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Original poster

Are you in love with your partner?

46 replies

tikkabaguette · 16/06/2021 14:06

I've been with DH since I was a teen (now both in our mid 30s) and we have 2 fab kids together. I no longer feel in love with him. We've had discussions and he has admitted he feels the same. We love each other..in a way, but the mutual attraction has gone and we don't feel like lovers, more like people running the business of raising a family and taking care of bills and a home.

We will frequently have a trial separation then end up having an moment of thinking we do love each other and get back together again only for it to repeat and I mean we've done this a few times.

The main reason we stay together is for the kids and because it's convenient.

I've spoken with some friends / family and some are all "leave each other, spread your wings, you only live once" others are more like "it's normal to feel like that in a marriage".

Would love some input from both people in a similar boat and those that left/ stayed in relationships that felt dull and loveless.

Thanks

OP posts:
WeDontLikeCricket · 16/06/2021 14:22

No I am not, I didn't realise till recently. I do love him but not in the right way, we haven't been intimate for so long, I think thats a big part of it. I messed up big time recently and now have a huge battle to fix things. Not even sure things will change but I think we will stay together regardless. I couldn't leave, I can't do that to my family. Best thing I can do is try to make things better between us.

Insignificantintheschemeofthin · 16/06/2021 14:31

What's the difference between being in love with your partner and loving your partner?
I mean, isn't being in love more like that infatuation stage, where they are idealised?

Pyewackect · 16/06/2021 14:32

Depends what you mean by being " in love".

NCh3000 · 16/06/2021 14:39

No I'm not in love.

I do love him because he's an amazing person.

I don't think I'd be happier with someone else as I'm not attracted to anyone anymore.

I'm trying to work on feeling better about myself and my life but it's hard.

My husband knows how I feel as I offered him an out but he wants things to stay as they are.

I thought about things and on balance I'm better off with him at the moment.

Gilda152 · 16/06/2021 14:44

I take 'in love' to mean being attracted to someone and loving someone to be more familial.

I've only been with my DH for 6.5 year but I am still heavily in love with him. That being said, we've never lived together so effectively are still in a dating phase mentally despite being married and I think that does help keep the spark going a little. The fact that we as people have a whole other life away as well as with each other - but still chooses to spend most of our spare time with each other is alluring and quite sexy. We're in each other's company by choice not necessity.

4amWitchingHour · 16/06/2021 14:45

Marriage can be a bit of a drudge really. How old are your kids? Do you each have much time to yourself? It sounds a bit as though you've got to "familiarity breeds contempt" although not as strong as contempt.

It sounds as though it might be your lives that are lacking spark, but the obvious thing to blame is your relationship. What would actually change if you split up? You'd still have the day to day business of running a home and family, but just on your own. Then you'd get a new partner and quite probably fall into the same trap. What can you change in your life that isn't your partner? Or is the rest of your life sparky and interesting and it genuinely is the partnership that's dull?

MadMadMadamMim · 16/06/2021 14:45

We will frequently have a trial separation then end up having an moment of thinking we do love each other and get back together again only for it to repeat and I mean we've done this a few times.

Your poor children! This sounds incredibly disruptive.

IsItJustMeOrYou · 16/06/2021 14:46

A total of 40 years together and I love him 'to bits'. Of course we are not the same people who met all those years ago that is not possible. His greatest characteristic is being open minded. If something is not working for me/us he is open to change and has changed and not over time but more-or-less on the spot and it is always lasting change. There is nothing he would not do for us all and has proved it time and time again. How could I not love him?

4amWitchingHour · 16/06/2021 14:50

Also, to add my own experience - I love my DH, but finding it tough to feel that much of the time at the moment as I'm knackered on maternity leave, we moved into a new house that needs work and so much of life is about babycare, housework and house stuff. Dull dull dull. Every so often we have moments to ourselves where we properly connect again and I feel the spark, but I have to remember that that happens as we don't have many opportunities to do the stuff we used to do that feeds our relationship. I'm trusting that it'll come back once we're more settled and our child is older, but it can be really hard in the day to day.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/06/2021 14:51

I am. I wouldn’t stay with him I wasn’t or didn’t feel he was too. I also think our children deserve good healthy role models of loving supportive adult relationships. What we show them is what they come to expect as they look for and form their own.

Do your children know you keep planning to split up? Even if you haven’t explicitly told them they definitely know all isn’t well. That’s a pretty poor legacy to leave them.

CornishGem1975 · 16/06/2021 14:54

Absolutely.

I wasn't in love with my ex-husband which is why I left. I loved and cared about him but I wasn't in love with him in the same way.

Torres10 · 16/06/2021 14:54

No I am not, but I agree it is also not a simple stay or leave decision and whatever decision you make has its pros & cons.

I am not making immediate decisions as we are good friends but I am trying to look forward and evaluate how I will feel once the kids have left and that house running business stuff diminishes!

I don't think it is about being 'in love' equalling infatuation, and it always wearing off either. For me it is about wanting to spend time with that person alone, just the two of you. If you still want and value that, I think it is worth persevering, if not I think eventually you end up living separate lives anyway, irrespective of whether you reside under the same roof!

XChocolate1cheesecake · 16/06/2021 15:01

Hi. I understand this. I've been with my children's dad for ten years. It was really strange as last year we sat down. Had the talk about things. Unfortunately for me he was still wanting it to work. But I was already falling for someone else. That turned out to be a big fat disaster as he was a player. But that's another story!

I still live with my children's dad. We sleep seperataly and it's become this weird bizarre situation where I have no idea what's what. I wish he would just say let's me mates but agree we should move on. But he won't. He says he won't give up. He breaks down if I try push things further towards splitting for good.

I don't know what I want really. I sort of have this idea in my head. My partner is to nice! It makes him dull. He's never had friends really. He is a people pleaser and he's not one of the lads. I wish he was more out there and had some blokier traits. He has no passion for sports, beer, DIY, gardening, animals, cooking, music etc. There's nothing about him that stands out. Other than be works in computers and can bore you for hours about stuff you can't understand. So I feel like I am now with someone who doesn't do it for me personality wise. Which makes me completely turned off and makes me not want to be intimate. The thought of having sex with him no makes me cringe. It's weird. But I can't force myself. He doesn't make me feel sexual.

But he's a nice guy and how do you tell your family. They will only think I'm stupid and dont appreciate how lucky I am because he's nice. But I'm sad to think nobody will never rock my world and make me feel alive and in love. I know it sounds rude but I want to want to have sex with someone. I miss having a sex life more than anything. It's just lonely.

Opentooffers · 16/06/2021 15:11

Being 'in love' is an early stage flush, it's unrealistic to expect that to last over years. What you should hope for though is that you still fancy each other. What can kill attraction is loss of respect, resentment over past treatment, lack of support with DC and betrayal. Possibly how much someone may have 'let themselves go' over the years. Self care is important too, I don't think I'm being superficial, natural aging fine, premature aging due to an unhealthy lifestyle is less attractive.

Honeycombskl · 16/06/2021 15:18

I am definitely 'in love' with my DP, I don't think being in love is just the infatuation stage, I think that stage is just infatuation and being in love is beyond that. I do think that attraction and feeling emotionally deeply connected is the difference between being in love and just loving someone. I wasn't in love with my EXH but we really loved each other. I left, and as much as I love my DP and our relationship is far better in so many ways and we are more compatible, I sometimes feel guilty about having given up on my marriage and moving on from it. My EXH and I became more like best friends living together. We knew each other inside and out and helped each other out, but we felt like 2 very separate people and not a couple. Even so, when you have been with someone for so long it's hard to let go of that, particularly when there's still love and care there (but just maybe not enough or the kind you want with a partner).

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer, some people stay in relationships like that and are happy and comfortable and spend their lives with that person. For me it didn't feel like enough and I needed more but it's definitely not an easy thing to do, even now 3 years later.

Ninkanink · 16/06/2021 15:23

I’m very much in love with my DH. I fancy him and find him hugely attractive. I find him interesting, engaging and satisfying to be with. We’ve been together 13 years.

I wouldn’t ever stay in a dull or loveless relationship or one where we’d properly grown apart.

That doesn’t mean it has to be exciting all the time; far from it. But there absolutely does need to be passion (for me). Not everyone needs that though. As long as there is mutual love and respect and a sense of togetherness and a core of kindness & strength, then for some people being ‘in love’ is of secondary importance, and as long as that works for both people then it can still be good.

But ‘dull and loveless’? No. I wouldn’t want to model that to my children as a healthy, positive relationship. I left my marriage (we also got together young) when I’d established without any doubt that I no longer loved him and that I probably hadn’t ever properly loved him. I was so sad inside, so bereft, and really couldn’t have lived that way any longer without it becoming really damaging to my well-being. I also felt very strongly that I owed it to my daughters to model to them that my happiness as a woman counted too, that my needs and wants absolutely were valid as long as I had done my best to make things right for everyone’s best interests. And I owed it to my ex husband to let him be free to be with someone who actually loved him, fancied him and wanted to be with him.

Life is too short to stay in deeply unhappy situations. But you’ll have to determine for yourself whether you’re unhappy or just feeling a bit of boredom/wanderlust. If you’re quietly happy then there’s a lot to be said for staying settled.

Tubbs99 · 16/06/2021 15:29

Yes I am. He makes me smile when he walks into the room and he also smiles right back at me. It’s not like this 24/7 by the way, but most of the time, particularly when we haven’t seen each other for a while. We’re also pretty affectionate with each other, but not really into PDA. He’s pretty damn hot, so I still fancy him too.

Tubbs99 · 16/06/2021 15:33

OP I can imagine that after all those years together it’s hard to feel that spark, been there before. I does take a lot of work to keep the spark going, particularly when kids are involved. I’ve been with my current partner for less than 5 years, so probably still in the honeymoon period though

JorisBonson · 16/06/2021 15:42

Yes. I am in love with every inch of him (🤢).

OP, if you're having several trial separations then they're obviously showing that you should separate. I know you say you want to stay for your DC, but seeing your parents split up and get back together over and over isn't good for them - I speak from the experience of being that DC.

Ninkanink · 16/06/2021 16:42

@JorisBonson

Yes. I am in love with every inch of him (🤢).

OP, if you're having several trial separations then they're obviously showing that you should separate. I know you say you want to stay for your DC, but seeing your parents split up and get back together over and over isn't good for them - I speak from the experience of being that DC.

Yes that’s true. I’d missed that. If you’re separating as in actually breaking up and getting back together over and over then it would definitely be better for your children if you’d just bite the bullet and end it once and for all.
NotaCoolMum · 16/06/2021 18:52

Yes I am- totally and utterly in love with him.

again2020 · 17/06/2021 22:53

Nope. Not even close sadly.
I'd take 'good friends' at the moment.

PostmanPatandhiscat · 17/06/2021 23:01

No . Only been together 3 years and I’m not even sure if I’ve ever been “in love” with him .
Sex is rubbish and none existent at the moment , like any sort of intimacy really .

I’m making plans for us to split up because I’m only 37 and I want more than this . I want someone to want ME .

Earlgrey19 · 17/06/2021 23:06

I wasn’t and I recently ended it. Though I think it may not be so uncommon… Sex was not good throughout, also, as there was a lack of chemistry and of good communication.

LilMidge01 · 17/06/2021 23:12

@Insignificantintheschemeofthin

What's the difference between being in love with your partner and loving your partner? I mean, isn't being in love more like that infatuation stage, where they are idealised?
No, I completely disagree...being 'in love ' is not the same as idealised infatuation at all and can last a lifetime.. I'm sure we can all picture the difference between an old couple clearly in love after 50 years of marriage and an old couple who just give love.

To answer your question though OP. Was with my ex from teens to 28..felt how you describe and we parted ways on good terms (albeit still a very painful and difficult thing to do). Hes still a good friend I know will always have my back if needed (not constant contact that its weird, but still value each other and care..even 'love' in a sense). But now with DP and can truly say I am 'in love' and it feels amazing