DH making it difficult for me to self-isolate

[HusbandSelfIsolate]

I'm going into hospital for an operation in a week's time and have been trying to self-isolate for the past week, as per the hospital's request, but my DH keeps sabotaging my efforts and it's getting me down.

There have been lots of things, but to illustrate what I mean here's one example - I run a small business and have one employee. It's her day off today so I asked my DH if he would take one day off work to sit in the office to deal with any callers to the business whilst I work in the back room on my own, as I have been doing since the middle of last week. He agreed but, now the day has come he's refusing to do it so I have to meet members of the public which has rendered all my self-isolation up until this point null and void. I couldn't get anyone else in to cover the role because my back up staff member is on holiday and I can't simply stop doing my job because it involves a duty of care, although I can't say much more without making this post too outing.

How can I explain to DH that the company he works for would remain in business until tomorrow even if he took today off? He normally loses his annual leave allocation I should add, because he's far too important to the business to be absent for even a single day, apparently.

I explained exactly what help I needed several weeks ago and also reminded him the week before I was going to start self-isolating that there would be one single day when I would need him to sit in the front office and he agreed to do this but has now 'forgotten' the conversation that we had and is accusing me of micro-managing his time and of being lazy. I know it's inconvenient for him to sit somewhere other than his own office (he works from home) but, unless customers are on the premises he can still work on his laptop so it's not as though he can't do some work if he doesn't want to take a day off. I do appreciate that it's not the same as having a straight 8 uninterrupted time to work but it's literally one day of his life, unless the op doesn't go well I suppose but I don't want to think about that.

In the face of such arrogance and self- absorption I'm never going to make him understand am I?

No. He is a twat.

No and I suspect this isn't the only example. Why are you with him, he sounds like a terrible partner.

Assuming you are telling him in a language he knows, he understands what you are saying.

He just doesn't care and isn't willing to help.

I wanted to add also that my heart goes out to you. To realise that the one person you are supposed to be able to rely on in circumstances such as these is an absolute waste of space and quite blatantly does not have your best interests at heart must be quite saddening, deflating, crushing and a real eye opener.

I hope, if your operation goes ahead, that it is successful and you are well enough in the future to reconsider your options.

Good luck

Thank you all. I didn't think I was asking too much of him but he seems to view it as an imposition and that it's something I've chosen to do for fun :(

For those wondering why I'm with him - he's changed over the years. He used to be kind, or I thought he was, but over time he's become more and more selfish I think. I really thought he would look after me if I needed him to (as I would him) but now I've realised that I am actually on my own in life. Or finances are so intertwined after ten years of marriage that it will be horrendous to sort them out and I have built my business here (premises and client base) so it will be impossible for me to leave and still earn a living and I know that OH wouldn't agree to leave, assuming I could afford the mortgage after buying him out, which I can't. I feel really stuck and fed up.

So you don't get any holidays with him?

Reverse engineer how to unwind everything, it'll cheer you up and being actually on your own is better than being technically in a relationship but alone.

"Or finances are so intertwined after ten years of marriage that it will be horrendous to sort them out and I have built my business here (premises and client base) so it will be impossible for me to leave and still earn a living and I know that OH wouldn't agree to leave, assuming I could afford the mortgage after buying him out, which I can't".

No obstacle is ultimately insurmountable and this can be undone. Do not assume anything until you have sought legal advice re the business and other aspects of separating from him.

You do not mention children here but even if you not are a parent, would you want them to be in such a relationship as adults?. No you would not and its not good enough for you either.

This is who he is and he is not going to change; if anything he will behave worse going forward.

Wombat, no, he's too busy for holidays generally. We have had one or two long weekends but they've been few and far between. He is normally unpleasant on the outward and return journeys too, as though he's still in work-mode and doesn't want to be on holiday at all.

Atilla, I have researched online how much the house is worth and I know that half of that value would be mine (minus the still substantial mortgage) but my business premises is here, in the garden and I'm still paying off the big loan that I took out to build it so that's another millstone round my neck. There's no way that I could afford to buy it all over again with half the equity from the house/business as it stands now. If I won the lottery I'd be off but since I don't actually do the lottery that's not going to happen.

No children with him, thankfully, although I do have a nearly grown up son who's now independent and doesn't have much to do with his step-father because he doesn't like the way he behaves towards me or how 'charming' he is towards strangers/his work colleagues, especially if he's been shouting at me seconds beforehand.

Don't forget that you would also get half his pension - if he has a "big, important" job, that could be worth more than half the equity. I've been astonished by how much a small final salary pension for 6 years service back in my 20's (when I was earning around the average wage) is worth.

Time for a talk with a solicitor - go armed with all the info you can get hold of. Then make a decision from an informed point of view - doesn't have to push you into action but you would know where you stand now, and maybe get together a plan to tackle a path to freedom.

Thank you Defiantly. I hadn't thought about his pension. I'm not sure how much he has in there but it must be worth quite a bit by now. I've also got a pension but mine is tiny because I've been self-employed for many years and haven't been able to afford to pay anything into it. Stupid decision on my part with hindsight I now realise.

He thinks his job is more important than yours and he’s resentful of you having your own business.

Apparantly it's bad this year and going to get worse due to clmate change .

www.google.com/amp/s/www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/hayfever-bad-2021-pollen-relief-b1866099.html%3famp

I am suffering terribly too. Not bothering with the injection at this time of year though as I think it's bad timing. It won't kick in for a while and make me more susceptible to cold/flu once the colder months come.

Sorry wrong thread!

At my job (now retired) it would have been seen as very suspicious that someone wouldn't take any annual leave. And you had to take 2 weeks together out of your allowance. Apparently this was because if you were up to any skullduggery it would be more apparent when off.

No problem HumanaHey and sorry you're suffering with hay fever.

I definitely think DH considers his job to be more important than mine. To be fair he has always earned more than me, but that doesn't mean that I don't work hard and the gap between our earnings is narrowing now as my business becomes more successful.

I don't think he's up to anything underhand. He's just convinced himself that he's the lynchpin of every business he works for. Obviously it's not true but he seems to have to tell himself that, presumably to bolster his fragile ego? I gave up listening to his tales of his own greatness years ago 🤷🏼‍♀️

Does this have any effect on your op OP? If you can't isolate does it get delayed?

Your DH is a dick, I never understand anyone who puts work above all else. If he died tomorrow they'd replace him, on the other hand when the time comes he needs support from you (or anyone for that matter) he'd soon feel the impact of his twatty behaviour.

Fortunately, I’ve had very understanding clients today who’ve been masked up and agreed not to come inside the reception area when I’ve explained my situation so I think it will be ok but I’m going to speak to the hospital tomorrow to make certain.

I have never understood why he puts his boss and work colleagues ahead of family life, but I think he was the same in his first marriage from what his friends have said to me in the past.

I love the sound of your business!
In your garden!
And general public come in.
What do you do?

I've recently had an operation.
I was told I shouldn't even leave the house prior to surgery. Had to get others to take kids to school etc. When I was admitted they were very strict on 'you have isolated havent you'

I can't say exactly what I do in case my sister is reading this post, ha ha. I provide a service for pet owners and work from a building in my garden. I also sell garden produce/eggs etc and things that we make, as a family. It's complicated because other family members are involved but they have other jobs as well so I am the only full time staff member.

I don't 'go out' to work, so no commute and I work behind the scenes, as it were, when I'm at work so there's no-one here apart from me and my assistant who hasn't been in the same room as me for over a week, or even anywhere near me outside, so I've not actually left my premises. I have had to step outside the house, but not very far. I will speak to the hospital tomorrow to check that I am still ok for the op but they do know what I do for a living and they didn't say that I had to stop, once they knew I worked completely alone and could avoid all human contact.

The only person that I could come potentially come into contact with is my DH but I have asked him to leave me food outside the bedroom door since I can't go into the kitchen to make it myself. It's a bit hit and miss because he's always in back to back meetings so I've got a packet of biscuits in the bedroom in case I get really hungry and a big bottle of water that's getting a bit warm now 😬

You had plenty of notice, could you not have just closed for the day?

Of course I couldn’t, or I would have! Plus, is it really that unreasonable to ask my DH for one favour so that I can keep my business going? I’d have done the same, and have done many times for him. Or do you also think he’s so important that he can’t take a single days leave from work, despite having just as much notice as I had? There’s only one of me to run my business whilst he works for a big firm who do allow him at least the statutory minimum leave allowance per year.

Today he's complaining that I'm not speaking to him enough. I have offered to text but he doesn't seem to understand that I can't be in the same room having a good old chinwag if I'm self-isolating. Is he being ridiculous or am I? I am speaking to him from a distance but nattering away nineteen to the dozen just isn't going to happen when we have to stick to separate rooms is it?

He's also complaining about having too much to do now that I'm not going into the kitchen. I feel as though I'm becoming a huge burden to him but I don't have any choice as this operation needs to go ahead now, after waiting over a year due to the pandemic. I did offer to make the kitchen one of 'my' rooms but he said I had too many rooms if I did that. I can't win.