Are you in love with your partner?

[tikkabaguette]

I've been with DH since I was a teen (now both in our mid 30s) and we have 2 fab kids together. I no longer feel in love with him. We've had discussions and he has admitted he feels the same. We love each other..in a way, but the mutual attraction has gone and we don't feel like lovers, more like people running the business of raising a family and taking care of bills and a home.

We will frequently have a trial separation then end up having an moment of thinking we do love each other and get back together again only for it to repeat and I mean we've done this a few times.

The main reason we stay together is for the kids and because it's convenient.

I've spoken with some friends / family and some are all "leave each other, spread your wings, you only live once" others are more like "it's normal to feel like that in a marriage".

Would love some input from both people in a similar boat and those that left/ stayed in relationships that felt dull and loveless.

Thanks

Yep, after 23 wonderful years he still gives me butterfly's when I see him.

Very much in love with my DH…married 30 years.

Yes, still in love. Not that heady infatuation you feel when you first date but more of a deep affection whilst still wanting to jump his bones :)

We have also been together since we were teens (early 30's now) and yes I am very, very much in love with him.

Does he make me want to twirl around like Maria on a mountain top every moment of every day? No. But I would get dizzy anyway.

We have a similar relationship to you OP. Been together since high school, were now married with 3 DC and are most definitely still very in love.
I’ll probably be mocked but he still gives me butterflies and we’re still very attracted to each other.

I think you should leave the relationship. It’s not fair on the children to be separating and getting back together again on repeat and it’s not fair on either you or your husband either. You both deserve to be in love and happy,

I think you're bored. And I don't say that as a criticism or to minimise what you're feeling. It's serious and important.

It sounds like there's a lot worth keeping here if you can... but you need to start talking properly about your needs and wants, and find ways to carve out time for each other and yourselves. Because those 'in love' feelings - excitement, surprise, delight - can be got back, but not without work and being intentional about getting them back.

I recommend this TED talk (and her book Mating in Captivity) as a starting point...

Esther Perel: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship https://www.ted.com/talks/estherperellthesecretttodesireeinaalongtermm_relationship

I think the way you feel is normal in a long relationship. Personally I think the initial “in love” stuff only lasts a few months and then it becomes more like two people muddling through life together and if you still keep coming back to each other there must be love there, just not the “love” you think.

I’m older than you and I think (without meaning to sound patronising) that younger people have high expectations of what a marriage / relationship should be like - mainly fuelled by all the gushing romantic posts on social media and the tv etc but I really don’t think real life is like that.

I’ve been engaged 3 times and married twice. I chased that “in love” feeling when I was younger but now with dh number 2 (together 15 years) I appreciate that it changes into a more family type love long term.

No, and it bothers me a great deal.

Day to day we rub along ok, we have common interests and get along most of the time, but when I see other couples gushing over their partners and talk about "my rock" etc it just brings it home to me how much we've drifted apart over the years.

I don't have any desire to start again with anyone else, I just think I'd like a peaceful life in my own little house but the thought of dismantling a house and life that's been entwined for 30 years fills me with dread.

I love him, but I don't feel that I like him very much anymore.

But like other PPs, I don't want to dismantle 30 years of life. I'm just too tired to fight anymore.

I'm pretty sure that most long term relationships end up in this state of apathy, to be honest.

Yes, I am in love with my husband. He's my best friend, the person I want to run to at the end of the day. I can't imagine my life without him in it.

As others have said, if you're having multiple trial separations, that's more harmful to your children than just ending the relationship on a good note and moving forward with your lives.

Totally in love with my DH.
11 years together, two kids, stressful lives.

I still get butterflies when he pulls into the drive way, I get excited when I see a message from him pop up on my phone. I adore that man, I’d be incredibly sad if I didn’t feel this way for a very long time.

Yes, I adore him. I am always delighted to see him and one of my favourite things is having a glass of wine with him in front of the telly. We make each other laugh and we respect each other.

Sex is a HUGE part of it. I absolutely 100% think it is the difference between being romantic partners and housemates.

We have talked about it (because we've had fallow periods like every couple) and both acknowledge its a big part of our chemistry and emotional connection. So working on that side has always been a priority, as we believe it has a massive effect on the marriage as a whole.

BTW, we're together almost 20 years, I meant to add that.

10years, no kids. Definitely 'in love'. He's my favourite person to be around. We have our moments, don't get me wrong, and it's not the same "can't keep my hands off him" as it was at the start (he is more like that still) and I hugely value my own space and time (but I always have).
Don't know if kids will change things, I really hope not. Can't imagine life without him. If I see things or do things without him all I can ever think is "gosh DH would love this" or "I wish DH could see this".

Yes I still feel like I love DH after 11 years. He’s a wonderful person and he’s also really easy on the eye.

Even when I want to throw something at him for leaving his socks in the middle of the floor or spreading bike parts all over the kitchen table, I look at him and think ‘yeah, I still would’.

Yes. I’m in love with him.

I find it bizarre when people say ‘that fades, it’s only an early thing’ with such authority. What thinking person with reasonable empathy believes their experience is the only one? Utterly bizarre.

For me, I don’t think being with someone I wasn’t in love with would be enough. But - as I can use both my own brain and a bit of empathy - I can see that wouldn’t be the case for everybody.

Been with DH since I was 18. Married for nearly 32 years.
I'm still in love with him. He's an amazing man. He totally gets me. He's kind, supportive, funny, loving. He's my absolute everything.
We adore each other still.

End your marriage OP. It's not making you happy and your children deserve better. As do you

I think that sustained "in love" feeling is very rare, and I'd be willing to bet it's largely experienced by better-than-average looking exceptionally healthy people, who would be expected to have continued high libidos and a positive outlook on life. Or maybe it's just luck. I definitely don't think that "there's a foot for every sock." The best most of us can hope for is that familiar, "familial" love, which is nice too!

Yes, Thank God we are very much in love with each other and love each other very much. We've been married for 16 years. Our son is 14.

We are true Soulmates, best friends and great lovers.

I admire him, praise and thank him for everything every day.

I know it's a bit of an oversimplification but I think there are two key dimensions in which relationships work. The first is the strong sense of attraction and connection of which many posters speak. The other is moreso the 'how do we rub along living with each other' dimension, things like shared or similar approach to parenting, what home life looks like, levels of sociability, ability to accept each others foibles, etc. If people have both dimensions, that's just wonderful. I think couples can survive and be as happy as anyone gets to be in our conplicated world if they have one of them. People who drive each other mad occasionally can still survive if the attraction and chemistry is strong. Equally, people who get on together well as housemates, co-parents, etc can go along just fine usually, accepting the limitations because the other stuff works for them. Though I do think there is always the possibility then of someone catching their eye and these are often the couples who split once the children are reared and gone. OP definitely doesn't seem to have the first dimension, but I can totally understand staying if the whole functions as a structure in which to raise children, run life etc so long as there isn't acrimony, contempt, etc. I left my husband because the first was gone and we weren't rubbing along too well either - he just felt like an annoying roommate. But even with that, it's no picnic to go it alone outside of the conventional set up, especially where I live in rural Ireland. There are few enough who get to have it all ways, as another poster pointed out, you may meet someone with whom you have a fabulous time, connection etc but they will never be the father of your children or family in the same way. And the likelihood is that they will have their own backstory

@AnneLovesGilbert

I am. I wouldn’t stay with him I wasn’t or didn’t feel he was too. I also think our children deserve good healthy role models of loving supportive adult relationships. What we show them is what they come to expect as they look for and form their own.

Do your children know you keep planning to split up? Even if you haven’t explicitly told them they definitely know all isn’t well. That’s a pretty poor legacy to leave them.

This.

I love my husband deeply and he adores and is devoted to me. Our relationship will influence our kid’s ability to have good relationships in the future as they watch and learn from our role model.
Love some days is a choice and it certainly needs constantly working on by both partners.