Pining over another man

[Notabunnyboiler]

I need some straight talking to. I have been married for over 30 years, married young, second sexual partner and 3 children. Marriage has had its ups and downs but generally okay. My husband is kind, caring and everything he does is for his family, but dare I say "a little bit boring and happy with his life" whereas I am a bit more get up and go. I have changed quite a lot since the early days, more concerned about my appearance, hobbies of my own, job, more confident etc. Two of my children are grown up, I'm a granny and my youngest is still at school.
Fast forward lots of years and a "man" comes back into my life that I briefly knew many years ago (no relationship at the time). We started talking again and it was obvious there was an attraction on both sides. However - he is a twice divorced player, numerous conquests, all about him, never his fault type of guy. I do deserve it but he has played me big time and I fell for it. Doesn't want commitment, has ghosted me 5 times and always pops back up saying he was "in a bad place" and stupid me believes him. Last time we spoke he apologised and then next day ghosted me again. We don't have contact anymore. He has broken my heart and I deserve it.
My question is really "what makes an intelligent woman pine for a total twat who has treated me like something on his shoe when I have a decent caring husband"?
I just want to wake up one morning feeling happy without thinking about him, wondering if he is onto his next woman. My self-esteem has hit rock bottom. I know I deserve it but its so hard. Non-contact is possible but there is a chance I will bump into him as we live quite close.
Tell me I'm a stupid woman - I deserve it.

You are not stupid. Just human.
And we all have our own stories and paths.

You married young. And that means you have missed out on a lot of young dating experiences. Emotional ups and downs. Finding out who you are, maturing. Finding a mate who best suits the grown up you.
You have the partner you ended up with at the age when you were a different person.
And you made it work for a very long time.
But often it does catch up with you.

I don’t know what the answer is. I do know it’s not easy to have only one relationship all your life. Most people aren’t able to.

So - i’d say - don’t beat yourself up. You are just catching up on drama you missed out in your youth. It’ll pass.
And then you can decide if you want to restart your life on your own and date. I am guessing you are still young enough to do so - you are in you 40s or early 50s?

Sounds like a mid-life crisis.

I'm in my early 50s.

There is so much life left to live and I guess that is what you are thinking. First stop is to chat with your DH and see what can be done about things. If there are lots of words and no change after a reasonable period then it is time to make a decision. The other man is just a symptom and the root cause needs to be addressed.

I too have been married for 30 odd years to my only partner. He was what you would call a 'home bird' but gradually he has changed and now challenges life. Maybe its a man thing when they get older. We want to embrace life and they want to settle down

You're still young (same age as me!) And no wonder you don't want to just sit at home. This man isn't the answer, you just want excitement in your life and this man provided the wrong excitement.

Have a think with your husband about what you two can do to make your life more fun. Think about any classes you may take together or travel or do a hiking challenge.

My boyfriend and I have talked about buying a campervan for example and travelling a few months every year (when our kids are old enough). We can both work remotely.

We also cook together and play games together - board games and badminton etc.

Its so hard because I have changed so much whereas my husband is happy with his life and a workaholic. Another bit of excitement came along and I was like a dog with a bone! I suppose because he didn't want any commitment and felt it was okay to ghost me is the punishment I deserve.

Thank you for your replies. We have discussed the future and what we would like to. I have very set ideas about what I want and although he will follow-me I'm sure its just to keep me happy and that makes me feel guilty. I've never experienced life like some people and always done the "right thing". Its painful to be treated by a knob who I genuinely thought was my friend but maybe that's just my naivety and lack of self-esteem.
Thank you again.

Can I ask, OP, because it's not clear from your post, did you actually have a romantic relationship with this man from your past, or was it a friendship with evident, but unspoken attraction? I mean, were you considering leaving your husband for him, or would have considered it if he was less commitment-phobic?

@GloriousMystery Very close to having an affair and probably glad that he said he didn't want any commitment. For him it would have been another notch on the bedpost - to me it would have been more.

In a nutshell women like ‘bad boys’ because of intermittent reinforcement.

Massive dopamine hits = obsessiveness and addictive thinking/behaviour

When you say close to having an affair, did anything happen at all or did he step back? Once a line has been crossed it can lead to all sorts of feelings and I was wondering if this is the reason for your now obsession like behaviour.

The only way to stop it is to go cold Turkey now.

As for you and your husband. Maybe it’s come to an end. Do you still have attraction for him? Does he to you? Do you still have a sex life?

If the answers to the above are yes then maybe this is the wake up call you need to try to rekindle some spark into your life. Whilst your kids are older, splitting up never goes down well with them and it could be a bumpy road.

You married young. And that means you have missed out on a lot of young dating experiences. Emotional ups and downs. Finding out who you are, maturing. Finding a mate who best suits the grown up you. You have the partner you ended up with at the age when you were a different person. And you made it work for a very long time. But often it does catch up with you.

This has absolutely hit the nail on the head for me. I’ve been with Dh since I was 18. I often wonder if we’re compatible now. We have a lot of history together but sometimes I think that’s all we’ve got.

I wonder how many people settle for that for the rest of their lives just because it’s what they’re used to?

I don’t know if I want to ‘settle’ for the rest of my life.

I sympathise Op. I’m a bit the same, only the person in question is lovely and I don’t think it’s reciprocated. Perhaps it’s just time to move on?

@Notabunnyboiler I completely understand where you are coming from , I have recently posted as got caught up in a similar thing, having low self esteem can really affect your whole life and I had my head turned by attraction, attention and being made to feel like a female adult again, not just a wife, mum, admin, employee etc etc. I am 41 and DH is a fair bit older than me, teenage kids and just generally a busy life so we kind of plod along together but separately.

Trouble is I took it too far and I am now living with the consequences, no one has found out however I feel like I am pining for the thrill and the excitement but on the other hand want to make things work with DH. The OM (not OM really as wasn't a big affair but easy to describe him that way) didn't treat me badly but also has commitments so we knew it needed to stop.

I feel like I have opened a can of worms after not feeling that way for so long about myself or anyone else, and after the initial awful guilt feelings I feel so mixed about it all now. It is in my head constantly and the worst thing is that I will have no space from him as see him several times a week professionally if you like.

I wish I had tried to work on my relationship before all this happened as it would be so much easier and also more honest. Now I am struggling to get my head round it all so am in no place to be able to start fixing things with DH. There was never any future with OM (he is 14 years younger than me) that was never the intention, but whatever I thought it would fix it definitely hasn't, I just wasnt thinking straight at all.

Please talk to your DH, life is too short to not put every effort into all you do, you never know he may need a kick up the backside to get some get up and go. I am not saying to tell him about this other man but just try to get onto the same page. Life is too short. Don't end up in the mess I am. Quite a few posters said to me that I may think that it is over with OM but if I don't fix things then it will be someone else again in the future.

I think I married young because I didn't think anybody else would want me and it was a way of leaving a sad home!
My husband has always been a rock and says he fancies me more than ever but in all honesty I don't feel the same way.

I think once the fancying goes, it is very hard to get back and you are more prone to attention from elsewhere. It is ok to face that though but it takes a lot of grown up conversations. You were lucky you weren’t caught out this time. You might not be if there is a next time and that can cause an almighty shit storm. Much better to end things amicably with no one else involved but it is much easier said than done.

I was in your position five years ago and I lost my husband and broke up my family. I am not with the other guy who was also a player and total headwork. I really regret it all and am actually heartbroken over what I did. I will never forgive myself. You have to go cold Turkey and forget about him or you will end up destroying your life. It won’t be worth it. My life has gone from bad to worse since. Please listen and forget the twat,

@Backtoblack1
I'm sorry to hear your story but you make a really good point. I really hope things improve for you.

Thank you and same to you x

I'm in a similar situation, but it turned out a bit different. Was with dp for 16 years, my kids and his all grown up. New man was someone from the past, contented on the surface but actually a bit sad and lonely. Not a player, a very decent man. We got together and it worked. We're both very happy and probably be together a long time.

I'm not recommending it though. I was just lucky.

I also settled down/married young and often feel the same way OP, I think it’s generally the same for most couples who settle down young. I am a completely different person to the one I was when I settled down, in many ways were completely different people now.

You are me.

Last year man came along. My kids dad was boring Me.lack of sex and boring. He doesn't have alot of go in life. Isn't stylish. Happy to please and never thinks for himself. But he's a good dad.

I fell for a man working for my neighbour. Older than me. He seemed amazing at first. Then I realised he was a right player.

Had 3 long-term relationships. One with a nurse. One with a hardworking career woman and had a wife and 2 kids back in the 90s. Sounded like a decent guy especially because the latest ex from two years ago still kept in regular contact.

Turns out he's a liar. Cheated on his ex with an old school flame. Old school flame thought they were starting a life together. She left her husband for him. He changed his mind and wanted the ex back so run for the hills and blocked you on everything. Ex wouldn't have him back though and he moved out the house a few months later. 9 months after he meets me. Within 6-months I had learnt he was always lying. There was always another woman he was talking to. He was on a dating app. He had sex with somebody else whilst we're on a rocky patch. He has ghosted me several times. Came back. No apology. Never puts his hands up.

10 days ago I chucked the idiot for good. He's blocked and I'm officially done.

My advice.
Keep a diary on email drafts or in a book. Remind yourself how you feel each day. I felt on egg shells. Stressed. Anxious etc.

Start thinking about what you truly want. I realised I didn't want the exciting idiot because he was actually skint. A cheat. A liar and selfish. He would have been rubbish with my kids too. What I did want is

A connection.
Loyality
More fun.
More sex and intimacy.
To feel happy.

After I got rid of him I forced myself to walk in nature. Go for more picnics etc with the kids. I treated myself to some new ornaments. I'm planning a garden project.

I sit in the garden and enjoy my coffee and listen to podcasts on narcisctic traits and players. It really helps you realise how these men operate.

I wrote a list of what I liked about the guy originally.
He seemed fun.
He was kind.
He was confident.
He noticed me.
He complimented me.
He spoilt me.
He wanted the same future.

Then I wrote what I now know.
He's a liar.
He's skint.
He's cheated.
Obsessed with his ex.
He's selish.
He puts me down.

Get our with friends more and learn to enjoy your life more for you.

Focus on your kids. I feel I had stopped enjoying mine because he was emotionally draining me.

You need to find closure and walk away for good. I know this time I will never ever let him back. He's disgusting.

Your situation is exactly like mine.

@Backtoblack1 your post has hit my quite hard, do you wish you had tried to make it work with your husband or do you feel it was still the right thing to split up, but just in a less destructive way?

It's really opened my eyes up seeing this post. I settled with my partner at 23. I'm only 33 and I can honestly say the attraction has gone for me. I want someone more masculine now. Someone more sociable. Confident. Someone who wants to do projects in the House. It's always down to me and I find it really unattractive that I have to lead with the more hands on jobs.hes happy to just crack boring Jokes and talk about his work (ICT) and I just wish he treated himself to clothes sometimes. He is clueless with fashion.
I do believe it's hard to get it back. I'm currently thinking what's the best going forward.we own our house but only have half paid It off. The kids like us living together. But I would happily go off with someone new if they woke me up. I honestly hate thinking is this my life now. In a boring sexless household with no plans.

@XChocolate1cheesecake this is my life also, all the same issues with him, the house, I could have written pretty much every word. I was 25 and now 41. I just couldn't do it to the kids, I couldn't leave. I did get woken up by someone else but its definitely not the answer, it will always end in tears. If not a one off it'll always get found out eventually and the fall out would be horrific.

I need to find the mental strength to work at my marriage otherwise my life is as you described forever.

Don't be surprised at your obsessive feelings. It's hormones. The live bombing abs then subsequent ghosting has you producing lots of happy hormones then suffer with withdrawal when he disappears or treats you cruelly. It is a natural response. The only solution is to cut ties. Like a drug, the only way to end the pull is to fully withdraw and then never go back. BELIEVE ME, you will look back one day when your hormones are back to normal and wonder what the hell you saw in him.