he is staying put...actions speak louder than words. He is just saying he stays because he loves you, and not because he is forced to by his own psychological dependency.

Veiaola · 17/06/2021 08:35

I think you need to ask him to clarify what he means by that. The I don't need you could mean numerous things. I constantly frustrate an have repeatedly upset DH by not being needy in the way of needing hugs an affection. I don't need him for that constantly. Obviously I like a hug now an again but don't feel the need to constantly hug him. However this doesn't mean I don't feel any less for him. Hope that makes sense 🤣

Umberellatheweatha · 17/06/2021 08:43

I think the issue is that he keeps telling you.

It's a perfectly fair thing to feel but there no need to say it.

It could be interpreted as him saying 'the second I stop wanting to be here, I'm gone, so, keep me happy, tow the line'.

Is he generally a dick?

JorisBonson · 17/06/2021 08:50

I've said this to DH before. I love him, I want him with me forever, but I don't need him. If he left I would be sad but I wouldn't die, I would eventually be ok.

I wouldn't tell him "a number of times" though.

Original poster
Gal1211 · 17/06/2021 08:51

Interesting and saying he never needed anyone...can a human being never need anyone...we all need others

OP posts:
Nietzschethehiker · 17/06/2021 08:59

It entirely depends on how this is said and in what context.

Honestly its far healthier not to need someone but to choose and want them. I love DP with all my heart. He is the love of my life but I don't actually need him. I would still exist and live my life and be happy if he went away. I'd be devastated at first of course but I have enough faith in myself to know I would move on.

I was naive when I married Exdh and thought that you intertwined and gave everything to your family. I thought I needed him. I didn't as it turned out and one of the good things that came out of my divorce was the realisation that I didn't ever need a partner to be me. In fact my relationship is a lot healthier with DP because I don't rely on him to fulfil part of my own personality.

That said is he saying it randomly put of the blue? Is it to put you down ? That's a whole different thing (and ironically a signal that he does need you to fulfil a role but not a good one) or is it when you are asking ? Are you bringing this up?

Naimee87 · 17/06/2021 09:05

I also see a positive difference in needing vs wanting. I thought for a long time i needed someone but in my opinion you only 'need' yourself. I'm nice and independent. Wanting someone to me implies desire. I think it isn't good to feel you 'need' someone else because other people can let you down. Perhaps the repetition is a little waring which you should mention.

Opentooffers · 17/06/2021 09:08

It's not good to feel you need someone, that's when you get co-dependence.
However, more significant perhaps is that he feels inclined to point this out more than once. If he knows this upsets you, he's doing it for that reason, which is sinister. You seem quite fragile about the words, my instinct on first hearing this from someone would be to reply " good, because I don't need you either." But that could well be because you know how he's said it was not in an innocuous way, and we are not there at the time to know the situation that causes him to voice it.
Probably need more detail to know ourselves where he's coming from.
Either he's making a health poor, or he's trying to keep you feeling insecure in a sinister way.

Opentooffers · 17/06/2021 09:08

' healthy point'

HollowTalk · 17/06/2021 09:08

Was he neglected as a child, or was he almost smothered by his mother's attentions?

ComeOnPeople · 17/06/2021 09:26

Me and my partner often discuss this. We've been in long term relationships before and there's been needs... but for me and him after all the crap we've been through we discuss the fact we WANT each other- we never want to feel we need anyone ever again. It should always be a want, and you want to work for your relationship

Of course we discuss that there's some comforts in needing each other ... eg needing him when I'm upset or flailing.... but could I survive without him? Absolutely
Same vice versa.

Sakurami · 17/06/2021 09:47

The lovely thing about my boyfriend now is that neither of us need each other but we want to be together. Much better imo.

Moonface123 · 17/06/2021 09:54

I wouldn't over think it. Just smile and say " That's good because l don't need you too. "

GlassBirds · 17/06/2021 10:34

It's incredibly stifling being with someone who 'needs' you.

I'd rather be wanted than needed.

The former implies they are with you through choice the latter implies they are with you because they don't want to he alone.

LindaEllen · 17/06/2021 10:55

I mean, I'm not sure I'd like it if my DP said that to me, because it just sounds horrible .. but really, nobody should 'need' anybody else, unless obviously they're a child/have a disability.

We should all be able to live independently of our partners, and be with them because we WANT to be, not because we NEED to be.

But it seems odd that he's pushing the point.

VettiyaIruken · 17/06/2021 11:22

It's a very odd thing to say out of the blue though.

How does it come up? You're watching Corrie and he turns to you and says let's have a cuppa by the way I don't need you, I want you and love you but really I don't need people, never have...

Or is it because you ask him or seek reassurance or something?

I 'need' people insofar as I have needs to be met that require the input of others. The pickers at Tesco, the delivery drivers, the post office who send my sales out... But needing people in an I can't function without you kind of way is not good.

VettiyaIruken · 17/06/2021 11:23

Function emotionally that should read.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 17/06/2021 11:26

I've always found it romantic that I don't need DH. I'd survive fine without him or on my own. I'm with him because I freely choose to be, because he improves my life, not because I "need" him. I've seen way, way too many women on here stuck in shit relationships because they need their partner financially or practically or just think they need someone.

I would ask him what he means by it, and why he keeps saying it. Like PP I wonder if he was either emotionally neglected or smothered in his childhood and it's left him feeling rather suffocated at the idea of "needing" someone.

grapewine · 17/06/2021 11:29

It's better to be wanted than it is to be needed by a partner. It can be suffocating to be needed for someone else's wellbeing. I would take it to mean that he is there because he wants to be.

Colourmeclear · 17/06/2021 12:40

Want/need is a very fine distinction. I need things from my partner, love, attention, support, company but I don't need him in an absolute sense. I could find those things elsewhere if needed if he left. I can see how his words could be upsetting and it's weird for him to keep saying it.

Hughbert · 17/06/2021 12:53

@Gal1211

Interesting and saying he never needed anyone...can a human being never need anyone...we all need others
There are functional things I need someone for, health care for example. I have friends who meet my social interaction needs. There is nothing a partner gives me that I need , as pps have also said, I got married because I wanted to be with him. In the end, he saw me as too independent, I saw him as too clingy.
ChristmasFluff · 17/06/2021 12:53

It would be far worse if he needed you but didn't want you

Original poster
Gal1211 · 18/06/2021 13:08

I might not be looking at it from the right angle. My hubby is an introvert. I am more of an extrovert. I think I do need others. I need a husband to have a complete family. So I do need him. And of course if he doesn’t want to be with me I’d need someone else to fulfil this role. So I do need...

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