Escort In My Home ...

[Heartbreak21]

Hi, I'm new here & It's taken me a few days to pluck up the courage to write this post. I have been with my partner for 20 years and we have a Daughter who's 13 I'm 38 and He's 40
In April on the Wednesday I found messages on His Apple Watch to about 7 Escorts something inside me told me to look so I did and my whole world came crashing down. The messages must have started from the week before because there was one that I saw & all the others was on the Monday they'd started on the Monday night about 7:30 she said hi love and he put what area and from that one text It must have started something Inside him to text more. There were ones saying hi babe you working this weekend? The one message he send on the Monday was to a woman he was asking how much for this n that n he Said can I see you after work tomorrow she said yes n he said he would call her the next day and she gave him her address. On the Tuesday when he was supposed to have gone round he came Home he was bang on tile if not a bit earlier. He was quiet didn't eat his tea and went to bed early. Then the next morning I find the messages. I threw him out he went to his moms house. He begged and begged to come home saying he would never go through with It I believed him. He came home a few days later n I had trust issues I was worried all the time he would get random emails saying hi ryan you still in the area? N I would question him he tried his best to make me feel like I had nothing to worry about but still I was worried. We had a row about an email and he snapped I went to my sisters woke early hours and drove back I found messages on his phone and watch he was In bed he's been drinking and taking drugs (he did this on and off and would tell him to leave, I don't know if he's been with anyone when he's left) I woke him up n he said no nobody's been here. We had a row he left after he left I found 2 condom wrappers In my kitchen bin and a baby wipe with pink lipstick on and a cigarette not an English one outside my back door. He's no longer In the house, they didn't do anything in my bed as I'd changed all the sheets and nothing was messed up they'd been doing It on my new sofa that I had 2 weeks prior. I'm devastated I must have missed her by half hour I haven't eaten a thing since It happened nearly 2 weeks ago. I googled all the phone numbers n I'm not joking they all look like they've been dug up. I've never had trust issues at all everyone we know Is so shocked by what he has done. All I have had from him Is I couldn't keep on living the way we was with you questioning me all the time, I was drunk n I thought why not I'm getting the blame for It anyway. I've got to go to the hospital tomorrow for bloods for Hepatitis as these are more common In sex workers and a full sti health check. I'm so upset that he could do this to me and even worse In out home. He's now set up a Facebook account (he's never had one) and Is adding all sorts on there. I am beside myself I don't know what to do 😢

I am sorry for what you are going through. I am going to have to read it again as your stream of consciousness writing and the use of 'n' instead of 'and' is throwing me off and making it difficult to understand. First glance = leave him, he is horrible.

Oh lovely this is so devastating. There's no going back. It's over. I hope you come to terms with it quickly and do what you need to do to move on.

Oh and to add, he is not fit to be a father to your daughter. He is disgusting.

Stay OFF of social media. Do not look at his accounts because nothing he posts even matters.

Wow, I’m so sorry.

So it happened once that you knew of, You took him back and he did it again?

Take one day at a time. You will get through this.

Re; STI’s I know it’s scary but the condom wrappers are a good sign in that sense and hopefully not, but if there is anything you’ve caught it early.

Stay strong and concentrate on you and your daughter. He’s a cunt, you won’t realise it now but this is a fresh start for you.

I’m so sorry, this must have been a terrible shock. He’s a nasty man who doesn’t care how you feel and you need to think of moving forward and away from his disgusting ways. I’m really sorry that he’s betrayed you so horribly after 20 years together. I hope you will protect yourself and your daughter as much as possible from the consequences of his actions.

@EloquentlyBrash

Wow, I’m so sorry.

So it happened once that you knew of, You took him back and he did it again?

Take one day at a time. You will get through this.

Re; STI’s I know it’s scary but the condom wrappers are a good sign in that sense and hopefully not, but if there is anything you’ve caught it early.

Stay strong and concentrate on you and your daughter. He’s a cunt, you won’t realise it now but this is a fresh start for you.

He assured me that It was just stupid text messages and he would never have gone through with It, he said he loves me his home and his daughter and that he would never want to lose us. I think It has been going on a lot longer he will never admit to anything only the proof that I have on the watch and what's In the bin. He tells me that he's not and won't be coming home (I haven't even asked him too)

@Aquamarine1029

Stay OFF of social media. Do not look at his accounts because nothing he posts even matters.

It's so hard not to he blocked me last week Wednesday on everything and then unblocks me on Sunday morning telling me that it hurt his feelings when me and my daughter drove past him In the car. He'd flashed his lights and waved at us. He's blaming me now for my daughter not wanting to speak to him

@butterry

I’m so sorry, this must have been a terrible shock. He’s a nasty man who doesn’t care how you feel and you need to think of moving forward and away from his disgusting ways. I’m really sorry that he’s betrayed you so horribly after 20 years together. I hope you will protect yourself and your daughter as much as possible from the consequences of his actions.

Yes I'm heartbroken It hurts so much. He would bring me tea in bed every morning text me when I got up before I went to work asking If I was ok. I never had any reason to doubt him

He an emotionally abusive, game player too!! What a sly, manipulative, lying shit. He’s calling your bluff so you ask him back.

Sending you hugs heartbreak. Have you got any friends to offer you support, a bottle of wine and a shoulder to cry on?

He is the reason his daughter doesn’t want to speak to him, he really needs to stop the Martyr act.

How awful OP what a shock. Don't have anything useful to say to you but I'm sorry you are having to go through this.

@EloquentlyBrash

He an emotionally abusive, game player too!! What a sly, manipulative, lying shit. He’s calling your bluff so you ask him back.

Sending you hugs heartbreak. Have you got any friends to offer you support, a bottle of wine and a shoulder to cry on?

He is the reason his daughter doesn’t want to speak to him, he really needs to stop the Martyr act.

That's what I've said to him he said that she didn't need to know. I'm Trying to stay strong for her but It's so hard some days I cry all day and all night. She's been staying with me when she's back from school she's normally In her room taking with friends on the phone. She doesn't talk about It he's blaming me for her not wanting to talk to him. I don't know what's going on In his mind she's not 5 anymore she idolised her dad but now she's older she can see what he's done and how it's affected not just me her too. That's what he does plays the victim gets everyone to feel sorry for him.

Hi all

We took this thread down because we had some concerns - we've chatted with the OP, and we're happy to reinstate it now.

He is a proper creep and you are well rid op!

I wonder if he always has that fb its just that now he doesn't feel the need to keep it private.

Not only is he a cheat and a liar, he is a misogynist. And your daughter has every right to know what he has done. And that it is completely unacceptable.

Good on you for kicking the creep out!
He sounds proper entitled though so if you own the house with him then I'd get that sold asap and divvy up the dosh accordingly. Before he tries to move back in.

He claims now that he would like to be friends ... How can you be friends & what's friends supposed to mean, I just don't understand what's going though his mind right now. I feel like I don't even know him anymore

'Let's stay friends' is common amongst nasty sorts who want to remain in your life in some capacity- so that they can exploit that as an 'in'.

Dunno about you op but I expect higher standards in my friends than people who lie and gaslight me.
I'd tell him I was happy to keep it civil for the kids sake but that I had no interest in being his bloody pal. The cheek of him.

He lost his Job at the beginning of Covid he's been there years, he started drinking more now and abusing drugs he's In a job that he doesn't like most of the people he works with are men without a good home life kids etc. They can do what they like with no consequences. Drink abuse drugs gamble and whatever else. Everyone has said he's changed since he's been there he's not the person he used to be. We wouldn't have been together all these years If he was. His mom says it's because he's not happy, think what she's trying to say Is he's not happy with me.

Well whoever he was, he is a wanker now.

And you're better off without his sort in your life dragging you down.

It might seem daunting now but I bet in a year or so down the line you'll be see this for what things really are. A fresh start and a new adventure.

Just, read up on 'hoovering tactics' that manipulators use. Be prepared for the bs onslaught. Knowledge is power.

Get yourself a good bulldog solicitor too.

Sheesh!

Firstly, unmusnetty hugs and . You poor, poor lass and your poor daughter.

Right. My first thoughts go to not eating for two weeks. You are in profound shock and trauma. Can you do a couple of very, small things? Go out, right now and buy several cans of soup. Plus several bottles of milkshake. Banana is good. Perhaps even a bunch of bananas. Trust me on this. It sounds weird but you must line your stomach. I've been exactly where you are with not eating as trauma response. I found tomato soup is a good one.

Nibble on small things if you can. I find olives, sun dried toms in oil good as well as other anti-pastas. I daresay you are barely sleeping. Grab it when you can. Do you work? GP immediately and get yourself signed off.

Now. The miscreant.

There can be no going back from this and you've quite rightly indicated he will play victim. He will. He's about to lose all of his residual benefits.

Have you a friend who you REALLY trust to take you to the solicitors and immediately start divorce proceedings? You can't kick him out unless its your sole name on mortgage or tenancy. Ditto locks. You can't unless the above applies. In tandem, you need to ensure you have independent revenue streams so next job (maybe first) is to get an independent bank account.

You cannot crack a narc. Its very difficult to force a withdrawal (you need to be completely away from him. Physically). The very most you could do is force a temporary separation. He might agree with that but of course, you and I know it's a permenant move.

Do not underestimate how bloody cunning they are.

In case you are under any doubt, when the dust settles, he will do it again. Trust me.

Again hugs. Keep on posting here. It will help. I've been a vet on here since 2007. I've watched many women break free and you can do it too.

It's always the darkest before dawn.

Ice cream and chocolate time op!
...or for me it would be crisps.

But like pp said, just try to have a bite of something here and there.

Thanks @Umbrella

I'm more a savoury girl so my go to isn't sweet things but ice cream gets a big thumbs-up from me. Anything to line your stomach.

@TVS19

Thanks *@Umbrella*

I'm more a savoury girl so my go to isn't sweet things but ice cream gets a big thumbs-up from me. Anything to line your stomach.

Crisps all round then! Pass the sharing packet!

I dont know if its whats going on with you but I remember once after a breakup with a nasty person that had been headworking me...I stopped eating. And at first it might have been lack of hunger due to stress...but I think after a time I realised it was almost as if I was using it as a way of punishing myself.

Just incase that's what's going on: you are not to blame for his shitty behaviour. And you should be being kind to yourself. So give yourself permission to eat. Because you deserve good things. And crisps :)

I know deep down that I am punishing myself and If I eat It's like I'm rewarding myself ... I've lost a stone In 2 weeks (could do with losing It) I know It's not healthy ... I've been signed off work for 2 weeks it runs out on Monday but I can't face going back at the moment I'm emotionally unstable. I do have a lot of support but nobody I know has ever been In this situation. The locks have been changed and he Is at his parents home. He has transferred me Money when he gets paid and then unblocked me to say I've transferred you some money hope your both ok x ... I ignored the text and we drove past him later that day he flashed the lights and waved again we ignored him then he decides to text on the Sunday morning to tell me It hurt his feelings. I'm unsure what to do as It's Father's Day Sunday I did buy him gifts but have sent those strait back. Do I get him a Card or do I make him suffer? My daughter hasn't mentioned getting him a card n I had a shit Mother's Day as the night before he'd been taking drugs so I threw him out he didn't come back till the Sunday afternoon and when he did he got a bag and went to his moms whilst I was trying to move bedroom furniture into another room as we were having flooring laid down. I'll probably get It In the neck for not sending one but he doesn't deserve one. I've never got a card or a Gift on special occasions

Well he isnt YOUR father. Remind your kid and she can send him one if she wishes. Though under the circumstances its understandable if she doesnt.

I think you've got to get into the mindset that he is your ex op. So really, nothing to you. Other than your kids dad. And I think u said she was a teen? So really you never need to have contact with him again for the most part. Apart from through lawyers about divorce/assets. Or if there were any emergencies with your kid.

Dont accept any more money from him. If you need a financial top up to your income then speak to the jobcentre folk. Advise them he has left. Also see about getting legal child support arrangements put in place. And if you are the only adult in the home you can get a single person discount on council tax.

He is only using money to control you. So the less dependent you can be on that, the better.

Never reply to him about irrelevant shit. You dont owe him anything anymore. He is your ex. And a wanker.

I've just asked her If she wants to send him a Card and she point blank said no.

He hasn't just done this to me he's done this to her too In her Home. She's disgusted In his behaviour.

I will be getting full sick pay (what I earn In a week)

The only hold he really has on me Is the Car but he has a Work Van. He knows I need the Car for School Run's & getting to & from Work. He never drove the Car anyway It's In his name and I'm on his insurance.
He was telling me he wanted the Car back last week. I'd said come and get It now get your Dad to bring you now and you can have It. Next message was you can use It for as long as you need It. Like wtf he's lost the plot